Why is it bad to go on holiday without DSC

[TerenceToo]

Genuinely not trying to be goady but sure it will come across like this and inspired by another thread. Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?

When I was young I never questioned my dad going away with his wife without us. I only asked for something to be brought back as a gift. We went on holiday with mum (and much less frequently). I'm not sure I feel anything about it as an adult either i.e. should I be upset that dad never took us on holiday? I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Anyway is it only acceptable for me to take my DC on holiday without DP if that holiday cannot accommodate DSC? This is new territory for me so I'm all ears.

@chocolatesaltyballs22

I can assure you that for some children no amount of birthdays and Christmases make up for being made to feel less than their father younger children.

What many of these threads also overlook is that many couples in a blended family situation don't actually have kids together. I have a child, my husband has two. We have none together. I do what's best for my child, and he does what's best for his. Sometimes those worlds collide, and sometimes they don't. Our kids are very very different personalities from each other. To force them all to enjoy the same activities and holidays all of the time would be impossible.

Oh I totally agree with you there. Overall if there's a balance as to who gets what and when and it works out roughly equal (like my mum and step dad managed with their dc - they each have children but none are joint) then its brilliant and no one can claim "its unfair". The problem is when there is a marked difference between how the sets of children are treated. And even if the other parent balances it to some extent its not the same. But holidays/days out are just a part of a bigger picture.

I think the game changes when the father takes step Children or half siblings away and not his bio children.

It’s not very difficult to understand and those people that say they don’t understand why it’s an issue or why the bio children get upset are just lying and choosing to ignore it

I'll reiterate my story re taking stepson on hols with us. Sat in his room all day gaming and didn't want to join in with anything. Came to meals, ate bare minimum and went back to his room quickly. He might as well have been at home.

To chocolate salty balls:
I am in your position. We will never have a child together. However, we do categorize family vacations as those in which we take all.of the kids together. I still take individual trips with my children and he does the same with his kids. We also do couples trips where it is just the 2 of us.

We each realize that our respective kids are entitled to and need special time and attention from their biological parents.

It is not difficult.to make arrangements to accommodate these joint and individual needs.

As I am only 6 months in, it is a bit troubling to read about all of these issues surrounding something as simp!e and routine as travel plans.

Both sets of kids get to travel with their other parent, and we tend to s do the same type and quantity of travel. We do realize that travel with the other parent is neither our business nor our concern. Both sets of grandparents have taken their own grandchildren on trips. We do not promote grandparent sharing as we think these to be relationships that should not be altered or changed because of divorce and remarriage. Children.should have some relationships.that are both stable and unique to them.

After saying all of this, time may alter many of these views.

Maybe it helps that resources and finances are about the same in the 3 households and no one feels the need to compete.

The kids get to travel a good bit and so far none of them seem to feel that they have lost anything in this transition. We can only.hope that things remain so calm.

As I am only 6 months in

You’ve been busy with your joint, individual and full family trips. Given the UK (and most of the world) as been on some form of lockdown for the last 4 months I think it’s fair to say you’re talking about fantasies and not reality.

I think the game changes when the father takes step Children or half siblings away and not his bio children
What if the stepmum chooses to take her own away and she pays for her family and her partner? Why do people assume the dad is taking his “new family” away? It’s very a sexist and dated view.

I have saved for a holiday for my DC and have asked my DP to come too whilst his own children are on holiday with their mum.
It’s my money and my holiday. My SCs are having a holiday with their own mum and stepdad

We've never been on holiday all together because dsds mum won't let us take her abroad and it seems awful to go without her - she gets very jealous of my dd living with her dad while she's 100s of miles away and so only sees him eow, which is very understandable so we wouldn't do anything to make her feel worse. Her mums never taken her abroad either, or even on a UK break. I went away with my parents and my 2 last year but DH didn't come and I wouldnt have either in his position - we were going to do the same this year as well before covid. We've been on a uk camping holiday all together once but it was hard work as dsd just moaned for her tablet non stop and cried because of the lack of a charging point. She wouldn't walk amywhere or do any of the outdoor activities wed booked so I ended up having to do the kayaking, climbing etc with dd so she wasn't on her own - I was 6m pregnant at the time so wasn't ideal but we did have fun. Think next year we will try a different sort of uk holiday (one with WiFi!) and hope for a better time.

@Shinygreenelephant is your DD also your partner's? It seems very sad that she isn't allowed to go on holiday with her dad due to somebody else's actions. How must that feel for her? Especially since your DSD didn't get anything meaningful out of the holiday you did go on, I don't think I'd have made the same choice.

To: Ziz Zaz Plant
We have only been married for 6 months. We did not live together prior to marriage ,but we traveled together with the kids many times prior to getting married.

It was very important that we could see that the kids would mesh well together before we got married. Had we experienced problems with the kids getting along well together, we would have continued to date.

