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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Saving money for just my DC.

92 replies

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 16:31

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but I feel really guilty about it, but at the same time think, well what can I do if DH won't change anything?

Basically I have 2DSC and 1DC together.

I've mentioned before to DH that we should maybe put some money away each month for DSC but he's never been fussed about the idea or taken it further. However, I've made it clear to him that I will be doing it for our DC.

I am currently putting about £80 a month in an account for my DD and plan to do so (if I can obviously) until they are around 18 which will leave them about £17,000.

I've mentioned DH doing it for DSC again but again, he's not bothered to do anything and doesn't see the need (he gives them bits of money here and there).

I feel really bad though that our DD may end up with this lump sum and my DSC will end up with nothing saved.

But then I also think, I can't afford to do it myself for all 3 so if DH isn't bothered, what can I do? I don't want to stop doing it for DD just because he isn't arsed. It was always something I wanted to do for at least as long as I could as my parents did it for me and it really helped when I got into adulthood.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Charles11 · 11/08/2020 17:07

How about asking your dh to up his contribution to joint income by £50 a month then that can get transferred to savings for the dc. £30 for the eldest, £20 for the younger. Or whatever he can afford.
If he can’t be bothered then you just carry on with your own plans for your dc.

Original poster

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 17:13

He would leave it to me yes. However, he also doesn't see the need to put savings away, doesn't think it's necessary, his parents never did it for him and he's fine etc etc...

He also knows full well that I'm saving for DD, I made that as clear as possible when I started, even before we TTC that I'd be doing it for any future DC even if he wouldn't.

OP posts:

Original poster

TooTTootY · 11/08/2020 17:13

He's got quite a 'work for your money' type mindset tbh which I think is why he's not as bothered.

I agree but I don't think a helping hand is a bad thing.

OP posts:

Molteni · 11/08/2020 17:19

I don’t see the problem really. You’re perfectly entitled to save money for your child. No reason to feel guilty. It’s their father that can’t be bothered to save money for them. He should, it’s the right thing to do. My parents divorced when I was 2. Step-sibling the same age. I think it’s fair to say that financially I got the far better deal. No resentment between us.

AnaadiNitya · 11/08/2020 17:25

I think this money is potentially going to cause a lot of upset in the future so make sure it’s an a protected saving account that can’t be accessed till she turns 18

aSofaNearYou · 11/08/2020 17:28

Not unreasonable at all.

BertieDrapper · 11/08/2020 18:15

I have a step mum and step dad - both been in my life since I was a young child.

If either one of them had been saving for their biological child and not me I wouldn't care less! Wouldn't even occur to me that they would!
In fact my step dad received a sizeable inheritance recently, I know he gave his bio kids a large sum each but my brother and I haven't received anything - and I don't think we should! Course it would be nice to be thought of but certainly not expected.

We are not their responsibility.
Save for your DD and please don't give it a second thought.

Edinburghfalls · 11/08/2020 18:26

I wouldn’t worry about this. They have two parents who can take action on their behalf if they so choose. I certainly wouldn’t not do it for my own child.
They will be a lot older once your child is 18. If your DCs are mid/late twenties I don’t see why they are even need to find out.

lunar1 · 11/08/2020 18:40

Forget about saving equally, your husband isn't interested. Save what you intend to for your child and then think separately about your step children.

Decide if you want to do something for them and make a decision on if you have the troupe of relationship where you want to gift them something. Hell, even £2.50 a month is an absolutely lovely gesture down the line.

You aren't obligated to save anything, it's not family money. It's clearly something important to do, and a token from you to them might make you feel better about your child's gift later on.

You sound like a lovely step mum to be so considerate of their feelings and future.

SandyY2K · 11/08/2020 19:21

Just carry on as you are... if he doesn't see the need to put money away for them, then so be it.

BTW giving an 18 year old a lump sum of £17k should be thought about. Or did you mean to use the money for them to go to Uni...driving lessons etc..or actually hand over the cash ?..

That's a lot of money.

ivfdreaming · 11/08/2020 19:24

Their mother could have thousands stashed away for them and so actually you'd be putting your child at a disadvantage by scrimping for the money to save 3 ways

It's not your responsibility

Giespeace · 11/08/2020 19:30

Whatever you do, don’t split your own money three ways. Your DSCs mother could be sitting on a next egg of £1million for all you know and you’d have taken from your own child to give to hers.

