Why is it bad to go on holiday without DSC

[TerenceToo]

Genuinely not trying to be goady but sure it will come across like this and inspired by another thread. Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?

When I was young I never questioned my dad going away with his wife without us. I only asked for something to be brought back as a gift. We went on holiday with mum (and much less frequently). I'm not sure I feel anything about it as an adult either i.e. should I be upset that dad never took us on holiday? I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Anyway is it only acceptable for me to take my DC on holiday without DP if that holiday cannot accommodate DSC? This is new territory for me so I'm all ears.

My ex goes away every year with his partner and doesnt take our children or his partners son.
But he has an annual Merlin pass and takes them on lots of days to theme parks with that. I take them on holidays every year because I love to travel and would rather do that than spend money on anything else.
So I think it's odd he would rather spend his annual leave with only his partner who he lives with rather than his children he only sees 4 days a month but the children have never been bothered. They have said that they are lucky as their dad takes them on lots of day trips and I take them on holiday.
Their dads partner has a son though and if they took him on holiday I think that would be devastating to my boys that they were being left out. I dont think that will ever happen though as my ex doesnt like him.

We holiday without my DPs DC and just take mine. We would love to take them but unfortunately their DM will not confirm dates in advance (its usually agreed a few weeks before). So the reason for them not coming is completely down to her.

Now my DP and I plan holidays abroad and UK without even asking the ex if he can have the kids. My DC have lost out too many times before waiting around for her to agree to anything.

Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?
From my own and my children experience, it's because the hissy is not as much about the place and activities but about spending quality time with them.

My parents both worked ft as I do and my kids do too, so holidays were special as it was the time of the year when I could get more of their attention, more quality time, seeing them relaxed and having much fun together.

I didn't really care so much where we went as long as I enjoyed the above. Thankfully, my dad and SM always took me with them. My SM would probably have liked some holidays without me but my dad would have refused.

Sadly my kids dad didn't see it that way, considered that they had it good as Ive always taken them on nice holidays. They have never complained but ultimately, it contributed to them not getting as close to him as they should have and as young adults now, hardly ever see him.

I think new partners spending time together without any children is acceptable but if you’re having a family holiday, everyone needs to be invited. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to see other children spend more time with your other parent than you and then not be included in holidays. Even worse when there is a new sibling.

I can’t stand the ‘well, she went on holiday with her mum’ argument. It’s not the holiday, it’s about being included and being part of the family. So many new families treat children who don’t live their full time as an inconvenience.

I think it's fine for both parents to have holidays without their children. To be honest sometimes I think it's a necessity. Obviously each to their own and money providing, I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
Obviously the dad or mum took their younger children away with their other children from a previous marriage I think that's unfair. However also depends on the child, every situation is subjective, maybe the older child didn't want to go etc

As another counter argument, we took my youngest stepson on a hotel/pool holiday a couple of years back (my daughter went too) and all he wanted to do was sit gaming in his room every day. Total waste of money.

As she hated them so much one wonders why she’d have wanted to go away with them. And/or how a holiday could possibly have changed her mind about their many failings.
Well, perhaps it’s because of the way they acted that she hated them so much? Perhaps if they actually had made the effort she would have felt differently about them.

TBH I think it’s a difficult one. I don’t buy the argument that “they go away with their mum,” because holidays aren’t just about going to other places, they’re about spending time together, and in many instances the SM’s children go and the dad’s don’t, which just reinforces the idea that the father has new children to care for.

Also, how many times do parents arrange the holiday to go over their contact time with their DC? If you have a two week holiday then it stands to reason that you’re going to be expecting your children to stay with their other parent so you can have a holiday?

People are naive if they think that this doesn’t affect children in RL. I think it’s more likely that many children don’t say anything for fear of retribution, and parents seem to take the view that the children will be perfectly happy with it because they are. Much easier to do what you want when you don’t think about the kids.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 that would have driven me nuts. You see people defending children doing this on holiday on MN all the time but there is absolutely no way I would take a child who did this on holiday again until they grew out of this behaviour, and they would be told why. There were several occasions of me being a grumpy teenager and promptly being told I wouldn't be taken next time with that attitude, growing up.

I think the behaviour of the children in question is one of many reasons it's not always as simple as take them all or none.

My sons dad and I have a 50/50 arrangement so the past few years we have been fortunate that if we take "couple holidays" with our OHs we plan it around the days we dont have the children. Ie. 3 nights in Amsterdam. So in total over the 4 years I have been away with my OH 3 times and one of those was for a wedding, and likewise my sons dad has been away several times with his OH.

