How come we can never switch off? Always have to be available.

[MumandnotMum]

DSC Mother has once again not been available to collect on her day from school and we’ve had to swoop in a rearrange everything, missing half a days wage as one had to collected early with illness.

I’m absolutely fed up of it. I don’t want to tell the school that we don’t want to know because they’ll have to phone social services to collect I guess and that would just absolutely traumatise the kids but fucks sake. How can you just be totally confident that your kids will have to be dealt with by someone else?

You don’t know me obviously, and I don’t expect you to guess but it’s absolutely ludicrous to say there is a divide. I have 5 stepchildren. They are home here where they have lovely bedrooms, we have two to a room so everyone shares, they all have exactly the same as what my son has. I’d be inclined to say they have more because everyone else in my DH’s family overcompensates because they have a flaky Mum. Monday-Wednesday and EOW we are there and ready 100% of the time, engaged and involved with the school and the children’s school work. When their mum was originally being flaky, she asked that she just have EOW and EO Friday. Fine, we said. Sorted life around that. Lockdown happened, she did not see her children for FOUR MONTHS. She saw her friends children, even babysat them, was telling her own kids about it when she phoned them. Post lockdown, she wanted it back to 50/50, how dare DH try and take her kids away from her or even suggest he have all school days. Fine, we’ll organise our shit in a way that means we can slot all our working hours etc into place. DH is self employed, there is no employer offering parental leave for kids off school. Arrange childcare for whoever needs it for whatever days.

They went back to school two weeks ago. She’s had to stick to it for two weeks and already she’s floppy. Those kids are my responsibility, all 6 of them. The school know full well that I’ll do absolutely anything for them which is probably why they know I’m a sure bet to collect them. I’m at sports day and Harvest Festival and Nativity. I buy costumes and do hair and pick up bits I think they’ll absolutely love when I see them in the shop. Meanwhile DH’s 8 year old wants to stay up in case Mummy changes her mind. They want a reliable, normal relationship with their Mum and we are doing are absolute best to support it but does that mean I have to sit in the house on a Thursday in case she’s too hopeless to collect them and I have to do it? Or DH has to and earn £0? We don’t go away, we won’t go to Ikea in a day off because it’s too far away from the school. Their Mum has none of these worries. I had my caesearean at 12.30pm. DH was picking them up at 3pm because it was “his day” and if he didn’t she’d drop them off at the hospital. That was four years ago and the last time he asked for any leeway on pick up.

We should tell her to get stuffed and to come and get her kids when she’s got her act together but they would be absolutely devastated because they worship the ground she walks on. She does not feel the same way.

But in answer to your question - 6 kids + my Mum in her Ford Focus is not going to happen.

Honestly - their mother sounds horrendous. The casual disregard and lack of care she has for her own children is quite shocking to read.

As I said in my first post, I understand why you are feeling frustrated. However actually, I think you might actually just be absolutely furious at seeing your step children’s mother treat them the way she does, at the impact that having to pick up the pieces is having on them, on you. I totally understand that too.

@SemperIdem It’s the biggest part of it. And the fact that when DH says to just leave them here school days more permanently she throws it in his face and says he’s making threats. If you know you’re going to struggle them just take the help offered. Don’t say no but then force us into it when we’ve worked all our time out. I know it would be best for them to go to court but I think it would break all of us. Plus she has lots of ‘support worker’ type people involved in her life, which often means social services. We pass over our concerns, they say that they appreciate it or whatever but some people just have lesser standards and it just reinforces to her that she’s just not that bad basically.

[quote MumandnotMum]@SemperIdem It’s the biggest part of it. And the fact that when DH says to just leave them here school days more permanently she throws it in his face and says he’s making threats. If you know you’re going to struggle them just take the help offered. Don’t say no but then force us into it when we’ve worked all our time out. I know it would be best for them to go to court but I think it would break all of us. Plus she has lots of ‘support worker’ type people involved in her life, which often means social services. We pass over our concerns, they say that they appreciate it or whatever but some people just have lesser standards and it just reinforces to her that she’s just not that bad basically.[/quote]
But your husbands standards are okay? Leaving his kids with a woman who treats them like this?

Get real here.

@excelledyourself

“You can see she’s not keen to put the children first but there’s nothing technically wrong with how she parents” were the words of the last social worker who was involved. She said the best thing we could do would be to just be there for them as much as possible. We’ve had various meetings and house calls over the years.

I feel your pain OP. I'm the RP who has to do all the pick ups and drop offs. Every so often he will collect but doesn't tell me so I have to go anyway. Doesn't tell me of he is having DS for the weekend, just collects him on a Friday and goes off. Its so frustrating and I cant do anything.

This isn't a mum or dad specific thing, its a shit parent thing.

@aSofaNearYou gosh you sound like a lovely step mum

Thanks 👍