Stepchildren

[Mb1978]

Dear all I am new here but looking for advice. I have been together with my wire for nearly 12 years we have a 10 year old son together and two step sons of hers 1 19 1 16 and to be honest they are ruining my life and don’t know what to do.
About 4 years ago they both started smoking weed first at school then streets and now after 4 years my wife had decided without me it’s ok to smoke in the shed. I completely disagree I have a 10 year old that I’m trying to bring up the right way. For years if I bring it up or tell them
I have had enough of the constant smell it always turns into world war even to the point the 19 year old tries to goad me into hitting him. I’m not like that and I know that would be my marriage over. I would kill him if I was to hit him. My wife does nothing my son has to watch this and still does nothing. So lockdown has been hard. I obvious moan about it all the time because I have had enough. I work hard have a lovely house and I just don’t want it. Any way my wife come to me crying yesterday because I argued with her son again over this he was calling me a c* and all the rest of it threatening me. She has now said to me if I can’t put up with it I better leave because it’s not fair. And it’s completely thrown me. I literally do everything for them because there own dad doesn’t bother I pay for everything holidays phones all bills the lot. I have just no say in anything. Now my dad walked out on me when I was young I can not do this to my son. Apart from that I wouldn’t leave him in this house because god knows what would happen. He is abusive violent rude. When he drinks he starts on whoever is around including his mum and his 16 year old brother. Part of me wants to just leave but why should I be pushed out of my family home. Please help someone. Any advice appreciated

Wishing you great courage, OP.

Please be brave and it will be worth it. Your boy deserves it and son do you.

I’m not sure why you are being criticised.
Like everything in family life you hope things will get better and it just sounds like
You have no control.
It doesn’t sound like you wife treats you very well at all. She takes all your wages and then makes you feel uncomfortable for even enquiring about them.
It’s abusive.
So, the property is just rented right?

It does sound like abuse and the weed smoking is just the catalyst here

So you pay for absolutely everything in the house but your wife, who strictly controls how much of your own wages you can access, would ask you to leave if you put them into your own bank account?

I don't think you realise how abusive your wife is OP. I know you love her but honestly, this sounds extremely concerning and not the actions of someone you are in a "loving" relationship with. You should absolutely run a mile from this woman, not try to fix your relationship with your abuser.

@Mb1978 how has it been?

@Mb1978 just read this and I’m hoping you come back to the thread for support. Your son doesn’t deserve to live like this and neither do you.

Hi just an update, so
Basically I sat my wife and step son down told
Them how I feel I basically got laughed at until I mentioned taking my son at the earliest opportunity and from this day forward I keep my own money and share all bills and pay nothing for my stepson. I also told him if it doesn’t stop I’m
Going straight to the police and council. He has got a week to sort it otherwise it’s getting done. As it happens next door have complained about the smell and said they will go to the police. I basically washed my hands of him. 12 years of opportunity to sort this. But we will see

Thanks for sharing your positive update, OP. Well done on standing your ground.

Did you get a bank account set up?

Have things started to change?

Well done @Mb1978.

How did your wife react when you said all of that? Have you sorted a separate bank account?

At the minute things are ok ish she was very taken back with what I said. And wanted to know why now after all this time... step son sure he hasn’t stopped doing it but not in my garden and doesn’t walk through my house stinking of it. He did actually approach me and basically he treats me the way he does me cause he thinks I hate him. In actual fact when I took the kids on I’ve always tried to give what their own dad didn’t not to take his place but as not to treat them different to my own son. Basically I have only ever been allowed to be positive and never say anything negative. Basically if I say yes to everything and moan about nothing I would have been ok.

Good for you op. Seems you've been in a financially abusive relationship. I hope you decide to leave as soon as possible. Perhaps see a counsellor about your fears regarding letting your son down. Sounds like you're doing a great job.

All the best

Thank you @Mb1978 for your update. This is one of the strongest and most positive updates I have ever read.
Stick with your resolve. You have drawn a clear line in the sand. I hope you have your new bank account now. I realise it was not about money! I hope dss moves on(and out) and you can make a good relationship with your ds mum.
Best wishes.

I really feel for you. You are in a tough situation. I agree with the other posters - refuse to pay for anything for them unless they stop smoking it on your property and continue to be aggressive. Also suggest you say to your wife the reasons for your concerns and unless you work together and have a united approach you will have no option but to get social services and the police involved