Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@Greyblueeyes

Op, make this your hill to die on. It is completely unacceptable for you and your children to be expected to live with her. I'm so sorry that your husband and his ex have put you in this position.

There's absolutely no way this will ever work without this child having serious therapy and strong boundaries- and her parents refuse to do either of those.

I honestly think you need to prepare yourself for a separation if your husband won't listen to your entirely sensible suggestions to make this work for all of you.

There's already one damaged child here. Don't let him and his ex make it 5.

You need to get outside help involved. Professionals who can look at this situation from the outside and make it clear to your husband that this isn't a good idea. Please contact your midwife, and a therapist if you have the available funds. Talk to the therapist yourself and they can help you though this. Call them today.

Please take care of yourself. You are under enormous stress right now, and your well-being fucking matters. Stand up for yourself and your children.

Wow... this got me.. “There's already one damaged child here. Don't let him and his ex make it 5” Your right that I can’t allow that to happen :(

@Vodkacranberryplease

I think your best tactic is not to keep talking about the lie - that's too easy to get around. You need to instead open this up as a wider/safeguarding issue.

Firstly you have a newborn. The logistics of this are impossible and you dont know how she will be. very very jealous snd angry watching dad with the new arrival understandably. So does he neglect his little baby and you because that's what she needs? Your MH wont survive that.

Then there's your small child. How does he fit in? He's too little and doesn't know her and what if she's mean to him? You can't possibly watch them all the time.

Your kids won't be her friend. That will hurt her a lot (don't tell anyone but DH that and ensure he keeps his big mouth shut). They are teens and you can't make them hang out with her. She will be a lot less stable being rejected daily.

Then there's you having to pick up the mothering of a child that hates you. Point out to him that she doesn't want you. She wants him! That they need one to one time and that him and ex need to go to family therapy with her.

If you just stick to the lying they will bulldoze past that. All kids lie, that was three years ago etc etc. You have very good reasons why this is a disaster so use those first.

Thank you for this. It’s really useful and your right that they are dismissing all the past and the lie and right now just pressuring me on when she is coming back so maybe if I change the issue to address is safeguarding moving forward (amongst other things) then they can’t bulldoze what I’m saying.

This isn't her decision to make, it's your DH, yours and your DC. The majority are saying no, that means no.

He'll have to meet her outside the house and if she apologises and stops lying you and your DC can consider whether you change your minds.

@Greyblueeyes

Agreed *@Vodkacranberryplease*. If you focus on the lie, you will be labeled as petty and mean to the SD.

You focus on logistics when discussing this with your husband. How the hell will this work? She hates you, your kids don't want to be around her, she's jealous of your joint kids, she has no boundaries, etc. How will you all live together when your kids can't be alone with her? What about when he is at work? How are you supposed to help parent her when she hates you and has no respect for you? How is this going to work with a new baby? What if she lies again and social services get involved or you lose your job? What will we do when she is upset that my teens don't want to be around her because of her past behavior? How is she supposed to integrate back into the family after 3 years of no contact? What role will ex wife be playing in the decision making of day to day life for SD? How will SD get to school and other activities?

Focus on the logistics, OP. Show him how damn impossible this really is. I know you are hurt about the lie, and I would be too. But don't focus on that when discussing this with your husband. Instead, make him give you concrete answers about how the hell he plans to make this work. This is his daughter, and his responsibility.

Thank you so much for this... now can I please put an ear piece in and you say this to me when I put this to him?!

@SandyY2K

I've just read your thread. There's no way I would have her living with you until her and her mum listened to your concerns.

Why should you put yourself in the firing line for her accusations? What about protecting your kids from her nastiness too?

It's not fair to them to have to live with a step sister who accused their mum of emotionally abusing her and was awful to them.

Your DH was present when the alleged incident happened and his ex still didn't believe him.

That means he hasn't had the guts to even talk to her about it over the last 3 years. You can't have a parent scared to talk to their child and ignore the issues....it's disastrous.

