Should step children be able to come and go as they please?

[timelord92]

Just that really!

I have a DSD who is 16 and has complained to her dad that she thinks she should be able to come and go as she pleases as this is supposed to be her home too. She feels like she shouldn't have to text to say can she come. We have regular contact set up every week where she will stay 2 night a week on the same days but sometimes she will text if shes coming earlier than planned or something like that.

I get what she is saying but surely everyone needs a routine so we know what is happening and how to plan things.

I should also point out that her mum also expects her to communicate what time she is due back and whether her stay is extended here.

Just wondered what other people's thoughts are. Are there any step parents here who don't have a fixed schedule and allow a bit more leway? How does it work for everyone?

My 18 year old step daughter just comes whenever she likes. She gererally lets us know roughly when she'll turn up but I love the fact that she is so comfortable here that she can do that.

@Isthisnothing

It sounds as if you do give her leeway though, is that right? She has certain days and can come earlier in the week whenever she wants but needs to send a text to let you know.

Is she objecting to the text? It's common courtesy. If she was living in one house she would have to let you know if she was staying overnight with a friend, it's kinda the same but in reverse.

Having said that we had the same battle with my 16 yo DSD and I think I may have made a mistake. Maybe I should have taken a choose your battles attitude as things went appallingly sour over time.

She too kept arguing that it was her home and why should she give notice. She was in boarding school at the time and wasn't supposed to be leaving midweek but could with a parent's permission. She wasn't allowed to arrive at her mother's house, midweek, ever. Her dad was fine about it as he was always keen to see her but he wanted her to at least try to let him know what days he was seeing her during the week. The reasoning was - I do some work in the evenings with clients at home and he often goes out to play tennis those nights. The TV can be heard in the room I take clients. So it was easier for us to know when she was coming so we could arrange around that. Also, she needed plenty of lifts to and from the train station, to training, to her mum's.

I stuck to my guns on it thinking I was doing the right thing to continue to ask her to let him know at the beginning of the week as much as possible but it became a power struggle. His reply was always "yes of course but in future can you let us know so we can plan our week." Finally, we said no and stuck to no that she couldn't come that same day as he was out and I had three clients and it just did not suit.

It sounded reasonable to us but what she heard was that I was in charge now and she was no longer welcome.

So I would tread very carefully because really I don't think I handled it correctly. I wish I had just said "come and go as you please but if I've clients you can't switch on the TV and if your dad is out you might end up bored."

I think the key here is the "intent" in asking for a text.

As per my post above, we made clear it wasn't an issue of permission.

It also worked in her favour because we did make clear that our plans wouldn't just get dropped because she was coming and I think your last paragraph is akin to our approach.

If she knew what we were doing she got a choice if she still wanted to come but she also needed to realise that it wasn't possible (or even appropriate) for us to change our plans last minute or live constantly in the expectation that she might turn up and we'd be "ready" for her - a life on "standby".

So for example, if she texted to say she was coming we might say "great but we are going to the cinema and won't be back until 10pm. If you want to come with us that would be lovely but you'll need to be here an hour earlier than you're suggesting or we'll see you when you get back" or "that fine but heads up we've got 6 friends coming over for dinner tonight and DS has "escaped" to his grandparents to get get away from the boring adults. We'll be using the lounge and dining room so if you were planning to chill out watching a movie you'll probably be need to be in your room (and we can order you a pizza) or join in with the adults" (to which there was in inevitable thanks but no thanks ).

Most of the time it was obviously fine, no issue and lovely to see her but occasionally we were busy and it wasn't a bad thing for her to realise that the world didn't revolve around her and that we had plans/friends/a social life too .

It really depends on your relationship with her e.g. how Young was she when you came into the family unit. If they were young adults when you came to their lives the relationship with them may be more distanced than if you raised them. Of course facilitating time with their father is important but it is your home and not their primary home so wanting some stability and warning for change in routine seems completely reasonable.

@DeRigueurMortis I think has it nailed

She shouldn’t need permission to come round but she should let you know and if you are busy and it inconveniences her then tough!

As an adult I know even now I’m still always welcome at my parents house but if I were to let them know last minute they might be busy. I know they will always give me a bed but I can’t expect them to rearrange plans for me etc

@EasynowPatrick

At 16 should be able to come and go as she pleases. Sending a text so you know when she is coming rather than asking permission.

Yep, always welcome but shoul let you know as a matter of politeness.

She should be able to come and go but always a courtesy text imo. So dinner etc can be arranged. If you're busy then she's old enough to be home by herself if she still wants to come. Very rarely do I drop in on my parents without a heads up, they may be out, have guests over or unfortunately for me the one time I did drop by... doing the nasties

@RoseTintedAtuin

It really depends on your relationship with her e.g. how Young was she when you came into the family unit. If they were young adults when you came to their lives the relationship with them may be more distanced than if you raised them. Of course facilitating time with their father is important but it is your home and not their primary home so wanting some stability and warning for change in routine seems completely reasonable.

