Financial Split

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I've been with my partner for 18 months. He has a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship who doesn't live with him. I don't have any children.

Last year, we went on 2 holidays. One was DP and I (we split the cost 50/50) and then he took his DD away (he paid) and I went on a holiday with a friend (I paid).

This year, DP and I were supposed to be going away in May but it was cancelled. We also have a week booked in Wales at the end of August, self catering and we are taking his DD. Should I be paying 50/50 for this holiday too? I've already paid 50/50 for the accommodation but last night he said should we split the petrol and food 50/50 too? (Added complication is that I am veggie and they are meat eaters, so my food is cheaper).

Also now thinking about what we do on days out and at meals out - do I pay 50/50 for those too?

Just wondering what people's thoughts are?

Are you both a bit short of money and need to be careful? I wouldn’t quibble about sharing the extra £100 on accommodation but equally I wouldn’t take petrol money off a boyfriend either.

No, we aren't short of money.

I haven't quibbled over £100 accommodation. I said in my first post that I'd already paid 50/50 for the accommodation. My post was to see if people thought it would be unreasonable to expect DP to contribute more to the holiday fund (ie food and trips out), as his daughter is coming with us. Or if I should pay 50/50 for everything. Given that we don't live together so don't share finances.

Hi OP,

Please do not move in with this man. YANBU and who on earth expect their partner to pay half of the petrol cost when going on a holiday together????? Honestly, mean men do not get more generous with time, safe yourself the hassle and find someone who is generous and kind (not someone who pays for you but certainly not someone who expects you to pay petrol in their car . Even when DH and I were dating over 20 years ago, whoever drove paid for petrol - we both had cars but never dreamed of asking the other for petrol money.

I can see his point re petrol. We both have cars and normally take it in turns driving, so don’t ask for petrol money from each other, but we’re going in his car for this holiday. His car is bigger than mine and we are taking his DDs bike , so need to go in DOs car to fit it in. The petrol costs will be quite high, not only have we got a 4 hour each way trip to Wales but we will be driving to a few things while we are there.

Yes but OP, in a good relationship he would not ask, he would insist he pays for that - I think your got is telling you there is more wrong here than the cost of one holiday in Wales - and really the early days with any man are the best, when he is trying to impress you.

DP hasn't had a long term relationship since splitting up with his ex and I've never had a long term relationship with someone with a child before. So it's a first for both of us. I posted in step parents because there are many posters with more experience of this than us.

I don't think he's trying to take advantage of me, he's just assumed 50/50, as that's what we usually do. I'd like to establish some boundaries though, in terms of finances going forwards.

Thank you for all of your replies. I'm going to mention the suggestions later in and see what he thinks.

can see his point re petrol. We both have cars and normally take it in turns driving, so don’t ask for petrol money from each other, but we’re going in his car for this holiday. His car is bigger than mine and we are taking his DDs bike , so need to go in DOs car to fit it in. The petrol costs will be quite high, not only have we got a 4 hour each way trip to Wales but we will be driving to a few things while we are there.
Op this is all very well but even if you weren't on the scene he would still be taking HIS car to take HIS daughter on holidays to accommodate HER bike. I honestly don't see why you should have to split the petrol 50/50 under those circumstances. Imo that's HIM nitpicking.
FWIW a lot of 9 year olds eat as much as adults so again I honestly don't see why - given you do not share finances - you should be expected to pay towards his child. Likewise he should be paying for her days out - not you. He's not taking his child on holiday because of you (ie you are not driving up HIS costs), he's taking his child on holiday anyway. If you weren't around he'd be paying for all her food/accommodation/day trips in full - so why are you expected to fund half just because.....?

@Enoughnowstop why shouldn’t he pay for his own child though? Everyone knows children cost money and why should OP subsidise

My comment about not bringing his child was more a response to “suddenly he is paying more than he would if it was just the two adults going which is also unfair”. But 2 adults and a child, will be more expensive than 2 adults

I would be breezy but firm. I'm happy to pay 50:50 for the accommodation as a contribution towards it costing more as a 3 person place but we need to split the rest into thirds obviously on for meals out or entry fees if DD is being charged a child price you pay that and we split the adult costs 50:50.

You're being kind paying the extra but tbh I'd have basics shopping split 60/40 and him buying meat and alcohol. Also just pay for yourself when you go somewhere.

I went on holiday with my sister and her two kids a few years ago and we did it by kitty. The kids were 10 and 12 then. In my naievity I said that we will do it 2 to 1 rather than 3 to 1 as I didn't think that they would eat or drink as much as us. For every beer or wine we had they would drink 2 minerals and they would have more deserts or ice cream than us. It was a rare occasion that they ate off the kids menu so overall I was done but that was my own fault. Just something that you should consider.