I haven't yet been able to go on a family holiday with my OH because up until this year he had erratic shifts, usually night ones and the days with his own son would be different all the time. We now have a settled routine where he has a new job, we have consistent days with our boys plus we have a baby on the way. We are planning to take a family holiday next year (once covid etc is calmer) with all the kids. I doubt we will have couple holidays for a long time now!

My ex has taken our son on holidqy abroad which I think was great because my son gets new memories, has a fab time, doesn't miss out and I couldn't afford to take him abroad so have at it. My ohs son we wont be seeing for a few weeks now because he us going on various holidays with his mums family. Are our sons bothered they're not going on the others holiday? No but then they have both grown up understanding theres different households and different plans etc.

Everyone's situations are different; different finance and work/childcare issues, different family types, age range of kids etc just work out what works for your family :)

Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?

For me, it's a sign that he is not prioritising his children, when it comes to how he is spending the time and money he has available.

I think it depends very much on whether other siblings (half/step) are involved, and also the closeness of the child to each side of the family. There's no right or wrong.

Speaking as a SC, I was immensely hurt when my DM and DSD took my younger half-brother to Greece when I was in my early teens, and I was left behind. I was at boarding school, and I think it was a bit of a "spur of the moment" trip, but they could have waited until I could go. No amount of souvenir clay donkeys made up for that one.

But if DDad and DSM went on holiday alone, without me, that was different. No other kids involved, just a grown up holiday of boring stuff!

I’m in a bit of a weird situation... I have a DD who is solely mine, her father lives abroad and has no contact, I also have a younger son who’s dad and grandparents take on holiday at least once a year.

I have two SCs (not siblings to my children as DH and I have no mutual DCs) who go on holiday a few times a year with their mum, her DP and without their stepdad’s kids.

My DP have never had a holiday on our peg but we did take all of our DCs away 2 years ago which was insanely expensive and quite frankly a nightmare. I got no quality time with my own DCs due to my SC’s demanding behaviour and it was actually quite sad for my DCs.

We haven’t had a holiday since, but my DD sees both her brother and stepsisters going on holidays whilst she is left behind.

My DCs also get limited time together due to my DS going to his dad’s house.

I want a holiday with my DCs and my DH. I don’t want to take my SCs because my DCs need a holiday together and time with me, just as my SCs get with their own mum and stepdad.

I’m paying for it and I’ve asked my DH to come too as I would like to holiday with him also. We’re planning on booking our week away for the same time that my SCs will be on holiday with their mum, so all of the children are having a holiday at the same time.

DH also takes his kids on trips without me and my DCs, and as I’ve mentioned my SCs holiday regularly with their stepdad and mum without their stepdad’s children.

However, after asking their mum what dates their holiday was she’s got wind of us booking our own holiday and has gone ballistic calling me selfish and the evil stepmother.

My DD hasn’t had a holiday in over 2 years and want my DH to come too. If we didn’t go without my SCs it would make it unaffordable for me meaning none of us could go, and again my DD would miss out whilst the other 3 children in the family get holidays.
Even if I could afford to (which I can’t) I don’t want to take them on this particular trip because I want a holiday catering to my DC’s needs only.

It’s a difficult one.

@SpongebobNoPants in your situation I would ignore the ex - it has nothing to do with her and you have to do what's right for your own children.

@AnneLovesGilbert

Her dad was a spineless coward who didn’t care about her feelings and her stepmother was callous and spiteful and didn’t want my friend to take any attention away from ‘her’ kids.

As she hated them so much one wonders why she’d have wanted to go away with them. And/or how a holiday could possibly have changed her mind about their many failings.

Clearly this is an adult reflection on the situation. As a child she loved her dad dearly and desperately wanted his acceptance and approval. As a child from a previous marriage who already didn’t spend a lot of time with her dad it was massively hurtful to be excluded from holidays, especially when she was always being told that she was a ‘big sister’ etc and yet only the younger girls got to spend quality time with their dad on holidays. Her dad admitted years later that his new wife didn’t want her there, but ultimately he couldn’t be bothered to fight for her.

IRL it's not an issue.

Here -
SC must ALWAYS go on every day trip or holiday in case you cause them irreparable trauma.

If you dont have the money you must take out a loan or remortgage your house so poor SC doesnt get upset.

It doesnt matter that SC have 2 birthdays, 2 christmas', 2 lots of holidays with both their parents every year compared to other kids just getting one lot of everything. SC must ALWAYS get everything taken on EVERYTHING from both households.

