Why is it bad to go on holiday without DSC

[TerenceToo]

Genuinely not trying to be goady but sure it will come across like this and inspired by another thread. Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?

When I was young I never questioned my dad going away with his wife without us. I only asked for something to be brought back as a gift. We went on holiday with mum (and much less frequently). I'm not sure I feel anything about it as an adult either i.e. should I be upset that dad never took us on holiday? I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Anyway is it only acceptable for me to take my DC on holiday without DP if that holiday cannot accommodate DSC? This is new territory for me so I'm all ears.

You don't have to be upset that you weren't taken away.

But if you think about all the things holidays do, it's definitely better if DSC are taken. Time together, relaxing, doing things you wouldn't do normally, 'quality time', fun, eating out etc. They are all lovely. DD says some of her happiest memories are those on holiday. That's a great thing for children to remember.

I've been a SM for several years and have never been on holiday with my DSC. We don't really take that many holidays, but it tends to be either DH and me go, or DH takes DSC and I stay home (I have no kids). The sorts of things I prefer to spend my time and money on / places I like to go aren't always child-friendly, and DSC prefer it when they have DHs undivided attention doing stuff they enjoy. We've done the odd weekend away to visit family, and lots of days out all together but no actual holidays. As far as I'm aware DSC have never questioned it / complained. I really think it depends on what works for individual families and all the personalities involved. Maybe it would be different if I had my own, as I'd be going on child-friendly holidays anyway. I can see how e.g.taking one set of children on a fun filled holiday to Spain or to Disneyland could be unfair,/upsetting, but I'm not sure many children would be devastated at missing out on a rainy weekend walking up hills in the UK!

Tbf I dont think it's a massive deal in the real world, just in MN. People forget the step children have another parent who they go on holiday with.

I agree with you OP, I don't think it needs to be a problem. I think a lot of people assume it's always as simple as the OP and their partner paying for the holiday and choosing not to take the step children. I've yet to go on holiday with just my DP (and DD), it's usually somewhere we've been invited to by family, often paid for by them. We're not well off.

I do take issue with the mindset you've mentioned when people start arguing that you cannot holiday with family/friends on the step parents side, who don't have a relationship with DSC, without them. Or worse, that said family/friends should morally be obliged to invite or pay for the step children. This argument is often voiced on MN and is incredibly unfair and entitled in my opinion.

It's really not bad, but if you're a SM it appears to be one of the deadliest of sins on MN.

We have 3 kids between us of varying ages and interests. For us to find a holiday that we would all enjoy would be a challenge. We have had hols with none, one or two of the stepkids. Never one with all of them together. The kids all get holidays with their other parents. To expect everything to be absolutely equal in a blended family arrangement is unrealistic in my opinion.

My step kids are adults now and aren't at all bothered that we had a few holidays without them. I'm not talking about jetting off to exotic places, we've only ever been camping or to caravan parks. We had a few holidays before I had kids with their dad, a couple with just the young ones (there's a 10 & 7 year age gap between my step kids and my eldest) and then we didn't actually go on holiday for years. By then the step kids were teens so we asked them if they wanted to come. One did, one didn't.
They went on some holidays with their mum too. They came with us when we went to visit my mum who lived in another county etc, so they were included with my family stuff.

Like I said, they were never bothered, we did lots of other stuff with them, and they went on holiday with their cousins (my husbands sisters family) and my kids weren't invited - because the cousins were their age, not my kids age.

I have laughed with my step daughter over some of the ridiculousness on MN about step parents. She still won't call me "Oh Evil One" though.

I’ve been on holiday with my boyfriend without his children, but I don’t know how comfortable I’d feel if we had a child in the future and then went on holiday with that child but without his older children. I guess it would depend a little bit on where we went, but I think they’d feel differently about that to how they feel about just the two of us going away.

Having said that, when I was a child we went away almost every year without my dad’s other two children. They went abroad with their mum and their step dad and they didn’t seem to mind that they didn’t come with us.

I love holidays that is what I spend my disposable income on and I love taking my kids to different places. My exH has taken our DD on hol once but goes away plenty with his DP. I feel sad for my DD that she never goes (especially the time they went to Disney!) I think is a great chance for quality family time, bit she never seems bothered as long as they bring her a pressie back!

I think generally it's ok. Where it's a bit sad is if a SC is left behind and their parent/step parent and half siblings go away without them and they don't go away with the resident parent

I agree that MN makes far more of an issue of DSC than I've ever seen in RL.

Not one DSC that I know in RL has been the centre of every family they stay with and had the biggest rooms and every holiday going. And not 1 of them has ever (to my knowledge) expressed anger, feelings of inadequacy or felt left out.

I do t think deliberate exclusion is acceptable. But I've certainly seen cases where both Karen's have same AL and both offer holidays and child cannot go on both. MN would have you say the SM and dad should go and take their kids as it's. it fair.
RL tells me that everyone gets a holiday and so that's actually fairer.

My friend who's a SM always had her DSD down for school holidays (she's a teacher). She spent more time with her than her dad because his job was long hours. She shared a room with her eldest half sibling and was very much part of the furniture. She actually commented one day that she preferred being "just one of them" than treated like a visitor.

I feel sad for my DD that she never goes (especially the time they went to Disney!)

Now that is a dick move.

The reason my dc get upset when their Dad, SM and siblings go on holiday is because they say things like "we can't have you this weekend because we're going on a family holiday" and it's as if they aren't part of the family. Plus they see it as their step/ half siblings get to live with their dad all the time and they're lucky if he sees them for 6 hours per week. So it's likely in my dcs case that the lack of holiday is part of a bigger picture as to how they are treated.