3 way split for food and days out

So, entrance for an adult costs £25 and £15 for a child, total £65, OP pays just under £22. Why should the OP’s partner sub her?!

why shouldn’t he pay for his own child though? Everyone knows children cost money and why should OP subsidise

Never said he shouldn’t? I did point out that for me, the OP suggesting she shouldn’t have to pay for meat on a food shop was nit picking. I appreciate there are ethical considerations as well as personal financial situations to contend with. And people who take the piss big time. The line between taking the piss and nit picking is a fine one - as the above example shows. For some arguing over £3 isn’t worth it. For others, it is worth it. In my opinion, arguing over £3 at this stage suggests bigger issues (I am basing that on the example above, not what the OP has said) or a clear incompatibility re: money and/or what it might mean to be a blended family.

But if I were her partner, I would just suggest we eat veggie when self catering because making several different plates of food is exhausting on the one hand, and in my opinion, incompatible with a family life on the other (genuine food issues/allergies not withstanding). He has talked about all the meat buying he is going to be doing.

There is a lot to consider and this moving in together lark is difficult. Less hassle in the long run if you understand where your differences lie and what compromises can be reached to overcome them before they become a problem. Nit picking for some, important boundary line for others.

I did point out that for me, the OP suggesting she shouldn’t have to pay for meat on a food shop was nit picking.

You also said that meat substitutes are the same price as meat, so the cost of the meat won’t make much difference, this was before I mentioned that I don’t eat meat substitutes though.

The menu for his DD will be her favourites, as she is on holiday, all meat though - chicken nuggets, roast chicken, beef bologna, gammon, lamb, ham. The only fruit / veg she eats are potatoes, sweet corn and apples. As I said above, the reason I suggested maybe excluding meat and alcohol from the combined shop was because that’s what’s happened when I’ve been away with groups of friends and it’s worked well.

It’s not normally a problem at home. If we get pizzas we get a veggie one and two meat ones. If DD is eating at my house, DP will bring some pasta bologna / chicken nuggets round for her and I’ll make veggie pasta / curry or something for DP and I. I don’t mind having meat in my house (as long as I don’t have to cook it myself). I’m also not going to insist DP eats veggie when he’s on holiday, he can eat what he likes and whilst he will eat veggie meals sometimes, he does like meat too and I don’t have a problem with him eating it.

If we have a roast dinner at his, he gets veggie gravy now but I take a nut roast and he provides the meat for DD and himself.

I think the key thing is just saying to him "you aren't expecting to split DDs costs 50:50 with me are you?" Then have a discussion about a way to split things.

*Today 17:29 Enoughnowstop

3 way split for food and days out

So, entrance for an adult costs £25 and £15 for a child, total £65, OP pays just under £22. Why should the OP’s partner sub her?!*

This one is easy. Op pays for her own ticket and He pays for his and his DD

My situation is slightly different because I’ve been with my partner for longer and he has 2 kids who don’t live with us. To be honest? I’ve always gone half’s with him when it’s came to holidays and days out with the kids. Personally, I feel more comfortable doing this rather than just paying my share and then working out afterwards how much I owe him, but I understand everyone is different. I don’t contribute anything towards birthdays or Christmases though.

Yes, I’m not expecting him to sub me. That’s why I didn’t quibble over going 50/50 on the accommodation.

Quite a range of views here though. As I’ve said above, I think it would be a bit different if we were living together and were merging finances but we aren’t at the moment.

I don’t contribute anything towards birthdays or Christmases though.

I’ve bought her clothes for Christmas and birthday, separate present from DPs.

It might seem like you are not picking however, if you don’t set your boundaries now it will only lead to resentment.
So what makes most sense is to:
Pay 50/50 cost of accommodation for 2, dp pays the difference
Pay 50/50 on petrol since child doesn’t drive
Pay your way only for all food and days out
It shouldn’t be costing you more to spend time with him just because he has a child

You’re making a contribution via accommodation and petrol. You definitely should not be subsiding tickets for days out, or splitting meals out 50:50. The shopping is trickier unless you’re always going to have different meals to the two of them, in which case it’s easy. You shop for you and he shops for them.

Going against the grain here, when we take my dp's dd out i have paid, we don't keep score like some couples. He always pays for fuel as it's his car (mine went in divorce settlement). I don't mind treating her, she's lovely (adult ld)

It seems you need a wider talk about money, it's not good to be worrying about splitting costs all the time

It seems you need a wider talk about money, it's not good to be worrying about splitting costs all the time

Yes I agree. I think the boundaries that are set around this holiday will be what happens in the future. If I go 50/50 on everything for this holiday, then the expectation will be that I go 50/50 on everything in future.

I also don’t mind treating DPs DD, as I said, I’ve bought her clothes that she has chosen, for birthdays and Christmas. DP and I don’t live together so I am Daddy’s friend to her, not a step mother.

Like I said you just need to bring it up in conversation and ask him how thinks it can work to be "fair". I think it will be very telling to hear what he says...

If he gets all affronted etc then that is a red flag waving!!!

Do you earn similar/have similar disposable income?

I think the key thing is just saying to him "you aren't expecting to split DDs costs 50:50 with me are you?" Then have a discussion about a way to split things.

I’m thinking maybe sit down and do a rough meal plan and list what we will be buying. As well as costing days out. Then talk about how we’re going to split it.