Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

What a horrible situation to be in.

Ultimately whilst you may love your DH and he is the father of your youngest and your child to be as well as your SD, you have an equal responsibility to all YOUR children and that must be your over riding priority.
Let that guide you and strengthen your resolve.

She has made allegations of abuse towards you. She has never retracted them and they still therefore stand as accusations. That is not to be glossed over. Do not allow her mum and your Dh to do that for their own convenience.

Further accusations could involve SS and lead to difficulties for you in parenting your own children. That cannot be risked.

You won’t solve things with her in a short space of time if she moves back in even were she willing (which she isn’t).

The risk of a bad outcome is very high and that would impact everyone including SD.

So I would say that. Bottom line. No

Right now time is not on your side as you have a new baby on the way who deserves a calm happy house and a mum who Is mentally well and can focus on bonding and ensuring her other kids are able to adjust.

You have neither the space nor the emotional energy to allow back in someone who still has an accusation of abuse held against you and could stir up enormous trouble very easily.

Personally I’d suggest your DH moves out and he can see all his children separately.

This may end your marriage or it may not.
I feel sympathy to your DH as he naturally
loves his eldest DD but he needs to consider all his children and he isn’t doing. He is allowing his guilt and poor parenting to continue to dictate everyone else’s lives.

Your SD will be an indulged unhappy adult if someone doesn’t put the work in enforcing boundaries and rules.

What a sad outcome but I don’t see you have a choice

You cannot let her come and live with you at the present time and as things stand.

[quote differentnameforthis]@AlternativePerspective accusing someone of being an emotional abuser, having their husband’s family completely cut that person off as a result is a pretty serious lie and one which she needs to take responsibility for. You can’t just expect to tell lies like that and then go through life with people making excuses and never holding you to account. She is almost an adult now, at what point should she have to take responsibility for accusing the OP of being an abuser?

Wait.... that is a HELL of a lot of responsibility to put on the shoulders of a 15yr old, who was under 5 when her parents split and her father started playing happy families with another woman and her kids...

The 12yr old DID NOT cut op out, her mother and her father did that. The 12 didn't make up a "pretty serious lie" or accuse the op of emotional abuse, the mother did. Perhaps she went home and said "Mummafee told me off/shouted at me" and the mother, who op admits likes drama, thought up the whole EA perspective in order to get back op & her partner?

There is (as always when kids are involved, I find) some pretty shit responses to a child whose father left and shacked up with another woman and her family before she was even old enough to understand what was happening.

Has her father even spoken to her about the incident? Tried to clear up what happened, no.

And now the kid is 15, and no one wants her, and what more, she will know that! Sounds like they never real did to be honest and people certainly did not try to understand how the events in her life would affect her, did they?

They just shipped her around for their own convenience and used her a pawn in their games.[/quote]
Hi there.
I just thought I should clear few things up...
my SD was 10 months when her parents split. Her SD has been with mum since she was about 18 months or so.
When I got with DH we had DD 50% of the time and she always had alone time with her dad too. She had her own room and was very much an equal with my DC in our household...

In regards to the incident it was my SD that used the term EA and then her mother. Her mother said she isn’t coming to our house anymore and when my DH spoke to his DD she said she didn’t want to come to our house anymore and just wanted to spend time with her dad.... and that is what we have done for 3 years...
he has tried to talk to her about the lies but like I said in previous post she just goes quiet and changes the subject.
It’s only now as she’s not getting on with her mum or SD and mum can’t cope with her behaviour that she has changed her mind.

And I’m sorry but my older DCs have also had their parents separate and their dad ‘shack up’ with a new woman and then had their mum ‘shack up’ with a new person too but they are not behaving or responding like this.

But I do have lots of empathy for my SD. She is just a kid and her mother is horrible.. her dad hasn’t parented her and she has been let down.
But she has lied about me and my DC more times than I can count over the years and it isn’t fair on us regardless of why she is doing it.

