If I hear 'mum says you have to' one more time

[Bandia]

I'm going to scream. There's obviously more backstory but all we've had for the last 2 days from dps dd is mum says you have to do x, y, z. Mum says you have to change the bedclothes. Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. Mum says you have to buy me an ipad. Mum says I have to come into the home office. Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. Mum says you have to make my dinner.

Thank god she's going back to mum later today because I'm fed up with mum trying to control my home through their child.

Seven! Gosh that's young to be drawn into this. Maybe some kind of clear demarcation- a board with house rules. A ritual like a PP suggested to make her feel like she's somewhere different. I think a star chart where mum says loses stars and other good behaviour gains them?

Just a rule that says this is your daddy's and my place and mums place is her place and so here we don't say mum says. Nightmare.

You’re brilliantly calm, OP.

I still can’t get over what kind of human being would do this to their child.

It's incredibly annoying and I do have to remind myself that it's not her fault. She's not doing anything 'wrong', she's just saying what her mum tells her to.

Last year she used to get here 6ask what we'd bought during the time without her because 'mum will ask and I have to get it right.'

But she's back with her mum now so we can do whatever we want without the mum says commentary.

My response would be...

"I'm a grown up sweetie and I can take care of things in this house. You don't need to worry about anything"

Or

"This must be a lot for you to remember. Could you ask mum to write everything down next time and you can give the list to daddy"

Or

"I've got a terrible memory sometimes...practice your handwriting and spend a few minutes with this lovely note pad I bought you writing what mum said.

Keep adding to it and I'll daddy will look at it later on.

I wouldn't have the tolerance for this at all.

Last year she used to get here ask what we'd bought during the time without her because 'mum will ask and I have to get it right.'

Response: bread, milk, eggs....give her your shopping list.

What a lunatic her mother is.

I tell your step child that when she is staying in your house she has to follow your rule's and not mammy rules. I also tell her your mammy has no power over me as I am an adult just like her. I think someone should tell mammy this.
I ask your step daughter what did mammy say she do this weekend when your here? I ask her what did mammy buy in the past week?
Ask her as well does mammy have any friends who come to see her?
Get her to write down all the questions that mammy wants to ask you.

Show it to your husband and tell him as well that if he refuses to step up and parent his child and stops this questions/ Mammy says you have enough of this every time the child stays over you will leave me with no choice but to leave you on your own with her every time she is here.
Tell him she has no right sending your daughter here and asking me what I bought this week. She also has no right in telling me what I can do in my own house. Tell him unless he lays down some rules now with his daughter she is going to be a horrible person when she is older. I can understand if you have a home office that you don't want her in it. Also demanding that daddy buys her an I pad and that she can spend hours on screens is not right.
If your husband refuses to deal with his childs mother I do the following.

I would go to the child s mother's house at 9.30 on a Sunday morning. Hopefully you get her out of bed with a few drinks from the night before or better still you find her with her new boyfriend.
Tell her that you no longer going to be asked a load of questions be her daughter each time she stays over along with all the other things she is saying - mammy say this and give her the list.
Tell her that unless this stops you won't be minding the child.
I also tell her that I want a brake down each week or month of what she spends the maintenance money she get for her daughter. Tell her since it so important to know what I bought each time your daughter comes to my house I should know the same about your spending.
I also tell her to get her daughter to stop demanding things as you know she gets X amount of money a month from your husband. Tell her you think this is to much and you going to reduce this.
Tell Mammy it time she copped on other wise you will make life hard for her.
The following time her daughter is over and she starts with the questions I do the following just before she leaves your house tell her that you heard that mammy has a new boyfriend. When you here at the weekend he spends time with mammy and would it be lovely if mammy had a little brother or sister for you. Let Mammy deal with that one.

Sorry if I missed it, but how old is the child?

@Dreading2020sSeasonFinale. I agree with your sentiments, but actually I'm not sure about this:

The ONLY mother's rules a stepmother should comply with are ones pertaining to the kid's wellbeing and normal rules that both parents agree on. Like kid should have a bed time, or eat some veggies, have a shower, brush her teeth twice a day or not be allowed into dangerous situations etc.

None of this is the stepmum's responsibility. Clearly she MAY choose to help the parents by providing childcare, in which case she should care for the children safely and follow the parents' (reasonable) instructions (for instance, if they want her to supervise home education, do 5 Blue Peter craft activities a day and pay to take the children on days out, that's clearly unreasonable ). Also, as a decent adult (!), she should clearly protect the kids from dangerous situations. But it's for the parents (in this case, dad) to ensure appropriate bed-time, healthy diet, hygiene, teeth-brushing, though step-mum may help if she has a good relationship with step-kids.

I had some of this my SC. We use to make up nonsense answers to it. Anyway it completely stopped when I had my DD, who SC loves, and "mum said" something clearly nasty about DD on the phone to SC.

Start telling her your mummy says...xyz.

