Advice needed - Step Parenting - feels like make or break. :(

[Mummafee]

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...
My SD has always been really difficult towards me but I always tried harder and treated her with more love because I understood why she behaved the way she did. However over the years it got worse and she started to tell lies about me and also my children but still we continued to welcome her as again whilst it hurt I understood. However 3 years ago after an upset over something silly she went home to her mum and said I emotionally abused her. Complete nonsense and my husband was in the room at the time so backed me up that I never said what she said. However her mum loves the drama, hates me and said she was never coming to our house again..
So for the last 3 years my husband has met up with his daughter and taken her shopping, out for meals, cinema trips e.t.c on his own. She has had no contact with my kids or her half brother. During this time she has treated my husband horrendously and he has been in bits over it.

Anyway I said to my husband right at the start that now enough was enough and to put this right she needed to tell the truth about what happened. It’s not fair that her mother and his parents (who don’t speak to us anymore mainly because of all this) have believed these lies. However as she hasn’t wanted to come back this hasn’t been addressed.

Now though she wants to come back to our house (she’s not getting on with mum, she says dubious things to my husband about how she is treated by her step dad and mum (I imagine are lies) and she’s acting out and depressed.

However right I’m suffering from prenatal depression (not wanting to admit this here but it’s important to note), I’m 6 weeks of having a baby, I can hardly walk due to pregnancy, my youngest son doesn’t know who she is anymore, my two oldest don’t want her here (as she’s been so unkind in the past and has caused so much upset)...

But she wants to come back and her mum now says she can’t cope with her anymore so she has to come to us... like right now!

It’s been 3 years and the timing is crap. I’m really upset as I desperately do want things to be ok and to be a happy merged family but she’s caused nothing but upset and drama and I don’t want me or my kids around it right now. It seems whenever something important is happening she kicks off somehow...
but my husband is heart broken... how can I resolve this so that I consider the impact on everyone... I find it mind boggling that her and her mum think after all this she can just waltz back in to our home with the red carpet treatment and with excited faces waiting for her?? But then that’s her life.. she’s been a bit of a spoilt princess and doesn’t know consequences.
she also still hasn’t admitted she lied about what happened to her mum or her grandparents and she won’t now (and apparently I’m pathetic for even asking) so I feel the last 3 years of what we’ve been through and teaching her about boundaries and consequences is pointless.
All my children are well balanced lovely kids and I’m concerned the impact of having her around will cause them.
I’m also just holding myself together and I’m feeling very anxious about it all. I just want to focus on having and adjusting to having my baby and my kids adapting to this big change...
but instead she has once again made it about her. It’s hard not to feel angry. My husband I can tell is resentful towards me right now for not just bowing down like I have always in the past... or somehow magically making it all better (again like I normally do) but right now I just don’t feel I can.
It makes me wonder if it’s best to end my marriage to be honest... I thought this would get easier as she got older... part of me just thinks if I leave my husband I don’t have to put up with this ridiculous situation and the anxiety around it and nor do my children, My SD gets what she wants (her dad to herself) and my husband can have his daughter back in his life full time of he likes. But I love him and I know he loves me and doesn’t want to break up our family. I just can’t cope with it anymore. It’s been 10 years and I’m broken.
If your still with me here thank you. I really need support and advice. X

@Mummafee
I think that the timing for YOU is crap. I don't think that you can tally up that she is timing this in this manner though. Iykwim.
I also think that though she's obviously been hard work, you have in effect had another man wholeheartedly take on your children, in effect losing his own birth child - the contact he's had isn't the same as if she'd continued to be a part of the family unit. Though I totally get why this happened at that time.
Moving forward, I think that you need to take the role of adult, she is and very much has been the child in this situation. The inlaws situation is different.
Due to the lack of family unit contact, I'd suggest that perhaps what should happen is a refamiliarising setup.