@RandomMess

So if (when) it goes tits up and your teens vote with their feet to live full time with their Dad and only visit when DSD is at her Mums how is that going to be?

Your DH will expect you to choose his Ex demands and DSD over your own DC. At what point would you be asking your DH to move out and take DSD with him?

I WONT let that happen. My DC are my world and they stay with me and if my DH puts us in that position then he would have to go.

[quote Vodkacranberryplease]**@RandomMess* So if (when) it goes tits up and your teens vote with their feet to live full time with their Dad and only visit when DSD is at her Mums how is that going to be?*

This crossed my mind too. He is expecting your DD to share a room with the girl who has lied about her and stolen from her. She is 'distraught' at the thought of losing her safe space to the girl. I don't know how you can even think about letting that happen and he is being a prick for even asking. Your poor D has done nothing wrong and her life will be destroyed.

Tell him you need to move to a bigger house before you can accommodate her.

His ex is running the show. Screaming and shouting and acting like you have no say in your own house and family. She can demand he step up but how fucking dare she demand you destroy your own family and peace of mind? And how dare he give it consideration.

She's not even going to do a family meeting because she has zero respect for you. You don't matter. You are just the slave expected to do as she's told. Your dh seems to see you that way too, and you are expected to parent without having any authority and invite two people into your life and that of your children without having a say.

You can't even enforce your own family rules on this girl!

But it's very clear. Your house your rules. Why don't you write a list of the rules and expectations and say to them all (Especially the SD) that if she comes these are the rules. She will be expected to abide by them and I will not have her if not. I'm pretty sure little miss spoilt will take one look at them and say no way.

But then I think it's the ex driving this not the girl. She's raised a nasty little bitch and now doesn't like who she's become. Well tough luck. You reap what you sew.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Stall this as long as poss and let them all know that the house has these rules. In the mean time tell your useless H to step up and tell him you need to move house or build an extension before the girl can come (Your baby will be a toddler soon do this needs to happen anyway) and that there needs to be a significant improvement in both the behaviour and attitude of ex and SD FIRST. That until Ex treats you properly you aren't even considering it snd until SD admits her part you arent either.

Rather than refuse outright you are saying yes BUT

• not straight away as WE have a new baby.
• not until we have an extension or have moved as there's no room
• not until SD agrees to follow all rules and admits to past behaviour because not admitting means nothing has changed.
• not until ex adjusts attitudes towards me and stops her vicious campaign of lies and abuse.
• not until you start standing up for me properly

I'd even be tempted to reword this list and send it to ex.

Say "I have thought about it and am happy to do it however these things need to happen FIRST.

• I need time to settle new baby (six months)
• we need to extend our home or move as there's no room currently
• SD needs to abide by house rules and responsibilities (list attached)
• I will not be undermined or lied about or abused. If I take SD in then I expect to be treated with respect by you and your H.
• SD needs to admit to all her behaviour including lying about my children and myself and stealing from DD.

Since DH is at work most of the responsibility and work falls to me. This is my house and I will not be a parent to your child without these conditions being met."

I think you need to stand up to this woman yourself. Quite firmly. She thinks you are weak, prove you are not.[/quote]
Thank you for your response. I think the ex has got so use to being in control and she’s always been quite bullying and your right she sees me as weak. It’s been 10years. It’s exhausting.
I saw a quote today “what you allow will continue” it made me think that they are not going to change so maybe it’s me that needs to... I just need some balls...

But no I can’t let her share with my DD. That’s what they have said can happen... again no concept or thought even crossing their minds that my DD might not want to share her room or even hang out with SD after everything.
My daughter is nearly 17 and has a boyfriend too. I already see her spending more and more time out of our home if I allowed it so no your right it’s just not going to work.

@Vodkacranberryplease

I'd even be tempted to reword the list of caveats and send it to ex.

Say "I have thought about it and am happy to do it however these things need to happen FIRST.

