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Step-parenting

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Original poster

When should I meet my boyfriends kids?

85 replies

Coco777 · 08/09/2020 12:45

Me and my partner have been together for 5 months now, it’s been quite an intense relationship and we talk about a future together all the time.
He has 2 children from a previous relationship which is a bit rocky right now. The ex is very hot and cold when it comes to him seeing the children and often cancels last minute or changes her mind and says he needs to go through the court to see them.
She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) even though they have been separated for over 2 years now and I only met him 6 months ago.

He has started having his children more regularly now, once a week and every other weekend but they aren’t allowed to stay over.
I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out when it’s ok to meet the children and if I should feel upset that I haven’t met them yet.

Any help or advice would be amazing as I’ve never dated a man with children before!

OP posts:
Ernieshere · 08/09/2020 12:47

I think they say at least a year, and judging by He has 2 children from a previous relationship which is a bit rocky right now I would wait even longer I think.

Sorry.

TheUnwindingCableCar · 08/09/2020 12:49

It's been a rocky 6 months for everyone so tbh I would disregard that time and say 6 months from now. Maybe a year.

Fressia123 · 08/09/2020 12:50

We waited about six months. Things were rocky (with the ex not the children) and they're eventually settled. A few years down the line we're a family unit. Yes, sometimes the other side gossip about me/us but now I just giggle rather than worry.

loutypips · 08/09/2020 12:51

I didn't introduce my dd properly for about a year, same with my partners dd. I don't think you should rush it. We met up only a couple of times at six months in, but they didn't know we were dating and we didn't hug or kiss in front of the children.

Don't rush it.

Ernieshere · 08/09/2020 12:51

And Im sorry again because I really dont want to sound unpleasant but I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out when it’s ok to meet the children and if I should feel upset that I haven’t met them yet

Its all about them feeling upset, not the adults.

20 weeks into a relationship is nothing. You won't know the real him for at least another year.

GazingAndGrazing · 08/09/2020 12:52

Minimum a year, how old are the DC?

Original poster
Coco777 · 08/09/2020 12:58

@Fressia123 how did you balance things with the ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
Coco777 · 08/09/2020 12:59

@GazingAndGrazing they are 9 and 4

OP posts:
Original poster
Coco777 · 08/09/2020 12:59

@Ernieshere I’m not sure I agree with not knowing the real him for a year

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 08/09/2020 13:01

Are you in the UK?

Fressia123 · 08/09/2020 13:03

TBH what helped was that she got a boyfriend a couple of months after we started dating. By the time the children met me they had already met her boyfriend. My partner got annoyed about the unfairness of the situation, she called me, told me they shouldn't be meeting me, etc... But mediation said she didn't have a leg to stand on. What has really helped is that my step son sees me as a role model of sorts. So as much as they'd still like to be animosity they can't as the children are neutral now.

Bouncycastle12 · 08/09/2020 13:06

I have a lovely stepdaughter, but best not to rush anything with new relationship. I met her after about 9 months. I didn’t want to rush her, and it took time for her to process DP being in a new relationship (even though he’d been separated from her mother for some time, for kids a new relationship can be the first time they’ve really understood that there’s no going back - and you need to give them time to get their heads around that.)

SendHelp30 · 08/09/2020 13:08

I would say at least another 6 months. You 2 are still strangers really despite how intense your relationship may be

FelicityPike · 08/09/2020 13:09

I’d say another 6 months.
He definitely needs to go to court and get decent contact with his children, especially overnights.
Hope he pays proper maintenance for them both too (not that this is linked to contact of course, but just asking).

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 13:10

it’s been quite an intense relationship and we talk about a future together all the time.

For this reason alone I’d say not until at least a year. Intense relationships tend to burn out. Kids don’t need to be involved in that. They aren’t an exciting tick box feature of your new relationship. Wait until the intensity has passed and the relationship has settled into a normal one and you know it’s for keeps. 5 months in- you don’t know that yet.

The other stuff with his ex and contact should have you stepping back tbh. A sane person wouldn’t be wanting to jump into that sort of longstanding issue- remember- his ex will be in his life forever. You only accept that sort of complication in your relationship when you are certain this man is really worth it and that your relationship is a keeper.

Bouncycastle12 · 08/09/2020 13:10

I would say that we maybe rushed things - with me meeting her after 9 months but a) she was 15 and b) her mother was totally cool about me, and great about the whole thing, so SD wasn’t having to deal with any stress from that angle. We decided I should meet then because SD was curious!

MeridianB · 08/09/2020 13:13

Another voice saying wait at least a year. Maybe review early in 2021 - don’t force anything because of Christmas.

They are still very little, they are going through a lot, with the split homes and Covid and the most important thing right now is that they have really good quality time with their Dad when they see him.

If the ex is that volatile then your BF may want to consider court anyway, so she cannot mess around with contact or withhold.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/09/2020 13:27

I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out when it’s ok to meet the children and if I should feel upset that I haven’t met them yet.

Why are you making this all about you? The only thing that matters is what's best for the children, and that is not meeting their dad's girlfriend of only 5 months.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 08/09/2020 13:29

Should this not be a decision for your boyfriend?

MyCatHatesEverybody · 08/09/2020 13:30

If the children are just getting used to a different access pattern it's probably not in their interest for the boat to be rocked by meeting you for quite some time yet. Step parenting is a really tough gig because you need to get used to virtually everything about your life being bent around accommodating everyone else's wants, needs and timescales. You being upset about not meeting the DC yet is only the very tip of that iceberg, believe me.

Putting aside what's best for the DC this relationship has a world of pain and aggro written all over it for you if their mother's not on board with your relationship. If she's openly angry then it's very likely the DC will pick up on that and feel disloyal to their mum if they show any kind of liking or acceptance towards you. Dealing with hostile stepchildren EOW is a kind of hell you have to experience to believe.

Tbh at only 5 months in if I were in your shoes I would run a mile.

JamieLeeCurtains · 08/09/2020 13:38

She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) even though they have been separated for over 2 years now and I only met him 6 months ago

I want you to think very carefully about this, OP, for your own sanity and future. Why is her narrative so very different from his? Who is telling you most of this stuff?

Personally, I'd give the whole thing a swerve. Too intense, too troublesome, too soon.

ChavvySexPond · 08/09/2020 13:52

I wouldn't bring kids into it until there was a serious commitment and probably not until the divorce is finalised.

My son's friend gets very upset about all his dad.'s girlfriends. He says they are nobody to him, a stranger, but he has to act like they are "family" for six months or a year, until it ends, and then in due course there will be another one. (His dad waits six months) Son's friend says the first few were ok, but now he doesn't even bother to learn their names. He's had a decade of this and it makes me sad for him.

LittleBrownBaby · 08/09/2020 13:55

I agree with a year. We waited longer than that and I'm glad. Even once they met we took it very slow, so just a cup of tea maybe a dinner. Months before any sleepovers etc

Original poster
Coco777 · 08/09/2020 13:58

Yes I’m in the UK

OP posts:
Itsrainingnotmen · 08/09/2020 13:58

My dh met my older dc quite quickly. They actually encouraged me to bring him to meet the rest soon after! Not sure a year in and realising he /you aren't suited once dc are added to the mix is fair on anyone. What's wrong with meeting him as a friend? Some of my female friends have long gone - why not have a male friend intro? They won't be scarred if he disappeared...