Saving money for just my DC.

[TooTTootY]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but I feel really guilty about it, but at the same time think, well what can I do if DH won't change anything?

Basically I have 2DSC and 1DC together.

I've mentioned before to DH that we should maybe put some money away each month for DSC but he's never been fussed about the idea or taken it further. However, I've made it clear to him that I will be doing it for our DC.

I am currently putting about £80 a month in an account for my DD and plan to do so (if I can obviously) until they are around 18 which will leave them about £17,000.

I've mentioned DH doing it for DSC again but again, he's not bothered to do anything and doesn't see the need (he gives them bits of money here and there).

I feel really bad though that our DD may end up with this lump sum and my DSC will end up with nothing saved.

But then I also think, I can't afford to do it myself for all 3 so if DH isn't bothered, what can I do? I don't want to stop doing it for DD just because he isn't arsed. It was always something I wanted to do for at least as long as I could as my parents did it for me and it really helped when I got into adulthood.

What would your husband say if you said, "Let's put £150 per month each (or whatever) into the joint account and use that £300 to split between three different savings accounts for the children"?

@TooTTootY given how long you’ve been in their lives, I do think saving for all is best, saying that your DH should also be contributing to the savings of your DC child too! If he really won’t save for any of them then do what your doing but I would make a point of letting them know it’s from you, and you alone, not to spite your DH but to protect the Dsc feelings.

I don’t think DSC should feel entitled to their SP’s money at all.

My older DC don’t have and won’t inherit anything from DP or his family. I wouldn’t expect them to. And DP and his family are their only extended family their father definitely won’t be leaving anything for them.

My DC without DP have trust funds set up for them by DP’s family.

It’s none of my older DC’s business or mine actually. By the time my younger DC come into their inheritance their older siblings will be long independent and god willing well established in good careers.

Why would my older dc want or expect money from step relatives? I’d hope I hadn’t bought up such grabby children.

But OP your H sounds a bit crap. Does he realise the size of the lump sum your shared DC will get?

@TooTTootY

But my point is, what do I do if DH won't do it? Do you think I should split my £80 between the 3 of them?

No. Save it for your own DD.

You can’t be expected to provide financially for your step children in the same way. Your husband should of course treat all his children equally. But they aren’t your children, and as you say they also have a mother to provide for them.

What is the money for? It would be crazy to give an 18 year old that kind of money. Is it to pay university fees? If it’s for them to spend then I can see how this might chaise some ripples, if your per child buys herself a flash car for her eighteenth when her half brother and sister got a watch.

But if it’s to cover something sensible like education, or to be held u to, she is older for a house deposit then it’s really none of the other kids business.

Your husband will however need to consider how he will contribute to university etc for all his children.

To add to @frazzledasarock's very good point, my daughter is set to inherit 5 figures from her grandparents when she's 18. Should she share that with her stepbrothers because otherwise it's unfair? Absolutely not.

Just to clarify, I don't plan to just give it to her. I meant I would stop saving when she was 18. I would give it to her for something like university/house deposit.

@TooTTootY I explained what we have opted to do for our children. Not that you have to do it for yours.

I think its actually a pretty big parenting decision to disagree on to be honest.

I also dont see why you are responsible for saving it your self. How is the costs for your dd managed? Do they come from your joint acc? If so this should be included in that.

You cant make him do anything but I would sit down again and explain that you dont want to feel bad about something that should be a positive thing for your dd and that you want it added as joint expense to the household with a contribution for your step children and you want it taken direct debit from the joint account.

If he disagrees there is little you can do but carry on as you are.

Op - I think this is one of those scenarios where you need to stand back, detach & work on your own boundaries.
You are saving for your child, your sdc who have two parents are not your financial responsibility. End of. That's the boundary - no matter what others on here will say to you. Having this boundary doesn't make you an uncaring person - far from it.
However,
I've copied this from a post upthread as I think it's important
I would be careful of him trying to use future joint funds in the future to make up for this though. So you have spent years saving I would be careful of him trying to use future joint funds in the future to make up for this though. So you have spent years saving out of your disposable income and then he will use family money to try balance the scale with his kids.

I agree with Magda. In a few short years the step children could be in university. This will be an expensive time and I assume their dad will want to help with costs.

He should be preparing now for that. If your daughter goes to university the money you have saved will be a big help with fees and living expensive. Can he afford to contribute to the other two? Is if off the hook with your child because you have saved for this?

We don’t actually know that dad isn’t pretty financially comfortable but has chosen not to save. He might manage fine when his kids go to uni.

I find the suggestion of OP saving for everyone so hypocritical. If OP wanted to raise an issue of education, health etc she would be reminded she isn’t the parent. As usual on MN it’s when it suits SP to have involvement. There is no consistency.

I do agree though that OP needs to ensure this is not viewed by any stretch as shared money. Presumably the fact it’s in SD’s name is sufficient for that. Also I imagine OP will be trustee so any withdrawals be via her. For my own sons account I am the only trustee. Not because I don’t trust DH but because I set it up.

It totally depends on whether you are left with the exact same disposable income. For instance, is his maintenance counted out the bills or he pays it out of his disposable income. Do you both have exactly the same amount to spend exactly as you both wish each month?

Also, depends a bit on income. If he earns £50k and you only earn £10k, although it might still be fair you divide equally, it might not be as much if say he would prefer you up your hours to earn more but you insisted to work only few hours a week.

If however he prefers to play golf, have a football season tickets and her off with friends for weekends away when you cut down on fun money to save £80 then, that's different.

So really it all depends on the circumstances.

OP I have just set up to do the same for my son. Such a good idea. I’m not going it for my SS. My DH and his Mum are perfectly capable of taking care of him themselves.

I can see where your husband is coming from. I don’t see the need to save for kids. If you want to fine, but it’s not essential. I’d rather focus on my own savings, and in the future, if they need help, I’ll be in a position to help them out.

Y do u care? It’s sounds very thoughtful but honestly y do u care? They are not your children. Find yourself another more worthy crusade and forget all about this. Your making a problem out of nothing.

I echo the views of the majority of posters OP- save for your child, your partners kids are not your responsibility. For all you know, your step kids’ mother/family have their own savings accounts for their children and I doubt very much they’ve given your daughter a second thought! Please don’t feel guilty.