If I hear 'mum says you have to' one more time

[Bandia]

I'm going to scream. There's obviously more backstory but all we've had for the last 2 days from dps dd is mum says you have to do x, y, z. Mum says you have to change the bedclothes. Mum says you have to give me your toiletries. Mum says you have to buy me an ipad. Mum says I have to come into the home office. Mum says you can't watch that show when I'm here. Mum says you can't play the PlayStation when I'm here. Mum says you have to make my dinner.

Thank god she's going back to mum later today because I'm fed up with mum trying to control my home through their child.

How old is she and how does her dad handle it?

We’ve had the money thing. We were both working full time, ex was working pt with DH paying for wrap around care on her days. She got 80% of the house when they divorced, child support and generous spousal. DSS in particular was always asking how much things cost here (as mum clearly wanted to know) to the point that we decided to just say we didn’t remember. She suggested we got them mobiles when he was 7 and paid for them.

She also loves booking activities for DH contact time where she lives, miles away from us (she moved) and telling them “your dad is your taxi. It’s his job to take you anywhere I book for you, what else would he be doing on weekends?! I’m your mum, I get to decide xyz and it dad’s job to take you”. On the odd occasion activities she’d booked fell on her time she wouldn’t take them herself and got lifts from other parents. It wouldn’t have been so ridiculous if they’d been things they kids actually wanted to do but we weren’t going to force a reluctant and occasionally actually distressed child into fucking football or whatever an hour from us because mum thought it was a good idea. But the dad is your taxi line didn’t do much to engender coparenting harmony. Cheeky cow.

Just tell her bluntly that mummy doesn't make the rules in your house, no more discussion needed. It sounds very annoying.

It sounds like the typical you work from home now (thanks Covid!) so do the childcare.

If this was me I'd be begging to go back to the office and telling my DP they were insisting I go back. I'd also find a time consuming hobby for weekends. And telling dp I didn't want yo get in the way of their quality time so couldn't babysit.

And put a lock on your study and use headphones to game/watch tv. Then when she kicks up a fuss because her slave isn't at her beck and call just say oh I had my headphones on and couldn't hear you. Where's daddy?

Perhaps a short lesson in economics too. "I work so I have my own money and I pay as much as your father to live here. So it is my house as much as his as if it wasn't for me working and paying my half we probably couldn't afford to have a room for you.

So because it is a house I pay to live in I can live in it how I want. That's how money works. You pay for something it's yours." I'm assuming that you do indeed pay to live there mind you.

But really there's no way your partner should be allowing this. Any of it.

As a former teacher I used to hear ' my mum says...' all the time.
My response was ' at home mum is the boss of you' but in school ' I'm the boss' Try that, be the boss in your own house.

Simply

Mummy doesn’t need to worry dsd we have a lovely clean house with everything you need. Your safe here and it’s lovely to see you.

Big smile and or hug.

On repeat.

If child is anxious herself

You have two lovely safe homes where you are loved and have everything you need.

Then the above.

Also I would recommend that each and every time she arrives you have a settled transition to set the tone - maybe it’s hot chocolate or a play in the garden and really check in with a chat - get into her world a bit, preempt any worries and quash them. Let her be a child once she has passed on Mums anxieties It might go as far as saying

The house is lovely and warm
And your room and bed are all changed and welcoming for you
We have lots of food in the fridge
I’ve got a film and snacks for you for when I am working in my office etc.

Basically anything that has been mentioned before

It’s horrible for her that she has to act out her mums issues.

I know its really annoying but I feel for any kids in this kind of situation. What a shit parent you are if you make your DC anxious and trapped in the middle rather than be child centred and just making sure they are happy and feel secure.

Anyway, I would go with, 'moms the boss of her house, I am the boss of my house'.

She's 7.

I did not change her bed clothes. I said she could do it herself if she had to but it had already been done.

It's not just me that she directs all of the mum says stuff to, it's dp, my dc and all of dps family too.

Dp either ignores it or says something about different houses having different rules.

She has her own toiletries here.

Dp does about 90% of the cooking so I usually ask her why she's talking to me about dinner as I do very little of the cooking. Mum told her dp once burned dinner before she was born when they lived together so clearly he can't cook.

We've had the money thing to but it's varied week to week. Some weeks it's mum says you're rich and others it's mum says she richer than you.

The TV and games ones aren't just when she's awake. Mum says I shouldn't watch TV shows, or play games when she's asleep either. In a separate room. In my own home.

When it's directed at my dc, dp or I will intervene, distract or say that she has to follow mum's rules and dad's rules but my dc have to follow my rules.

It's very grating, and frustrating. But it's not her fault and her mum doesn't seem to care or understand that it's not appropriate.

Anyway, I would go with, 'moms the boss of her house, I am the boss of my house'.

Yep. Short and sweet. Delivered calmly and with a smile. Because the poor kid is being manipulated by her mum. It's not her fault.

Does mum have a partner?

