Financial Split

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I've been with my partner for 18 months. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship who doesn't live with him. I don't have any children.

Last year, we went on 2 holidays. One was DP and I (we split the cost 50/50) and then he took his DD away (he paid) and I went on a holiday with a friend (I paid).

This year, DP and I were supposed to be going away in May but it was cancelled. We also have a week booked in Wales at the end of August, self catering and we are taking his DD. Should I be paying 50/50 for this holiday too? I've already paid 50/50 for the accommodation but last night he said should we split the petrol and food 50/50 too? (Added complication is that I am veggie and they are meat eaters, so my food is cheaper).

Also now thinking about what we do on days out and at meals out - do I pay 50/50 for those too?

Just wondering what people's thoughts are?

Just to add, this is a new situation for me. I'm just wondering what the norm is.

3 way split imo.
He is a cf expecting you to fund his dc.

3 way split for food and days out

3 way food split he pays for outings tough maybe pay for your third

Tell him you'll just pay for your own costs to keep it simple. 50/50 sounds like he's trying to take financial advantage of you what with there being two of them and you being a vegetarian and all.

Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong for assuming he would pay for his daughter's food and activities. DP and I don't live together, so don't share finances.

If you don't live together and don't share finances then he is being a CF.

Another vote for a 3 way split. With the exception of the petrol as you would have paying that anyway.

Yep, three way split all the way. I would also have expected him to pay 2/3 or the accommodation too!

I’ve always just paid half for my DD; in all honesty I’ve not felt it’s worth quibbling about for small amounts even. If you start getting into splitting it 3 ways how does that work as surely you as adults eat more than your DSD does and the same with meals when you think that most kids meals are about £6. If you were going on holiday without her you’d still be paying half the petrol and things like accommodation don’t split easily either.
When it comes to outings I think you could expect him to pay if it’s something expensive but I can’t say I ever bothered as I just didn’t feel it was worth it and for me we’d gone away together and I was getting to enjoy time with DSD. I think everyone approaches it differently and it’s what you feel is reasonable and what you can afford.

When people say he should pay 2/3 of the accommodation that’s assuming that the accommodation is a third more because of his DSD but in reality accommodation is often something like £400 for 2 people and £550 for 2 adults and a child so suddenly he is paying more than he would if it was just the two adults going which is also unfair.

He should cover his daughter’a costs but that may not mean splitting into thirds as for some things a nine year old doesn’t cost the same as an adult. Eg a food shop might include wine and days out there are likely to be child entry prices.

I would find it miserable to spend a holiday totting up and splitting bills though. Why not make a kitty for spending, say 65/35 split and then just pay everything out of that so you’re not constantly counting? You may come out of it a few pounds down, or he might, but it won’t be far off and if you’re close enough to be holidaying as a family then you can’t expect to keep tabs on and debate every last penny.

@user1493413286 in contrast it’s hardly fair for OP to subsidise them. If he doesn’t want the extra costs of his child, then maybe he shouldn’t bring them

Thank you.

I think this holiday will set expectations going forward, so just want to come up with something we're both comfortable with.

I've been a bit shocked at the cost of family days out. Usually when I go somewhere I either go with a partner or group of friends and we all pay our own way.

The accommodation is a holiday flat, so it was only an extra £100 for the week to get a 3 person one, rather than a 2 person one. I’m ok with splitting the cost of that. I’m also ok with going 50/50 on the petrol as we are going in his car, so he’s got the cost of mileage etc.

As someone mentioned above though, a kitty for food and days out is a good idea. Alternatively we go 50/50 on a basics shop and he buys meat and his alcohol out of his own money. He drinks a lot more than me and they both eat a fair bit of meat, he’s already talking about roast dinners, gammon, salmon (all of his DDs favourites, which is nice for her as they are holiday treats). Whereas I can take some veggie alternatives.

Days out - then either out of the kitty, if we go down that route, or he pays for himself and daughter and I pay for myself.

As someone else said above, I don’t want to spend the whole holiday counting pennies but I don’t want to feel taken advantage of either.

Obviously if we move in together in the future, and merge finances, then we can look at it again.

Worth sorting out now before she eats adult meals and has to pay full price for attractions.

EL8888 you’re right that the OP doesn’t need to subsidise if she doesn’t feel it’s right but I don’t think splitting 3 ways is the right way to do it either.

I think the kitty is a good idea as you don’t want to be asking for £3 or £4 here and there all holiday. Although we contribute half and half that’s what we’ve always done with holidays whether it’s just me and DH, DSD too and now our DC as otherwise you spend the whole week trying to work out who paid for what.

Every similar thread when it's the woman who has the child, the response is 50/50 on the basis that you are in a partnership.

I think it depends on your income. If he earns much more, then it would be fair that he pays more, if similar, 50/50 doesn't seem totally unreasonable.

My partner always paid 50% from the start for our holidays and I have three kids.

I think you are right not to want to be taken advantage of, but the line between fairness and nit-picking for every penny is going to be a very fine one. I am personally finding the ‘they should pay for their meat’ is the wrong side of it for me. How would it even work - 2 lots of shopping at the supermarket or working it out with a calculator later? It feels a bit off to me - I have three children and accept a childless partner shouldn’t have to pay for them, but if he started calculating it down to the last penny I am afraid he would have to have some very redeeming features for me to continue in a relationship with him. It’s not conducive to ‘being a family’ in the future if you are going to literally account for every morsel eaten (I appreciate that is not what the OP said).

The children are part of the package and some give and take needs to come with that. Surely you’ll be cooking stuff you can all eat together anyway? Veggie sausage casserole? Pasta bakes? Carbonara without the bacon, baked potato with cheese and salad? Quorn and other substitutes can be more expensive than meat as well. Or if he is going to insist on one thing for them and something else for you, you might want to consider how that will work for you long term?

If he doesn’t want the extra costs of his child, then maybe he shouldn’t bring them

Sure. Bin off the child. If he’s a half way decent father then seeing how the OP interacts with his child is essential before making a decision to move in together. I am not sure anyone should be comfortable with a partner who has children who is happy to remove them from his new set up.

Three way split, definitely. You're not there to fund his kids holidays unless you absolutely want to.

The reason I mentioned removing meat and alcohol from the joint shopping is because that's what we've done when I've been on group holidays with friends before (to allow for the variety of religious and moral dietary requirements in the group).

You're right to tackle this before it's an issue. My DH never gave a thought to the additional costs of his DC and it shocked me how much extra it added to everything to have 2 kids to pay for too! We've always been quite relaxed about money but it was costing me a fortune. As it was, by this time we were living together so decided to get a joint bank account. We earned similar money and whilst it was a bit skewed by the expense for the kids, I had money going elsewhere for commitments I had so it evened out.
I think sharing the costs for the accomodation us fair but he should be paying more toward food and days out.

Do you know if your boyfriend's daughters mum is paying for her too? Or hasn't this been mentioned by your boyfriend?

For clarity, I don't think your boyfriend's daughters mum should pay.

Quorn and other substitutes can be more expensive than meat as well.

I don't eat them because they are full of salt and additives.

Do you know if your boyfriend's daughters mum is paying for her too? Or hasn't this been mentioned by your boyfriend?

No she isn't. If their DD goes on holiday with her mum then mum pays. If she goes on holiday with her dad, then dad pays.