When should I meet my boyfriends kids?

[Coco777]

Me and my partner have been together for 5 months now, it’s been quite an intense relationship and we talk about a future together all the time.
He has 2 children from a previous relationship which is a bit rocky right now. The ex is very hot and cold when it comes to him seeing the children and often cancels last minute or changes her mind and says he needs to go through the court to see them.
She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) even though they have been separated for over 2 years now and I only met him 6 months ago.

He has started having his children more regularly now, once a week and every other weekend but they aren’t allowed to stay over.
I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out when it’s ok to meet the children and if I should feel upset that I haven’t met them yet.

Any help or advice would be amazing as I’ve never dated a man with children before!

@Bouncycastle12 yeh that makes sense, thank you :)

@Smallsteps88 intense because of lockdown and COVID.
I don’t really appreciate the fact that you say a same person wouldn’t want to be involved.

@MeridianB thank you for your kind advice. It makes a lot of sense

@Aquamarine1029 I am in no way making this about me. I’m driving myself crazy thinking about it because I don’t know what’s for the best.

We waited two years because the ex massively objected and made it really tough.

I'm actually so glad we did. It was probably too long to wait on paper. But in reality it meant that it was more driven by the kids who'd had plenty of time to get used to the idea of me by then, and were curious to crack on with it. By the time we were finally allowed the kids were actively pushing for it. The only downside I'd say was that it had sort of blown up into a massive thing so I think we were all more nervous than we needed to be.

But on the other hand, it's massively made my relationship with them better. And I'm sure if we'd forced the issue when their mum was still furiously refusing it, they'd have felt awkward and caught in the middle. At five months I think it would have been way too early and I reckon a year to 18 months is the sweet spot.

You say a year is too long "to know the real him" but that's making it all about you. You say you guys have discussed children, so surely what you want is a man who is a good father and therefore waits until the time is right for his kids rather than rushing it to appease you.

Meeting his kids won't "show you the real him" magically somehow, but you can learn a hell of a lot about what kind of man he is if he's prepared to put his children's welfare above you wanting to meet them to cement your relationship.

The danger with waiting a year or more is the longer people wait, the more emotionally invested they become. This means that when the new partner does finally meet the DCs the priority is to make things work for the sake of the romantic relationship even when it's absolutely clear the partner and the DCs don't mix well, which is obviously not a good thing.

The problem is you're damned if you wait, damned if you don't. I think as long as there's not a succession of new partners being introduced then placing a delay on meeting the DC simply for the sake of saying you waited for a year or whatever isn't necessary once you've established your relationship is serious.

I want you to think very carefully about this, OP, for your own sanity and future. Why is her narrative so very different from his? Who is telling you most of this stuff?
This over and over again.

How many times do we read that once the intense relationship blows up, it turned out that the crazy, unreasonable ex, who the boyfriend had many separated from for months was not so much an ex for that long period of time, but I stead had been very much deceived.

If she was fine about the relationship and they were on good terms with swell established contact pattern, you could envisage to meet soon. As things are, it's like the story you get is not exactly how it is and you'll get to the point of considering whether this relationship is for you however hugely in love you are.

For this reason, you shouldn't meet them yet.

And you met him six months ago? A fortnight before lockdown? How can you even have established such an "intense" relationship? Not than an intense relationship after that period is a good thing in any circumstances.

[quote Coco777]@Smallsteps88 intense because of lockdown and COVID.
I don’t really appreciate the fact that you say a same person wouldn’t want to be involved.[/quote]
You don’t have to appreciate it. Any normal person with an ounce of common sense or any sense of self preservation would look at the situation with his ex and think “err, maybe I don’t want to be part of that.”

Intense because of lockdown? That makes no sense. Lockdown should have slowed things down, not ramped things up. Anyway, it doesn’t matter why it was intense. It matters that it is intense. Normal, healthy relationships, once established aren’t intense. Children shouldn’t be part of the intensities of new, honeymoon stage relationships.

Do you both have your own homes?

I think you need to live in this relationship in calmer times and be aware her story and his dont match that might not be a huge red flag but its still there

When asked my ex tells everyone I stop his access on a whim I get involved with men all the time I drink shout at him im a fucking nut job when I'm asked I can show text messages from him cancelling contact due to him having a "headache" his "brakes failed" he is too tired thanks for understanding "chick" im also single have been for sometime and I dont actually drink ive had one relationship in 6 years since we split he has had loads until recently ive been working 40 hour weeks and the kids go to childcare (not to the "paedophile" over the road like he claims) i pay for everything he pays 7 a week for the two kids

Two sides to every story

I would say 6 months is fine but let his DC settle into seeing him a bit more as things have been unsettled; a year is a long time and to be honest his children will start wondering why they haven’t met you as I’m sure they’ll have picked up that he has a girlfriend plus he needs to see you with his children as well as you see him with the children to know if you have an actual future.
We waited 6 months for me to meet DHs DD and it was the right timing. I can see why people say a year but in the non mumsnet world I don’t know anyone who has waited that long.
However I’d urge caution about getting serious with someone who has a difficult relationship with their ex and disagreements over child contact; these things can have a massive effect on your life and if you want to have more children together then effect their lives. I always knew that DD would of course come first but I was naive about how much DHs ex’s decisions would impact on my life

I never understand why posters are so keen to meet someone else’s children. I didn’t meet my DP’s DC for 11 months. And truthfully? I wish I’d kept away from his whole mess for longer.