If you need to save some extra money so the SC can go away then just feed your children gruel or better yet, starve them, until you can pay for SC to go. This will also serve to remind them that FIRST FAMILY MUST ALWAYS COME FIRST. Perhaps you evil step mums too should starve yourselves to remember this lesson.

Whilst we are at it. Evil step mum must pay for anything that SC wants, whenever they want it. Regardless of them having no biological or financial responsibility for a child they didnt create. You chose to be with a man with kids so you must pay for them too...Again. If your own kids want something you must make sure you pay for SC stuff first. Your own kids should just do without!

Final rule. You must allow SC to dictate every second of the holiday including all food and activities.

I'm so glad MN isnt real life. But I do love these threads!

@SpongeBobNoPants you should definitely go, ignore the mother.

It doesnt matter that SC have 2 birthdays, 2 christmas', 2 lots of holidays with both their parents every year compared to other kids just getting one lot of everything. SC must ALWAYS get everything taken on EVERYTHING from both households

Why shouldn’t a child living across 2 separate households get to celebrate birthdays, Xmas, religious festivals Or go on days out or on holiday with both their parents? Are you suggesting that to make things fair to any other children, one parent shouldn’t buy their child gifts or have a party or make a turkey dinner? You are seeing things in terms of £££ and not quality time, sadly.

@Enoughnowstop I think you’ve missed the point. Its bizarre that it’s fine that SCs are allowed two of everything, but if a SM chooses to do something with or for her own children solely then she’s considered unfair or mean. In reality SCs get double the trips and presents etc so it’s ok for the other kids in their family unit to do things without them sometimes

Of course. But it is not OK to leave children out of family trips/events, is it?

I do not understand that decision to become involved with a man or woman who has children if you want to marginalize the children.

The world is filled with childless men and women, why not simply choose a childless man or woman as your partner or spouse?

I would never have married my husband if I thought that he would have objected to my children going on family vacations , and I would hope that he would not have married me if he thought that I would object to his children going on family vacations with us.

We only take family vacations when all of the children are available to go. Between us, we have 4 children , and neither of us want any more children. There will never be an " our child. " q

I can assure you that for some children no amount of birthdays and Christmases make up for being made to feel less than their father younger children.

You know I work with kids & I can honestly say that kids of separated/divorced parents are the most entitled/indulged I have EVER come across. And I include my own kids in that.
Generally speaking parents & extended families feel this ridiculous urge to overcompensate said kids for not growing up in a nuclear family & it does the kids no good as it's the wrong sort of attention. They grow up thinking the entire world revolves around them because they are so used to being "minded" (indulged) by everyone; they are made feel "special" for all the wrong reasons.
I'm not saying separation/divorce isn't hard on kids - of course it is (been there done that & worn the T-shirt) - but having them think that the way they subsequently get treated is down to being from a broken home robs them of their identities as people - they just become an extension of their parents' relationship breakdown which is actually really bad for them.
The best thing that ever happened to my kids was me twigging this & working on it time & time again. My kids are still more indulged than I would like (they got FIVE holidays one year between me, my family, exh & his family) but also much less than they could be.
My exh behaves in ways that many on here would yell & shout about, but in all honesty, with the passage of time & as I & my kids get older, I can see that his sometimes selfishness & absolute refusal to prioritise our kids over his second family has actually helped normalise family life (ie compromise & not always getting what you want) for our kids.
I need to lie down in a dark room now to recover from the knowledge that I've actually praised my exh!

But it is not OK to leave children out of family trips/events, is it?
It depends on the situation. I do things with one or both of my children, sometimes I do things with only one of my stepchildren at a time.
They do things with their own mum and I do things with my own DC.
A blanket rule of “all kids or no kids” just changes which children miss out. If I never did anything with my children without my SCs there then my DCs would be the ones missing out. My SCs do nice things with their mum and stepdad when they’re there, my children do nice things with me and their stepdad (SC’s dad) too.
All of which is ok

I can assure you that for some children no amount of birthdays and Christmases make up for being made to feel less than their father younger children.

What many of these threads also overlook is that many couples in a blended family situation don't actually have kids together. I have a child, my husband has two. We have none together. I do what's best for my child, and he does what's best for his. Sometimes those worlds collide, and sometimes they don't. Our kids are very very different personalities from each other. To force them all to enjoy the same activities and holidays all of the time would be impossible.

Also totally agree with @Magda72. Very well said and always the voice of reason on these threads.