Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

*Today 11:27 differentnameforthis

Giespeace
@differentnameforthis
“Playing happy families”? “Shacking up”?
That’s a shit response to a 10 year relationship and an 8 year marriage that has produced two children to be honest.
Bet the ex tells herself that they are just shacking up and she has the right to stick her oar in because she had a child with him first.
Oh come on... Just because you don't like the terminology, doesn't mean it's wrong.*

It does show a toxic lack of respect for any relationship that happens post children so I’d say it is wrong.
My DSD was a mistake then, with a silly girl my DH was a silly enough boy to knock up before he met me, his wife, mother of his 2 other children, who he’s been with far longer than he was ever with DSDs mum.
If we are just shacking up then DSD was a mistake. Just because you won’t like the terminology it doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

Anyway, not to derail the thread, but I do really think this attitude is likely a factor driving a lot of the behaviours here.

What exactly did the daughter say 3 years ago that could possibly have caused you to lose your children or your job? Maybe a bit of introspection might help. You portray yourself as the put upon innocent victim and the child as the wicked step daughter. Is it possible that the truth and reality are somewhere in the middle?I

We ,who are only hearing your version of events, are sympathetic, but your in laws and extended family members who have had the opportunity to observe firsthand your long term interactions and relationship with your SD seem to have found enough credibility in her statement to be willing to sever their relationship with you. Is is at all possible that they had viewed enough mutually generated smoke in that relationship to be willing to think that a fire was coming? Something must have caused all of them to believe that you could have said or done what the girl stated.

Sometimes what we say and what children hear can be very different. Many, many, parents and teachers have had that experience.

You are not really going to lose much of the girl does not going to come to stay with her father. The daughter may in this process lose her father and he may be forever estranged from his child. In the end ,he may end up resenting you. You see the daughter as having the potential to ruin your career. Over time, he may very well come to view you as the cause of his estrangement from his daughter. Any decent parent grieves the loss of a child regardless of how many other children they may have.

You say that he is dad and father to 5, but at the moment you want him to make him act like the father to 4 and the sperm donor to 1. Which of your minor children would you refuse to house because of a lie that they told 3 years ago or because they were angry or difficult? The child that you are carrying may very well be challenging and difficult ; if he or she tells a lie or becomes filled with adolescent angst, will he or she need to find another home?

I say all of this to play devil's advocate. I realize that you are pregnant with your 4th child, but pregnancy is not an illness. Fortunately, bringing a new child into your home is something both you and your children have experienced multiple time now. The arrival of a new wee one should no longer be a novel experience for any of you.

Whatever the decision is about your step daughter, you and your husband should seek counseling . The choice that he has to make will reverberate throughout the remainder of your relationship and his life.

May the angels of wisdom guide you all in this most difficult process.

I agree OP. Protect your own DD now like your husband should have done with his.

The fact he has failed to parent his child doesn't mean you should sacrifice yours.

If my DD felt so strongly against her staying and sharing her room etc... I would say absolutely not. It is not fair on your daughter and I'd leave the relationship before anyone forced me to disregard my own child's feelings on the subject.

You could end up losing your own children if you're not careful here.

Of course she can't come to live with you after the accusations. You would be running a big risk.

Her mother caused a lot of it, let her deal with it.

Please don't make your daughter share her bedroom with someone she doesn't like and who doesn't like her, she deserves better than that.
If this is going to happen you need a bigger house

Of course you can't close it all down to her forever. And I don't think you want to, you wsnt to do the right thing, and it would be normal for her to stay EOW and a night in the week even if she doesn't move in full time. She needs her father and to see how things work away from her incredibly destructive mother. But first you need

• a bigger house so she can have a room
• time to settle with your newborn
• respect from SD and ex
• to keep your 4 other children safe and happy
• DH on your side and him doing the lions share of the looking after (since she's coming for him anyway)
• some acknowledgement and resolution of past problems
• to be able to lay down ground rules without being undermined

It's really not that hard to understand for any of them surely? That's just basic stuff, and once it's in place then of course you can bring her into the home part time and if she wants full time.

