If I hear 'mum says you have to' one more time

[Bandia]

I'm going to scream. There's obviously more backstory but all we've had for the last 2 days from dps dd is mum says you have to do x, y, z. Mum says you have to change the bedclothes. Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. Mum says you have to buy me an ipad. Mum says I have to come into the home office. Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. Mum says you have to make my dinner.

Thank god she's going back to mum later today because I'm fed up with mum trying to control my home through their child.

I would tell her to stop saying it. If she didn't I would tell her to gether Mum to tell me to my face!

I had a DP years ago with kids. The DS who was 7 kept on about how much money his Dad had compared to his Mum and it was clearly coming from the mother. Eventually my DP got so fed up with hearing this that he quipped, "If your mother wanted access to my money so badly she should not have gone off with should she?"
It was not his finest moment. It worked though. DSS must have told his Mum as there was a salty phone call but that was the end of it.

@MessAllOver

Refer her to her dad. Every time. "Sorry, you'll have to talk to your dad about that because he's your other parent".

Then tell your DP to grow a backbone and deal with it. He needs to tell his DD that he and you decide what goes in your home, not her mum. "Well, your mum is not here. We are." would be a good start.

I like this. Because if DD is parroting everything back to her twenty times a day he’s more likely to do something to stop it. 😄

Parroting back to her dad.

@ErniesGhostlyGoldtops

I would tell her to stop saying it. If she didn't I would tell her to gether Mum to tell me to my face!

I had a DP years ago with kids. The DS who was 7 kept on about how much money his Dad had compared to his Mum and it was clearly coming from the mother. Eventually my DP got so fed up with hearing this that he quipped, "If your mother wanted access to my money so badly she should not have gone off with should she?"
It was not his finest moment. It worked though. DSS must have told his Mum as there was a salty phone call but that was the end of it.

He said that to a 7-year-old?

No wonder he’s your ex.

@Bandia

I'm going to scream. There's obviously more backstory but all we've had for the last 2 days from dps dd is mum says you have to do x, y, z. Mum says you have to change the bedclothes. Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. Mum says you have to buy me an ipad. Mum says I have to come into the home office. Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. Mum says you have to make my dinner.

Thank god she's going back to mum later today because I'm fed up with mum trying to control my home through their child.

Mum says you have to give me your toiletries? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 um no child here we have our own you have yours i have mine

Why does she have to come in the home office?

What show is so bad you can watch it while a child is in the house?

*can't watch it

Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. (She probably wanted to bring shampoo?) Mum says I have to come into the home office. (Would she usually be left alone?) Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. (Is it age appropriate?) Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. (Why would you unless it was a family game?) Mum says you have to make my dinner. This sounds more like a little girls who is anxious about the visit and mum has been reassuring her with a couple of demands thrown in for good measure.

This sounds more like a little girls who is anxious about the visit and mum has been reassuring her with a couple of demands thrown in for good measure.

Let’s not forget ‘Mum says you have to buy me an iPad’ and ensuring abuse when the answer was no.

The bedclothes one was 'mum says you have to change the bedclothes in front of me, bandia, because you could be lying about doing it when I'm not here. I have to see them go into the washing machine.' I wanted to say that mum can fuck off. I didn't.

easy solution to that one - she changes and washes them herself...

depending on the age of the child you could just stick your fingers in your ears and say "lalalala I'm not listening"?

I have that here too @nevergoingoutagain. 'Mum says you're really rich so can pay for everything'. Mum even bought this up in court, using a treat my family had given the children to 'prove' we were super wealthy. Which we are not.
OP I have no advice, just a hand hold. Hang on in there and get your DP to sort this out.

@Alexandernevermind

Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. (She probably wanted to bring shampoo?) Mum says I have to come into the home office. (Would she usually be left alone?) Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. (Is it age appropriate?) Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. (Why would you unless it was a family game?) Mum says you have to make my dinner. This sounds more like a little girls who is anxious about the visit and mum has been reassuring her with a couple of demands thrown in for good measure.

