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Step-parenting

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When should I meet my boyfriends kids?

85 replies

Coco777 · 08/09/2020 12:45

Me and my partner have been together for 5 months now, it’s been quite an intense relationship and we talk about a future together all the time.
He has 2 children from a previous relationship which is a bit rocky right now. The ex is very hot and cold when it comes to him seeing the children and often cancels last minute or changes her mind and says he needs to go through the court to see them.
She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) even though they have been separated for over 2 years now and I only met him 6 months ago.

He has started having his children more regularly now, once a week and every other weekend but they aren’t allowed to stay over.
I am driving myself crazy trying to figure out when it’s ok to meet the children and if I should feel upset that I haven’t met them yet.

Any help or advice would be amazing as I’ve never dated a man with children before!

OP posts:
anorangeaday · 08/09/2020 17:04

Wait a year

nancybotwinbloom · 08/09/2020 17:12

We waited about 18 months maybe longer I can't remember till we introduced me and him as partners.

Then it was very slow. A dinner out, a few day trips. It just needs to be built up.

We met as friends with others before then, so in a group with other kids aswell.

Doyoumind · 08/09/2020 17:23

His children have just come out of lockdown and gone back to school. They have just settled into a new contact routine. Just leave them alone ffs. They should be the most important things in his life. What works for them should be important for you. You sound immature and selfish and completely in the infatuation stages of the relationship. Do you really, really want a relationship which involved the kids? It won't be the kind of fantasy happy families you might be thinking of. You are pushing things too quickly and I think you are ignoring red flags.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 08/09/2020 17:45

This is MumsNet Coco777 so basically, you should NEVER meet his children. Certainly not until they are at University and even then should avoid being near him when they are home. !

Back in the real world I would say that 6 months is long enough to be together before meeting them. However I do just mean meeting them as 'dads friend' . No sleepovers . Just days out, maybe stay for supper etc. My reasoning is that the relationship you two have now without dc involved is not remotely like 'real' life with kids. At the moment you can focus on each other but the moment kids are involved the dynamic changes. It makes it a different relationship.

A lovey-dovey relationship with him being the ideal boyfriend may suddenly make the stars fall from your eyes when he does some of the really common bollocks that non-resident dads try to get away with.

For example,
Truly shit parent who just doesn't parent. Nightmare out of control kids.
Disney dad that says yes all the time even to poor behaviour because he feels guilty about the split.
Upset kids who need him to help them negotiate your new relationship with him (and therefore the reality of never getting back with mum)
Sad kids, whose father doesn't try to talk to them about their feelings.

Really common.

The lazy arse dad looking for someone other than him to to do cooking, cleaning, childcare when they are with him.. leaving it ALL to you.

Over the next 6 months of casual meetings you will REALLY know what sort of man he is WITH THEM. Then you can move forward to a more permanent role or slide out of the relationship with much less impact on the children's lives. Bollocks to waiting another year or two before you find out that it's not for you !

However BEFORE you are even mentioned in earshot of the DCs , one really important piece of advice. Get your DP to download the papers from HMCTS for a Child Arrangement Order and get it into the court. It cost £215 and the norm these days is to do it without a lawyer. Get him to get his child contact regularised. The minimum should be every other weekend overnight Friday - Sunday evening with an evening every week after school. Because as sure as eggs are eggs, the moment a 'difficult ex' has scent of another woman on the scene, she will withdraw/be difficult with contact. Do this now and if all goes well, he will be having regular contact that is set in stone before you become an official 'partner' in the eyes of the kids and this type of abuse of child contact can be scuppered.

Mama1980 · 08/09/2020 17:52

I'd say a year is reasonable especially if the ex is being difficult....gives time for everything to settle. Plus COVID has and things very unnatural, everyone is unsettled, so I'd err on the side of caution.

Doyoumind · 08/09/2020 17:53

I think the thing is that on MN you get people voicing concerns exactly because so many have been in this situation - either as the parent, or the partner of the parent, or as the child, or as all three.