1. You all go out as a unit to meet up and spend time together. To try and rebond. So perhaps, you and oh first, for say a picnic. Something low key. Then rest of family. And explain that this takes as much time as it does to get reacquainted and depends on the effort she puts in.
2. Then discuss AN overnight. Before which rules etc need to be laid down.
3. If all is OK, then maybe long weekends. But weeks with mother. Then review. Perhaps stating that you wish to have say a trial run until Christmas with a view that if she feels she'd then like to live with you under your rules she does.

This gives a clear plan. Means you have to put your issues to one side as the grown up and because ultimately sd was always a part of the package. This also gives time for new baby to arrive etc.

Another vote for a family meeting. Time for some tough love. All the adults and SD. Prep that if they want her to move in with you the adults have to back you 100% and mean it. Anyone falls out of line. Meeting over until another day when they convince you they're on board.

Then clean slate time. Reassure SD that you all love her and that she can move in with you, but that it will be permanent and she has to agree to rules first.

1. No more bad mouthing to anyone
2. House rules
3. Counselling
4. Consequences
5. Set routine Inc seeing mum and grandparents

Get everyone to agree and sign up

Make sure DH will enforce. Who knows she might change her mind or DH might finally properly parent her....

Hi OP,

Her mother only cares about the impact on herself I think. Her perception is we’ve had 3 years off so is about time we stepped up and gave her a break. It’s twisted the truth but that what she is like. The story she will tell when I ask for a gradual approach will be ‘see, she hates my daughter. Always has. Poor me, poor DD. Not even allowed in her dads house when she’s depressed’
I can already hear it.

What does it really matter what her mother says?

She's already been instrumental in the breakdown of the relationship with your in-laws.

In a way she already played her trump card 3 years ago when she "believed" her daughters lies and insisted she couldn't visit your home any more.

The only people she can voice this view to that matters is your DH and DSD.

Your DH knows that narrative isn't true and it's his responsibility to explain the reality of the situation to his daughter and counteract the narrative from her mother.

Also whether she chooses to articulate it or not DSD knows "the game" she's played and is still playing. She may be damaged and manipulative but certainly in terms of the ability to do the latter you actually need a firm grasp of the situation in order to emotionally blackmail people into doing what you want.

The fact she thinks everyone should "get over" what happened 3 years ago is exactly why she can't move back full time.

I demonstrates she either doesn't understand or care about the damage she's caused which means she's capable of doing similar again which is something you can't risk.

Mediation/counselling is the only way forward here and if Ex/DH/DSD refuse that then it's a clear demonstration that they have no desire to move forward and address the issues here, rather they'd just prefer to sweep it all under the carpet at your (and your children's) expense.

@andweallsingalong

Another vote for a family meeting. Time for some tough love. All the adults and SD. Prep that if they want her to move in with you the adults have to back you 100% and mean it. Anyone falls out of line. Meeting over until another day when they convince you they're on board.

Then clean slate time. Reassure SD that you all love her and that she can move in with you, but that it will be permanent and she has to agree to rules first.

1. No more bad mouthing to anyone
2. House rules
3. Counselling
4. Consequences
5. Set routine Inc seeing mum and grandparents

Get everyone to agree and sign up

Make sure DH will enforce. Who knows she might change her mind or DH might finally properly parent her....

It's a good idea in theory but the relationships here are just to toxic for that to be a viable option.

You wouldn't get a calm discussion just a forum for accusations and more drama.

That's why family mediation/counselling is needed.

For any communication to be productive there would have to be a professional independent party to facilitate it.

I’ve been a victim of a SDs lies. She was 11 when she got caught out by her father. BM has never really understood the enormity of what she done. But it does give an insight into what sort of role model she was/is. My DH cut his DD off until she recognised what she done and her BM, she wasn’t welcome in our home. Our family sadly was much happier without her so when they both did eventually admit yes she had lied (3 years later) she came back into our lives with a strict understanding of the rules. I will never again be a doormat for a child to behave so cruelly. This is my life and I’m a good person, I deserve to be happy. She is far from perfect but she is tolerable now. But I do not trust her. I’ve never known a child like her. She’s 18 now and I hope as she gets older she’ll realise what an awful situation she put herself, if only she had a BM who could put her DD first and not her own feelings of failure.

