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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should step children be able to come and go as they please?

117 replies

timelord92 · 04/09/2020 13:45

Just that really!

I have a DSD who is 16 and has complained to her dad that she thinks she should be able to come and go as she pleases as this is supposed to be her home too. She feels like she shouldn't have to text to say can she come. We have regular contact set up every week where she will stay 2 night a week on the same days but sometimes she will text if shes coming earlier than planned or something like that.

I get what she is saying but surely everyone needs a routine so we know what is happening and how to plan things.

I should also point out that her mum also expects her to communicate what time she is due back and whether her stay is extended here.

Just wondered what other people's thoughts are. Are there any step parents here who don't have a fixed schedule and allow a bit more leway? How does it work for everyone?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

monkeymonkey2010 · 04/09/2020 18:24

as this is supposed to be her home too
Not just her home though is it?
It's yours too.....and YOU are allowed to have routine/boundaries in place

DeRigueurMortis · 04/09/2020 18:47

@justasking111

Not blended here but DCs all hav summer jobs with weird shifts they always let us know if they will be in for a meal, if they will want a lift. I always want to know when they would be home in case something happened en-route. I think that is caring and have explained this to them.

I think this is a great post.

There often seems to be the expectation that SC's get a free pass in many regards.

It's not appropriate or sustainable.

My view has always been that if you accept (as I believe is right) that it's the SC's home, then they abide by the same "house rules" as everyone else in the family.

As I posted earlier it shouldn't be about permission to visit but observing the courtesy that most families live by about telling those you live with about your movements - for mealtimes/food, respecting other family members plans and safety.

Saz432 · 04/09/2020 21:39

Surely this is most days? People generally eat most days. You're basically saying the same thing as everyone else - not a problem if they don't need anything/to be let in but yes a bit of a problem to show up without warning if they do.

Don’t be daft - if a person is in your home for half the week and you cook a meal for them every day, that’s a lot of unnecessarily wasted food and money. Of course people eat most days, do you think both households should cook her dinner every night without knowing if she will be there?

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2020 23:43

@Saz432 I don't think you understood my comment. You said you would only need notification if they wanted a meal, so I said surely a majority of days she comes over she would be wanting a meal, unless she was arriving late at night. So by that logic, most of the times she comes over, she would need to notify them.

SpongebobNoPants · 05/09/2020 07:34

My 15yo SC doesn’t have to ask permission to come over but she doesn’t just turn up... mostly because she wants a lift to our house.
She can’t stay midweek because her school bus pass requires her to get on a specific bus which collects her from the end of the street where her mum lives and neither DP or I are able to accommodate dropping her off in the mornings due to work commitments.

So she calls DP or me when she wants to come over. There have been times where we’ve said no because neither of us could pick her up due DP working night shifts / me having plans with my own kids and her mum would never ever drop her off or pick her up.

I also like to know in advance when she’s coming, even if it’s an hour warning so I can make sure we have enough food made for dinner etc.

My DP is often not home so I think it’s just courtesy to let me know if she’s coming as it’s up to me to look after her.

WhiteCat1704 · 05/09/2020 08:29

She should let you know in advance if she is planning to come.
If you trust her give her a key. If you don't trust her don't.
My SD at 15 knew where the emergency key was, told her mother who proceed to randomly text saying SD forgot her glasses and as we weren't in, they are going to the house for them!!
We absolutely didn't want her mother in the house and SD knew that.

After that SD wasn't entitled to having a key or knowing where one was for quite a while. She was also saying she should be able to come and go as she pleased...and it was really coming from her mother..
It was a firm "no".
She got over it.
She later moved in full time but it's a different story.

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/09/2020 08:31

So at 45 I assume I should be able to come and go at my parents house whenever I please ? I have a key, I could let myself in any time.

IndecentFeminist · 05/09/2020 08:41

No, because you don't live there @justanotherneighinparadise

justanotherneighinparadise · 05/09/2020 10:01

@IndecentFeminist

No, because you don't live there *@justanotherneighinparadise*

I still have my bedroom made up if I ever need it and I have a key. So would it be polite to just rock up unexpectedly and sleep in my childhood bed or would it be politer to ask if I could rock up and sleep in my childhood bed?

IndecentFeminist · 05/09/2020 10:50

Are you genuinely comparing yourself to a 16 year old child? I mean, crack on but as an adult with your own home you are very different to a child who lives with both parents...who just so happen to live in different houses.

Fwiw I also have a key to my parents' and they would have no issue with me letting myself in. But that doesn't mean I can't see the difference between me and a child.

itsgettingweird · 05/09/2020 10:52

She should have a key.

