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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Why is it bad to go on holiday without DSC

94 replies

TerenceToo · 04/08/2020 14:47

Genuinely not trying to be goady but sure it will come across like this and inspired by another thread. Why does it get seen as such a bad thing if the dad goes on holiday without his children even though the children go on holiday with their mum?

When I was young I never questioned my dad going away with his wife without us. I only asked for something to be brought back as a gift. We went on holiday with mum (and much less frequently). I'm not sure I feel anything about it as an adult either i.e. should I be upset that dad never took us on holiday? I don't feel like I missed out on anything.

Anyway is it only acceptable for me to take my DC on holiday without DP if that holiday cannot accommodate DSC? This is new territory for me so I'm all ears.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Magda72 · 04/08/2020 17:07

I think what @TheFormerPorpentinaScamander has highlighted is very relevant - it's part of the bigger picture. My kids rarely go on holidays with their df, sm & half siblings - too expensive & too big an age gap. Instead they go on more age appropriate holidays with me & are perfectly happy - don't feel like they're missing out at all.
They see their dad regularly & throughout holidays will do day trips with him (hiking etc,) which they much prefer to 2 weeks with small kids.
However I also think one reason they're so chill with this is that no one makes a big deal out of it including me - I don't wind them up about being left out (as I've seen others do) - it's just a part of family life & in a lot of 'normal' families the elder kids don't always go on the family holiday.
I think if kids never get bonding time with a parent it's one thing but I also think a lot of dm's are very good at s**t stirring around holidays knowing full well that their kids DO get dad time but tell kids that they are entitled to ALWAYS be put centre stage re holidays & day trips.

Motherlandismylife · 04/08/2020 17:36

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

Tiredoftattler · 04/08/2020 18:33

Response to DonGersWotHeWants
You mentioned first families getting what they want and second families being fed gruel

The real issue should be that responsible people should not have more children than they are capable of providing for in an equitable manner.
If dad cannot take children from first family on a vacation , then his position should be that he will not participate in a family vacation until such time as he can provide a family vacation for all of his children. The position should be the same for mom.

That position does not prohibit the other partner or spouse from taking their and joint children on a vacation for which they pay, but it allows you to be principled enough to say to all of your children that

to you the term " family vacation " means " all of your children "

In terms of children, there is no such thing as first family or second family. A responsible man or woman only has "my children" .

Ibizafun · 04/08/2020 18:38

Lunar1 were you and your brother asked along or was it that you just didn’t want to go? Dh and I only take our children and not his, simply because his children do not wish to come- they are asked but want to go with their mother.

Ibizafun · 04/08/2020 18:39

Correction- we take my children and not his.

addictedtoharibo · 04/08/2020 18:40

My ex husband never takes our kids away meaning if I want them to have any type of holiday experience I have to pay for it all. He manages exotic holidays with his new wife whilst I foot the bill for taking 3 kids away. That's the other angle I find unfair. And no he doesn't pay any maintenance so it's not included in that

Original poster

TerenceToo · 04/08/2020 19:07

To answer a few questions. I don't see my dad's wife as my family as such. She is dad's wife. They have no children so I can't answer how I would have felt if they took her/their DC away as there simply weren't any.

The proposed holiday is to a neighbouring county most likely in a caravan or apartment type thing only for a few days. For future holidays they would be included for big ones but not so much if we were going to Peppa pig world to use an example. They would be late teens by the time that was appropriate and tbh I doubt even DP would go. I'd probably go with my sister and her DC.

I don't quite agree with this notion of first and second family children. Why couldn't DP join us on a holiday which he has previously done with his older children because, for example, they will be at school. It isn't exactly fair on our DC missing out on time with dad which he has already done with the older children. Maybe I'm the evil step mom there but that's my thoughts. I'm talking a haven holiday to Weymouth not Disney land or anything btw.

OP posts:

Tiredoftattler · 04/08/2020 19:11

Regrettably, the ability to reproduce does equal the ability or willingness to be a responsible father or mother.

Magda72 · 04/08/2020 19:18

@Tiredoftattler - vacations are luxuries & not requirements!
My parents had 6 of us & certainly couldn't afford to take us all on holiday at the same time! Some years none of us got a holiday.
So - by your reckoning my parents were highly irresponsible!
Ffs - maybe don't have kids if you can't put shoes on their feet or three meals a day, but if you want kids it's not irresponsible to have them even if it means holidays & treats aren't always possible.
I can tell you it did me & my siblings no harm having to share or do without.
I despair for the level of entitlement of modern parenting & family life.

Original poster

TerenceToo · 04/08/2020 19:25

@Tiredoftattler Is it really that irresponsible? I've known for years that DP will be taking the older DC to America soon (may be delayed due to covid). I wouldn't be invited nor would our DC (baby). Is that ok? Or is he irresponsible for that too? I might add I have no issue with this and I don't think it is out of order to our DC.

OP posts:

TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 04/08/2020 19:36

The thing is that it's not necessarily about where you go as much as having time with the parent. So my DCs step and half siblings, who get to see their (step)Dad every day also get a week away at a caravan in Weymouth with him. Whereas my DC get 6ish hours per week with their dad and the other 5 children. And that's if he doesn't cancel for some non-reason.