Something has just struck me OP.

SD and ex do not want you. They do not want you in your DHs life and they do not want you in SDs life. They want you gone. Out. The ex because then he becomes easier to manipulate and control and he will have more time for his D. And the D for reasons as old as time. She wants daddy to herself. She doesn't want to share him with you, and other children. She sees your children living there and thinks fuck that it should be me. She doesnt want attention or love from you, you are nothing to her, she wants it from her daddy. She wants to live with her daddy. Not you.

Think for a moment about what that really means.

What it really means is that you are there as the convenience. The housework person. The meals person. To be tolerated but like a Servant you are not part of the family. To her your children are potential teens to hang out with. Not family.

So it's up to you how you feel about that, but all of this 'she hates me' by step daughter is classic deflection. She knows how she feels about you and assumes you know how she feels. She thinks you hate her because she IS the enemy. To you. Not to daddy.

I really think you need to insist on family therapy - that it is a condition of DD moving back in.

A safe environment for her lies about abuse to be aired and for you to have a supportive voice...

I would be asking DH how can he be with DSD when she is home 24/7 to ensure that she doesn't tell monstrous lies again? What if she accuses him of inappropriate sexual behaviour, what if she does something else to deliberate hurt her younger half siblings?

I think you need to turn it around and ask him how he can make it work on a practical daily level?

One thing OP.

I've been reading back on the thread and you've given loads of examples of DSD's behaviour but in multiple posts and there isn't really a "timeline".

When you pull this together (as I've attempted to below but please correct me if I'm wrong) it shows this issue has been many, many years in the making.

I think there is a lot of focus on the falling out 3 years ago but there's so much more than that I think some people reading the thread haven't picked up on.

The reason for saying this is that based on the full timeline I'd argue that DSD is more dangerous to you and your family than she was 3 years ago because she's still lying and being emotionally manipulative and has had that time to reinforce that she can get away with it.

---

• 6 years ago when your son was born DSD created a "crisis" to ensure she, rather than her half sibling was the centre of attention - not just a one off for the day but sustained over the early months of his life. Consequences for DSD = none.

• Two years later at his second birthday party there was another "crisis" ensuring DSD was centre stage. Consequences for DSD = none.

• 18 months prior to DSD accusing you of emotional abuse you already felt the need to never be alone with her because of the lies she told about you. Consequences for DSD = none.

• 3 years ago you are accused of emotional abuse (which your DH knows is false). Her mother backs her up and states she can no longer visit your home. This also results in DH's patents going NC with their son. Consequences for DSD = none.

• since then DH has met DSD regularly outside the home doing things she wants (shopping, cinema etc). She's never been taken to task nor reprimanded for prior behaviour in fact she got her fathers undivided attention and wallet. Consequences for DSD = none.

• During this time she sent abusive messages to her father. This happened many times. She accused her mother of sending these. When DH finally spoke to his ex she denied sending them. The messages continued. Consequences for DSD = none.

• a year ago she told an unspecified lie to her mother and SF that resulted in SF coming to your home and confronting your DH to threaten he would never see DSD again. This nearly ended with a physical altercation. Consequences for DSD = none.

• recently she's started to tell your DH "tales"'about her mother and SF including that the latter made her sit in the sun for so long her skin blistered. There is zero evidence this happened. Consequences for DSD = none.

• when your DH tries to discuss these "tales" with his ex, DSD denies it and Ex accuses DH of lying and "shit stirring". Consequences for DSD = none.

• Out of the blue Ex demands she lives with you, the person who "abused" her daughter and she banned from seeing. It also transpires Ex sent her to stay with her grandparents (not clear of this is the NC GP's) but was sent home after 2 days as GP's couldn't cope with her behaviour. Consequences for DSD = none.

• DH has now been told my Ex that she is depressed and self harming yet thinks the right thing to do is to send her to a home she's alienated herself from for 3 years with those within it aside from her father understandably wary of her "return". DSD when told she should apologise for prior lies believes everyone should "get over it" and has also now taken to manipulating her father with sending vague messages indicating she's in harm/self harming and then refusing to contact to him leaving him worried and frantic. Consequences for DSD = none.