Children can be very badly affected when these things aren't handled properly.

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 18:20

This is MumsNet Coco777 so basically, you should NEVER meet his children. Certainly not until they are at University and even then should avoid being near him when they are home.

Except every single response has given a time frame of no more than 18 months. Maybe try reading.

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 18:24

one really important piece of advice. Get your DP to download the papers from HMCTS for a Child Arrangement Order and get it into the court. It cost £215 and the norm these days is to do it without a lawyer. Get him to get his child contact regularised.

Absolutely do not do this. His contact with his children is none of your business and you certainly shouldn’t be orchestrating anything 5 months into seeing him! If he hasn’t the sense to organise his own contact with his own children then maybe he isn’t too bright. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to. Either way you should give him a pass. The last thing these two parents need is a new girlfriend jumping in to take control.

Monstermuncher · 08/09/2020 18:43

We waited 8 months and have taken things very slowly. DP has still not stayed over whilst the kids are here but its going well and they like him. ExH moved on very quickly and was merrily booking weekends away for them all after 4 months.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 08/09/2020 19:06

@Smallsteps88

one really important piece of advice. Get your DP to download the papers from HMCTS for a Child Arrangement Order and get it into the court. It cost £215 and the norm these days is to do it without a lawyer. Get him to get his child contact regularised.

Absolutely do not do this. His contact with his children is none of your business and you certainly shouldn’t be orchestrating anything 5 months into seeing him! If he hasn’t the sense to organise his own contact with his own children then maybe he isn’t too bright. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to. Either way you should give him a pass. The last thing these two parents need is a new girlfriend jumping in to take control.

I didn't advise her to do this !! I advised HER to get HIM to do this.

Child contact is not something either parent should dick around with.. ! So many exes pull contact when a new partner arrives. It's arsehole behaviour and a very very long way from the 'children's best interests' ..

excelledyourself · 08/09/2020 19:24

Completely agree with @Smallsteps88

But then I wouldn't be the least bit interested in a guy who hadn't managed in two years to fill in a couple of forms that would help him get his access to his kids sorted.

What else is he going to need hand-held though?

excelledyourself · 08/09/2020 19:25

Even after the ex told him to. Jeez.

CultOfWax · 08/09/2020 19:36

Get your DP to download the papers from HMCTS for a Child Arrangement Order and get it into the court. It cost £215 and the norm these days is to do it without a lawyer

Oh come on, if he hasn't done this by himself already he's clearly not that arsed.

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 19:38

I didn't advise her to do this !!
I advised HER to get HIM to do this.

Yes, exactly! You advised her to get him to do it. She absolutely should not get him to do it. It’s nothing to do with her.

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 08/09/2020 19:49

@Smallsteps88

I didn't advise her to do this !! I advised HER to get HIM to do this.

Yes, exactly! You advised her to get him to do it. She absolutely should not get him to do it. It’s nothing to do with her.

Hmm do I sense a bit of projection ?

Why on Earth shouldn't ANYONE advise a parent being fucked around with contact from get it regularised ?

It doesn't matter if his new partner, a CAB adviser or a neighbour.

If he is a parent that SHOULD be allowed contact , then the court will allow it. If he is NOT suitable then the mother can state her objections... and the Judge will decide accordingly.

What is NOT ok , is for children to be denied contact with their father simply because the mother says so.

boymum9 · 08/09/2020 19:50

We're 18 months into a relationship and new partner will only be meeting my two sons in the coming month, maybe after Xmas which will be two years since. I didn't want to introduce someone into their lives that I wasn't fairly sure was going to be staying around. My ex h is also a nightmare so that has been taken into account, if it wasn't for him I'd probably be introducing sons to new partner around now (so 1.5 years)

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 08/09/2020 19:52

@CultOfWax

Get your DP to download the papers from HMCTS for a Child Arrangement Order and get it into the court. It cost £215 and the norm these days is to do it without a lawyer

Oh come on, if he hasn't done this by himself already he's clearly not that arsed.