Disagree. There's no reason someone cannot play on their games console when there's kids there. I'm a gamer and I do. She is not even the child's parent. Why shouldn't she play her console or read a book, go for a bath, watch a show that the kid isn't watching or do whatever the hell she likes?

If the SM is WFH she certainly doesn't have to let someone in her office either.

The ONLY mother's rules a stepmother should comply with are ones pertaining to the kid's wellbeing and normal rules that both parents agree on. Like kid should have a bed time, or eat some veggies, have a shower, brush her teeth twice a day or not be allowed into dangerous situations etc.

In this situation I would make it clear that her mother's rules do not apply to me and that I don't have to do anything her mum says because this is my house and my rules. End of.

How much of that directed at her dad?

I mean of course bedding needs changing & dinner needs cooking.

Why does the mum think that those things don't happen?

Perhaps she could have her own toiletries there if she'd like?

Presumably by "give" she means be allowed to use?

"Mum says..."
Bright smile: "Does she? That's nice"
And carry on with your life as you were.

Yea I would get her to strip the bed and put the stuff in the washing machine herself. Bet she stops mentioning it after doing that a few times

I would actually sit her down and chat with her about different rules in different settings, school, mums house, your house. Ask her what the rules at school are. What the rules at mums house are. Then you tell her what the rules in your house are. And when she tries the whole "my mum says you have to " thing, you can say to her "we've talked about this before and what the rules are in this house"
If that doesn't work then every time she tries it you reply with a firm and blunt "your mum is the boss in her house. I'm the boss in this house . That's the end of it. Now do you want to do something fun?"

I would also get her to change the bedding and load the washing machine herself. Valuable life skills!!

@CallmeAngelina

"Mum says..." Bright smile: "Does she? That's nice" And carry on with your life as you were.

This in spades.

How old is she?

Disagree. There's no reason someone cannot play on their games console when there's kids there. I'm a gamer and I do. She is not even the child's parent. Why shouldn't she play her console or read a book, go for a bath, watch a show that the kid isn't watching or do whatever the hell she likes? I was assuming it was directed at them as a couple @Dreading2020sSeasonFinale

Maybe the making dinner and not watching certain shows is understandable though - we dont watch anything violent around DD and I'd expect dinner as a bare minimum. How old is she?

God this sounds annoying. How old is the child?

*How much of that directed at her dad?

I mean of course bedding needs changing & dinner needs cooking*

That's nice dear. Tell Daddy. That's his job.

God this is unbelievable! What an absolute fucking cheek the OP is minding this horrid child for her DP and this is what she gets for her trouble???!

All of that mum says you can't do this mum says I can come into your hone office is clearly all when he's not there. How dare she - either of them. Using her stuff? Stopping her ftom working? Controlling her spare time? Making her doing housework ON COMMAND.

This is bonkers OP you need to vacate when she's there. Work at a friends or in the park or anywhere. You can not look after this child when this is how she behaves and your partner needs to sort it out.

If this was me that child would be told 'this is my house not your mums. And I don't care what your mum said so leave me out of it I am not your servant. I am working/entitled to watch what I want in my own home/entitled to play games in my own home. And you will change your own sheets and make your own food or your dad will do it for you. Not me. Are we clear'

I'm sorry but this girl is clearly relishing the power she has. You don't give a child this kind of power over an adult. Awful.

"I'm sorry but this girl is clearly relishing the power she has. You don't give a child this kind of power over an adult. Awful."

Relishing her power??

Well of course it could be that she has complained to her mum about some things (rightly or wrongly) & her mum is telling her to stand up for herself?

How old is she & where is her dad when she's there?

"Mummy's rules are for mummy's house."

Id be tempted to say you are in this house now and this is what we do here . If you're not happy go home. Why should you put up with this nonsense. But actually what MessAllOver said is much better. Do that.