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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should step children be able to come and go as they please?

117 replies

timelord92 · 04/09/2020 13:45

Just that really!

I have a DSD who is 16 and has complained to her dad that she thinks she should be able to come and go as she pleases as this is supposed to be her home too. She feels like she shouldn't have to text to say can she come. We have regular contact set up every week where she will stay 2 night a week on the same days but sometimes she will text if shes coming earlier than planned or something like that.

I get what she is saying but surely everyone needs a routine so we know what is happening and how to plan things.

I should also point out that her mum also expects her to communicate what time she is due back and whether her stay is extended here.

Just wondered what other people's thoughts are. Are there any step parents here who don't have a fixed schedule and allow a bit more leway? How does it work for everyone?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

EasynowPatrick · 04/09/2020 13:57

At 16 should be able to come and go as she pleases. Sending a text so you know when she is coming rather than asking permission.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 04/09/2020 13:59

That’s what 16yo children do, come and go. She’s not a guest she’s your husbands daughter.

doodleygirl · 04/09/2020 14:02

I have 2 DSC who are now grown up. Since they were about 12 they had their own keys and could come and go as they pleased. We only lived about 20 minutes away from their mum so it worked well. We lived near some of their friends and I would often come home from work and have a houseful. This also included my DD as well.
I really miss those tones

Is there a particular reason she can’t come and go as she wants. I agree it is or should be her home as well.

doodleygirl · 04/09/2020 14:02

Times not tones!

Sunshineandsparkle · 04/09/2020 14:04

At that age, she should be able to come and go. By all means text to give you the heads up, but she shouldn’t need to ask permission. Her dads should feel like her home too. A lot would depend on your relationship with her though.

I do understand from your perspective if there aren’t any other children in the house and you’ve planned a quiet night in with dh. I think you should sit her down and let her know that she is of course always welcome, but if she wants to be able to come and go as she pleases, she needs to understand that you won’t be changing your plans last minute. If you had planned to go out then you still will and she can have something from the freezer for dinner and just chill at home.

BinkyandBunty · 04/09/2020 14:04

I agree that the text should be a courtesy, to check you're not away, etc and so you can prepare if needed.

It's interesting the way you've phrased the title of your post. In your family unit she's not only a step daughter, she's a daughter.

backinthebox · 04/09/2020 14:05

A child should not have to arrange times to be at their parent’s house. She should be able to come and go as she pleases. She didn’t ask for her family to become so complicated. Any suggestions that she should make appointments suggest a complete lack of empathy on your behalf.

Giespeace · 04/09/2020 14:05

While not being locked in to a rigid schedule at that age, I’d want to know if my son was going to be home or not. How many of us got the “this isn’t a hotel I’m running” speech as kids? Not sure why it’s different in the case of a child living between two homes?
If my DSD just popped up whenever she felt like it, we’d never know where we were in terms of the food shop, laundry priorities, whether we could make other plans etc.

zafferana · 04/09/2020 14:07

I think when DC get to 16 it's time to give them a bit more flexibility. My siblings and I revolted against the EOW system when I was 14. We'd all had enough of having to abide by a rigid system that didn't take into account the complexities of teen life and events at weekends. Talk to her. Ask her what she would like to happen, then tell her what you see as reasonable. For instance, if you don't want her pitching up at your house with no warning, say that if she wants to stay over on different nights you need X amount of warning. Or perhaps she'd rather come round for dinner that evening and then go and sleep back at her mum's, or come over for a walk on a Sunday afternoon than spend the whole weekend with you if she has a party she wants to go to on the Saturday. She's growing up - you need to recognise that and be flexible.

combatbarbie · 04/09/2020 14:08

I think the key question here is, does she have her own room?

There's a difference between her coming and going if she has her own room rather than sharing with a sibling where sleepovers etc may be planned.

NavyBerry · 04/09/2020 14:09

I'd still want a text saying she is on her way. Just not to get into an embarrassing situation of being naked after shower or being in the process of a spontaneous sex in the kitchen (while other children are 100% elsewhere). When I was 16 my parents used to know when to expect me

Magda72 · 04/09/2020 14:09

Op - I totally get where you're coming from & I personally don't think she should just be able to come and go as she pleases - in either house. It's not fair on everyone else as it is hard to organise things.
As mine have gotten older we've maintained their routine with their dad but both he & I make space to allow a change of days/plans - we just ask the kids to run it by us & give us a bit of notice.
Exdh works outside of the home so his dw can't be expected to have her daily routine upended by my kids just because they feel like it in the moment.

PurBal · 04/09/2020 14:12

Doesn't she have a key? She could just let herself in if she's arriving earlier than planned. It's her home, a text for courtesy so you know whether to get dinner or not? Sure. But I would expect her to turn up when she wants.

PamDemic · 04/09/2020 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lazt · 04/09/2020 14:17

Goodness if I were to split with Dh I would hate for my kids to feel as if each residence weren’t their own and they had to make appointments to visit.

How can someone be so callous?! It’s her home, even if’s not her only home. If you don’t consider it so then something’s gone very wrong.

Have to say this is my first post on mn where I’ve been so blunt, but I’m genuinely astonished.

