Financial Split

[TaserLight]

I've been with my partner for 18 months. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship who doesn't live with him. I don't have any children.

Last year, we went on 2 holidays. One was DP and I (we split the cost 50/50) and then he took his DD away (he paid) and I went on a holiday with a friend (I paid).

This year, DP and I were supposed to be going away in May but it was cancelled. We also have a week booked in Wales at the end of August, self catering and we are taking his DD. Should I be paying 50/50 for this holiday too? I've already paid 50/50 for the accommodation but last night he said should we split the petrol and food 50/50 too? (Added complication is that I am veggie and they are meat eaters, so my food is cheaper).

Also now thinking about what we do on days out and at meals out - do I pay 50/50 for those too?

Just wondering what people's thoughts are?

@JessStu

If you date a partner who already has a child then that child is part of the package. If you don't want to accept that then you shouldn't date men with children.

Completely agree, same goes for women who have children, a reason there are so many on dating websites telling blokes that they have kids and that they are their world and if you the bloke has a problem with it to do one as if it's the blokes problem 🙄 and then those who don't mention it in their profile get all defensive calling you selfish when you don't want to date someone with kids.

@user1493413286

When people say he should pay 2/3 of the accommodation that’s assuming that the accommodation is a third more because of his DSD but in reality accommodation is often something like £400 for 2 people and £550 for 2 adults and a child so suddenly he is paying more than he would if it was just the two adults going which is also unfair.

Erm no

£400/2 = £200 each

£550/3 = £183 each

And yes- of course he should pay more if his child is coming. Who else should pay for his child? not seeing the unfairness.

Ironic that people think accepting children = paying for them. Let me guess whos posted that.

Blurred lines from MN.

I am married now and our finances pooled, so I suppose I contribute indirectly, but I have my OWN son to provide for. I consider my step son has two parents to provide for him, not four by MN logic.

When our finances weren’t pooled I couldn’t afford to take him on holiday etc. My DH paid. Same for Christmas and birthdays. I might have got him a token gift but nothing extravagant. Budget didn’t allow. Should I not have married my husband because I couldn’t afford to spilt the costs of his kid 🤔

Lol. No way. He pays for his own kid

Just seen you don't live together either. Where's the wooing gone lol? I realise mumsnet takes a dim view of this but I'd still view this as dating and expect him to be paying for me as well. I'd only pay for small things like the odd coffee or popcorn at the cinema. I wouldn't go on 'family' holidays unless married/ committed. In which case I would pay for myself but I still wouldn't pay for his child. Just my take.

If you date a partner who already has a child then that child is part of the package. If you don't want to accept that then you shouldn't date men with children

Oh Lordy 🍷

Buy your own food then you know it's just you that you're paying for.
Very wise to sort this out in advance.

Accepting children = paying for them 😂.

Paying for them but not getting a say in anything? Such as how your household is run? How they behave when they are in your home? Am I right?

Sounds a bit grabby and entitled to me.

@ @aSofaNearYou

At this stage where you're dating, not living together, I would say cover your own costs, unless you're happy to pay half towards certain days out/activities etc.

I would argue that even when living together you're under no obligation to pay costs towards your partner's kids. That's what their parents are for.

When I go on holiday with do and his children he pays for cost of accommodation and transport. I would not choose to go away in the school holidays and he gets help with childcare so seems fair. When we are away I'll buy some drinks/meals for all of us. It works for us.

You've been with your partner 18months, are you living together?
If you are living together I'd of thought you'd have shared finances.
My DH would never dream of asking for half of anything and didn't when we got together (I have 2 children from a previous relationship) we pretty much automatically had shared finances so it was always our money.
You've chosen to be in a relationship with someone with a child so in MO you are taking on that child too so if you normally pay 50/50 I would still do the same.
Although everyone is different and it's what works best for you both 🙂
Only you 2 can decide

@LRHRN

*25/07/2020 12:55 TaserLight

Thank you. I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong for assuming he would pay for his daughter's food and activities. DP and I don't live together, so don't share finances.*

So OP hasn’t “taken on” anything or anyone at this stage. She is expecting her boyfriend to pay his own child’s expenses.

