If I hear 'mum says you have to' one more time

[Bandia]

I'm going to scream. There's obviously more backstory but all we've had for the last 2 days from dps dd is mum says you have to do x, y, z. Mum says you have to change the bedclothes. Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. Mum says you have to buy me an ipad. Mum says I have to come into the home office. Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. Mum says you have to make my dinner.

Thank god she's going back to mum later today because I'm fed up with mum trying to control my home through their child.

That does sound really annoying and tedious! Hang in there OP. Well done for blaming her mum rather than the child.

Wonder if mum knows

I'd be tempted to say.
'Just get mummy to write a list for me.'
Pop the list on notice board and ignore.

I'm assuming dsd is just pushing the boundaries and trying her luck? The Mum isn't actually saying these things is she?!

Your house your rules.

Mum knows. Mum is definitely saying it.

Mum mentioned the ipad a few weeks ago and dp said no as she already has a tablet. Cue many, many, many texts about how he does nothing for their daughter, daughter will be bullied, and then that he obviously wants to buy it but I'm the one stopping him.

The bedclothes one was 'mum says you have to change the bedclothes in front of me, bandia, because you could be lying about doing it when I'm not here. I have to see them go into the washing machine.' I wanted to say that mum can fuck off. I didn't.

Please tell me you didn't actually stand and change the bedding in front of your DSD??

Mum sounds a delight! This week I've had "Mum says you're not allowed to put a limit on my phone" and shes set it to unlimited app time, no downtime, no parental controls and put a password on. DH said he would just take it off her after 3-4 hrs use a day but he wimps out every time so we've barely seen her the whole visit. Shes very smug and I'm sure mum will be too - they think limiting a 10yos phone use is basically child abuse.

"Sorry darling I only have to obey my mum but if I'm ever in your mums house she can tell me herself, now are you going to..."

She sounds old enough to change her own bed to me.
Crack on, love. You know where the machine is.

Christ! I’d be very encouraged to nod very seriously, and agree that it’s incredibly important for DSD to know for certain that her sheets are clean - in fact just so she can make absolutely sure, here is the sheet, duvet cover, and pillowcases, tell her to give you a shout if she needs a hand!

Show her how to change her own bedsheets and then tell her it's down to her whether they done or not. Then pour yourself a massive glass of wine and have a bit of child free time.

Your DH needs to stamp on this now and make it clear that 'mum' doesn't get to say anything about these aspects of her time with you, when she is with you he is in charge and what mum says is not relevant unless he is breaking the law. Interrupt and say it every single time.

“Gosh that is a big bags of worries from your mum. It is lovely having you here. Shall we go and play x board game. Would you like x or y for dinner?” Etc.

For things like bedsheets, I think “wow, really?” And show visible shock. The more you can show these demands are fucking ridiculous the better.

For buying demands I would repeat what her mum says, I’d say you’ll talk to your dh about what she’s told you and give her reassurance that she’s special and doesn’t need the latest x to be popular at school.

Her mother sounds like a right piece of work. I think I would try to deal with the demands so that your DSD has reassurance, boundaries and is showed proper care and love. Your dh’s ex is fighting through their dd. Poor girl. Your dh definitely needs to spend time deprogramming her.

Try to see it as your dsd seeking reassurance because that’s what it actually is rather than trying to control you. Once you have her confidence and as she gets more mature / older, hopefully she will be able to tell you what her mum says in a way, which doesn’t wind you up so much. Bottom line, this is not the girls fault.

This would shred my last one.
I’d pleasantly but clearly inform her, “Mum’s not here, this is my house so I don’t have to follow mum’s instructions. If mum has an issue with that, tell her to talk to me.”
Then I’d tell mum where to go.

AGree with @Mummyoflittledragon, it is not the dsd's fault. the mum is being unhelpful and not instilling any trust in your household

That would drive me round the twist.

Your dh needs to make it clear that while she’s at your home she follows your rules. She can live how she likes with her mum.

Can you get a cheap PAYG phone, and block her from your numbers and just give her that one? Totally ignore anything on it that isn’t related to times when you see sdd or important things? Obviously keep a record of all the messages just in case.

Actually it's true it's not DSD's fault, so Mummy is right.

Whether she is playing on it a bit depends on her age I guess.

I'd explain to her that her mum has nothing to do with your house rules so when she's in your house she can relax and not worry about what mum thinks.

How old is DD? Does she say this to her dad, too, or just to you?

I’d need to go and scream silently in another room. 😱

Her dad needs to speak to her, as @Inkpaperstars says.

How old is your DSD? My reaction to this would depend on her age. If she’s little I’d simply ignore it and actually maybe make a joke out of the demands to lighten the mood.
If she’s 10 or older I would be much firmer and blunt and say “well that’s an interesting suggestion, but this is our home and we’ll do things our way here”

I've been there. Huge empathy for you but no advice 🤷🏻‍♀️ my SD used to do it to her teachers too 😂 my favourite was "mummy said you're richer than us" as I ripped up stinking carpet in our ex rental ex council house that we bought because it was the cheapest even though it stank, while she lived with her mother and step father in a lovely nearly new build with new wood flooring. Yes of course darling.

Refer her to her dad. Every time. "Sorry, you'll have to talk to your dad about that because he's your other parent".

Then tell your DP to grow a backbone and deal with it. He needs to tell his DD that he and you decide what goes in your home, not her mum. "Well, your mum is not here. We are." would be a good start.

It's definitely not the child's fault then if you're sure mum is manipulating the situation.

i think you should bite your tongue op.
dont let it get to you.

I’d probably say something like ‘it’s lovely that your mummy is looking out for you sweetheart, but we have our own ways of doing things in our own houses’