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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepchildren

63 replies

Mb1978 · 12/09/2020 22:39

Dear all I am new here but looking for advice. I have been together with my wire for nearly 12 years we have a 10 year old son together and two step sons of hers 1 19 1 16 and to be honest they are ruining my life and don’t know what to do.
About 4 years ago they both started smoking weed first at school then streets and now after 4 years my wife had decided without me it’s ok to smoke in the shed. I completely disagree I have a 10 year old that I’m trying to bring up the right way. For years if I bring it up or tell them
I have had enough of the constant smell it always turns into world war even to the point the 19 year old tries to goad me into hitting him. I’m not like that and I know that would be my marriage over. I would kill him if I was to hit him. My wife does nothing my son has to watch this and still does nothing. So lockdown has been hard. I obvious moan about it all the time because I have had enough. I work hard have a lovely house and I just don’t want it. Any way my wife come to me crying yesterday because I argued with her son again over this he was calling me a c* and all the rest of it threatening me. She has now said to me if I can’t put up with it I better leave because it’s not fair. And it’s completely thrown me. I literally do everything for them because there own dad doesn’t bother I pay for everything holidays phones all bills the lot. I have just no say in anything. Now my dad walked out on me when I was young I can not do this to my son. Apart from that I wouldn’t leave him in this house because god knows what would happen. He is abusive violent rude. When he drinks he starts on whoever is around including his mum and his 16 year old brother. Part of me wants to just leave but why should I be pushed out of my family home. Please help someone. Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

Iwonder08 · 13/09/2020 00:39

You haven't mentioned if you have any feelings left for your wife. If you do I would strongly suggest you offer her counselling. An impartial person might encourage her to see the effect of her poor parenting to her youngest son and husband. The outcome of the counselling should be both of your step children following rules in your house or being evicted with a short notice.
If you don't have strong feelings for your wife (it would be quite understandable if you don't) I would encourage you to get a decent solicitor. Fight for your son's custody and your house. It is possible with a good lawyer. They will give you recommendations on what evidence you need to collect and how to approach the divorce.
Don't tolerate violence and abuse in your own house. Parking aside your own life it would give a bad example to your son, you don't want him to think it is OK to be treated like that

Houseplantmad · 13/09/2020 00:43

Sounds awful for you stop paying for everything for the older one- he's clearly got money for weed but perhaps he can use the money to contribute to the household instead.

Anordinarymum · 13/09/2020 00:50

The weed smoking is the killer here. Unless they stop smoking it things will never get better. It's not just the weed smoking, it's the company they keep, and the lack of ambition it causes and anger problems.

I would say to you to get your son away from this. Your wife condones the weed smoking because she does not know how to handle it either . Those boys will carry on and set a bad example to your son, and you will be resentful for ever.

I've seen this with friends and it never ends well. What happens when the police get involved. I wonder what she will do then ?

Smallsteps88 · 13/09/2020 00:58

Take your son and leave. He shouldn’t be subjected to this.

Chloemol · 13/09/2020 01:12

By all means leave if that’s what she wants. Take your son with you and leave the three of them to it

excelledyourself · 13/09/2020 01:28

What an awful environment to be living in. For you and your son. Leave and take him with you. I appreciate you don't want to leave your home, but it's the safest way. Then fight for it.

Anordinarymum · 13/09/2020 01:40

OP I had a friend who did exactly the same thing as your wife. She allowed her son to smoke weed in the shed with the reasoning that she knew where he was.
He brought people home she did not know. He stopped seeing his other friends who she knew well. He was associating with older boys who did not go to school or have a job.They were smoking weed in the shed and playing music and it all seemed innocent.
Stuff started going missing from the shed. Hammers, screwdrivers, tools.
That was the start of it.
Then garden ornaments went missing
Then the police came round . The house got raided, police searched the house several times. Son got arrested. Neighbours complained about boys hanging around on the street. police came round again.
She went on holiday with her children and the house was burgled.
In the end she moved.

Original poster

Mb1978 · 13/09/2020 08:17

Thank you everyone for your comments. I do still love my wife believe it or not and I don’t think I could take my son away from her I don’t think he would cope very well. He is an anxious child because of everything that has happened. And I think taking him from his mum would not help. He’s 10 and with me working full time. I think we are stuck here until they do what they keep threatening to do and that’s move out.
The eldest does work and for that I should be great full I suppose even though I still pay his mobile bill. To be honest what he does outside my house I couldn’t care. But it’s in my garden and my house the smell everything. I just can’t cope anymore

OP posts:

femfemlicious · 13/09/2020 09:01

You are doing your son absolutely no favors by staying there. He is already anxious due to this. Sounds like a terrible situation to live in. I would get social services involved. They will force your wife to act on this. Do it for the well being of your son.