You have every right to feel as you do and until and unless she speaks the truth.. this won't work.

In reference to the original incident...is there any chance she misunderstood a response from you and her mum labelled it abuse? Or did the incident just never happen as she described it?

Thank you for your post and your response. Sadly there is no way mum will talk to me. She says it’s between me and SD... she’s basically washing her hands of responsibility. In regards to the last incident there is no way she misunderstood and what she described never even came close to what happened. My DH was in the room at the time and my DCs were in the next room. I had plenty of witnesses luckily.

@WiltedWillows

Have not Rrtt but because of the Covid bubbles and you are in the high risk group being pregnant, I would advise not to allow into your home currently, so speak to your Midwife and get this documented so your husband will understand why she can't stay.

Hi there. Sorry what does Rrtt mean?

@justilou1

The fact that grown adults can’t put their differences aside for the sake of a kid is a huge issue. (Her parents, not you, OP.) You are about to have a baby and have kids of your own that sound like they’re pretty well-adjusted, and you are able to communicate reasonably well with your ex and his wife for their benefit. That is being an adult. This girl is learning her manipulative, temper-throwing, communication and resolution-averse pattern of behaviours from BOTH parents, not just her mum. I suspect the step father’s rant was reacting to bullshit spread on thickly by mum and SD and at the time he believed it all. Under lockdown, he probably has a MUCH clearer picture of the family dynamics he has bought into. Think about it - if he didn’t, why would he be so keen for his DSD to be sent to your house? I bet he can see how she plays both sides of the line to suit her agenda. BUT - she IS a kid an and she is hurting. She DOES need help, and urgently. Is it YOUR responsibility? NO WAY!!! It is the job of BOTH of her parents to work together to achieve this. To do so, they have to get over themselves, suck up their pride, let their own shit go, shut the fuck up about it and put her first for once. They BOTH need to be consistent with access, saying NO to her, calling her on her lies, and doing the ugly, hard parenting bits like following through with enforcing consequences for bad behaviour. Otherwise when she hits the real world, she’s not going to understand why it doesn’t work that way for her.

Hi. I agree with you. It’s so much better for the children of split families to have at-least civil parents who act as adults. I don’t think this is going to happen here though sadly. And your right a lot of her behaviour is learnt and like I’ve said in several posts now I understand that this is a child that has missing needs and is responding to her world in this way because she is damaged and needs help. Her caregivers and parents have failed her and I’m angry at them so much more than I am at her for not sorting their own shit out and also for allowing this to continue so long and also for how they are handling all this right now!

@ElvisPawsley

How can you move on and get over it when it's still affecting your relationship with people like your husband's parents.

It's not a small thing to be accused of abusing a child so much so that your husband's parents won't even speak to you over it.

I'd say it's quite clear that your SDs mum doesn't even believe her daughter, it just suited her at the time and now it doesn't.

Well sorry, it doesn't work like that. You don't get to falsely accuse someone of something like emotional abuse of a child, have it ruin their relationships with various people and then tell them to get over it.

You can move on when the truth is told, which your SD is perfectly old enough to do. Until then I wouldn't be getting over anything.

Yep you make some very important points. I worry if I don’t make a stand about what happened before then I’m almost condoning it and it might happen again... otherwise what were the last 3 years for? But I keep being told by some to get over it, it was 3 years ago, she was just a kid and everyone has moved on so so should I. I wish I had more backbone.

@TheListeners

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this op.

From your posts has DH actually parented his daughter over the past three years? I don't mean taking her out to the cinema or shopping or any other activity they do. I mean actually parented her in talking to her. Challenging poor behaviour like the WhatsApp messages? Does he know how she is getting on at school? Does he attend parents evenings? Does he know who her friends are? I mean it sounds like his relationship with her is basically a series of nice outings which quite frankly aren't parenting.

If he's not actually doing any of the grunt work of parenting her, then how can you trust him that he'll do it when she moves in?

