Should step children be able to come and go as they please?

[timelord92]

Just that really!

I have a DSD who is 16 and has complained to her dad that she thinks she should be able to come and go as she pleases as this is supposed to be her home too. She feels like she shouldn't have to text to say can she come. We have regular contact set up every week where she will stay 2 night a week on the same days but sometimes she will text if shes coming earlier than planned or something like that.

I get what she is saying but surely everyone needs a routine so we know what is happening and how to plan things.

I should also point out that her mum also expects her to communicate what time she is due back and whether her stay is extended here.

Just wondered what other people's thoughts are. Are there any step parents here who don't have a fixed schedule and allow a bit more leway? How does it work for everyone?

At 16 if she lives between both houses she should have a key for both. If she’s not expected in your home and she pops in then I think that’s fine but a text to tell you what’s happening would be good. However if it’s going to involve meals then a text to ask if she can join you would be the way to go. I’m quite flexible with meal planning, but there are nights when I know exactly what we’re having, sometimes that could easily stretch to another person but others would need a change of plan and that’s where a text would be helpful - I think at 16 she’s old enough to understand that if explained sensitively.

It’s not that simple when you’ve organised your routine around her regular visits. Your schedule might not be able to accommodate ad hoc visits. But it totally depends on how you’ve set things up.

For example, having DSC coming and going whenever would not work in our house. DH and I have both arranged to WFH and be available on the days DSC is with us (50:50). But on the days DSC is not with us, we could potentially be out the whole day and evening. Sure, DSC could let themselves into our empty house and knock up a frozen pizza for dinner, but why would they want to? And would we be comfortable knowing they were there alone? Probably not. But if they gave us notice that they were coming, would we feel obliged to cancel any plans we might have had? Probably.

Personally I wouldn’t want things to be that fluid, because everything with work, childcare and a zillion different after school activities for our other DCs is an intricate balancing act as it is and if one person starts messing with the system, the wheels come off!

But I can see an arrangement like the one in the OP working well if jobs and other responsibilities are flexible enough to accommodate it.

Yes at16 she should be able too!

My teen DC come and go as they please at mine and Exs houses. We check with each other because teens are, well, sneaky fuckers at times and we don't want them lying to us about where they are.

But neither ex nor I have partners so we can just do what suits us without taking other adults into account.

Thanks for everyone's replies!

It seems that it's a mixed bag probably depending on what relationships are like between everyone.

We don't have the best relationship with each other and there has been a variety of issues which has prevented us from being close but we are trying to change that by having more communication. That could be a reason why she wants to spend more time here (as I think when she says she wants to come when she wants I suspect she means she wants to come more often but doesn't know how to say it).

We actually gave her a key for the house years ago. She has in the past let her dad know she was coming when she was locked out of her own house or her nan wasnt in. I don't remember there being an issue about it at the time.

I think if she was to pop in when she wanted and we weren't expecting her at all I think the main thing would be making sure we have food in the house for her as she is quite a fussy child and I plan what we are having days before to save money. Plus when she stays with us I get stuff in especially for her.

Then there is the issue of whether we are going out or we have plans that we are doing. Her dad would be expected to drop her off too which we might not be able to do if we were busy.

If there isn't a set schedule how would maintenance be worked out too? The way we have it now is she stays in ours 2 nights a week so maintenance is worked out accordingly but if it was chopped and changed all the time it would be difficult to work out what is the correct amount to give her mum.

Hi OP,

We gave our SD a key at fourteen I think. The main problem as I recall was lifts. She needed a lot of driving around.

I find these replies perplexing. People are responding as if you get no say but only you know the living arrangements and how this change of plan would impact you.

I said on my previous post I wish I had handled it differently (we stuck to our guns about prior arrangements) but tbh I'm not sure how. In my case SD was losing her shit completely that I was getting any say in anything that went on in the house.

Some examples - if she decided she wanted a full length mirror in her room she would tell her dad to take the one from ours. I replied that we were using that one but would get her her own one and whatever else she needed. She said the master bedroom was to be hers and when I said oh no the biggest room will have to go to us as a couple she responded that she would have to discuss with her father. If I said help yourself to anything in the kitchen except a certain item as I bought them for my work lunches they would be the first thing she would take out of the fridge. And so on.

So I felt, correctly this was her way of letting me know she was in charge. Also, she was demanding far too much flexibility for somebody who was supposed to be in boarding school during the week.

Things did not get better so I don't think I can say I responded the right way but I don't know what I should have done instead.

What does your husband think about her proposal? Also I'm still not sure what her objection is - she doesn't want to have to text? Or is it that you want to stick to set days?

Some examples - if she decided she wanted a full length mirror in her room she would tell her dad to take the one from ours. I replied that we were using that one but would get her her own one and whatever else she needed. She said the master bedroom was to be hers and when I said oh no the biggest room will have to go to us as a couple she responded that she would have to discuss with her father. If I said help yourself to anything in the kitchen except a certain item as I bought them for my work lunches they would be the first thing she would take out of the fridge. And so on.

Sorry to jump on this but, omg-that sounds like a nightmare! Did your DH back you up and what are things like now?

Hoping this was years ago and things are much better!