IBuildRaceCars · 13/09/2020 09:35

You say your son is anxious due to all this. So surely he'd benefit from being away from it? Maybe that would be the kick up the arse that your wife needs to parent her other sons (or hopefully chuck the disrespectful horrors to the curb).

Leave for your son's sake OP if not for yours. Take him with you, document everything that goes on including the threats and drunken aggressive behaviour so you can fight for custody.

Your son may end up like this if he stays and has this behaviour modelled to him, is that what you want?

MeridianB · 13/09/2020 10:47

Really feel for you @Mb1978

I totally agree that this is no place for a 10year old.

A few things really stand out. Your wife’s sons began smoking weed aged just 15 and 10? And she did nothing? And now she thinks it’s fine to do this in the shed - please tell me not the 16 yo too?

And now the 19yo is abusive and violent and drinks. And she still does nothing?

I wouldn’t worry about taking your 10yo away as it doesn’t sound as if she is putting him or you first at any point. She must know how unhappy you both are. And yet she is choosing to put an out of control druggie before everyone else. She’s made him the boss of the house!

To be honest, the day the weed came home and the older DSS called you the C word would be the last day this carried on.

If the 19yo moved out, could the 16yo be saved and come off the weed?

What is the financial position? House owned by both of you? Does she have any income at all? What would happen financially if you moved out with DS?

MeridianB · 13/09/2020 10:50

In the short term, you can and should totally ban all smoking in and near the house and garden. Do it today, and if they don’t like it they can leave, including your wife, who is enabling all this at the expense of you and your young son.

Smallsteps88 · 13/09/2020 12:13

Well then you need to step up and take action OP. You can’t keep your son in that situation. Either you put a complete stop to the drugs in your home (yes the shed is your home) or you take your son away from the home. You are doing wrong by him to just do nothing.

Original poster

Mb1978 · 13/09/2020 12:14

So the 16 year old started last year with the weed so double whammy. He doesn’t treat me the same as he’s pretty quite. Financially we are council tenants. This is where everyone will think I’m mad. Everything is in my wife’s name because she was already a tenant when I Moved in with her. I pay everything all bills rent council tax phone bills sky everything. My wife does work full time and she buys the food for the month. I have replaced everything in the house over the years. But if I was to walk away it would be with nothing because everything is in her name. So I could not even offer my son anything. My wages get paid into her bank but not a joint account. Causes friction if I ask for the balance of the account. Because she said I don’t trust her but simply I have no idea what’s being spent and how much we have. If I have to get a loaf of bread I ask for money but instead of just putting like £10 in there she will put like £1.50 just covers the bread. I have never really moaned about it because as far as I’m concerned I’m just supporting my family but I am starting to resent it all now. It makes me not trust her not in a cheating way but everything else is is done behind my back.

OP posts:

hypochondriaceveywhere · 13/09/2020 12:19

Well first of all open a new bank account only in your name and get your wage paid into there. Ask your wife for a break down of all outgoings so you will go 50/50. Stop paying your SS phone bill if he is earning.

Original poster

Mb1978 · 13/09/2020 12:28

If I was to do that I think I would probably be asked to leave

OP posts:

MeridianB · 13/09/2020 12:31

@hypochondriaceveywhere

This.

And asking this gently, OP, but is your wife financially controlling you?

MeridianB · 13/09/2020 12:33

Why are household costs not split 50:50 (or even more from her as she has more responsibility for two of the residents)?

Smallsteps88 · 13/09/2020 12:35

OP you are being financially abused by your wife. You are being verbally abused by her son. You need to leave.

IBuildRaceCars · 13/09/2020 12:45

@Mb1978

You're being financially abused by your wife. Along with emotionally and probably physically by her son.

You need to get yourself and your son out of this situation before it becomes normal for him and he models the same behaviour.

She is not a good mother or partner.

IBuildRaceCars · 13/09/2020 12:46

Also your wages are your wages. Get them changed to your bank account. You don't need her permission or signature to do this, it is YOUR money.

Dandelionz · 13/09/2020 12:49

The two eldest are her kids and if she is OK with them smoking weed in the shed at age 16/19, that's for her to decide, not you. You need to come to arrangements about your 10 year old, then break up imo.

Dandelionz · 13/09/2020 12:54

Either you put a complete stop to the drugs in your home (yes the shed is your home)

It's in the wife's name.

I appreciate you don't want to leave your home, but it's the safest way. Then fight for it.

How can he fight for a home that he was never on the tenancy for?

Dandelionz · 13/09/2020 12:56

In the short term, you can and should totally ban all smoking in and near the house and garden. Do it today, and if they don’t like it they can leave, including your wife

No, he moved in to her house, so he should be the one to leave.

IBuildRaceCars · 13/09/2020 12:58

To be fair @Dandelionz the OP only clarified about the house and tenancy being wife's name, AFTER posters said the things you quoted.

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