Sadly people do not know it's an couple of forms' !!!

They think they need lawyers, Barristers etc and it is out of their financial ability. They believe that the mother will hold all the cards and they will have to spend ££££ for no result.

RedRumTheHorse · 08/09/2020 19:57

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel you or someone you know clearly hasn't been through the court process recently. You can't just download the Court papers and get a Court date without attending mediation first. (There is nothing in the OP initial post indicating there is no reason why her bf and his ex can't attend mediation. )

Then even if you attend Court they expect you to do some mediation to reach an agreement. They only impose an Order if an agreement can't be reached, or the party the child(ren) live with states they agree to a contact arrangement but shows by their actions they aren't willing to comply with any agreement.

Regardless the OP can only support her bf in sorting out regularised contact. If he doesn't want to do so, which will be shown by his actions rather than his words, then she should walk.

Flatpackback · 08/09/2020 20:00

Sounds like the children have enough going on without you getting entangled in their life as well.

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 20:01

Hmm do I sense a bit of projection ?

Really? Grin

Why on Earth shouldn't ANYONE advise a parent being fucked around with contact from get it regularised ?

If he hasn’t realised for himself after two years how to get contact with his children formalised then it isn’t a concern for him. If it was a concern, he would be talking to those around him and they would have suggested it. OP isn’t his saviour.

It doesn't matter if his new partner, a CAB adviser or a neighbour.

It does actually. If it’s a CAB advisor that means he cares enough to go and get advice about it. It is appropriate for a CAB adviser to tell him his options. If it’s a neighbour, that means it’s bothering him enough to talk to someone who isn’t involved or affected by it, so fair enough for them to say “did you know you can go to court”. If it’s a new girlfriend who he’s presenting his best side to, and who will have involvement with the family, then she should be asking herself why it hasn’t occurred to him to do this in the last 2 years and why it’s taken her to mention the idea. Perhaps ask herself how many other new girlfriends have suggested the same thing. Maybe she should sit back and just watch what this devoted father does to secure contact with his children before she jumps in feet first to “fix” his horrible ex problems.

If he is a parent that SHOULD be allowed contact , then the court will allow it. If he is NOT suitable then the mother can state her objections... and the Judge will decide accordingly.

What is NOT ok , is for children to be denied contact with their father simply because the mother says so.

This is all irrelevant as it’s nothing to do with the OP.

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 20:04

Sadly people do not know it's an couple of forms' !!!

They think they need lawyers, Barristers etc and it is out of their financial ability. They believe that the mother will hold all the cards and they will have to spend ££££ for no result.

One google search will give them the answer.

I can tell you now that a google search would not stand between me and my children.

People who want to see their children, do.

Suzi888 · 08/09/2020 20:10

At least a year, what’s the rush.
“She is also very jealous and angry about our relationship and feels that I took him away from her (her words) ... “ were they? did she say this to your face...

disorganisedsecretsquirrel · 08/09/2020 20:52

What is the end game here ? From what the OP has posted .. is there ANY reason why this father should t have decent access to his children.. no wait .. that's the wrong way round . Is there any reason why their children shouldn't have access to their DAD... if yes, then present those reasons at court zzz

Smallsteps88 · 08/09/2020 21:15
Confused

This isn’t about his contact with his children. It’s about when OP should meet them. Talk about projection!

COS2102 · 08/09/2020 21:24

I'm confused at how you've had this relationship for 6 months when that is when lockdown started in the UK but aside from that...I did meet my now-husband's son after about 6 weeks. I worked next to his nursery so they would pick me up and drop me at the train station so I could go home. I was just known as 'Daddy's friend'. We went for a short walk together after 2 month and a park visit etc but I was always just a friend, never introduced as anything else. Things developed naturally. I don't think we ever actually discussed the boyfriend/girlfriend thing until we had moved into our house we bought together a few years down the line......basically there isn't one rule fits all to these things but you need to take lead from him. I think at present his priority is probably more about gaining consistency in seeing his children rather than about you all meeting up

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