[quote MessAllOver]@Dreading2020sSeasonFinale. I agree with your sentiments, but actually I'm not sure about this:

The ONLY mother's rules a stepmother should comply with are ones pertaining to the kid's wellbeing and normal rules that both parents agree on. Like kid should have a bed time, or eat some veggies, have a shower, brush her teeth twice a day or not be allowed into dangerous situations etc.

None of this is the stepmum's responsibility. Clearly she MAY choose to help the parents by providing childcare, in which case she should care for the children safely and follow the parents' (reasonable) instructions (for instance, if they want her to supervise home education, do 5 Blue Peter craft activities a day and pay to take the children on days out, that's clearly unreasonable ). Also, as a decent adult (!), she should clearly protect the kids from dangerous situations. But it's for the parents (in this case, dad) to ensure appropriate bed-time, healthy diet, hygiene, teeth-brushing, though step-mum may help if she has a good relationship with step-kids.[/quote]
I agree, I meant it in the way that IF she were responsible for the child then following a parents reasonable wishes is what she should do. Much in the way of when we see posters upset that their MIL has gone against their wishes and keeps feeding a baby chocolate, or won't use the car seat provided, or won't stop feeding their dairy free child ice cream etc.

I don't actually think step parents should be parenting their partners children at all unless helping by choice. All too often we see kids coming to see dads on contact days and it's the stepmum who does all the practical care. The cooking, cleaning, dressing, entertaining and everything else simply because she's the woman.

My stepdad has never so much as made his son a meal, or washed his clothes, got his room ready or anything at all. In fact, he'd often take weekend jobs knowing his kid was coming as it was left to DM to do the care. Often stepbrother would visit and never saw his dad at all.

I really hope that you're joking, Ilady, because your post is absolutely horrible

'Wow. Your Mum has a lot of time on her hands doesn't she? She must spend a lot of time imagining what happens in this house!'..... hopefully it will make it back with a 'Bandia says......'

It's hard to remember that it's the mum to be annoyed at when you have the mother's mouthpiece in front of you giving orders. It's awful that people use their children in this way.

I think I would refer her to her Dad every time.

That's nice dear, tell your dad. Let him deal with it.

I think that you just say we have a rule. You are not allowed to say mum says. It's not her home and no one wants to hear it do you stop it now. You are not allowed to tell us what to do because mum says. It's rude.

Mum says results in a consequence. Because ultimately it's just incredibly bad manners isn't it? And seven is old enough to learn manners.

I would respond with a smiley, calm variation of:

"Your Dad and I do things our way/make the rules in this house"

Then give her a big hug, and move her on to the next activity. As long as you rinse and repeat a similar response each time, the Mum will eventually get bored of sending messages through the DC in this way.

I wouldn't mention the mum or refer to her at all in these specific conversations with your DSD, as the DSD won't then feel like she had to be a messenger going back and forth between the adults.

@MarriedtoDaveGrohl

I think that you just say we have a rule. You are not allowed to say mum says. It's not her home and no one wants to hear it do you stop it now. You are not allowed to tell us what to do because mum says. It's rude.

Mum says results in a consequence. Because ultimately it's just incredibly bad manners isn't it? And seven is old enough to learn manners.

I'd probably do this.

Mum says results in a consequence

I don't agree that it requires a consequence, as in a punishment.

I agree that it's fine to tell her she's not allowed to carry a "mum says" message.

If mum has something she wants to say, it needs to go through SDs dad.

SD should not have to be put in the middle of this, it's very unfair on her and damn well annoying for you.

@Bluetrews25

She sounds old enough to change her own bed to me. Crack on, love. You know where the machine is.

Good call.

I don’t think banning her from saying ‘mum says’ is going to send a great message to the child and might make her feel quite divided. Similarly suggestions to say ‘mum doesn’t matter here/cant control me/doesn’t make rules here’ could make her feel like half of her kind of origin/roots isn’t valid. I think those comments are much more about what you’d like to say to the mum not the SD.

I think pointing her at dad or empathising that mum worries a lot about you are probably best for SD. You could point out it’s rude to tell a grown up that they ‘have to’ do anything.

Also- 7yo’s are quite annoying! They go through a developmental stage where they want to explore their own identity and what makes them different from other kids. They can become quite bossy and boastful but it does pass!

Oh that poor girl, so young to be being manipulated!

It must be silently infuriating op but it’s great that you are treating her with kindness regardless and placing the blame squarely where it should be.

I think the obvious shock at the requests and the firm but kind replies mentioned on this thread are the way to go.

I’d expect DH to be having very strong words about emotional abuse and parental alienation to the DM though.

My mummy says, my mummy has... blah blah.

I feel your pain. While my DD Is a lot younger, the constant comparison is draining. I just say 'cool' and brush it off. Do you think she goes to mums and says 'daddy (or you) says' I can't imagine it's one sided...