OP did you feel part of your fathers family. As much as the other children?

My husband went on holidays with his Dad and Step mum and all the children together - it’s always the special memories he has of growing up.
His parents had a hugely messy divorce (dad left for OW) and his Mum controlled regular access because she didn’t want him with the OW. Which growing up meant that he had a hugely fractured relationship - at nearly 50 it has massively affected him.
BUT it’s meant the one stable thing was he was always included on the holidays with Step Siblings and half siblings - yes it meant they couldn’t go abroad and it was camping and trips to Cornwall etc due to cost. The special photos on the wall are of them all.
It meant for him regardless of his parents issues he felt part of something a family. It gave him some stability in a sea of mess by the adults being selfish.
I wish people just sometimes didn’t think of just what they need and think of what children actually need & the importance of the tiny things.

MN has a very black and white view of families and step parents. We'll be taking toddler DD to peppa pig World but I doubt 16yr old DSS will be into that. It will likely be a weekend away due to distance. DsS had an expensive paint balling trip with DH before lockdown and was taken to America by his mum and extended families. By MN standards I'm a monster for not suggesting he come for breakfast with peppa and George but I think DSS will probably live! Kids are allowed to have different interest and not everyone needs to go on every holiday. I agree that deliberate exclusion is horrible and yes I guess if he really did want to see peppa we could accomodate it but I'd rather everyone did something they genuinely enjoy rather than trying to pigeon hole us into the same holiday.

I never went on holiday with my dad and stepmom ever.

When we were dating , we took several trips alone. If we took children, we took all of the kids. We did not live together until we got married, and prior to getting married , we each took out own children on trips without the other partner and kids.

If we choose to do anything as a family all of the kids go along. If we choose to do something as a couple, we do not take any of the kids.

Both sets of kids, get to travel with their other bio parent/grandparents,etc. Those people are free to handle travel as they see fit. We do not try to equalize what happens in any household but our own.

Even though we are married, we have since being married taken a mom/dad trip with our individual children. A mom or dad trip is not considered a family trip and only involves the parent and the bios.

Tbh, life is complex enough, and I am a firm believer in not adding any unnecessary stress. All of the children know that we have family time, couples time, and mom or dad time. If any kid feels the need for more mom or dad time, they are encouraged to ask for it.
We have also recently started girls and guys trips where I will take the girls on a weekend get away and he takes the boys. The kids get to choose a nearby location for these trips. The only restriction is that it cannot be more than 3 hours away by car or plane . We both do a great deal of travel for work and have many frequent flyer miles. We use these frequent flyer miles for the weekend trips with the kids. We see it as compensation to them for our having to do travel for work.

In the real world it's hardly an issue but for some on MN step children are golden and must have everything while you feed second families on gruel.

I think it all depends.

In my own experience, it wasn’t the fact that my ex’s child went on holiday with their mum. It’s a separate family unit so whatever that family unit does is nothing to do with the other family unit.
It’s the fact that his child went on holidays and days out with his parents and our children were never invited to anything, ever. So the inequalities and divide were already glaringly obvious between the children just because of his parents. I didn’t really feel guilty that we went on a little Haven holiday one year without his dc. ExMil went mad about it though .

My brother and I were very hurt by all the holidays our dad had with his wife's child and not us. It's not about the holiday, it's about being included in your dads life.

I was the sc in this situation and can vouch for it leading to a sense of fractured families if you never holiday together.

My df, sm and half brother go on big exotic holidays most years (think African safaris, Australians outback tours, machu pichu) which my full db and I were never invited on. I was hurt as a teen and university student when I was dependent on them but as I grew up and became independent it mattered less.

But it has led me to not be very close to my half brother at all. I think partly because we don’t have many shared memories as each holiday he was off exploring the world while I stayed around home hanging out with my other brother and other cousins.

How little I think of him as part of my family came to ahead earlier in the year, when I very nearly forgot to invite him to a memorial service for our grandmother. In retrospect I think he has lost something too in not having had that time to foster a relationship with his siblings and grown up pretty much as an only which maybe isn’t made up by having seen lions and elephants in the wild.

I think a couple going away on holiday is totally different we have done previously however its when the joint children or the sm children go on holiday and then df children are excluded thats when its unfair or hurtful for the dc regardless if they go away with their dm its about building a relationship and having those memories with BOTH parents not just one not to think they were considered important enough to go with them.

Sorry it's not clear from your op. Who is going on this proposed holiday?

I can assure you that this is very much a big deal in real life and not just a ‘Mumsnet crime’ Growing up my friend was always excluded from holidays with her dad, stepmother and two half sisters. She still had holidays with her mum but it really, really hurt to be left out of an important family event when the ‘official’ line was that she was part of their family unit. Her dad was a spineless coward who didn’t care about her feelings and her stepmother was callous and spiteful and didn’t want my friend to take any attention away from ‘her’ kids.
If there are no other children involved it doesn’t seem too hurtful to leave the kids at home (provided the holiday doesn’t interfere with usual contact) but you absolutely cannot take only one lot of children. It is so cruel.

Her dad was a spineless coward who didn’t care about her feelings and her stepmother was callous and spiteful and didn’t want my friend to take any attention away from ‘her’ kids.

As she hated them so much one wonders why she’d have wanted to go away with them. And/or how a holiday could possibly have changed her mind about their many failings.