You’ve done your bit by talking about it but it’s really not your responsibility and you shouldn’t feel bad about what other people choose to provide (or not) for their children.
As for worry about bad feeling - as long as all three are treated equally by their father then there’s really no grounds for bad feeling. If he saves for one then he saves for three. If he saves for none of them then they are still all equal.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/08/2020 19:32

Totally reasonable. Don't feel guilty and please don't listen to the bullcrap about it being your responsibility to make everything equal. Your stepkids are not your problem financially. They have two parents to support them.

HollowTalk · 11/08/2020 19:34

Why are people suggesting she saves for her step children, when their own father can't be bothered to do it? She's saving for her own child out of her spare money - he's presumably spending his spare money on himself.

I'd keep going, OP, and just wouldn't feel the need to confide in my step children in the future that your daughter has that money.

chubbyhotchoc · 11/08/2020 19:36

Not unreasonable at all. I only pay for my dc, the skids have their own parents to save or not save for them.

Love51 · 11/08/2020 19:41

Slightly off topic, but be wary of putting large sums of money in a child's name that they can access at 18. Many 18 year olds are a bit daft. If it is in their name, it is their money. You may want to consider keeping it in your own name and giving it when you are happy with the child's intentions.

Frankola · 11/08/2020 19:47

Carry on saving for your DC out of your money. I do this for my DD and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

If my SDs mum wants to save for her she can do.

My DH has savings accounts for SD and our DD that he also puts equal amounts into.

user1493413286 · 11/08/2020 19:51

I save money for our DD and DS although not as much as you and in all honesty it’s never occurred to me to put money away for DSD which I suddenly feel a bit bad about but like you my DH isn’t bothered about doing it and I can’t afford to do it for them all. I do happen to know that DSD has a fair amount of savings though from family members giving money which hasn’t happened with our DC so I don’t feel too and her mum May be doing it already

Fisharefriendstoo · 11/08/2020 19:57

Just keep the money for your child. You have raised it with him and he isn’t doing anything so I wouldn’t feel more guilt.

I would be careful of him trying to use future joint funds in the future to make up for this though. So you have spent years saving out of your disposable income and then he will use family money to try balance the scale with his kids.

Mywifeandkids1 · 11/08/2020 20:01

I personally would split that 3 ways. So sad that the children aren’t seen as the same. My DH treats my DD as his own and wouldn’t dream of saving for his DS without my DD. We are a family, I’d work it in the whole if the budget so make the saving for DC a bill. It’s up to you obviously but I think it’s very sad.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 11/08/2020 20:10

WHY IS IT SAD???!!! The stepkids have two parents to save for them. Or maybe the stepkids mum should also save for the OP's daughter as well to make it truly equal??

Give me strength 🙄

Northernsoullover · 11/08/2020 20:21

No fecking way would I save for my partners children. Their dad is saving for them. I'm saving for mine. Their mother is also saving for his children. Should she be slipping my children a few quid too? Its not sad its life.

Giespeace · 11/08/2020 20:23

So sad that the children aren’t seen as the same
They aren’t the same. They have a different set of parents. This isn’t sad. This is legal, moral and biological fact.

Maybe83 · 11/08/2020 20:47

We have fully joint finances and dont work it out that we have equal amounts each so to speak left over.

As it happens we hadnt saved for the older two separately as they grew up. We discussed doing it for our joint child when born but as the others were much older by then we probably wouldn't have had time to balance it out.

So we decided that we wouldnt do so for our joint child.

We have agreed things that we will contribute to for each child when they need it.

We have paid driving lessons, contributions towards car, insurance, holidays. There will be uni also. We will do that for each of them and also give them money when they need it towards house deposits. It comes out of our joint savings.

We never consider what the older children may or may not get from their other parents when we make decisions like this. For us it's out of our control and we have always taken the approach that we cant control what happens outside of our home and once we treat them as equally as we can, thats all we can do.

If he feels this is unimportant that is up to him to do what he sees fit with his left over money. Obviously if you have separate money it's up to you what you do with it but I think it's more about the lack of agreement on parenting decisions than the actual money.

I agree ultimately it's for your dh to have that discussion with his children when the time comes if it does cause problems.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/08/2020 21:03

Maybe you could chuck OP some extra cash then Mywifeandkids1

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