• I need time to settle new baby (six months)
• we need to extend our home or move as there's no room currently
• SD needs to abide by house rules and responsibilities (list attached)
• I will not be undermined or lied about or abused. If I take SD in then I expect to be treated with respect by you and your H.
• SD needs to admit to all her behaviour including lying about my children and myself and stealing from DD.

Since DH is at work most of the responsibility and work falls to me. This is my house and I will not be a parent to your child without these conditions being met."

I think you need to stand up to this woman yourself. Quite firmly. She thinks you are weak, prove you are not. She will get a shock and think how dare you step out of your box but quite frankly you do dare. This is YOUR life and that if your children.

It's not your DH giving up his days or evenings is it?

Anyway the SD will get back to school soon. They will see the list of behaviour needed plus apologies and she will think fuck that.

If she does move in eventually you make sure you are so strict with her she can't even move and make sure your DD is believed and supported. And had somewhere else safe to hang out and do homework/teen stuff. Also put locks on everything especially that of DD. Sharing a room with a thief is highly stressful.

And get a nanny cam for baby and 6 year old rooms. I don't trust her one bit with the little ones.

It’s all so stressful and I just want to focus on other things right now.. I feel incredibly selfish saying it but I don’t think I can deal with me and my DCs being that on eggshells In our own home. I think steps need to be put in place before she comes here. A letter to the ex maybe useful. I would like to be a fly on the wall when she gets that! I think what I realising is that I need to put in boundaries too with these adults not just SD. Thinking about how this effects my DCs is making me feel a bit lioness to be honest. They have been put 2nd, not considered and put up so much for as long as I can remember (in regards to SD, his parents and the ex) over the years... and until around the incident on my DS 2nd birthday I allowed it. Well no... they deserve their mums protection. I want to protect my SD too actually.. but I just don’t think I can really..

Oh god I just wanted to offer you my sympathy Your story is very similar to mine. My skids went to live with their mother full time back in January after a load of drama and lies. I'm also pregnant and tbh really worried about the time coming they fall out with their mother and want to come back here. You have every right to feel the way you do,

You aren't selfish at all, you are human.
You absolutely must put in boundaries with the adults in this situation you are right there.
Stick up for yourself and that includes to the ex too.
I hope things work out how you want them to OP.

@Tiredoftattler

What exactly did the daughter say 3 years ago that could possibly have caused you to lose your children or your job? Maybe a bit of introspection might help. You portray yourself as the put upon innocent victim and the child as the wicked step daughter. Is it possible that the truth and reality are somewhere in the middle?I

We ,who are only hearing your version of events, are sympathetic, but your in laws and extended family members who have had the opportunity to observe firsthand your long term interactions and relationship with your SD seem to have found enough credibility in her statement to be willing to sever their relationship with you. Is is at all possible that they had viewed enough mutually generated smoke in that relationship to be willing to think that a fire was coming? Something must have caused all of them to believe that you could have said or done what the girl stated.

Sometimes what we say and what children hear can be very different. Many, many, parents and teachers have had that experience.

You are not really going to lose much of the girl does not going to come to stay with her father. The daughter may in this process lose her father and he may be forever estranged from his child. In the end ,he may end up resenting you. You see the daughter as having the potential to ruin your career. Over time, he may very well come to view you as the cause of his estrangement from his daughter. Any decent parent grieves the loss of a child regardless of how many other children they may have.

You say that he is dad and father to 5, but at the moment you want him to make him act like the father to 4 and the sperm donor to 1. Which of your minor children would you refuse to house because of a lie that they told 3 years ago or because they were angry or difficult? The child that you are carrying may very well be challenging and difficult ; if he or she tells a lie or becomes filled with adolescent angst, will he or she need to find another home?

I say all of this to play devil's advocate. I realize that you are pregnant with your 4th child, but pregnancy is not an illness. Fortunately, bringing a new child into your home is something both you and your children have experienced multiple time now. The arrival of a new wee one should no longer be a novel experience for any of you.