As I said this is years and years in the making where her parents have utterly failed her and will do so again if they enable her to get her own way again.

She's a kid and it's not her fault but she needs professional support not a change of scenery and parents who put aside their differences and actually communicate and get her the help she desperately needs rather than score points off each other and enable her lies.

@DeRigueurMortis I agree with everything you have written.

OP I suggest you write out a fuller timeline to present to your H and ask him what could have possibly changed when nothing else has?

@RandomMess

Yes I think that would be a good idea.

I think the OP's DH needs to be confronted with all the opportunities he had to address this (and failed to do so) and thus hopefully understand why the OP is understandably wary that nothing has changed and nothing will change as this latest issue is yet another ploy to be centre of attention as a new baby is about to be born (history repeating itself) and giving in is yet another capitulation that reinforces to DSD that this is how to behave to get what she wants.

@DeRigueurMortis has written a much more succinct version of my theory. Your DH and his ex are raising a psychopath.

[quote justilou1]@DeRigueurMortis has written a much more succinct version of my theory. Your DH and his ex are raising a psychopath.[/quote]

I don't agree.

You can't raise a psychopath. It's a neurological disorder. Poor parenting might exacerbate such a condition but it won't create it.

It's also a pretty rare (thankfully) condition (as in properly diagnosed as opposed to people attributing behaviours as being akin to that as a disorder).

What you can do is raise a perfectly normal child in such a way that they "learn" behaviours that are anti-social and destructive.

The child is not at fault here from everything the OP has posted. She's been failed by her parents - both of whom have indulged her lies and manipulation either to get back at the other or in fear of being "disowned".

This child deserves more from her parents and especially means both of them not palming her of to the OP (who is vulnerable herself right now).

The OP's children deserve more than being expected to live with a very troubled teen that some are wary of (and understandably dislike) or don't even know.

The OP deserves more at 32 weeks pregnant and having faced years and years of lies and allegations.

@Morred

Can you access any support from social services? If needed, you can 'sell' this to your husband by pointing out that your Health Visitor will want to check you have a safe environment to have and raise your baby - a house with a vulnerable, volatile, teen who is self-harming (?) will raise some flags.

This is not at all to scare you or threaten you with social services - but they might be a good source of support or mediation to help your SD get back on track.

Does she actually want to come back to live you all, or is that her mum can't cope any more? What you might be able to do will depend a lot on that. If she wants to come back, you're in a bit of a stronger position to set out how it will be if she does. If she doesn't want to come I can see that you don't want her to feel like no one wants her.

and for you - it's a horrible position DH and his Ex have put you in.

Hi there. I am seeing/ meeting my HV next week so I will discuss it with her then. I’m quite willing to be as open with whom necessary to get the right support. I think it’s both.. mum can’t cope with her because of her behaviour and SD doesn’t want to stay with her mum because she says she’s not happy there and that mum and SD are mean to her... (yes more red flags) I’m very much enjoying the cake right now! And can’t wait for a cheeky glass of something lovely at some point in the future...

@Silentplikebath

You need to tell your DH that all this stress is making you feel ill and you can’t cope with SD living with you, especially with a new baby arriving soon. Unfortunately, you need to start getting tougher to protect yourself and your older DCs from SD. It’s ok to say no to a difficult, manipulative teen moving in. She has accused you of horrible things, she’s unstable and she clearly needs more support than you can give her. If DH is a decent man he will put your wellbeing first and tell his ex that SD moving in isn’t happening.

If he continues to put pressure on you he will have to move out in order to live with his DD so that the rest of your family can be kept safe.

I’m sorry that you are being put into such a difficult situation.

Thank you for your post.. I’m struggling to find the words to say this right now. For some reason it feels like if I say no then I’m unreasonable somehow. I know I need to find some strength... whatever outcome.

[quote MrsAmaretto]@Mummafee How are you today?