Good valid points and the answer to how can I trust he will parent? I can’t.. I haven’t witnessed it myself. And has he parented her the last 3 years? The answer is no not really. The last 3 years have been him taking her out once a week or every other to whatever restaurant she wants or shopping or cinema trips basically. He talks to her about friends, what she’s been up to and school but not directly involved in all these things since all this. He was before. He lets things go ALL the time and doesn’t really challenge her. I think it’s because he fears she will kick off and say she doesn’t want to see him anymore.. as anytime he has challenged her or said no to her this is what happens. It’s always been this way. He feels as she’s currently apparently depressed he definitely can’t upset her...

It’s probably why (as a child) she doesn’t like me as she gets what she wants everywhere else but I have boundaries with my DCs and implement consequences??
A penny just dropped... maybe it’s that’s what she thinks mental abuse is? As she has made up a lot of this stuff when I’ve had to say to her something about her behaviour or tried to explain about having empathy to others or put in consequences with her (Well I tried before being undermined anyway)... wow that’s interesting.. and also really worrying.

Greyblueeyes
Agreed @Vodkacranberryplease. If you focus on the lie, you will be labeled as petty and mean to the SD.

You focus on logistics when discussing this with your husband. How the hell will this work? She hates you, your kids don't want to be around her, she's jealous of your joint kids, she has no boundaries, etc. How will you all live together when your kids can't be alone with her? What about when he is at work? How are you supposed to help parent her when she hates you and has no respect for you? How is this going to work with a new baby? What if she lies again and social services get involved or you lose your job? What will we do when she is upset that my teens don't want to be around her because of her past behavior? How is she supposed to integrate back into the family after 3 years of no contact? What role will ex wife be playing in the decision making of day to day life for SD? How will SD get to school and other activities?

Focus on the logistics, OP. Show him how damn impossible this really is. I know you are hurt about the lie, and I would be too. But don't focus on that when discussing this with your husband. Instead, make him give you concrete answers about how the hell he plans to make this work. This is his daughter, and his responsibility. *
*
Thank you so much for this... now can I please put an ear piece in and you say this to me when I put this to him?!*

Yes, I will! I'm a stepmom too. You've been asked to do an impossible task. I'm am here to support you through this 100%.

Write down a list of questions. And ask him to answer them.

@Vodkacranberryplease

So on one hand you are a vile villain to the ex and his parents. But she wants her daughter to live with you and you to be the main carer for her daughter??? Even though you emotionally abused this child??!

And you dh wants his d to live with you because you are such a great mum and have created such a wonderful environment but has allowed his parents to continue to think you emotionally abused his d?

And he has allowed his ex to continue to say you emotionally abused her too?

I'm sorry but you have a very big DH problem here. His ex knows perfectly well you didn't abuse her child. She knows that because she has had to put up with her for 3 years. So why is your dh allowing her to get away with this? Why does she get to paint you as the villain and yet without any irony at all expect you to step into the main parental role with her? Without any acknowledgement or even being fucking pleasant?

Because your not so D h allows her to. Your H thinks that you should just do what he and she wants. Probably because you are a very caring mum and a lovely person but a bit of a pushover. However your body is telling you, via your PND that this isn't right.

But that's ok. You just go on medication to cope with it all. He doesn't need to set the record straight with his parents and have them apologise, oh no. His ex wife doesn't need to treat you with respect even though she wants you to raise her fucking kid who she has found out is a nasty liar. No no why would he need to do that?

And of course it's ok for you to give birth and then invite this very unhappy, angry and destructive young woman into your house. What can possibly go wrong? After all you can just up your medication!

And of course you are such a lovely mum (in secret! Don't tell the ex wife or the parents that!) you can fix his kid. What's another teenager when you have two already! Plus a small child. And a newborn.