Whatever the decision is about your step daughter, you and your husband should seek counseling . The choice that he has to make will reverberate throughout the remainder of your relationship and his life.

May the angels of wisdom guide you all in this most difficult process.

Hi. I have read through your post and thank you for your perspective. It’s very hard to deliver all the details of a 10 year relationship considering viewpoints of many individuals. I can only share my story and how I have experienced it and I am here looking for support and perspectives on what to do for the best possible outcome for ALL of us.

What I can tell you is I don’t think of my SD as a wicked SD. She is an adolescent who is sadly deeply troubled and needs help actually.

And I won’t allow my DH and his DD to not have a relationship. That is not an option and not something I have ever suggested. Just because I am unsure about the idea of her living with us right now (and this is only because of our history) It doesn’t mean I want their relationship severed... quite the opposite... I actually think he needs to build a more secure relationship with her.

And no pregnancy is not an illness but PND is.

@PeanutDear

I agree OP. Protect your own DD now like your husband should have done with his.

The fact he has failed to parent his child doesn't mean you should sacrifice yours.

If my DD felt so strongly against her staying and sharing her room etc... I would say absolutely not. It is not fair on your daughter and I'd leave the relationship before anyone forced me to disregard my own child's feelings on the subject.

You could end up losing your own children if you're not careful here.

I’m not going to let that happen. It was what was said to me and I hadn’t processed it... but no absolutely not. I’m not going to put them 2nd disregard their feelings. They don’t deserve it.

@FlySheMust

Of course she can't come to live with you after the accusations. You would be running a big risk.

Her mother caused a lot of it, let her deal with it.

Her mother takes zero responsibility. Says it’s all my DHs fault so he needs to deal with it.

@MotherofTerriers

Please don't make your daughter share her bedroom with someone she doesn't like and who doesn't like her, she deserves better than that. If this is going to happen you need a bigger house

She does. I’m not going to allow this to happen.

@SecretDoor

Can SD live with her devoted grandparents?

Apparently she went to stay with them but they sent her home after 2 days as the stress was making her ‘devoted nanny ill. That’s what SD said to DH.

especially if he is getting more and more pressure from the ex and dd.

I think that says a huge amount. Why the pressure? Why the urgency?

If you really did emotionally abuse SD, as SD and her Mum are STILL sticking to - why are they rushing the move back in with you? Her mother is obviously really pushing, she is the adult, SD is still a child. She’s pushing to get her own daughter out of her house, but YOU have to feel guilty for being understandably wary of letting her in?

Why isn’t your DH angry or upset with DDs Mum for basically trying to kick her out? ( We all know that it is because he feels flattered, but he’s totally ignoring the dynamic).

To be honest this reminds me a lot of my own situation. Suddenly out of the blue I went from being enemy number one, to my DSD wanting to move in ‘urgently’ and pressure from her Mum to DH.

The pressure is a huge red flag. It speaks of a mum and teenage daughter ordering the father about to suit them (read to suit Mum really I imagine). This is not parenting. This is not good parents doing the best by their daughter. It stinks really, it’s a disaster.

Don’t do it.

@Vodkacranberryplease

Of course you can't close it all down to her forever. And I don't think you want to, you wsnt to do the right thing, and it would be normal for her to stay EOW and a night in the week even if she doesn't move in full time. She needs her father and to see how things work away from her incredibly destructive mother. But first you need

• a bigger house so she can have a room
• time to settle with your newborn
• respect from SD and ex
• to keep your 4 other children safe and happy
• DH on your side and him doing the lions share of the looking after (since she's coming for him anyway)
• some acknowledgement and resolution of past problems
• to be able to lay down ground rules without being undermined

It's really not that hard to understand for any of them surely? That's just basic stuff, and once it's in place then of course you can bring her into the home part time and if she wants full time.

But they all, including your DH seem intent on making the life of you and the other children a misery. No respect, no authority, no admitting anyone did anything wrong, and you have to give up so much just to have literally no appreciation and watch your other children be hurt.