I’ve just remembered that another avenue of support will be your midwife, please do speak to them and explain what you have said here. You need to look after yourself too x[/quote]
Hello again.. so lovely of you to check in on me.
This forum the last few days has been amazing for me. It really has held me.
I have mentioned to my midwife about it last time but she was a bit dismissive and suggested I did some meditation. I’m going to contact a few agency’s I have found who specialise in PND and will speak openly with the HV who I’m meeting next week about things. I know I need to try and hold myself together.. if not for me for the sake of all my DCs. It’s amazing the strength I can find by being with them. I am so lucky I have them. They deserve a well mummy.

@MrsCrosbyNRTB

I have no advice or experience just a big for you as this sounds such an awful situation. You come across as balanced and kind - putting the your children first while still worrying over your SD who sounds like she’s really not in a good place. My friend is currently having a lot of issues with her bio daughter which I’m supporting her with and it’s exhausting.

BEST of luck with it all

Hello, thank you for your comment and the flowers. 😊 I like to think I’m kind and I am trying to think of everyone including SD who I recognise clearly is a very troubled young lady. Your poor friend. Raising children is so hard. Wonderful that she has you to support her. Best of luck to your friend too x

@Vodkacranberryplease

I think you have to hold your nerve here. You have told your DH no previously and he appears to accept that though not be happy. Well you will just have to be ok with his not being happy. We can't all be ok about everything and this is about you, and four other children vs him and one child - AND he won't even have to look after her!!

So tell him you can't do it. Not with a newborn. It's not fair to have you dragged into therapists and family meetings. You are not her mum and you have your own things to deal with.

This is one of these things that if you say yes to it then you can probably kiss your marriage goodbye and you can definitely kiss your MH goodbye. So you have to tell him that he can spend all the time with her he wants to, you understand, but that you can not cope with her living with you at the moment.

If this is too hard for him to hear then he probably needs to rent a flat for the two of them. Except he can't because he works.. and he's not going to be there. That would be you. I'm afraid he's going to steamroller you into this and you will take on far too much. He's being very stupid and very selfish signing you up for this, at this point in time.

I hadn’t actually considered that I will be left home with her.. we have both been working from home in the pandemic but yes eventually he will go back to work outside the home... and I will have gone from a mum of three (well behaved and easy children) to a mum/parent of 5 (one being a newborn and the other a troubled teen) whilst dealing with my MH too. It is quite a lot. I hadn’t thought of it like that. I’m clearly very tired and very overwhelmed.

@Rosegarden123389

I have experience of a stepchild who makes up lies which could get people in alot of trouble. I have found letting him get away with it all only made him worse. His mum would pretend he was an angel until he started making up lies about her. After a pretty awful incident she finally opened her eyes, and got him help. My dh only saw him for a while and when he was around us again he apologised to us for his behaviour. He came back and was alot better, he still needs help but sourcing some help for his lieing and someone else teaching him about understanding the impact of his behaviour really helped. His Dad and I had sat down with him many times to try and help him but actually I think sometimes someone else who isnt related to it all can make more of a difference, it seemed to make him understand more.

In your case I wouldnt have her to stay,
I understand your dhs predicament but unfortunately its something him and his ex have caused by letting her do as she pleases and get away with bad behaviour.
She has to learn her actions have consequences its not a game making up someone is abusing you when they aren't.
She has to learn to have empathy and realise the impact of everything that has happened.

Your dh and the ex have let this problem fester by not tackling it earlier on, they have to be the ones to solve it.

Take a step back and look after yourself and your babies

Hello. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience with me. It’s so useful to hear other people’s stories about how similar things have been. I’m glad it got better for you. I do feel that if she apologised and admitted things it would reach her about consequences and taking responsibility for her actions... just seems I’m the only one that thinks this should happen now after all this time... She apparently has had counselling.. she just finished with one recently as she said it wasn’t helping... she did tell my DH that the therapist said it was ridiculous that she hasn’t been allowed back to our house yet... I imagine she missed out the part on why that has been.. and actually up until very very recently she hasn’t come to our house become she hasn’t wanted to.

