Saving money for just my DC.

[TooTTootY]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but I feel really guilty about it, but at the same time think, well what can I do if DH won't change anything?

Basically I have 2DSC and 1DC together.

I've mentioned before to DH that we should maybe put some money away each month for DSC but he's never been fussed about the idea or taken it further. However, I've made it clear to him that I will be doing it for our DC.

I am currently putting about £80 a month in an account for my DD and plan to do so (if I can obviously) until they are around 18 which will leave them about £17,000.

I've mentioned DH doing it for DSC again but again, he's not bothered to do anything and doesn't see the need (he gives them bits of money here and there).

I feel really bad though that our DD may end up with this lump sum and my DSC will end up with nothing saved.

But then I also think, I can't afford to do it myself for all 3 so if DH isn't bothered, what can I do? I don't want to stop doing it for DD just because he isn't arsed. It was always something I wanted to do for at least as long as I could as my parents did it for me and it really helped when I got into adulthood.

Is it coming out of your money or family money? If it’s your own money, I don’t think it’s unreasonable - your DH could save for his children (as could their mother if she’s around).

If it’s family money then it should really be split between all the children.

No it comes out if my own disposable income each month, we pay bills and pay into savings for family things jointly and then have our own 'disposable' money left over.

If it's coming from your money then you are more than entitled to save for your child. You can't force your husband to do the same.

This will cause upset later so I think you should look at the famiky budget and factor savings and then have less disposable income.

I assume your dsc are older so Uni will come first for them. How does your dh plan on supporting them?

@lunar1

If it's coming from your money then you are more than entitled to save for your child. You can't force your husband to do the same.

No but I keep doubting myself and thinking maybe I should save the £80 3 ways instead but then think well why should I?! 😖

My husband will have to deal with it if there is any upset when the time comes I guess.

I have said to my husband that I think we should save for them multiple times but he just doesn't see the point and doesn't agree it's necessary.

I don't know what he's planning to do if they go to uni tbh. He does have some savings himself so I guess maybe he'd just have to pay out of that?

I also have no idea whether their mum is saving for them but it's not my business to ask obviously!

If it's making you feel uncomfortable, why don't you put £5 each away for them every month. When they are at the age you want them to have it make sure they know it's from you alone.

If it’s coming out of your money then crack on , the step children could well get money from their mothers side of the family anyway that your child won’t get .

i think you need to sit him down and re work the money so that you save for all of them. Maybe you and DH put more into the joint account and it comes out of that?

When your DSC are grown up and your DC inherits their money, the DSC will need to confront their Mum and Dad about the whereabouts of their money.

You are entitled to put away some of your money for your own DC. The DSC's future is their parents responsibility, not yours.

You do it if you can afford it. Your stepchildren have two parents who can do this if they wish and your partner doesn't seem bothered about it. I would carry on and save

@lunar1

If it's making you feel uncomfortable, why don't you put £5 each away for them every month. When they are at the age you want them to have it make sure they know it's from you alone.

I could do this. However, given their ages, by the time they turned 18, they wouldn't have a huge amount. One is only 8 years off 18 and the other is not far behind so it's about £500 each. Better than nothing though I guess.

If it’s out of your own money then so what?

They have their own mum to save for them just like your DD has you. This is money for your DD from you, her mum.

If your DH puts money away though, remember he needs to make sure he does it for all 3 of them. The difference is that you’re mum to 1 and he’s dad to 3. So whatever he puts away from his own pocket should be split 3 ways. Your pocket, only 1 way.

When your DSC are grown up and your DC inherits their money, the DSC will need to confront their Mum and Dad about the whereabouts of their money

This is how I feel about it now tbh. I feel like saying to DH, fine I won't bring it up again but I'm not making any excuses for you when they come asking where their savings are.

And I'm definitely not stopping doing it for DD because he can't be arsed. That isn't an option.

I think £500 would be a lovely gift from you and more than generous.

I was in a crappy situation at that age, my mum and stepdads income was assessed for university, but they wouldn't contribute so my options were extremely limited. So to me, just the fact that you are considering this is extremely kind.

£500 is an amazing amount of money to help get set up for uni, or driving lessons etc.

You're not being unreasonable OP. Continue to save for your child (if you can) and don't feel guilty about it.

Ensuring that your step children have savings is the responsibility of their parents, not you.

Not unreasonable at all, it’s for their parents to deal with any fallout. It’s not your place to save for them.

@funinthesun19

If it’s out of your own money then so what?

They have their own mum to save for them just like your DD has you. This is money for your DD from you, her mum.

If your DH puts money away though, remember he needs to make sure he does it for all 3 of them. The difference is that you’re mum to 1 and he’s dad to 3. So whatever he puts away from his own pocket should be split 3 ways. Your pocket, only 1 way.

This, the argument on mumsnet is always to treat stepchildren 100% equally to biological ones, this makes sense only if you have sole custody.

I think what would need to happen would be a discussion with his DCs mum about savings. He could contribute to whatever she is saving for them so that when it comes to it they end up with the same.

I forgot to add, if he doesn't do this then that's not your responsibility to make him. They're his kids.

@sqirrelfriends

I forgot to add, if he doesn't do this then that's not your responsibility to make him. They're his kids.

Yeah see I just know he won't. I have tried before. But he doesn't see the need and just bats it off. That's why I'm instead stressing and thinking I should do something but then think well why?!

Worry about your DD and if he can't be bothered well you can just say well I told you so!

When you talked about it did he just say ‘yeah ok’ and then never did anything?

Was you waiting for him to come up to you with the money or say he has set an account up?

Is he proactive about this stuff or does he just let you get on with it?

Because if you don’t specifically say - ‘ ‘today I started putting money away for dd and I will not be spitting it three ways’ - he might see it as you’ve gone behind his back and as your married it’s a split asset.

How horrible would it be if you divorced and he went for half of that money - could be thousands. I would not be putting any money on to a normal account only ones that’s heavily protected and he can’t get his hands on it.

He’s not bothered, you are. You’re doing great. They have two parents who could save for them but ate choosing not to. Life isn’t fair.