No I'm sorry that's not fair. They are just taking the piss and they know it. They see you as a weak, passive scapegoat who will burst into tears snd who can be bullied. As a mum you need to be strong and set a good example. You need to protect what you have and you need to put your foot down and not expect DH to do it for you,

He probably feels (rightly) guilty as hell, is minimising the impact on you, and is reluctant to add extra hassle to his life. And really, really wants his ex to stop messaging him.

She's relentless. A totally bully. And he's throwing you under the bus. No. Just no.

“It's really not that hard to understand for any of them surely?”

Ur... apparently it is!

OP the biggest deciding factor for me was my own children.

I realized, that me letting SD back would be letting a bully back in. My older DS told me that he was relieved that SD had moved out. Relieved my heart broke. I realized how horrible it must have been for him.

Putting my own children at the centre of my thinking made everything crystal clear. We need to protect our family life. It is not fair on the children to have such stress in the home. You’ve given your SD a fair go. I gave my SD 5 years of care and trying. My big wish was that we could have had harmony together, I welcomed my SD. But like some of the excellent posts here - some kids probably through ‘loyalty binds’ to their mother, and wanting Dad as their own, will never, ever accept you but also our kids. I put my kids through some really uncomfortable times in the home where they were ignored by another. That is horrible really. I will never, ever do that again. You shouldn’t either.

@LilyLongJohn

In your shoes I'd suggest that your dh speaks directly to family services and they might be able to help arrange mediation and help etc.

She is a product of her environment. My dd is adopted and has attachement disorder due to having changes early in life and a change in family circumstances. This manifests itself as attention seeking, that can be lies, stealing, violence, general bad behaviour to gain attention. She also lacks empathy, it's because she's so full of shame she has no room for anything else. She thinks, I'm not worth it, therefore will just be bad, and what people expect me to be. Councilling will hopefully help but it's a very long and difficult road. Love simply isn't enough. Your dh needs to understand that love won't 'fix' her. She won't apologise because she has no empathy, acting out and poor behaviour gives her what she wants. You're right, the timing is no accident. She needs professional help, family services maybe able to help.

Hi there. Thank you for commenting. I will suggest a call to family services. All the extra support the better. Also thank you for sharing your story. That must be hard. My SD obviously has similar traits. I have actually looked at attachment theory and have tried to understand why she is the way she is... and some of it I get.. I really do. I really wish it wasn’t like this.

@Mummafee Thinking about how this effects my DCs is making me feel a bit lioness to be honest. They have been put 2nd, not considered and put up so much for as long as I can remember (in regards to SD, his parents and the ex) over the years... and until around the incident on my DS 2nd birthday I allowed it. Well no... they deserve their mums protection.

Yes I can see this lioness coming out. It's a wonderful analogy. Have you ever seen a lioness? I have, up close. They are just incredible - so strong and powerful (huge too!). They don't put up with any shit from the male and are amazing mothers and fantastic hunters. They work as a team with each other as well.

Your children do not get to be fucked over by his psycho ex. The reason I suggested an email (and I might be wrong as a PP says) is that I think she needs to realise that YOU are strong. That YOU will fight for your children. Always putting your DH in the middle means he won't stand up to her properly and she doesn't ever get the message.

His ex has caused the problems, and she has raised this girl. Not you. And maybe she needs to hear it from you instead of just steamrollering over you and treating you like some kind of domestic servant or unpaid nanny.

They need to respect YOUR house, your children, your rules, your boundaries. If you are always hiding behind your husband that won't happen.

You do not need to watch your children being sidelined and victimised by her and their toxic family. If your DH hasn't got the balls to stick up for you then you will need to do it yourself. Maybe he might learn a bit from watching you?

And I don't know how feasible it is to extend or move (or build another room in the garden? My brother did this and it was quite easy great for your 17 year old!) but that has to happen before anything else. She is NOT sharing with a troubled 15 year old. And the ex can just fuck off. How dare she??