You are being used by him and treated appallingly. He sets the record straight and they all grovel or they can bugger off. IF this child is coming anywhere near your house it's not for AT LEAST six months after he, his ex, his parents and the child have a MAJOR attitude adjustment and acknowledge the harm they have caused to you, the lies that were told (not just by the child) and the vile way they have treated you. And yes that includes him because he let people think that. He let his parents think that.

Now he wants to use you as some sort of surrogate mum for the result of this shitstorm? Tell him six months cause of the baby. And tell him it's got to be earned, by all of them. This is your home, and your life. He doesn't own you and he doesn't get to rent you out like some kind of fucking nanny.

Gosh some of this hit a nerve... thank you for that. I need to hear it.

I share this here because I think it’s important. In the early stages of our relationship I went on medication mainly because of his ex and the stress she caused me (she moved to my street for gods sake). Over time I upped it and upped it due to relationship issues and SD issues.

A previous relationship I had (not dc dad) was actually domestic abuse so I’ve found it hard to stand up for myself... so yes I’ve been a ‘pushover’ quite a lot in my life...( also hit a nerve)

However one day after a particularly bad day I decided no more and put my foot down and started to put me and my 2 DCs that I had at the time first.
Things got better and I put some boundaries in with my husband which helped a lot but then that’s when things really started to go wrong with SD.
I said no a few times.. an example I gave earlier was her mum got her an iPhone for her 8th birthday and she had youtube and Instagram on it. My DCs were not allowed a phone until they started secondary (which they hadn’t at the time) and certainly not allowed Instagram with several hundred strangers following them! Anyhoo I said no, If she brings it thats fine but it goes in the cupboard and she has it back when she goes. Well mum went mental saying I was pathetic and SD decides she wasn’t going to come to us then and she didn’t for a while..
So the comments about medication and it’s fine she can just up them to cope takes me back. Maybe that’s one of the reasons I’m so anxious about all this. It’s like some kind of PTSD! Hope that doesn’t sound too dramatic. I can’t go back to that place.. not for this.

And no I haven’t heard anything from the ex at all. Nothing directly. Just messages to DH saying he needs to sort it out.
I won’t get the acknowledgment from the ex or his parents and I also doubt the SD.

I will say my DH has stuck up to his parents over it. After not speaking to us for over a year they turned up on his birthday at our house with a card and £200. He spoke at the door to his mum for 2 mins and she acted like everything was normal. They left and after he wrote her a letter saying it was unacceptable how they treated him, how they had treated me and our DS and that he wanted nothing more to do with them and he sent them the £200 back with the letter.

I’m exhausted. I can’t sleep because of this. It’s 3.15am 😭

@Reluctantcavedweller

He doesn't own you and he doesn't get to rent you out like some kind of fucking nanny.

This. Too many step-mums are expected to take on the role of unpaid domestic slave by their DHs. To nanny, cook, clean, look after, give lifts, emotionally support, all while being abused and stripped of authority in their own homes. If this is the role your DH envisages for you while he swans off to work and leaves you to deal with all the shit at home, you need to put a stop to this pronto. It is unacceptable at all times, but especially so here where you will have four other children, including a very young one and a baby, to care for as well. You also need to think about what message it will give your own children if they see you being mistreated and worn down.

Hi there. Yes I am worried about the impact this could have on my DC. I hadn’t really thought of the domestic burden of another person in the house but yes that’s not going to happen. In our house if you take out the pot you have to put in too.. my DCs all have jobs in the house and we work together. They especially help at the moment as I can hardly walk due to pelvis problems of pregnancy. My DC said we were robbing her of her childhood when she use to come because she had to put her plate in the dishwasher! So that could be interesting. But I’m most concerned about the emotional burden as looking after 3 soon to be 4 children is a juggle in itself as well as my current MH. How much resource do I have ‘in my cup’ to give and who is going to take the most.