Enjoy your couple time for longer. Let him navigate the situation with contact/ his children etc and get that to a non Rocky place. Let him also focus on his kids and bedding in 121 routine/ structure with them. They’re young, they need that.

In the meantime you keep leading a full life. Keep seeing friends, doing your hobbies. Dealing with a toxic ex and children is no walk in the park. Protect your relationship and stay away.

That’s my advice.

I would say minimum of 6 months if everything was very amicable, no issues at all, everyone happy and settled. In your situation I would leave it til youve been together at least a year, but if things are no better at that point I'd leave it longer. If you try it too early it may well cause a load of drama and ruin your relationship completely, not to mention how it could affect his kids.

@sassbott

I never understand why posters are so keen to meet someone else’s children. I didn’t meet my DP’s DC for 11 months. And truthfully? I wish I’d kept away from his whole mess for longer.

Enjoy your couple time for longer. Let him navigate the situation with contact/ his children etc and get that to a non Rocky place. Let him also focus on his kids and bedding in 121 routine/ structure with them. They’re young, they need that.

In the meantime you keep leading a full life. Keep seeing friends, doing your hobbies. Dealing with a toxic ex and children is no walk in the park. Protect your relationship and stay away.

That’s my advice.

I think the ones who are so keen, so early on, see it as validating their relationship, how real it is.

Or the parent needs someone else to pick up the slack for them somewhere.

When it's done so early, it's not for the kids benefit, that's for sure.

I think the ones who are so keen, so early on, see it as validating their relationship, how real it is.

For women yes.

Or the parent needs someone else to pick up the slack for them somewhere.

For men. And women when money is involved.

I don’t think 5/6 months is too early - where there is healthy co-parenting/ next to no conflict.

Main Alarm bells here?
New contact schedule is bedding in however Overnights Are not allowed. None of this is court ordered contact.

His priority has to be bedding in the existing contact. Getting that embedded (and documented).
He should get involved with school collections.
Then once he has 3-6 months under his belt and children are happy, go for overnights.

Until all of that is in place, don’t go near this children. Child contact battles are hideous. And if I could do it again, I’d turn tale and run and never get involved with anyone who has a challenging ex. Once children are involved, they own your partner for a very long time.

@JamieLeeCurtains, excellent point.

Op, it can definitely take 2 years to really know someone, you are in the honeymoon phase where you are meeting each others needs. When other priorities kick in such as finances, children, work pressures, drudgery of housework that is when you finally know how someone will react.

His youngest is small, means he sepaared when they were 2 which is when a couple have usually had their most toughest time.

How old are you both?

I'm wondering why he hasn't gone through mediation and/or court to get a regular, meaningful contact schedule set up. He's letting his ex call the shots and that makes me wonder why. I also wonder why it is so intense when we have been in lockdown. What is the rush? Is he future faking? Love bombing? The different narratives would bother me too. I'm the psycho ex according to my exH. The reality is he's abusive and a pathological liar. Be wary of a narrative that is so different to that of the ex especially combined with intensity.
To answer your question though, I'd want 6 months of normal dating/normal life before I considered it. Been there and deeply regretted it as I allowed him to sweep me along. My ds's were involved with dads new gf straight away and now dd refuses to see him and hates her. Tread carefully. They are delicate ages. Dd was 5 when they got together.

I agree with sassbott

So if you wait another 4-6 months his contact should be sorted out or he will be going down the Court process. If it isn't and he refuses to sort it out by going to Court you need to cut your losses as he clearly doesn't like sorting problems out and is a game player.

Also as you met just before lockdown you haven't had a chance to be a couple in as normal circumstances as possible and you need this.

I should add some men and women do have badly behaved exes. However, if someone says their ex is a problem don't believe them until you see evidence of it and then see if there is a clear reason for this behaviour e.g. one is trying to control the other. I know couples where one party would describe the other as a problem. To outsiders who know both parties, they are just completely unsuitable for each other and they just seem to find reasons to squabble so they can point score.

Ok different age group but I showed dd dp's picture on the dating app! She knew I had gone to meet him for the first time and wanted the low down, so yes she met him 2 weeks later when he visited me at my house, I wanted to see how they got on. Other dd actually set up my profile.

Time does vary by circumstances, by age, all kinds of other factors. There's not a singular right answer, the most important thing is that the relationship is secure and you are planning a long term future together.

@sassbott

Because sometimes that's the only way you can spend time together. If you live in different cities sleeping over is necessary . Everyone has different circumstances. 8 months in and I meet dp's dd for coffee without him sometimes and she and my dd have become friends. We are older and know what we want out of life

I would say wait as long as possible, sounds like there’s a lot of tension between him and his ex, I would be stepping back a bit until things calm down. I have been in your situation and moved too quickly and it was a disaster (tbh I wish I had never got involved). I don’t think I would want to be in a relationship with anyone who still had issues with their ex over contact or jealousy.

Why are you so upset about not having met them yet and driving yourself crazy as to when is the best time to do so? It is absolutely not your place to decide, and considering the DCCs dad has only just started seeing his kids regularly again it’s important you take a big step back and let them have their time together alone.

@JamieLeeCurtains

She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) even though they have been separated for over 2 years now and I only met him 6 months ago

I want you to think very carefully about this, OP, for your own sanity and future. Why is her narrative so very different from his? Who is telling you most of this stuff?

Personally, I'd give the whole thing a swerve. Too intense, too troublesome, too soon.

This! But, of course, it always falls on deaf ears. It's always this guy is the one, intense, a 'great dad', everyone is a 'partner' 5 minutes into the relationship, etc etc