But they all, including your DH seem intent on making the life of you and the other children a misery. No respect, no authority, no admitting anyone did anything wrong, and you have to give up so much just to have literally no appreciation and watch your other children be hurt.

No I'm sorry that's not fair. They are just taking the piss and they know it. They see you as a weak, passive scapegoat who will burst into tears snd who can be bullied. As a mum you need to be strong and set a good example. You need to protect what you have and you need to put your foot down and not expect DH to do it for you,

He probably feels (rightly) guilty as hell, is minimising the impact on you, and is reluctant to add extra hassle to his life. And really, really wants his ex to stop messaging him.

She's relentless. A totally bully. And he's throwing you under the bus. No. Just no.

In your shoes I'd suggest that your dh speaks directly to family services and they might be able to help arrange mediation and help etc.

She is a product of her environment. My dd is adopted and has attachement disorder due to having changes early in life and a change in family circumstances. This manifests itself as attention seeking, that can be lies, stealing, violence, general bad behaviour to gain attention. She also lacks empathy, it's because she's so full of shame she has no room for anything else. She thinks, I'm not worth it, therefore will just be bad, and what people expect me to be. Councilling will hopefully help but it's a very long and difficult road. Love simply isn't enough. Your dh needs to understand that love won't 'fix' her. She won't apologise because she has no empathy, acting out and poor behaviour gives her what she wants. You're right, the timing is no accident. She needs professional help, family services maybe able to help.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Something has just struck me OP.

SD and ex do not want you. They do not want you in your DHs life and they do not want you in SDs life. They want you gone. Out. The ex because then he becomes easier to manipulate and control and he will have more time for his D. And the D for reasons as old as time. She wants daddy to herself. She doesn't want to share him with you, and other children. She sees your children living there and thinks fuck that it should be me. She doesnt want attention or love from you, you are nothing to her, she wants it from her daddy. She wants to live with her daddy. Not you.

Think for a moment about what that really means.

What it really means is that you are there as the convenience. The housework person. The meals person. To be tolerated but like a Servant you are not part of the family. To her your children are potential teens to hang out with. Not family.

So it's up to you how you feel about that, but all of this 'she hates me' by step daughter is classic deflection. She knows how she feels about you and assumes you know how she feels. She thinks you hate her because she IS the enemy. To you. Not to daddy.

Wow... that is interesting and i hasn’t really thought if it in that way but it makes sense. I read an article the other day about how I was basically doomed from the start and that it wouldn’t have mattered how loving or kind I was to her that she would always see me as someone that took away her dad from her and also that the loyalty to mum and whatever she said would always be the case. It’s sad but maybe this is the truth and always will be no matter what I do.

@RandomMess

I really think you need to insist on family therapy - that it is a condition of DD moving back in.

A safe environment for her lies about abuse to be aired and for you to have a supportive voice...

I would be asking DH how can he be with DSD when she is home 24/7 to ensure that she doesn't tell monstrous lies again? What if she accuses him of inappropriate sexual behaviour, what if she does something else to deliberate hurt her younger half siblings?

I think you need to turn it around and ask him how he can make it work on a practical daily level?

I think your right about therapy. And no it’s not practical or possible to divide my household up so no one is alone with her. Things need to change before this point. I see that... it’s just gonna be saying it to everyone isn’t gonna go well...

@DeRigueurMortis

One thing OP.

I've been reading back on the thread and you've given loads of examples of DSD's behaviour but in multiple posts and there isn't really a "timeline".

When you pull this together (as I've attempted to below but please correct me if I'm wrong) it shows this issue has been many, many years in the making.

I think there is a lot of focus on the falling out 3 years ago but there's so much more than that I think some people reading the thread haven't picked up on.

The reason for saying this is that based on the full timeline I'd argue that DSD is more dangerous to you and your family than she was 3 years ago because she's still lying and being emotionally manipulative and has had that time to reinforce that she can get away with it.