I'm sorry but I disagree with the premise of a "primary" and thus "secondary" home.

I would be different if we were talking about an adult who'd never lived with you ever, but at 16 (and from the post it reads she's been a step child for a while) she should feel she has a home with both parents regardless of how much time she spends at either.

The idea that even if she's mainly living with her mother makes where her father lives a "house" where she is a guest rather than a "home" is unfair and plain wrong imho.

I think you just have to use common sense with this. Of course you communicate your intentions of going to someone's house to them.

DP would not turn up at unscheduled at their mum's house without warning and expect to immediately be able to pick them up and take them out regardless of whether they had plans to see friends or send them back to their mum's earlier than planned unannounced and expect her to be there, waiting for them.

Just as they wouldn't just show up here and expect us to automatically be in and have enough food in.

She should treat her father’s house as her home which, of course, it is.

She shouldn't have to ask permission, but should let you know when she is going to be there.

@NavyBerry raises what would be my concern. Two child free adults home alone we might be doing adult things outside of the bedroom. A text in advance is definitely the best option

She should be able to come and go, but there should be a WhatsApp group with her and her parent when plans were communicated so they know she isn't using it as a way to disappear with a boyfriend overnight!

She should however be respectful of meal planning etc and not be causing a constant nightmare or not enough food or wasted food.

@theowlwhowasafraidofthedark

That’s what 16yo children do, come and go. She’s not a guest she’s your husbands daughter.

Agree with this.

You shouldn't have to adapt your plans for her, as long as she understands that then she can come and go as she pleases but a text is good manners.

If she extends that courtesy to her mother then she should also to you and your DH.

I think there doesn't need to be structured only EOW contact and it can be more freely to fit in with older teen schedules. However I would still want to be asked before showing up expecting to stay in case we had plans etc

And dropping in is ok but you need to know are they stay for tea etc so it has to be relaxed a bit I think but not showing up and staying as and whenever she feels like it In my opinion because then dad and mum and you! All know what plans are

Some of these comments are bloody weird.

She’s your partner’s daughter. Would you be happy telling your daughter that she needs to notify you before coming home?

As for what happens when you have plans or want sex in the kitchen... the same as any other parent who has children of that age who may or may not be home!

The only time I’d want notification is if they were wanting a meal to ensure there’s something ready for them to eat.

Would you be happy telling your daughter that she needs to notify you before coming home?

My mum expected us to notify her if we would be home or not once we hit the age where we may well not be. And that was our one and only home where we lived full time - there was never any suggestion that it wasn’t our home. There was however the suggestion that meals shouldn’t be wasted and mothers shouldn’t be kept wondering where we were.

I think if people are turning up in a house that isn’t where they live and sleep in every night-a text is courteous. I wouldn’t turn up at my own parent without a text and I am annoyed if people do it to me.

What if you were having a bath together or having an evening of sex?! Both perfectly reasonable to do if you live together with no kids at home and expecting no visitors, but things you wouldn’t do if you had company!

My 16 year old DS now has flexibility, so no longer goes to his Dads EOW. It means he can do what he wants, and chooses when he sees his Dad. It's only just started - to coincide with college/wanting to get a weekend job- and I'm not convinced it's going to work that well but DS seems happy which is all that matters

There's nothing wrong with asking her to text you. You aren't requesting that she ask permission to come over; she's just letting you know her plans. I don't think that is expecting too much, especially if her mother asks the same of her as well.

Sounds like she feels like she is getting older and should be able to do as she pleases. It doesn't quite work like that when you live with family. A polite text notifying you of her plans is hardly asking too much.

Its her home, a child shouldn’t need to give their parent/s advance warning that they’re going to enter their own home.

The only time I'd want notification is if they were wanting a meal to ensure there's something ready for them

Surely this is most days? People generally eat most days. You're basically saying the same thing as everyone else - not a problem if they don't need anything/to be let in but yes a bit of a problem to show up without warning if they do.

As to would she be willing to tell her daughter to text if she was coming home - a vast majority have said that if our child was regularly not home, we'd want to be informed when they were coming.

Yes, she should be able to come and go as she pleases whenever she feels like it. She should let you/her dad and her mum know so you know she's safe. She doesn't need to ask permission though, it's her home so it should be an open door policy.

Not blended here but DCs all hav summer jobs with weird shifts they always let us know if they will be in for a meal, if they will want a lift. I always want to know when they would be home in case something happened en-route. I think that is caring and have explained this to them.

Sounds like she feels like she is getting older and should be able to do as she pleases. It doesn't quite work like that when you live with family. A polite text notifying you of her plans is hardly asking too much.

I think this touches on a good point. At 16 she could very easily use this to sneak out without anyone knowing. She is still at an age where she needs to inform her parents of where she's going to be.