She should come and go as she pleases.

But she does have to communicate. She can't expect to turn up at 4pm for dinner without anyone knowing she's coming. But that's basic house rules for anyone and nothing to do with which house.

If my 16yo doesn't need a meal I'd expect him to tell me!

Theforest · 05/09/2020 11:01

I certainly think you need to know if you need to cater for more for dinner. I don't see the issue with her texting beforehand.

VettiyaIruken · 05/09/2020 11:07

Let you know she's coming - yes. Absolutely. That's just good manners.
Ask permission with possibly being told no - no.

A child should always be welcome in their parent's home. No matter who else lives there. It's part of the 'being with someone who has children ' package.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 05/09/2020 11:20

We have 3dc, not blended family. Eldest has own place but will stay over if meeting friends who live nearer to us. All let us know if they are coming home, do or don't want dinner, will be later than usual, need a lift etc etc. It's just courtesy. Nothing to do with permission.

IndecentFeminist · 05/09/2020 13:23

Agreed for logistics re food she should tell you if she is there for dinner/lunch etc. But not needing to ask/prearrange

MyCatHatesEverybody · 05/09/2020 14:02

These threads always make me smile at the double standards...dad's home is only just as much the DC's home when it comes to issues like this yet whenever the subject of maintenance or similar comes up it's always "but the mum has all the costs of housing the DCs" etc.

To get back to the actual question, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a courtesy text - I used to have to buy in loads more food etc for the times my DSC were with us. Bearing in mind the mum in this case has also asked for the same consideration I don't think it's about being made to feel welcome or not!

rorosemary · 05/09/2020 17:14

I'm in my 40s and am still always welcome at my dads house. The only request he has if I can send a text ten minutes before so he can get ready (basically a dress warning in case he is having sex with his partner). Same goes for us, my brother, MIL or dad will text if they're in the neighbourhood. They are close family, so more than a ten minute warning isnt necessary (get dressed, check if loo is clean enough)

I thought that most families operated that way? I'd hate close family to feel unwelcome.

aSofaNearYou · 05/09/2020 18:22

I thought that most families operated that way? I'd hate close family to feel unwelcome.

In fairness I think this is sometimes a regional thing. My partner's family are very much like this but I'm from a different part of the UK and it was not the norm for me. My family never just popped in without prearranging and I don't really know any families that did. I find it really odd when my partner just shows up at his mum's house.

sassbott · 05/09/2020 21:05

No child at 16 comes and goes as they please. They’re 16 FGS. My own children are not ‘allowed to come and go as they please.’ Between my house or their fathers. There are rules, expectations and common courtesy.

If my own child is meant to be at their dads, then I fully expect said child to be there. And if there is a change of mind, then I expect said child to check in with father to let them know they’re not coming and to let me know they’ll be at mine instead.

Courtesy. Safety. And more importantly food planning. My fridge is empty when my lot at with their father. Their father has stocked up on fave dinners for when they’re there.

I’m close with my siblings. Super close, plus I have house keys and they have mine. Would I just come and go as I please? No. Would I expect them to come and go as they please? No.

And I wouldn’t expect that attitude from my own children either.

sassbott · 05/09/2020 21:06

So to extend this to SC, should they come and go as they please? No. Same common courtesy applies that I apply to my own children and own family.

QueenOfPain · 05/09/2020 21:32

I think she should be able to come and go as she pleases, with the caveat that she isn’t going to be waited on when she gets there.

QueenOfPain · 05/09/2020 21:36

Also, I’m in my mid thirties and still have a key for both parents houses. Could happily turn up at either of there houses whenever I wanted even if they weren’t in, and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid.

plmqaz · 05/09/2020 22:59

I was in your step daughter's shoes 30 years ago. I have never forgotten the feeling of being treated like an unwanted visitor in my parent's home. In my case it had been my home before my step parent moved in. I never spent the night there again

KylieKoKo · 05/09/2020 23:05

@plmqaz when you say in her shoes, are you implying that the op treats her SD badly? Because that's quite a leap!

I think it's more likely that the 16 year old has spotted that if she doesn't tell anyone what she's doing its easier for her to get away with being in places she shouldn't

justasking111 · 05/09/2020 23:05

Our front door might as well be a revolving one, family live close our front door is open from morning till night, family come and go as they please. Sons still check the fridge and goodie cupboard when they walk in, put the kettle on and make a cuppa. If we were out they know where the spare key is if they needed to get in. Their homes on the other hand are like fort knox with small enterprising children front door, side gates locked 24/7 thank goodness.

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