[quote SoloMummy]@Mummafee
I think that the timing for YOU is crap. I don't think that you can tally up that she is timing this in this manner though. Iykwim.
I also think that though she's obviously been hard work, you have in effect had another man wholeheartedly take on your children, in effect losing his own birth child - the contact he's had isn't the same as if she'd continued to be a part of the family unit. Though I totally get why this happened at that time.
Moving forward, I think that you need to take the role of adult, she is and very much has been the child in this situation. The inlaws situation is different.
Due to the lack of family unit contact, I'd suggest that perhaps what should happen is a refamiliarising setup.

1. You all go out as a unit to meet up and spend time together. To try and rebond. So perhaps, you and oh first, for say a picnic. Something low key. Then rest of family. And explain that this takes as much time as it does to get reacquainted and depends on the effort she puts in.
2. Then discuss AN overnight. Before which rules etc need to be laid down.
3. If all is OK, then maybe long weekends. But weeks with mother. Then review. Perhaps stating that you wish to have say a trial run until Christmas with a view that if she feels she'd then like to live with you under your rules she does.

This gives a clear plan. Means you have to put your issues to one side as the grown up and because ultimately sd was always a part of the package. This also gives time for new baby to arrive etc.[/quote]
Hi there.
I never said the timing was crap for anyone else except for me. And it might just be coincidence that this is happening now just as I’m weeks off having a baby. I can’t help but question this though as she often poses a drama around certain important times or dates.
I want to move forward and I will be adult (although I don’t feel it entirely!But I will)
This situation can not go on like this forever and nor do I want it too. She is his daughter and part of the package-I know this.
It just really needs to be a gradual thing and managed correctly for the best possible outcome for everyone... not just the select few.

@andweallsingalong

Another vote for a family meeting. Time for some tough love. All the adults and SD. Prep that if they want her to move in with you the adults have to back you 100% and mean it. Anyone falls out of line. Meeting over until another day when they convince you they're on board.

Then clean slate time. Reassure SD that you all love her and that she can move in with you, but that it will be permanent and she has to agree to rules first.

1. No more bad mouthing to anyone
2. House rules
3. Counselling
4. Consequences
5. Set routine Inc seeing mum and grandparents

Get everyone to agree and sign up

Make sure DH will enforce. Who knows she might change her mind or DH might finally properly parent her....

Family meeting just won’t happen. I’ve asked before... good idea to write up some rules and expectations though. That’s nice and clear

Op I feel like you know what you need to do but you keep talking about your backbone.

Is that what you need from this thread now, some help with expressing your needs and those of your children
I think the idea of writing things down would really help you. I’d do 2 lists. One of all the points that you want to raise with your DH I’d include in that the fact that if he persists with this and ignores what is in the best interests of all his children, his wife and her children. He needs to be on your side I’d also ask how he thinks this will help his DD.
Then do a list for yourself reminding you why you are doing this. Your children deserve a happy stable life. So do you. So does your DSD. But this is not the solution.
And I definitely think she needs professional help.

Good luck

@Witchymclovely

I’ve been a victim of a SDs lies. She was 11 when she got caught out by her father. BM has never really understood the enormity of what she done. But it does give an insight into what sort of role model she was/is. My DH cut his DD off until she recognised what she done and her BM, she wasn’t welcome in our home. Our family sadly was much happier without her so when they both did eventually admit yes she had lied (3 years later) she came back into our lives with a strict understanding of the rules. I will never again be a doormat for a child to behave so cruelly. This is my life and I’m a good person, I deserve to be happy. She is far from perfect but she is tolerable now. But I do not trust her. I’ve never known a child like her. She’s 18 now and I hope as she gets older she’ll realise what an awful situation she put herself, if only she had a BM who could put her DD first and not her own feelings of failure.

Hello, thank you for sharing your story. I’m clearly not alone in having a SC tell lies and wow you had to wait 3 years... even with a DH who stood his ground. I guess I’m hopeful too that maturity will help her see things differently one day. Just wish that was now!

If she has always got away with things then no I wouldn't allow her back. My SD was never made to apologise for things she did to my DC or me. She's 30 now and an even bigger pain in the arse. Stand your ground for your DC.