@DeRigueurMortis

Your post detailing all the incidents and lack of consequences was excellent 👌

@SandyY2K

😊 thank you

@IceCreamSummer20

I think letting a child back into the house full time with other siblings that she has basically rejected, whether step or not, for several years, is a toxic dynamic for your kids, let alone you.

Your children are not stupid and can see what has happened. They can see that their mother was accused of emotional abuse, and your SD insist that he sees her alone. They will know she dislikes you and dislikes them. If it happened over a few weeks, things could be forgiven and a decent harmony restored. Step kids do get stroppy and resentful. However running from one parent to the another for several months is a very toxic dynamic and one the parents should not have let happen.

This is ultimately her parents doing, he Mum and her Dad. Her Mum possibly revelled in it a bit, and your DH appeased her rather than standing firm. If he believed you had emotionally abused her he should not have stayed with you. If he didn’t believe it, he should have stood firm with his SD and say some things cross a line, that he loves her, but that he coudn’t just have contact outside the house.

That said, you would have thought that decent parents could probably just see a girl perhaps feeling ‘on her own’ and acting out, and just needing love from her Dad and maybe more attention.

I was in a similar position a while ago. I had a SD live with me for several years full-time, it was OK at first but really only if I was meek as a mouse. SD became more and more resentful and pretty mean to my children, which became exhausting as I had to intervene every time to make sure it didn’t turn into bullying of my kids who were younger. Having said that, there were no blazing arguments, just an ‘atmosphere’ from her to me and my kids. She ended up completely ignoring me and my children for many weeks and then one day I asked her to please stop. I said I’d had enough for being ignored and the least she could do was to acknowledge the other children respectfully. She reacted very badly, had a huge strop, and said she couldn’t live with me anymore and she was going to her Mums.

She totally ignored me all the time and refused to come to the house despite me asking quite a few times for her to come for dinner. DH of course took her out for meals, her Mum loved it and loads of horrible mean gossip went around the family, and still gets trotted out now as ‘fact’.

So when in 6 months time, apparently she wanted to move back in, I said NO. DH was really flattered that she wanted back. The reality was her Mum had got fed up of her, and didn’t her living there anymore. SD didn’t particularly want to come back but felt that if she did, I’d have been ‘silenced’ to never dare ask her to be civil again.

At that point, like you OP, I was quite prepared to split up from DH. SD was also 19 years old by then. I had my family to protect and my own mental wellbeing. It really had come to that. I was deeply sad that she had nothing but resentment for me and my children, after we’d tried so hard. However the experience had hardened me as I knew it was just inviting more manipulation into my life and at that point I had a severe SN child who I just had to prioritise. So I told DH I totally respected that he would want to live with his daughter again but that I had a line and I would not cross it again. Not without a lot of frank talking. I might have even been prepared to go to family counseling for 6 months and then see if she moved back in, after we’d sorted out some issues, but of course this was rejected.

Best decision I made for a long time. SD and her Mum were forced to have more of a relationship where the Mum didn’t just fob her off, and SD had to amend some of her harsher ways in order for her Mum to accept her living there. Her Mum doesn’t stand for crap! And in a way it was really the best thing for everyone.

Gosh. This. I am so sorry for what you’ve been through but at the same time your experience has helped me to feel I’m not alone. I don’t have many friends with step kids so don’t have someone who can truely identify with me. So thank you for taking the time to write this. It’s interesting that for me the lies and stuff started with my SD when I started not to be so meek around her and started calling her out on bad behaviour. I think me trying to put in boundaries and consequences was what she saw as abuse... as she doesn’t have anyone doing this elsewhere. I guess she thinks coming back I will be a pushover again (now she’s shown me what will happen if I ever try to parent her) and she can also see dad isn’t going to try and put in rules and consequences either as he will be too afraid she will leave again...

I'm just catching up on the thread. But yes, OP. We are here to support you, and I am so glad this this thread has helped you. I'm proud that you were able to address this with your husband; that's a huge step!

