Stepchildren

[Mb1978]

Dear all I am new here but looking for advice. I have been together with my wire for nearly 12 years we have a 10 year old son together and two step sons of hers 1 19 1 16 and to be honest they are ruining my life and don’t know what to do.
About 4 years ago they both started smoking weed first at school then streets and now after 4 years my wife had decided without me it’s ok to smoke in the shed. I completely disagree I have a 10 year old that I’m trying to bring up the right way. For years if I bring it up or tell them
I have had enough of the constant smell it always turns into world war even to the point the 19 year old tries to goad me into hitting him. I’m not like that and I know that would be my marriage over. I would kill him if I was to hit him. My wife does nothing my son has to watch this and still does nothing. So lockdown has been hard. I obvious moan about it all the time because I have had enough. I work hard have a lovely house and I just don’t want it. Any way my wife come to me crying yesterday because I argued with her son again over this he was calling me a c* and all the rest of it threatening me. She has now said to me if I can’t put up with it I better leave because it’s not fair. And it’s completely thrown me. I literally do everything for them because there own dad doesn’t bother I pay for everything holidays phones all bills the lot. I have just no say in anything. Now my dad walked out on me when I was young I can not do this to my son. Apart from that I wouldn’t leave him in this house because god knows what would happen. He is abusive violent rude. When he drinks he starts on whoever is around including his mum and his 16 year old brother. Part of me wants to just leave but why should I be pushed out of my family home. Please help someone. Any advice appreciated

So is it me that’s now in the wrong and basically I should just leave @Dandelionz?

I think you do have to be the one to leave, simply because the tenancy is in her name. You are not going to be able to evict her or the elder two boys without a long, drawn-out process which you may not win. So sad though it is, because you've clearly put a lot into the house, I think you should leave with your son. You earn enough for another rental? You don't actually owe your wife any maintenance or anything like that if you take your boy with you, so financially things should be ok, if tight.

I think a lot of your son's anxiety will disappear if he moves to a conflict-free house, though clearly some of that is driven by fear for his mum - elder DS sounds very agressive. However, you can only protect another adult if they want to be protected. A child is different.

It’s not ok for your son to be around lads smoking weed. It really isn’t. He will be in there with them in a few years.

Move out and take your son. Your have a parental responsibility to make sure he isn’t around drugs.

When I used to teach I could smell it on the kids clothes and hair. It was awful.

Think of your son bot your wife. Your son needs the support not her. Your basically being told to shut the fuck up or leave, just leave with your son.

@Mb1978

So is it me that’s now in the wrong and basically I should just leave *@Dandelionz*?

I don't think you're in the wrong OP but I'm not sure how you plan on being the one to stay when the house isn't in your name.

You do need to get out of this situation though for the sake of your son.

If he going full custody citing the fact she lets drugs in the house and her 16 year old who is still in school get wrecked on her property. She can then pay you CM.

People might be ok with smoking weed but it’s one of the biggest causes of mental health in young men. You don’t want you son going in that shed with him in a few years.

I’d be **

Hi all this really wasn’t about me wanting to keep the house. It was really about what to do for the best regarding my son. Part of me thinks I should leave set up new home ect but have my son as much as he wants me and that way he has a safe place to be. Hopefully as he gets older he might make it permanent. But as I work full time I don’t want him to feel alone and like I’m
Never with him. Man this is hard I wish I did not love my wife anymore but we have been together along time. And completely worried my son will never forgive me for leaving alone or with him

Plenty of single parents work full time OP. If you are leaving because of the environment you're living in, why would you leave him behind? Other posters are right you know, he'll be in that shed with his brothers in a few short years.

@Mb1978

Hi all this really wasn’t about me wanting to keep the house. It was really about what to do for the best regarding my son. Part of me thinks I should leave set up new home ect but have my son as much as he wants me and that way he has a safe place to be. Hopefully as he gets older he might make it permanent. But as I work full time I don’t want him to feel alone and like I’m Never with him. Man this is hard I wish I did not love my wife anymore but we have been together along time. And completely worried my son will never forgive me for leaving alone or with him

I lived with my dad when I was younger because it wasn't appropriate at the time for me to live with my mother for a few reasons. He worked full time doing shifts. It was still what was best for me and he made if work because he couldn't have left me with my mother. Just telling me I had a 'safe space' with him if I wanted it wouldn't have been good enough, I was not old enough to make the best decision for me, that is your job as a parent.

As much as I loved my mum, my dad knew the best thing for me was being with him even with his work schedule and fortunately a court agreed.

It is not appropriate for your ten year old to be living in this environment. You simply leaving will not stop the drunken aggressive behaviour, you've already said the 19yr old acts this way toward his mother so your son will still witness it, not does he need to be around two grown siblings smoking weed with God knows who in his back garden.

You need to step away from the emotion here and think 'what do I want for my son'. If it were me, him being in this house and this environment would not be it and I'd have to make arrangements to remove him from it even if it affected my work for a while.

You need to do something before your son begins joining in with this behaviour he's had modelled to him his entire life.