---

• 6 years ago when your son was born DSD created a "crisis" to ensure she, rather than her half sibling was the centre of attention - not just a one off for the day but sustained over the early months of his life. Consequences for DSD = none.

• Two years later at his second birthday party there was another "crisis" ensuring DSD was centre stage. Consequences for DSD = none.

• 18 months prior to DSD accusing you of emotional abuse you already felt the need to never be alone with her because of the lies she told about you. Consequences for DSD = none.

• 3 years ago you are accused of emotional abuse (which your DH knows is false). Her mother backs her up and states she can no longer visit your home. This also results in DH's patents going NC with their son. Consequences for DSD = none.

• since then DH has met DSD regularly outside the home doing things she wants (shopping, cinema etc). She's never been taken to task nor reprimanded for prior behaviour in fact she got her fathers undivided attention and wallet. Consequences for DSD = none.

• During this time she sent abusive messages to her father. This happened many times. She accused her mother of sending these. When DH finally spoke to his ex she denied sending them. The messages continued. Consequences for DSD = none.

• a year ago she told an unspecified lie to her mother and SF that resulted in SF coming to your home and confronting your DH to threaten he would never see DSD again. This nearly ended with a physical altercation. Consequences for DSD = none.

• recently she's started to tell your DH "tales"'about her mother and SF including that the latter made her sit in the sun for so long her skin blistered. There is zero evidence this happened. Consequences for DSD = none.

• when your DH tries to discuss these "tales" with his ex, DSD denies it and Ex accuses DH of lying and "shit stirring". Consequences for DSD = none.

• Out of the blue Ex demands she lives with you, the person who "abused" her daughter and she banned from seeing. It also transpires Ex sent her to stay with her grandparents (not clear of this is the NC GP's) but was sent home after 2 days as GP's couldn't cope with her behaviour. Consequences for DSD = none.

• DH has now been told my Ex that she is depressed and self harming yet thinks the right thing to do is to send her to a home she's alienated herself from for 3 years with those within it aside from her father understandably wary of her "return". DSD when told she should apologise for prior lies believes everyone should "get over it" and has also now taken to manipulating her father with sending vague messages indicating she's in harm/self harming and then refusing to contact to him leaving him worried and frantic. Consequences for DSD = none.

As I said this is years and years in the making where her parents have utterly failed her and will do so again if they enable her to get her own way again.

She's a kid and it's not her fault but she needs professional support not a change of scenery and parents who put aside their differences and actually communicate and get her the help she desperately needs rather than score points off each other and enable her lies.

Gosh. Thank you for taking the time to do this. .. I’m gobsmacked. When you put it down like that it’s quite a lot and to be honest there is so much more to add to this. This is just tip of the iceberg. I have used the word dangerous before and DH looked at me like I was mad. He doesn’t seem to get it.

[quote RandomMess]@DeRigueurMortis I agree with everything you have written.

OP I suggest you write out a fuller timeline to present to your H and ask him what could have possibly changed when nothing else has?[/quote]
This is such a good idea. I will do this. Thank you.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]**@Mummafee* This. This is what I am worried about. I don’t trust that things have changed. I have no real proof of this so far so I fear I’m setting myself up to stand in the firing line... taking the hit for something that isn’t my fault. Does that make sense?*

It does. Absolutely. I think that it's fair that you slow this down and say 'maybe, but we all need 6 months'. Lots to talk about and do. I think there has to be trust first.

It's not unreasonable. You want to do this well s and so it works. Not rush in too busy and unprepared.

You have been the scapegoat and I'm sorry but you are a person too. You deserve love and care. [/quote]
Thank you for your understanding. It’s really appreciated.
And yes I do want to try and sort this situation but it needs to be in the right way for the best outcome to be achieved. I just don’t have everyone on board with this at the moment.

I think letting a child back into the house full time with other siblings that she has basically rejected, whether step or not, for several years, is a toxic dynamic for your kids, let alone you.