@Vodkacranberryplease

They sll have to prove yo you things have changed before you agree to anything. That's the bottom line.

This. This is what I am worried about. I don’t trust that things have changed. I have no real proof of this so far so I fear I’m setting myself up to stand in the firing line... taking the hit for something that isn’t my fault. Does that make sense?

@DeRigueurMortis

Sensible advice, thank you. I hadn’t been on my own with her for about 18 months before the last allegation because it wasn’t the first time she has told lied about me. You’ve made me think moving forward that this will indeed have to apply to all my DC too... incase something serious was said.

How is this going to possibly be achieved OP?

We still don't know what's happening with the schools (certainly for my DS and DSD the current expectation from the school
is that the children will only be in part of the week in a rota to enable social distancing).

As such there is a very real possibility you'll have to spend significant time alone with her when your DH is at work.

What about your other children? Are you expected to create some kind of rota so that they have a "buddy system" never to be alone with her?

It's utterly unworkable.

I agree with the poster below saying:

"HE needs to parent her not you. HE needs to arrange to spend time with her and take her out. But no he wants to bring her into the home so YOU can do it!!! You have no authority, are treated like shit and she hates you! You are not the right person to look after her - and she wants her father not you. You are just an inconvenience- someone to be kicked, who will do housework but is not important or valued. "

Hi again! Yes I just saw in a previous post about logistics and when I wrote the initial post I hadn’t really thought about all these extra precautions. I think I was shocked about the sudden changes that were being asked... but yes your right. I don’t want me or any of my DCs alone with her at the moment, which makes it unworkable right now. I don’t know if my DH will see it like that but I’m just assuming this.

@Rae36

She's not going to apologise, don't hold out for that. It won't happen.

Her dad needs to have a conversation about the lies she told, she needs to know that you all know they were lies, and that they have had a serious impact on all of you personally and on family relationships.

I am really torn about her moving in. How devastating for a teenager to be told she can't live with her dad, even though she has been a nightmare.

I think I would suggest she comes for the day for a couple of weeks, then one overnight for a couple more weeks then an extra night etc. That buys you some time and everyone has a chance to get used to each other again. There's a small chance it won't be as bad as you think?

You and your dh have to be completely united. He has to 100% agree and commit. If he's not willing then he has to move out with her. You can't make it conditional on her behaviour, maybe she'll act up to get her dad to herself. You have to make it conditional on his behaviour. If he can't back you up and stamp on any unreasonable behaviour then he has to make arrangements for for her to live elsewhere. And if that's a hotel room or b&b with him in the short term then so be it.

And practically, have you got space for her? Would someone have to share a room?

Him moving out would be really shit for you and your kids but it seems like you're facing a shit time either way.

I've got a sd who has caused all sorts of issues over the years. She's a really unhappy person. I couldn't cope if she went from barely seeing us and being really unpleasant to us to wanting to move in. But I would be disappointed in Dh if he didn't step up and help her. Rock and a hard place op. It's a really tough situation for you.

Hi. Thank you for your input here. DH tells me he has spoken to her loads about what has happened but she just goes quiet and changes the subject. And I agree that it must be really hard for her.. and I just want to add that I have never nor would I ever stop him having a relationship with her.. quite the opposite. He does need to support her absolutely. Your right that we need to be united.. but no he is to blame for a lot of this.. not her. She’s a child acting out and is a product of the shit parenting she has had. He needs to change.. probably more than she does where this situation is concerned. And no we don’t have space at all. She would have to share with my DD who will be devastated. Again they haven’t even considered how my DD might feel about that... they don’t have empathy or care about others as long as they get what they want.

@Mummafee This. This is what I am worried about. I don’t trust that things have changed. I have no real proof of this so far so I fear I’m setting myself up to stand in the firing line... taking the hit for something that isn’t my fault. Does that make sense?

It does. Absolutely. I think that it's fair that you slow this down and say 'maybe, but we all need 6 months'. Lots to talk about and do. I think there has to be trust first.