She should be able to turn up when she wants but if she wants tea/dinner she should be letting you know 8n advance.

I think at 16 she’s too old for a “contact schedule” and should be able to stay where she likes, but she also needs to inform her parents of where she is.

@Grrretel
I agree. What you want to avoid is creating a situation where she can say to her mum "I'm off to see dad " and then disappear overnight as both parents assume she's with the other. This what I would have done at 16 if I could!

It’s the difference between asking permission to stay, and letting you know.
And making sure all adults know.

You seem to be creating difficulties though. You won’t improve communication if you are concerned about how to adjust the maintenance payment to account for two portions of dinner and a shower.

And try saying ‘when she lives with us’ rather than ‘stays’.

Interesting point raised re maintenance. Those saying come and go as she wants how would you handle that?

Wrt maintenance I would just keep it as it is. If she comes and goes equally she might sometimes spend more time at her Mums.

Children who live between parents have enough on their plates without haggling over how many meals she eats where. The majority of maintenance goes on clothes, bus pass for school, clubs etc.

I would have to be so stretched that I was counting out individual cornflakes to make them go round before I haggled over meals and showers.

Don’t we start from the point of view that a father who only sees his children EOW and one night EOweek is delighted to see his teen come more often?

The discussion about maintenance is valid and between adults, there is no need to make it emotive. Many people don't have the money to be paying more than they owe and would genuinely struggle providing mid week meals for a fussy child that they hadn't accounted for in their budget.

God I would love for this to happen.

I have 2 SDC - now 12 & 15. The mother is an absolute control freak. They have the same contact order from 8 years ago. Mother won’t budge (they still have to be dropped off at 4pm on a Sunday so she can bath them (I shit you not)!

She won’t allow any time unless it’s written in the order. There’s absolutely no way the 15 YO would be ‘allowed’ to visit dad unless she said and it was written in the CO order.

Out of interest, at what age would DSC normally start deciding contact for themselves? My 15 YO DSD is very immature and highly controlled by her mum. I was hoping things would of started changing by now and she’d have more say in things.

I'd say asking for permission, no. But texting to let you know? Yes. That's just courteous. You may be out, you may be just about to go out, you may have something else planned etc...

I was welcome at my mums whenever (lived with my dad) but I always told her when I was coming.

She's 16 she should be able to come and go as she pleases. Its as much her home as yours tbh.

Its as much her home as yours tbh.

Not really, as long as you pay the bills it's your rules.

Its as much her home as yours tbh

It's not really about it being her home, she's still a child so until she is entirely self reliant she needs to organise with adults whether they are available to care for her. It's more plausible if she's the kind of teen who's mature enough to have a key and cook for herself, but if she expects company or parental help then she can't just drop in without checking her dad is available.

My stepmum's always made it clear to me that I'm welcome anytime I like (although she does ask that I text her before so that she can make sure she's got enough food for what she's making for tea). We've had a few issues in the past and one of them, (my stepbrother) is still there but now I just choose to ignore him anytime he even speaks to me without really caring how shit it makes him feel. Originally that did cause issues between me and my stepmum but when I explained to her why she seemed more ok about it and I think he's now learned that I'll refuse to speak to him. Struggle even being in the same room as him but I've learned to live with it.

@NorthernSpirit I’m horrified by your post. It’s absolutely ridiculous behaviour and such high levels of attempted controlling will only (eventually) backfire.

My eldest is 14 and has started to decide on and off over the past year a little moves on contact routine. They’re not able to come and go as they please and I don’t forsee a time (certainly between now and 16) when they can. There are routine plans on when they’re seeing my ex and even now, if my eldest wants to change plans, out of courtesy said child must clear it with both of us.

Sadly behaviour like you’ve described is in no ones best interests and is perfect for rebellion. It’s clear that the children in your situation are being very tightly controlled - through fear and/ or bribery. Because I would fully expect a 15 year old certainly so start voicing an opinion on where they spend time (dictated to the hour).

That’s a really sad scenario.

I hate these snarky replies saying things like don't you come and go freely or its as much her home as it is yours.

Does the fact that SD is an adolescent not an adult not carry any significance? And how about it's as much OPs home as it is her DP's?

Op it might help if you delved a bit further into what exactly is bothering you? For me, I very strongly felt everyone was making arrangements around me which impacted me but where I wasn't having any input.

What is your relationship like with SD? Would you like her in the house more? What does your DP want?

I just saw your post about you have to drop her off if she stays in yours. In that case I don't know how it's unreasonable to need a fairly regular schedule.

I very strongly felt everyone was making arrangements around me which impacted me but where I wasn't having any input

This resonates with me so much. It’s the part I absolutely hate the most.

@sassbott thanks for the wise words. I agree and it’s so very sad

It really resonated with me when you said the mother was controlling through fear or bribery. There’s no doubt it’s fear.

The kids get really stressed if they think they will be late for the 4pm drop off (and I’m talking about 10 mins).

It’s so very sad a 15 YO has no say, no option or mind of their own. I really hope this changes soon but I can’t see it at the moment.

My OH says they will realise one day what’s happened. I know he’s right, but it’s so sad to watch the damage being influenced.