Your children are not stupid and can see what has happened. They can see that their mother was accused of emotional abuse, and your SD insist that he sees her alone. They will know she dislikes you and dislikes them. If it happened over a few weeks, things could be forgiven and a decent harmony restored. Step kids do get stroppy and resentful. However running from one parent to the another for several months is a very toxic dynamic and one the parents should not have let happen.

This is ultimately her parents doing, he Mum and her Dad. Her Mum possibly revelled in it a bit, and your DH appeased her rather than standing firm. If he believed you had emotionally abused her he should not have stayed with you. If he didn’t believe it, he should have stood firm with his SD and say some things cross a line, that he loves her, but that he coudn’t just have contact outside the house.

That said, you would have thought that decent parents could probably just see a girl perhaps feeling ‘on her own’ and acting out, and just needing love from her Dad and maybe more attention.

I was in a similar position a while ago. I had a SD live with me for several years full-time, it was OK at first but really only if I was meek as a mouse. SD became more and more resentful and pretty mean to my children, which became exhausting as I had to intervene every time to make sure it didn’t turn into bullying of my kids who were younger. Having said that, there were no blazing arguments, just an ‘atmosphere’ from her to me and my kids. She ended up completely ignoring me and my children for many weeks and then one day I asked her to please stop. I said I’d had enough for being ignored and the least she could do was to acknowledge the other children respectfully. She reacted very badly, had a huge strop, and said she couldn’t live with me anymore and she was going to her Mums.

She totally ignored me all the time and refused to come to the house despite me asking quite a few times for her to come for dinner. DH of course took her out for meals, her Mum loved it and loads of horrible mean gossip went around the family, and still gets trotted out now as ‘fact’.

So when in 6 months time, apparently she wanted to move back in, I said NO. DH was really flattered that she wanted back. The reality was her Mum had got fed up of her, and didn’t her living there anymore. SD didn’t particularly want to come back but felt that if she did, I’d have been ‘silenced’ to never dare ask her to be civil again.

At that point, like you OP, I was quite prepared to split up from DH. SD was also 19 years old by then. I had my family to protect and my own mental wellbeing. It really had come to that. I was deeply sad that she had nothing but resentment for me and my children, after we’d tried so hard. However the experience had hardened me as I knew it was just inviting more manipulation into my life and at that point I had a severe SN child who I just had to prioritise. So I told DH I totally respected that he would want to live with his daughter again but that I had a line and I would not cross it again. Not without a lot of frank talking. I might have even been prepared to go to family counseling for 6 months and then see if she moved back in, after we’d sorted out some issues, but of course this was rejected.

Best decision I made for a long time. SD and her Mum were forced to have more of a relationship where the Mum didn’t just fob her off, and SD had to amend some of her harsher ways in order for her Mum to accept her living there. Her Mum doesn’t stand for crap! And in a way it was really the best thing for everyone.

@DeRigueurMortis

OP what's your DH's take on the situation right now?

It sounds like you've already voiced some concerns, what's his response, especially regarding his ex's text that you "must" have her next week?

I spoke to him today and said I wasn’t able to do what they are asking. That it isn’t fair on my DCs or me right now with my MH and also I am due our baby in 5 weeks. He said he was obviously sad as he just wants to help his DD and also wants to jump at the chance of her being in our family again... but he understood the timing is bad and that the situation isn’t that simple. I also think he realises how fragile I am right now. He did say that he knows me and knows that I’m a good person and when I feel I can I will. He has said that there is no pressure and when I’m ready we will see her on our own and it will be gradual... he reassured me he won’t be bringing her here with her bags unexpectedly and expect us all to deal with it. It was quite reassuring to hear him consider all of us... but I’m still a little wary if he stands by this. Given a few weeks he may have lost his patience waiting... especially if he is getting more and more pressure from the ex and dd.

Ok well I think you put it in an email to them. Tell dh first (note tell not ask). Just say I have thought about this long and hard and while I'm willing to consider it it can't be for at least 6 months Because I have a new baby. We also need to either move or extend the house as we would want her to have her own room not have to share.

I would also need both her and you to agree to my house rules as they are intrinsic to keeping things running smoothly. If she is unable to do this she will need to come back to you.