And, unless she gets full parental rights, responsibilities and privileges, even if she married the man tomorrow she still would not be obliged to pay for his child.

@Giespeace that's why I've said in my opinion, this is just what I'd do. I'm not saying it's right or wrong.
Only OP and her boyfriend can decide.
I'm going off if they were in a full relationship and living together, If they are only dating then OP should just pay for herself.
Everyone is different at the end of the day

@TaserLight I didn't see that you weren't living together, sorry I just assumed xx

If accommodation cost an extra £100 for child and you share this cost and fuel 50-50 then he should pay cost for food and pay for your own entry to.days out. I think that works out about fair. I know my dh who is veggie would not feel comfortable paying for meat on ethical grounds. Do you feel uncomfortable buying meat too OP?

It's great that you can sit down together and sort through the cost. That bodes well for the future. Have a happy holiday OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, certainly not at this stage of your relationship, to expect him to pay for his DD and himself and you pay for yourself.

I don't bother splitting things like this myself now but we are married and having DC together, it just becomes sort of moot when your finances and children are joint etc...

However, when you don't live together, finances aren't shared etc... Then yes he should pay for his DD to go on expensive trips out and meals. My husband would never have expected me to pay towards this when we were dating.

It is very funny how no one wants a step parent overly involved... Until money comes into it of course then it's all 'family', 'what you signed up for' blah blah.

You'll find as the years go by OP that people only ever spout this rubbish when they want something out of you, be it money or free childcare at the drop of a hat when they click their fingers. Anything else and you should butt out because they aren't your child. Laughable really, you learn to ignore it.

*It is very funny how no one wants a step parent overly involved... Until money comes into it of course hmm then it's all 'family', 'what you signed up for' blah blah.

You'll find as the years go by OP that people only ever spout this rubbish when they want something out of you, be it money or free childcare at the drop of a hat when they click their fingers. Anything else and you should butt out because they aren't your child. Laughable really, you learn to ignore it.*

This is my experience also.

That was also my experience when with exdp for 5 years. I was to be nowhere near "her" kids (his ex) unless I was spending money on them! She even once told exdp that I should change my car & get a 7 seater so I could drive them places/do collections!?! Yet I was to barely interact with them! Madness.

I've never had an issue splitting 50/50 when taking my DSD away or out etc. However my partner would never expect me to and always tells me I don't have to. I think the biggest issue here is that you DP expected you to pay when actually you have no obligation to do so.

I think sitting down, listing everything and working out the cost helped. It’s easier to see it when it’s in black and white.

While I agree, I would, in your shoes, not forget that you really did need to spell it all out to him.

In his shoes, I would have been over cautious to make sure I was paying for my own DD's costs. You are already doing g a nice thing, in spending your holiday with DD. Not everyone might want to do that, certainly not be expected to pay half of the child's extra costs.

It's good you didn't just roll over and pay 50:50 before living together and sharing finances. You are right to be a little wary. He might just have been used to 'family life' of sharing or he might be lining you up to shared his costs. Be aware.

I invited my now ex on holiday with me and my children and I wish I had set some boundaries first. I felt guilty because my children were there so I paid for everything, all the flights, car rental and accomodation, he paid for one dinner out in the two weeks we were away. The idea that he might have been expected to pay for my kids seems like another planet, he didnt even think he should have to pay for himself.

To: Well was in the neighborhood
I was always taught that if you extend an invitation, you are making an implicit offer to pay. If you plan a trip together, you are agreeing to pay your own expenses.

The real issue should be that if you have to be concerned about who pays for what, there may be such an imbalance in resources that finances will likely be a problem throughout the relationship.

In my opinion, it is a mistake to become involved long term with someone where the imbalance in resources is substantial or with whom you could not openly and freely discuss how you are going to handle financing travel.

I do not think that finances are an area where assumptions should ever be made.