CultOfWax · 04/09/2020 14:17

We aren't a blended family but everyone in our home let's each other know of our plans, whether we will all be in for dinner, late home, whether DS is staying out, etc, it's basic courtesy.

steppemum · 04/09/2020 14:19

I think she should be able to come and go, but if you are not expecting her, then a text to say she is coming is courtesy. Apart from anything else, she could go missing and neither you nor mum knew she was missing, so she needs ot text both, and then you both know where she is.
I think if you phrased it as - just text to say you are coming over, so I am not wandering round naked, or you interrupt us in the middle of sex, she will very quickly realise it is a good idea!

MyGodImSoYoung · 04/09/2020 14:20

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I don't think any children, step or otherwise, should just be turning up out of the blue or disappearing out without warning.

I want my DSC to feel at home with us, but if they turned up without warning then we probably wouldn't have food in the house for them (we eat veggie when they aren't with us, and one is gluten free), and I would feel disinclined to entertain and chat with them in the way I usually do. I have plans for the times they are at their DM's houses (chores, etc.).

Yes, if they lived with us full time then, of course, these things would have to be fitted in with them there. But they don't live with us full time.

frazzledasarock · 04/09/2020 14:20

Not being a step mum. But my kids will text me to let me know if they’re going to be joining us for family meals when usually they don’t or if they’re bringing friends over who’ll be eating with us.

That’s so there’s food for everyone.

Otherwise they come and go as they please.

What would inconvenience you if your partners daughter came and went as she pleased?

Westfacing · 04/09/2020 14:24

As her mother is on board with this I'd say it's reasonable for her to text ahead if there's a change of usual routine whichever home she is going to.

It's also a safety issue so both parents know where she is.

DeRigueurMortis · 04/09/2020 14:28

At that age we pretty much had an "open door" policy with DSD.

She had her own key so could let herself in.

We did ask however that she'd text to let us know she was coming (which she did), not because we'd say no (we weren't asking her to text for permission to come) rather just practicalities so we could let her know if we weren't in the house (not a problem she was old enough to be home alone, just not to expect us to be there) and meal planning (but tbh I generally batch cook and made sure I always had a few meals she liked like homemade lasagna for example in the freezer that I could pop in the oven, it might mean on occasion she ate a different meal to us but that was fine - she was fed and had food she enjoyed).

So I don't think you're U to ask her to text as long as you're making clear that's she's always welcome, rather it's just to communicate so you know to expect her as you might want to change plans or do something different for dinner etc.

The reality is that it is her home and she should always be welcome but in the same vein if she lived with you full time you'd expect her to communicate if she was staying at a friends house for dinner or going out for the afternoon and wouldn't need lunch etc, in the same way you'd communicate if you were going out for the evening.

In that context asking for a text is perfectly reasonable.

aSofaNearYou · 04/09/2020 14:32

I think people tend to be too emotive on this subject by viewing it as a reflection of what is and isn't a person's home.

Yes it's her home, but if for whatever reason I was sometimes away from my home for whole days and sometimes present, then I would let the people I live with know when I was coming or going. It wouldn't be a sign it wasn't my home, it's just natural in the absence of there being a safe assumption I would be there every day. That's not to say it should be a massive deal if she forgets to let you know and shows up, but no, she shouldn't view being expected to let you know as a sign it isn't her home.

Also, she isn't an adult, so unless she is totally self sufficient when she is there, so doesn't need anyone to be there or do anything for her, then yes she needs to let you know, because you could have plans or be out.

Isthisnothing · 04/09/2020 14:34

It sounds as if you do give her leeway though, is that right? She has certain days and can come earlier in the week whenever she wants but needs to send a text to let you know.

Is she objecting to the text? It's common courtesy. If she was living in one house she would have to let you know if she was staying overnight with a friend, it's kinda the same but in reverse.

Having said that we had the same battle with my 16 yo DSD and I think I may have made a mistake. Maybe I should have taken a choose your battles attitude as things went appallingly sour over time.

She too kept arguing that it was her home and why should she give notice. She was in boarding school at the time and wasn't supposed to be leaving midweek but could with a parent's permission. She wasn't allowed to arrive at her mother's house, midweek, ever. Her dad was fine about it as he was always keen to see her but he wanted her to at least try to let him know what days he was seeing her during the week. The reasoning was - I do some work in the evenings with clients at home and he often goes out to play tennis those nights. The TV can be heard in the room I take clients. So it was easier for us to know when she was coming so we could arrange around that. Also, she needed plenty of lifts to and from the train station, to training, to her mum's.

I stuck to my guns on it thinking I was doing the right thing to continue to ask her to let him know at the beginning of the week as much as possible but it became a power struggle. His reply was always "yes of course but in future can you let us know so we can plan our week." Finally, we said no and stuck to no that she couldn't come that same day as he was out and I had three clients and it just did not suit.

It sounded reasonable to us but what she heard was that I was in charge now and she was no longer welcome.

So I would tread very carefully because really I don't think I handled it correctly. I wish I had just said "come and go as you please but if I've clients you can't switch on the TV and if your dad is out you might end up bored."

SinisterBumFacedCat · 04/09/2020 14:37

Yes, it’s her home too. Surely you and DH also come and go as you please?

funinthesun19 · 04/09/2020 14:38

I think that if a child has two homes, then they should at least let each parent know they are going to either house or leaving to go to the other one.

I think that’s just basic common sense. At 16, it’s still good to know where the child is going to be.

But they also shouldn’t pull their face if the parent is busy or if the whole house is being redecorated or something.

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