It's not unreasonable. You want to do this well s and so it works. Not rush in too busy and unprepared.

You have been the scapegoat and I'm sorry but you are a person too. You deserve love and care.

OP what's your DH's take on the situation right now?

It sounds like you've already voiced some concerns, what's his response, especially regarding his ex's text that you "must" have her next week?

@Mumoftwoyoungkids

Op - you can’t live with her. You can’t. How would it work? You can’t ever be alone with her in case she makes another false accusation. She is good at false accusations. Despite the fact that their own child is telling them that it was a lie her grandparents believed her last one.

If she makes another false accusation about you and your husband wasn’t there to witness then you could find yourself losing your job and your children.

You can’t risk this so you can never be alone with her. And neither can your children.

So how will that work? Will she be banned from the house unless your husband is home? And even if you do that what happens if he needs to run an errand? What happens if he needs a poo? She can’t live with you.

It is in reality a logistical nightmare and won’t work. I hadn’t thought about it like this until an earlier post said it. His parents seemed to believe everything she said over the years. 3 years ago was just the final straw..She lied about my kids too.. two examples she said was that my DD stole from her (it was the other way around) and she said my DS had hit her when he hadn’t (she actually hit herself and said it was him!) She’s had his parents worship the ground she walks on her whole life (and why not? How lovely to have such devoted grandparents around) but they literally believed she was perfect and would give or do whatever she wanted and believed that we should ensure she was happy at all times too whatever that meant. I remember one night they went to three different takeaways when she was about 8 as she wanted something different from each of them. She wanted a bike.. they bought it straight away... She wanted a holiday.. done! She’s been very spoilt.

However THEY are the adults and this isn’t SDs fault.. they should know better and should have asked rather than taking the stories of a child as gospel truth.

@monkeymonkey2010

I have been with husband 10 years and married 8. I have 2 children from previous (now 16f and 14m) and he has 1 (15f). We now have one together (6m) and I’m due a baby in 6 weeks...

Seems like you both neglected dealing with the child who was already showing signs of adjustment issues and just carried on playing out the 'happy families' act.

The lazy father who couldn't be arsed dealing with his only child chose to neglect her in favour of creating a new 'family'.
Now he's in a position where it's become obvious that neither he nor his ex are fit parents and are more concerned with their own wants rather than their only child's needs.

So he acts like he doesn't know what to do....and passes all the responsibility onto YOU.
He doesn't give two hoots about how you feel - or your kids.

YOU - with two children who you take full responsibility for...are now EXPECTED to parent his child (cos he hasn't a clue does he?)... and you'll be the one doing the majority of care for your new baby too.

Hi. Thank you for your post and your perspective. I don’t feel it’s fair though to say that we both neglected her in favour of playing a happy families act. Also we do have a bio child together who is 6 and another due very soon... But I don’t look at my children in this separated way. My DH may have 3 bio children (one not here yet) but he’s a dad and a parent and has a responsibility to 5.

My older two have a bio dad and a step mum and as far as I’m concerned there are 4 of us united in raising these two children as we have all chosen to be a part of their lives.. We all love them and I think my two older children are so lucky to have two extra people who want to be involved in their lives and love them when they didn’t have to.
It’s sad that my SD hasn’t been a part of this in our lives but it isn’t because I or her dad haven’t wanted her to be. I would have much rather have been united with her mum, her SD and DH in her upbringing and had an outcome like I do with my DC from previous. I honestly tried so so hard. She and her mother have chosen this and I as the wicked SM have over all the years not been allowed to parent this child in a way that I believe is in her best interest...
but your right that now years later now mum and DH realise that she’s messed up and can’t cope with her want me to step in.... but at what cost? And like you said if another accusation takes place what then? Social services? I could lose my job? And how does all this impact my DCs who are currently well balanced and happy. But I’m torn as I want to help her still. I do, she was let of the package too... but I also think it’s not really gonna work as our ideas on what this help means are very very different.
Sorry I’ve gone on a bit there!