Saving money for just my DC.

[TooTTootY]

I don't think I'm being unreasonable here but I feel really guilty about it, but at the same time think, well what can I do if DH won't change anything?

Basically I have 2DSC and 1DC together.

I've mentioned before to DH that we should maybe put some money away each month for DSC but he's never been fussed about the idea or taken it further. However, I've made it clear to him that I will be doing it for our DC.

I am currently putting about £80 a month in an account for my DD and plan to do so (if I can obviously) until they are around 18 which will leave them about £17,000.

I've mentioned DH doing it for DSC again but again, he's not bothered to do anything and doesn't see the need (he gives them bits of money here and there).

I feel really bad though that our DD may end up with this lump sum and my DSC will end up with nothing saved.

But then I also think, I can't afford to do it myself for all 3 so if DH isn't bothered, what can I do? I don't want to stop doing it for DD just because he isn't arsed. It was always something I wanted to do for at least as long as I could as my parents did it for me and it really helped when I got into adulthood.

Have you and DH written wills @TooTTootY

Just to make sure that what happens with your estate would happen if you for first ?

This is a really interesting discussion.

I only have DSCs at the moment. I've always thought that when DP and I have DCs, I would treat them equally. However, recently my DMIL changed her Will and has included her children and grandchildren, to receive equal amounts. It is possible to plan for future grandchildren in a Will, but she categorically told me that she will not be including any children DP and I have as they will 'get what DP leaves me'.

I had always presumed I would leave everything I had between DSCs and DCs, but now feel that would be entirely unfair, given that even their grandmother (sole GP on this side of things) wouldn't be equal.

I am now leaning towards the idea that DSCs have their own parents, and it is not down to me to be equal. Their parents can provide for them.

(FWIW, I will not be receiving all of DP's estate; I prepare Wills and his share would be in Trust for my benefit, but ultimately to his children. So it's not like I can do a runner with the cash!!)

@chocolatesaltyballs22 chill out darling. It’s sad because when you become a blended family that’s generally what you do. Blend. Treat all the kids different and watch them resent you later on in life. If my husband treated my daughter different to our son, I’d get a new husband. Don’t see how the DSCs mum is relevant at all.

Patronising much. Everyone's circumferences are different. We have no joint children. He pays for his kids, I pay for mine. Simple. Works for us and many others like us. But I guess you think that's sad darling.

[quote Mywifeandkids1]@chocolatesaltyballs22 chill out darling. It’s sad because when you become a blended family that’s generally what you do. Blend. Treat all the kids different and watch them resent you later on in life. If my husband treated my daughter different to our son, I’d get a new husband. Don’t see how the DSCs mum is relevant at all.[/quote]
That's all very well and good but what do I do if my husband disagrees with me that it's necessary to save for them? Do I just not save for my DC because he won't for his?

I don't have enough myself to put the same amount away for all of them (and even if I did, it would be no where near as much as they are older so not as long to save for) and I can't make DH use his money if he doesn't want to.

Your DSC have two parents who are at liberty to do the same for them. Would your DSC’s Mum feel bad? No. Neither should you.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 angry much? 🤣
A little different if neither of you have a child together, also if everything is exactly 50/50. If you can only afford to do something due to your partner propping you up technically they are contributing anyway. If you went on holiday would it be right my DH only pay for our child and not his DSC?

@TooTTootY my kids grandparents save for them both, exactly the same, one is their DSGC, one is DGC. One will obviously have more than the other due to them being older when they became a part of their life. You obviously feel a little bad about it, or you wouldn’t have posted

I love the assumption that every man props up his wife financially.

So we decided that we wouldnt do so for our joint child

This is not an option for me. I don't see why I can't do something that is important to me for my child because DH decided not to do it for his before I was even around.

And he is not 'propping me up'. We have our own money each month that we spend on what we want, I chose this, he does other things. I contribute fairly to the household and we always split things like holidays as they come out of our joint savings account that we put an amount into each month.

I do feel bad but I don't know what my option is if DH won't do it?

Your option is not to feel bad. It's not your problem. If the stepkids are going to resent anyone later in life it'll be their actual parents. And like someone else said, why do they need to know what money you're giving your daughter?

I don't see why I can't do something that is important to me for my child because DH decided not to do it for his before I was even around.

Absolutely. Like many things you do what YOU think is best for your child as their Mother. You can’t force the parents of your DSC to do something you think they ought to do, nor should they stop you from doing something you think is important.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 wtf I never said man. You need to chill

@TooTTootY
I didn’t say he was. If he left and you could pay all bills and still save £80 for DC then no of course hes not

sad because when you become a blended family that’s generally what you do. Blend.

Ahh that will be why your children will also be inheriting from your DSC’s mothers side of the family.... Oh wait.

@TooTTootY well you obviously wanted opinions to write on here and I just gave you mine, me, DH and our kids are all one family and the kids will all be treated the same, what my DCs other parent does when she is there is also up to them. That’s my opinion.

If he left and you could pay all bills and still save £80 for DC then no of course hes not

That's a bizarre analogy, most people would have less disposable income if they split with a spouse. There would be things DH couldn't do if I left and he had to pay all the bills it doesn't mean I 'prop him up'.

But my point is, what do I do if DH won't do it? Do you think I should split my £80 between the 3 of them?

Also I haven't mentioned their mum other than to say I don't know whether she saves for them or not. Not my business.

I've tried to encourage DH to do it but he isn't interested and doesn't think its necessary, I disagree but if he refuses 🤷‍♀️

@TooTTootY I think it’s pretty shit he doesn’t want to, when you give DC this money, will you say it’s from mum and dad ? Or just you, because his children will probably see that as their dad saved for one child and not them, even if that wasn’t the case. Like I said before I’d make all savings a bill, so it comes out the joint pot before you each split what is left, if he refuses that’s just shit and I don’t know.

How long have you and your DH been together @TooTTootY ? I'm assuming your DSC are about 10/12 from what you posted earlier? How old is your DC?

If you've been together since your SC were tiny and they see you as a parent rather than a step parent then I'd say that you should save for them all, because you've been in their life more than you haven't. If it's more recent then a token amount if you can afford it.

I don't have any step parents but I think I would feel hurt if I did and they got something and I got nothing. If there's a significant age difference between them then you don't need to say anything. Just save a little money up and give it to them when you deem it appropriate and say that when you were able to, you put a bit aside and that's that. No need to discuss amounts

It’s not your problem what the SC parents do. Keep saving the amount for your child alone. No need to mention it to them ever. Their dad will have to answer in the future if they hear of it, but it’s not their business.

I say this as someone who started saving for uni funds for a SC as I’d read about the parental contribution many years ago. Her father did jack shit about it. I’m feeling pleased I did as she’s off to uni this year and there is no way we’d have spare money (wages cut by 50%) now to give her, but it’s all pre saved so we don’t have to worry about it

Well yes I agree it's shit, hence why I've tried to encourage it multiple times.

They are 10 &just about to turn 12. I met them 5 years ago. Our DC is under 1, I've been saving since about 4 months as I'd planned to do it straight away pretty much.

Oh and no I don't mind telling DD it's from me alone!

Carry on doing what you're doing OP. There are always the skewed views on this board that unless you ruin yourself financially for someone else's kids in a bid for everything to be equal, you are the evil stepmum. Most posters have given you solid and balanced advice.