The Covid has impacted long distance travel but we have been able to drive to both the summer place and to take.them skiing in January
before the pandemic became problematic in our area.

Prior to getting married, I took my kids on 2 major trips a year tied to their school schedule , and they went on 2 major trips a year with their dad and his family. My practice has also been to do nearby get always and short trips throughout the year. I work long hours and travel for work I have always felt that travel was a good way to provide broadening experiences and to compensate for the demands of the job.

The kids have used the isolation caused by the pandemic to plan the.first few trips that they want to take. The virtual planning has been a good bonding experience for all of them.

We really do want our kids to be well traveled and accustomed to being comfortable in varied environments Hopefully, this will permit them to learn to be adaptable and accepting of differences.

@aSofaNearYou no my older DD is from a previous relationship, the baby is DHs and last year she was far too young to be bothered - as long as my boobs were coming on holiday thats all she cared about! Next year were going to try a UK break all together because now she's a toddler I totally agree she should have her dad on holiday too. Its such a hard situation because dsd is a very very sensitive and jealous little girl and I totally understand how hurtful it would be for her to know her dad was on holiday with his "new family" (that's what her mum calls it) while she was left at home. I don't think we could enjoy ourselves knowing how sad she would be. But its also not fair for us never to have a family holiday abroad again, especially since my older DD has been used to 2+ holidays a year and it doesn't seem fair for that to stop completely just because dsds mum hates us

To : Shinygreenelephant
Maybe part of the problems could stem from dads not fully and truthfully articulating to all involved how they see and define "his family." A definitive statement from dad could clarify to his children , his ex, and his spouse exactly how he views the the composition of " his family " and how he intends to support, provide for and interact with all of them. This is a position totally apart from child support and custody. This is a statement that speaks to the essence of the man.

This would prevent the ex from defining "his family " to his children and it would make his intentions clear to his spouse.

Would anyone of us have been willing to marry someone who said that "should we have children together, I expect you to treat them differently than your current children?"
A man who thinks of his children as family A and family B, is a man
who is making no long term commitment to either . He is just as likely to move on to family C with little forethought or regret.

In my kids case they are told he can not afford to take them all on holiday but then flys his new family to Brbados business clas.

My eldest is now able to do the maths and figures a week in Spain for everyone would be cheaper and affordable.

They loved centerparcs and the Isle of wight - it si about quality time with their Dad, not having to go round to his house and hear her DCs tell them how good their Dad is at swimming, diving and sailing - which they have zero experience of.

I would be sad to not include them tbh. Once the family is blended it's a family and I wouldn't want them to miss out. Same thing as Christmas presents - just because they get some from their other parents you wouldn't stop buying them!

@Tiredoftattler there is no Family A and Family B, were all a family and we all try our hardest to make dsd feel like we are her family and she is one of us. Her mum works equally hard to ruin that, constantly telling dsd were not bothered about her, that her dad doesnt want her any more, trying to disrupt contact as much as she can, criticising my dds to dsd and trying to drive a wedge between them (eg repeatedly telling her the baby won't recognise her, which means she's extra sensitive and if the baby is a bit wary of her when she first arrives she gets upset and won't go near her for days). It also doesn't help that she lives on the other side of the country so we can't really increase contact. I'm very clear on how he supports, provides for and interacts with us, its just a hard situation with dsd and there's no right answer. She's getting into her teen years now so unfortunately its likely to get worse before it gets better, all we can do is try

As far as I'm concerned we either go as a couple or invite all the kids (they are all over 18 so free to say no) wouldn't dream of only inviting my kids or his. That said one of the kids has sn and taking them somewhere appropriate I think is ok because they aren't being funded through university or having driving lessons etc

We both have children but none together. We go on holiday together with all our children. I take my children away by myself too - my partners kids have a holiday with just their mum, and my kids rarely see their dad so they don’t have a holiday to themselves. DP wouldn’t go on holiday with me and my kids without his and vice versa, although we have been away alone together. I wouldn’t have a problem with DP going away with his kids alone like I do - it’s just his choice not to.

In the real world it's hardly an issue but for some on MN step children are golden and must have everything while you feed second families on gruel.

How very true

I caused uproar last year because I admitted I do not ever take my SD on holiday. She’s rude, awkward and never joined in with anything, so I put a stop to it. Our holidays are now wonderful. However if she was at all pleasant I may take a SC away but I wouldn’t feel pressured to it every time. Dads have separate lives, it’s not something to be ashamed of it’s just the way it is. Every family has a different dynamic, priority’s and finances. Also you have to be fair to your other children, which BMs tend forget, there child has be centre of everything just because they don’t live with there dad - oh the guilt- Like I said to my DHs ex, don’t shag other men while your DH is at work then you won’t get divorced and have separate holidays. Well it’s very sad that mum and dad spilt up but thats just the way it is, it’s old, move on.

Presumably the mum of DSC takes them on holiday by themselves, so it’s equally ok for you to take your DC on holiday by themselves.