We would also need to discuss the previous untruths (probably don't use the word lies) as it's important to me that she acknowledge the harm her accusations have caused. I am willing to move past them but I am not willing to simply let it go without discussion.

It might be useful to consider family therapy for her as she is clearly struggling.

So we can work towards her coming to us from March on, either full time or part time, assuming that she is willing and able to fit in with the household.

Yours etc
Mummafee

The shit will hit the fan big time. But you will not respond to further emails or allow them to contact you, you will tell your h that this is your final decision and please respect your wishes. You don't want to discuss it further, you are the one at home and you're the one that will end up doing most of it.

Furthermore with a new baby your h should be looking after you!!!! He should be helping out in every way possible not joining the chorus of 'why can't the dysfunctional daughter come and live here right now'

What is wrong with him????

And yes. She hates you, the ex hates you. That will never change. Ever. You took daddy and are stopping her from being with him. You are stopping the ex from getting what she wants from him.

I've seen posts of here from people whose step children lived with them hating them for years. It doesn't change though sometimes they grow out of it in their 30s/late 20s. They pretty much never become ok if the biological parents don't both step in. It's hell on Earth. You need to stick up for yourself and get tough. You have 4 children that need you.

@Enough4me

This isn't her decision to make, it's your DH, yours and your DC. The majority are saying no, that means no.

He'll have to meet her outside the house and if she apologises and stops lying you and your DC can consider whether you change your minds.

Yes I know. I find it bizarre that she thinks she still thinks she can dictate to us after everything that’s happened. And that my DCs are not even considered. It’s almost like she thinks we should all be grateful for this...

@Tiredoftattler and others. The thing is, either people on this thread believe that:

• OP did in fact emotionally abuse her SD and is no good for her. = NOT a good idea for SD to move back in.

OR

• OP did not abuse her SD, and SD has been let tell a serious lie for many years and only now wants to because her and her Mum now have unresolved fall outs = NOT a good idea for SD to move back in.

Both point to it not being a good idea for SD to move back in.

Crossed posts. That's great. Keep reiterating what needs to happen. Set expectations of 6 months. Talk about the logistics (where would she go - not with the girl she accused of stealing for sure).

This is your life, your family, your house. He's not going to be able to stop working to look after her.

Just keep talking about your conditions. It's 'yes we can do this., but (not yet, need to extend, house rules to be followed, needs to acknowledge)

And he MUST not let his fucking bitch of an ex carry on like this!!!'n

@Greyblueeyes

*Greyblueeyes Agreed *@Vodkacranberryplease**. If you focus on the lie, you will be labeled as petty and mean to the SD.

You focus on logistics when discussing this with your husband. How the hell will this work? She hates you, your kids don't want to be around her, she's jealous of your joint kids, she has no boundaries, etc. How will you all live together when your kids can't be alone with her? What about when he is at work? How are you supposed to help parent her when she hates you and has no respect for you? How is this going to work with a new baby? What if she lies again and social services get involved or you lose your job? What will we do when she is upset that my teens don't want to be around her because of her past behavior? How is she supposed to integrate back into the family after 3 years of no contact? What role will ex wife be playing in the decision making of day to day life for SD? How will SD get to school and other activities?

Focus on the logistics, OP. Show him how damn impossible this really is. I know you are hurt about the lie, and I would be too. But don't focus on that when discussing this with your husband. Instead, make him give you concrete answers about how the hell he plans to make this work. This is his daughter, and his responsibility. *
*
Thank you so much for this... now can I please put an ear piece in and you say this to me when I put this to him?!*

Yes, I will! I'm a stepmom too. You've been asked to do an impossible task. I'm am here to support you through this 100%.

Write down a list of questions. And ask him to answer them.

Thank you so much. I’m going to write down an essay for logistics along with the timeline to back up why I’m concerned and what needs to change. It’s gonna be a long essay! I’ve never felt as supported or held as I have in this situation as I have on here the last few days. It’s been so enlightening and empowering for me.

That's good to hear OP and a positive first step from your DH.