So you hold him to it. He and ex need to come up with the plans to get their daughter some help and make this work.

You are doing great making your voice heard. And you are making sure to take care of yourself and your kids. You're a great mom.

Confrontation can be hard. And with step kids, it can be so emotionally charged. Add in a pregnancy and the stepdaughter's past behavior, and wow! It's a whole lot to deal with right before birth.

You are doing so well. And we are here to support you.

Oh, and let me add: you are NOT selfish for wanting your children to live in a comfortable home without having to walk on eggshells all the time.

You are being a good mother by insisting that your home remains safe, calm, and comfortable for your kids.

Don't let anyone tell you different.

Just to at that add well as considering your kids here and now... these situations can have a long term impact on your kids.... they will see you as the one who didn't protect them from the nastiness of SD... their resentment can be directed to you for not standing up for them, which will harm the relationship you have going forwards as they become adults.

The parent who didn't protect their kids.... can be seen as the one who will not protect their grandchildren.... whether this is due to being meek..or a pushover .... the result can be the same.

@DeRigueurMortis

I think the idea of the OP emailing the Ex is a really bad idea in all honesty.

She's someone who thrives on drama and this is providing her with a juicy new script that she'll dine out on for quite some time.

She'll also share it with DSD who I'll bet (unless there's some significant professional intervention) will wave print outs of it at her GP's and Father for years to come as "proof" that the OP is the root cause behind any issues with her relationship with her father.

The OP's DH needs to learn to stand up to his Ex and DD. If he won't do that there's nothing the OP can write that would change that fundamental issue anyway and in fact it undermines him in the sense that it could appear these are not his choices but he's controlled by the "nasty" wife.

The OP's efforts are much better spent on making clear her reasoning to her husband with timelines/logistical issues and lists of impact on herself and the other children in the house that she can reference when she needs to.

Just catching up... thank you for all your advice and support. I think that if I confront the ex I will be providing her with ammunition against me which she will show to whoever she wants and with a twisted view to further make me out to be a villain, further make her and SD victims and blame me for how her DD has turned out. My DH is now forced into a very uncomfortable position but one he needs to address himself and show them that he has changed and to put his foot down. I can’t, won’t and actually shouldn’t stand on my own against them all. I see that now... But I will stand with him if he is willing. I am unsure like you said how long he will hold the line and I have no idea what the response will be when he says no.. I imagine they will up their game, SD will have a breakdown and mum will blame me anyway... but maybe that’s okay right now as it’s no different to the many years I’ve already experienced. I just need to be okay with this and hope my DH sticks to what he has said.

OP I do worry he's the weakest link in this. The relentless ness of the ex shows me that she believes that if she pushes hard enough he will cave, and he might, only to go back to you and be told no.

I agree with @DeRigueurMortis in some ways - but I think you do the communication knowing it will be shared and so in such a way that your reasons look logical fair and not blaming but make it clear that you have a voice. It's got to be the worlds most diplomatic email that's for sure! But very clear.

Do you might say something like "After giving this a great deal of thought, and considering how it might impact on the wider family, I've decided that we need to plan it carefully and set up timelines to ensure DD has the care she needs.

Then you go into 6 month delay cause baby means I won't be able to do any caring at all.

She needs to be willing to accept and follow the house rules for the sake of other DC and it might take time to get used to the idea plus knowing what they are she may not want to. So here they are and here's what she needs to do, and we would need to know she's ok with them first.

That kind of tosh. You have what you say in your own head/on here. What you say to DH and what you say to them. The way you say it is obviously crucial.

Currently the view seems to be that you are just the servant. Someone made a really interesting point about how their SD wanted to come back thinking that after they had made a fuss the first time the SM would have 'learnt her lesson' and not try and impose rules or boundaries. That she (SM) was effectively under control now. Would know to keep quiet. That would be you if she comes back on her terms with zero apologies. It will be carnage.