As an adult step child I can confirm that actually does hurt. A few years ago my step sister got an all expenses paid trip to a villa abroad with her mum and my dad, plus her husband and daughter. Now her mum funded it so its totally up to her that step children didn't come, and the reasoning was that step sister had had a shit year and needed a break (the last 10 years of my life have been one shit show after another but hey ho).
To make things ) 'fair' my Dad promised me and my dc a holiday with him. We got a weekend camping during which we hardly saw my Dad because he was off with his camping mates or step-sister and her dc. I would have been more than happy with a weekend camping vs a foreign villa, if I had actually got to spend some time with my Dad.

lunar1 · 04/08/2020 19:40

We were never welcome @Ibizafun

wewillmeetagain · 04/08/2020 19:45

Dsc mother used to point blank refuse to allow us to take him on holiday as " she couldn't afford to take him first" yet she would then slag off my ex partner for going away with my kids and not his ds! Sometimes you just can't win 🤷‍♀️

beautifulxdisasters · 04/08/2020 19:46

I think DP would spend a holiday without DSD there feeling sad that she wasn't there sharing all the fun holiday experiences with us. Wouldn't your DP feel the same?

Agree with PP that a couple going away is totally different to taking some kids and not others though.

Original poster

TerenceToo · 04/08/2020 19:46

He does spend plenty of time with his children without baby DC and without me. Really it is for him to discuss with his children.

OP posts:

Original poster

TerenceToo · 04/08/2020 19:51

@beautifulxdisasters Possibly, I haven't asked. He takes them away just the three of them.

OP posts:

whereorwhere · 04/08/2020 19:57

Sounds fine and fair to me

Songbird232018 · 04/08/2020 20:00

We have literally just had this conversation with our kids as I stated I want to go on holiday next year cheap and cheerful with my toddler before he starts school and we are locked into expensive holidays. My partners mum and sister were appalled that we are considering a holiday abroad without 3 sc
However they do go on holiday with their mum abroad every other year and she has also been alone with her husband and new daughter while the 3 were with us.

We spoke to the kids and you know what being teens they got it, two boys say they hate the heat and would not want to go away if they had the choice they prefer up holidays (which we do yearly) daughter says she would like to come so we have says we will look for the 4 of us and if it's a couple of hundred more she can come but if it's very much more due to holidays then possibly not and it will just be us 3 this time.

I can obviously only speak for teen children but if you talk to then they may be fine more fine with compromise than people assume

ZigZagPlant · 04/08/2020 20:09

It’s not an issue. I holiday with my DSS and without him and just my DH (before we had children together). His Mum used to go away several times a year by herself. I didn’t think that was odd either.

MarcelineMissouri · 04/08/2020 20:20

I don’t think it’s an issue either depending on what the set up is. We’ve had some holidays where dsd comes and some holidays where it’s just been with our 2 dc. That’s usually when we’ve gone in term time as dsd is older. Dsd does not seem bothered by this. She also has a holiday with her mum and step dad. Ironically her mum has moaned before about us not always taking her..... and yet they have never once taken her step dads children on holiday with them!!! Go figure.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 04/08/2020 20:39

I have 2 and DH has 4. Eldest dss is now in his 30's and my youngest ds is 20 so a wide age range. We used to alternate. Sometimes I'd take 1 boy and sometimes the other. DH (before we were married) would take 2 girls and then the 2 boys. Sometimes I'd go with him and one memorable occasion, took my boy and his girls. Every photo I have, he's wailing for some reason. Once DH took his boys and I joined them for a few days in the middle. A couple of times I went on my own

I used to take my 2 with my mum and dad as well. We used to have a lot of trips away. Now it's just me and DH and it's so peaceful. But I have promised ds2 a trip to Amsterdam now he's grown up. I used to take him a lot when he was little but now he wants to do a mum and son getting stoned trip

I think as long as the kids are happy and don't feel excluded then it's whatever works for you. I've never been jealous of his kids and vice versa. Now I have 2 beautiful step-grandkids as well, but I'm treated just like Nanny and they come over at Xmas which is super nice.

Thunderblunder · 04/08/2020 20:57

My mum took me on holiday abroad every year. My dad, his wife and her children only went away a few times and that was in this country. I wasn’t allowed to go on those holidays because my dad couldn’t afford for me to go after paying for his wife’s children. According to dad it was ok because I went away with my mum. What he couldn’t understand was to me it wasn't about the holiday per se but the spending time together.

I have great memories of going on holiday with my mum. I have none of the same with my dad.

The best bit now is when dad visits and starts reminiscing about holidays in the past and he says remember when we went away to so and so. No dad I wasn't invited.
Remember when we visited so and so. No dad I wasn’t invited. And repeat.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 04/08/2020 20:58

DH and I go on holiday once or twice just us.

And then we have a holiday where DSS comes too.

Our holidays are when we have leave from work and DSS is at school anyway.

user1493413286 · 04/08/2020 21:02

I don’t think there’s a problem with a parent and their partner going on holiday: DH and I did that but now we have DC we wouldn’t go on holiday and not take DSD as she would feel left out. She is part of our family and i wouldn’t not take one of our DC.

bogoffmda · 04/08/2020 21:27

I have watched my sons be absolutely excluded from their fathers family - where he took the OWS kids on holiday but could not afford to take his 2. Think Barbados, Canada Disney etc.

I am unable to describe the hurt and tears as to why, how - why cant we all go to spain and stay somewhere cheap.

It is irrelevant that I take them on holiday - they want time on holiday, relaxing, laughing building memories. The worst was when he agreed tot ake them to MExico last year, DS2 had a bit of a cold, they deliberately changed the flights to leave 2 days early saying he had a cold so could not fly. By the original departure date - not a sniffle in sight. The hurt from that is still resonanting.

This is not a mumsnet thing this is a reality.

My DCs in 8 years have been on two holidays with their Dad ( high earner) - centreparcs for the weekend and the Isle of Wight for 4 days! He ahs been on 3 long haul luxury holidays per year with their half sib and his step kids . 2 short weeks away in Europe per annum and numerous long weekends.

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