@AlternativePerspective accusing someone of being an emotional abuser, having their husband’s family completely cut that person off as a result is a pretty serious lie and one which she needs to take responsibility for. You can’t just expect to tell lies like that and then go through life with people making excuses and never holding you to account. She is almost an adult now, at what point should she have to take responsibility for accusing the OP of being an abuser?

Wait.... that is a HELL of a lot of responsibility to put on the shoulders of a 15yr old, who was under 5 when her parents split and her father started playing happy families with another woman and her kids...

The 12yr old DID NOT cut op out, her mother and her father did that. The 12 didn't make up a "pretty serious lie" or accuse the op of emotional abuse, the mother did. Perhaps she went home and said "Mummafee told me off/shouted at me" and the mother, who op admits likes drama, thought up the whole EA perspective in order to get back op & her partner?

There is (as always when kids are involved, I find) some pretty shit responses to a child whose father left and shacked up with another woman and her family before she was even old enough to understand what was happening.

Has her father even spoken to her about the incident? Tried to clear up what happened, no.

And now the kid is 15, and no one wants her, and what more, she will know that! Sounds like they never real did to be honest and people certainly did not try to understand how the events in her life would affect her, did they?

They just shipped her around for their own convenience and used her a pawn in their games.

@Oliversmumsarmy I don’t understand

OTOH her mother won’t let her visit you because you supposedly are abusive.
OTOH her mother now wants to entrust her child into the family of said abuser.

It's quite easy.

The mother in this instance likes drama, that usually equates to playing games. She has used her dd as her pawn against her father and now wants to ship her off there again at her convenience, because the girl and her stepfather don't get on. But instead of telling a grown man (the stepdad) to stop being an arse, she wants to get rid of the one person who actually needs her).

The mother was never worried about op being emotionally abusive, it was a convenient lie to get at the op and her partner. And they fell for it, hook line and sinker.

Unfortunately, everyone has been blaming the 12yr old, who is now the 15yr old. Because NO ONE believes the teenager.

Just that all the adults are too wrapped up in their own worlds to give a toss about anyone else.

I feel it’s unfair on me too right now and I really appreciate that being reflected The only people who have suffered here, are you op and the young girl. No one took your feelings into consideration when they concocted this lie against you, and no one helped her when she needed it. Sadly, no one wants to help her now either, and that is on ALL the adults in her life.

You have to get passed her accusing you of EA, because she probably never really did.

The messages on messenger... it may have been her mum, but she isn't going to admit it, is she? I can tell you that my mum used to dictate letters for me to send to my dad, every week. All full of how great life was, how I didn't need him, or want him. But she would deny it if you asked her, and who do adults believe? Other adults. Your partner needs to stop taking his exes word on everything, and someone needs to step up for this poor girl who is being pushed about and feeling unloved.

There will never be an apology for what she did, and to be honest, you have to stop holding a child accountable for their actions during what was a difficult period in her life. It's shit. Truly.

@differentnameforthis
“Playing happy families”? “Shacking up”?
That’s a shit response to a 10 year relationship and an 8 year marriage that has produced two children to be honest.
Bet the ex tells herself that they are just shacking up and she has the right to stick her oar in because she had a child with him first.

So if (when) it goes tits up and your teens vote with their feet to live full time with their Dad and only visit when DSD is at her Mums how is that going to be?

Your DH will expect you to choose his Ex demands and DSD over your own DC. At what point would you be asking your DH to move out and take DSD with him?

Can SD live with her devoted grandparents?

[quote Giespeace]@differentnameforthis
“Playing happy families”? “Shacking up”?
That’s a shit response to a 10 year relationship and an 8 year marriage that has produced two children to be honest.
Bet the ex tells herself that they are just shacking up and she has the right to stick her oar in because she had a child with him first.[/quote]
Oh come on... Just because you don't like the terminology, doesn't mean it's wrong.