That would drive me round the twist! A friend of mine had this with her DSS, his Mum was a very difficult woman to co-parent with and directed a lot of malice through her child. Much of it was around cleaning. Made the child deeply anxious (and annoying!)
I did rebuke him once when he was going through a particularly annoying (and probably off the scale with anxiety) phase of criticising everything - I pointed out that he was actually being incredibly rude to his SM (who has the patience of a saint) and his Mum was entitled to her rules and standards in her own home, but he couldn't expect it or impose it anywhere else.
I did feel a bit of a meanie afterwards, but it did help. He just couldn't see how it was affecting anyone else and his Mum had done a complete number on him.
DSS and SM are actually very close. She probably does the bulk of care for him out of anyone.

This sounds so, so infuriating but I think you're doing really well to stay calm and remember it's not DSD's fault, especially if she's 7. It must be so, so tempting to say something negative about her mum but it's so bad for her to hear both sets criticise the other - obviously that also applies to her mum but you can't control her, unfortunately, but you can make sure you don't add to it yourself. The other thing that occurred to me is if she misses mum when she's with you and wants to talk about her and this is the only way she knows how to do that?

Mum does have a partner. We hoped when she met him she'd focus more on her relationship and less on our house, but no.

She sent dp an email during lock down about how mean I was for allowing dcat in my office but not their dd. Just for clarity, my dc are also not allowed in my home office but according to her that's irrelevant. Dcat is, which shows I value dcat more than their dd.

Mum says I shouldn't watch TV shows, or play games when she's asleep either

This part I think I would struggle not to tell DSD was plain wrong, rather than just deflect sweetly which seems to be the most popular advice.

I am very open with children that grown ups are people too and they have their own things that they like to do for fun that are not the same as what the kids like to do. So given they spend all day being kind and doing things the kids want to do (watching endless minecraft videos and episodes of paw patrol come to mind) the evening is their time and they should get to do what they want with it. It's part of the children learning empathy and that the world does not revolve around them. I wouldn't be able to tolerate such a self centred message being encouraged.

Would it help to write a list of house rules with her and the rest of your house?

Her mum must be making her very anxious.

It's very tough to live with OP.
The mum in my case hated is taking the SC anywhere outside the house at all. She would try to preempt our plans and take the child where we had planned before we did it and when we realised this an stopped mentioning plans she switched tactics.
She would interrogate the poor child for hours when she went home until she found a misdemeanours she felt she could beat us with. It usually revolves around public toilets. We could never get that right. I wasn't allowed to do anything but my husband committed a vile crime if he took her into the men's. She wanted the seats and door handles cleaned with antibacterial wipes, the child held over the seat and helped to wipe herself, then there was a specific way to wash and dry her hands. Child was too big to hold, old enough to wipe herself and had no additional needs.

Even the sc wanted to lie to mummy about going out because she hated the Spanish Inquisition when she got home.

Reading that back it sound wrong.
My husband is a sweeting loving father and not a paedophile!
By vile crime I meant that she didn't think her daughter should use the men's loo but didn't want me taking her into the ladies either.

'Mummy doesn't make the rules here DSD'

And repeat.

@Inpeace

Simply

Mummy doesn’t need to worry dsd we have a lovely clean house with everything you need. Your safe here and it’s lovely to see you.

Big smile and or hug.

On repeat.

If child is anxious herself

You have two lovely safe homes where you are loved and have everything you need.

Then the above.

Also I would recommend that each and every time she arrives you have a settled transition to set the tone - maybe it’s hot chocolate or a play in the garden and really check in with a chat - get into her world a bit, preempt any worries and quash them. Let her be a child once she has passed on Mums anxieties It might go as far as saying

The house is lovely and warm
And your room and bed are all changed and welcoming for you
We have lots of food in the fridge
I’ve got a film and snacks for you for when I am working in my office etc.

Basically anything that has been mentioned before

It’s horrible for her that she has to act out her mums issues.

I really like this approach. I imagined her as maybe 8/9. But poor wee mite. She’s only 7. Yes, definitely lots of positive praise and attention. She needs to be enveloped in love actually. Such a young age.. This sort of approach ^^. Creating a ritual that you have every time your dsd comes so that she can de stress. Pre emptying worries that she is passing on. Once she can de stress so can you and your dp.

She is only 7. I think the over the top reassurance that all is exactly how it needs to be and she doesn't need to worry is the way I would go too.

Id simply say your mum doesn't get a bloody say in this house!

Don't assume it's all true.
My bet is, that "Mum" is getting nagged by the little manipulator in the same way. "Bandia says I can stay up later. Bandia makes this dinner better than you. Bandia lets me..."

   Time for a heart to heart with  the Mum,  in which adults agree the new rules and brat DASIBWT

Ugh how annoying!

It used to bug me when my former dsc used to tell me how to do household chores like I was born yesterday. To be honest it wouldn’t have bothered me if dsc was saying it through their own knowledge and was just being helpful in their own little way.
It was the “Mummy does this Mummy does that.” that used to really get on my nerves because I KNEW how to load a washing machine just as much as their mum did!

I would just smile sweetly whilst screaming “YOUR MUM CAN FUCK OFF” in my head 😂😂

SpongebobNoPants

Many times I thought that

This would drive me round the bend. I’ve said this to my SD your mum can have her rules in her house and she can do what she wants but in this house your dad and I make the rules.