If your wife refuses to respect you and your son because her older sons are ruling the house with their lifestyle choices then you shouldn’t feel guilty about leaving her.

Your son is old enough to know that people work, so the two of you could live together very happily without any of the stress, unhappiness, unpredictable violence and persistent drug use he currently copes with.

Do not let your wife normalise that lifestyle for him and for you. Protect your son. Get your own bank account tomorrow and start your plans to break free from this horribly restricted life.

And living with a working parent has got to be better than living in his current environment surely?

I'd have taken living with a single, working parent over living in this house with a drunken, aggressive, drug dependant adult sibling any day.

OP, please please please don’t let your innocent 10 year old son spend the rest of his childhood exposed to this.

Imagine meeting him in the pub for a drink when he’s 30 and you get talking about life. Is he mad you took him away from all this, did your best by him and built a decent life for him, even though as young boy it was tough and he missed his mother despite everything? Or is he mad that you did nothing and he ended up screwing up his education, progressed to harder drugs and petty crime and now has to work 10 times as hard in life just to stand still? Does he think you didn’t care enough to fight for him to have his best chance in life?

Parents like you really annoy me. You know you need to take your child out of the situation but you won’t as it’s just too much bother.

Both of you are failing this kid. And I bet all the tea in China that this 10 year old will soon be a 13 year old get wrecked in the shed with his brothers. And you will both be to blame.

You real grip is that you wife let’s her son talk to you like shit and has asked you to leave you don’t care about your son.

It's in the wife's name.

That’s doesn’t stop it being his home!

‘If you hit him you would kill him’
Who says stuff like that?
Frankly if you care for your son you’d take him out of the situation.

What I mean by that is that he plays on the fact that he knows I never would hit him but because of that he thinks I am scared to do it which I am because if I did it would wreck everything and yes I would really hurt him. But thanks for your comment and the help

Codexdivinchi Parents like me annoy you. I’m sorry for not just giving up and trying to make things work and trying to the best for my son. After 12 years together I thought maybe it’s worth fighting for. Obviously you would walk away just like that regardless of consequences but again thanks for all your advice very helpful.

And please all it’s because I care so much about my son that I am not just walking away taking him from his mum is a very serious thing to do. Do you not think. I would never want to hurt my son.
Look my dad was a waste of space still is walked out when I was young never seen him
Since. I am just trying to be the best I can be and not be like him. Walking is the easy option.

@Mb1978

Codexdivinchi Parents like me annoy you. I’m sorry for not just giving up and trying to make things work and trying to the best for my son. After 12 years together I thought maybe it’s worth fighting for. Obviously you would walk away just like that regardless of consequences but again thanks for all your advice very helpful.

Make what work?

What’s more important your wife or your son because that’s what it boils down too?

You can either

A) shut the fuck up about them getting stoned in the garden and not back chat her sons

B) get the the fuck out of there with your son.

I think if your honest with yourself keeping your son there is the easy option for you.

No way would I have my kids around this.

@Mb1978

And please all it’s because I care so much about my son that I am not just walking away taking him from his mum is a very serious thing to do. Do you not think. I would never want to hurt my son. Look my dad was a waste of space still is walked out when I was young never seen him Since. I am just trying to be the best I can be and not be like him. Walking is the easy option.

No. Walking is not the easy option. Because you take your son with you. NO ONE is advising you walking and leaving your son there. That would be entirely the wrong thing to do.

Obviously you would walk away just like that regardless of consequences but again thanks for all your advice very helpful.

I would walk away if my son was being exposed to this shit yes. That's what a good parent should do. If his mother is so concerned about having him with her, she'll make the appropriate changes required to provide a safe home for him. At the moment she isn't doing that therefore you should. That means leaving and taking him away from this toxic environment.

I know it's been said a million times already but do you not understand, your son is impressionable. He very well may end up the same as your step sons before very long if you don't do something about this. You cannot let that happen. If you do, you are as complicit as your wife.

This isn't about saving your marriage, that should be secondary. It's about saving your child from having to live in such a horrible environment.

🔔 This isn't about saving your marriage, that should be secondary. It's about saving your child from having to live in such a horrible environment 🔔

Your priority needs to be your son here, and that means leaving with him.

To prepare for this you need to open your own bank account and get your wages sent into that. If your wife objects she is entirely in reasonable. This is never going to be a healthy relationship because of who she is, you’re not in control of that and it will never change.

I agree, your son is a bigger priority than your marriage.

Because at the moment he only has one parent looking out for him - you.

If your wife is shocked into changing things so you can move back in then great, work on the marriage then. At the moment, based on your description of life with her rules, it sounds as if you and your son would be much safer and happier walking away. It’s definitely not an easy option. But staying with this violent, druggy life is hugely damaging.

I fully appreciate everyone’s comments I really do and I know your right. I’m going to think over the next few days and try and put a plan together. Hopefully I Won’t lose my bottle. Definitely going to sort the bank thing tomorrow though might make her think somethings going on.