@RandomMess So if (when) it goes tits up and your teens vote with their feet to live full time with their Dad and only visit when DSD is at her Mums how is that going to be?

This crossed my mind too. He is expecting your DD to share a room with the girl who has lied about her and stolen from her. She is 'distraught' at the thought of losing her safe space to the girl. I don't know how you can even think about letting that happen and he is being a prick for even asking. Your poor D has done nothing wrong and her life will be destroyed.

Tell him you need to move to a bigger house before you can accommodate her.

His ex is running the show. Screaming and shouting and acting like you have no say in your own house and family. She can demand he step up but how fucking dare she demand you destroy your own family and peace of mind? And how dare he give it consideration.

She's not even going to do a family meeting because she has zero respect for you. You don't matter. You are just the slave expected to do as she's told. Your dh seems to see you that way too, and you are expected to parent without having any authority and invite two people into your life and that of your children without having a say.

You can't even enforce your own family rules on this girl!

But it's very clear. Your house your rules. Why don't you write a list of the rules and expectations and say to them all (Especially the SD) that if she comes these are the rules. She will be expected to abide by them and I will not have her if not. I'm pretty sure little miss spoilt will take one look at them and say no way.

But then I think it's the ex driving this not the girl. She's raised a nasty little bitch and now doesn't like who she's become. Well tough luck. You reap what you sew.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Stall this as long as poss and let them all know that the house has these rules. In the mean time tell your useless H to step up and tell him you need to move house or build an extension before the girl can come (Your baby will be a toddler soon do this needs to happen anyway) and that there needs to be a significant improvement in both the behaviour and attitude of ex and SD FIRST. That until Ex treats you properly you aren't even considering it snd until SD admits her part you arent either.

Rather than refuse outright you are saying yes BUT

• not straight away as WE have a new baby.
• not until we have an extension or have moved as there's no room
• not until SD agrees to follow all rules and admits to past behaviour because not admitting means nothing has changed.
• not until ex adjusts attitudes towards me and stops her vicious campaign of lies and abuse.
• not until you start standing up for me properly

I'd even be tempted to reword this list and send it to ex.

Say "I have thought about it and am happy to do it however these things need to happen FIRST.

• I need time to settle new baby (six months)
• we need to extend our home or move as there's no room currently
• SD needs to abide by house rules and responsibilities (list attached)
• I will not be undermined or lied about or abused. If I take SD in then I expect to be treated with respect by you and your H.
• SD needs to admit to all her behaviour including lying about my children and myself and stealing from DD.

Since DH is at work most of the responsibility and work falls to me. This is my house and I will not be a parent to your child without these conditions being met."

I think you need to stand up to this woman yourself. Quite firmly. She thinks you are weak, prove you are not.

I'd even be tempted to reword the list of caveats and send it to ex.

Say "I have thought about it and am happy to do it however these things need to happen FIRST.

• I need time to settle new baby (six months)
• we need to extend our home or move as there's no room currently
• SD needs to abide by house rules and responsibilities (list attached)
• I will not be undermined or lied about or abused. If I take SD in then I expect to be treated with respect by you and your H.
• SD needs to admit to all her behaviour including lying about my children and myself and stealing from DD.

Since DH is at work most of the responsibility and work falls to me. This is my house and I will not be a parent to your child without these conditions being met."

I think you need to stand up to this woman yourself. Quite firmly. She thinks you are weak, prove you are not. She will get a shock and think how dare you step out of your box but quite frankly you do dare. This is YOUR life and that if your children.

It's not your DH giving up his days or evenings is it?

Anyway the SD will get back to school soon. They will see the list of behaviour needed plus apologies and she will think fuck that.

If she does move in eventually you make sure you are so strict with her she can't even move and make sure your DD is believed and supported. And had somewhere else safe to hang out and do homework/teen stuff. Also put locks on everything especially that of DD. Sharing a room with a thief is highly stressful.

And get a nanny cam for baby and 6 year old rooms. I don't trust her one bit with the little ones.