Obviously we don't know if/how long he'll hold this line but I actually wouldn't underestimate (given many years of capitulation to Ex and DSD) how big a step forward this is.

From what you've posted it's the first time he's actually said "no" and resisted the demands for her to move in "now".

Hopefully he will take on board the need for family therapy and a controlled re-introduction to the family.

That assumes DSD doesn't change her mind of course. You've yet to see how she will respond to this and cutting contact may be her response which he can't give into.

The other thought is she may change her tune anyway when she's back a school with friends.

Good luck

@Rainbowqueeen

Op I feel like you know what you need to do but you keep talking about your backbone. Is that what you need from this thread now, some help with expressing your needs and those of your children I think the idea of writing things down would really help you. I’d do 2 lists. One of all the points that you want to raise with your DH I’d include in that the fact that if he persists with this and ignores what is in the best interests of all his children, his wife and her children. He needs to be on your side I’d also ask how he thinks this will help his DD. Then do a list for yourself reminding you why you are doing this. Your children deserve a happy stable life. So do you. So does your DSD. But this is not the solution. And I definitely think she needs professional help.

Good luck

Hi there, This is sound advice, thank you. I will be writing some lists up. It’s all got so blurred in my head and I’m struggling to get the words out to my DH in a way that makes it clear. Thank you. I have fear and I hate confrontation. I am also not very good and standing up for myself... but you know what.. I can do it for my DCs so I will write a list like you suggest about why I am doing this and hopefully that will help me to stay firm. And yes this thread has helped me so so much. I only wish I had done this sooner.

@mybonesache

If she has always got away with things then no I wouldn't allow her back. My SD was never made to apologise for things she did to my DC or me. She's 30 now and an even bigger pain in the arse. Stand your ground for your DC.

Hi there. Gosh thank you for sharing your story and sorry to hear that at age 30 your still having problems. Thank you for your advice too.

And yes this thread has helped me so so much. I only wish I had done this sooner.

Well we are not going anywhere OP and there are many of us rooting for you!

You've been put in an awful situation with spectacularly shitty timing.

Yet you're a good person who wants to do the right thing.

The problem is that sometimes there isn't a solution that's going to make everyone happy and in your case what's been proposed will make most people very unhappy.

Saying no to your DH and DSD doesn't make you a bad or uncaring person. We all need to recognise what our limits are and weigh up the consequences of our decisions on others. I think you just needed to hear that from people outside the family to reassure you that your instincts are correct.

@Mummafee I’ve never felt as supported or held as I have in this situation as I have on here the last few days. It’s been so enlightening and empowering for me.

That's actually really sad. Youve been through so much and to have well behaved teens as part of a broken home and a good working relationship with your ex and his partner you are clearly an amazing mum and person. You really deserve better than this toxic woman and a weak DH. No wonder your MH has been damaged.

It's not your fault that the SD hates you, lies, is dangerous and a massive liability. Expecting you to just prostrate yourself in front of them and see your family and MH destroyed on the whims of a mother that won't parent properly is awful.

I think you need to communicate in writing directly to his ex what you are and aren't willing to tolerate and when. In a calm, factual way, making it clear YOU have rights. Let her scream and shout - you don't need to accept calls from her or get texts. But it might put a stop to her constant badgering.

I think the idea of the OP emailing the Ex is a really bad idea in all honesty.

She's someone who thrives on drama and this is providing her with a juicy new script that she'll dine out on for quite some time.

She'll also share it with DSD who I'll bet (unless there's some significant professional intervention) will wave print outs of it at her GP's and Father for years to come as "proof" that the OP is the root cause behind any issues with her relationship with her father.

The OP's DH needs to learn to stand up to his Ex and DD. If he won't do that there's nothing the OP can write that would change that fundamental issue anyway and in fact it undermines him in the sense that it could appear these are not his choices but he's controlled by the "nasty" wife.

The OP's efforts are much better spent on making clear her reasoning to her husband with timelines/logistical issues and lists of impact on herself and the other children in the house that she can reference when she needs to.