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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Will this ever improve?

84 replies

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:19

I have been married for 2 years. Dss is now 25 years old. He lives like a slob. He blames me for his mental health problems. His mum passed away in 2016 and apparently it's all my fault that his dad now has a life and isn't 'sitting in the corner rocking' as this son and the older son who is 30 (thankfully doesn't live with us) told him in front of me that is what he should do.
I'm so tired of DH doing everything for the one who lives here like he's 10 years old. There have been a couple of times where I thought he was allowing DSS to grow up, then DSS would make another suicide attempt and we're back to DH doing everything (laundry, cooking ,cleaning etc) I can't be that wrong that an adult 25 yr old should be able to clear up his own mess? He arranges to see friends, doesn't say anything and then an hour before hes due to go out he stands in the hallway looking at DH until DH offers him a lift. Surely a 25 yr old should be able to travel independently? I just don't know what to do, I 've contacted mental health charities, he doesn't engage with go or any service or take the medication he's prescribed. He doesn't speak to me, ever. It's like something is draining the light out of the room when he is in the same room.
My ds is due to go to university in September. How on earth do I live with this 25 yr old. I've been on my own with him today, he has walked past me and ignored me, he has gone into the kitchen and ignored the dog even though she kept asking him for attention. He has made his meals and as usual left the mess everywhere. Just what do I do? DH tends to treat anything remotely normal he does as a reason for a round of applause, it's wearing me down and I feel like I didn't sign up for this

OP posts:

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:23

Its been 4 years since she passed away and you've been married 2 years did you get together quickly after her passing? It sounds like he has severe mental health problems and the death of his mother has worsen.

PinkCrayon · 05/07/2020 18:25

Wow you sound really unsympathetic to what they experienced with the death of their mum.
I take it you got together really quickly after her death if u have been married for two years already.
I think I can see why he blames you for his mental problems, you sound cold.

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:27

I just reread and you do sound cold integers to the boys mother and his suicide attempts.

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:31

Towards*

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:36

Not at all, I didn't meet his dad until 18months after their mum died. We are older so decided to marry fairly quickly after meeting. I've been the one to listen to him during these episodes, it's been almost impossible to get him help as all the mental health services say he's an adult and if he doesn't engage then they discharge him. I'm far from cold about what he has been through and have repeatedly asked DH to seek out appropriate assistance for him as the boy is obviously not coping.

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AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:38

18months is nothing after someone's death and to get married straight away I would find disrespectful to my mothers memory. I don't think I see you or speak to you either especially if you moved into the family home and ease memory of my mother.

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:39

He was working when we met, 6 months after we got married he had some kind of breakdown and left work one day without warning. He then 'scratched' his arms. I'v tried to include him in everything, he refuses to even speak to me. Yes, he has mental health problems, but we seem to be in this odd catch 22 where we get told he is an adult and must seek his own help or there is none

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:41

@AllsortsofAwkward I haven't erased any memories? Nothing was changed, the family photos are all around etc, I haven't erased anyone's memory, I actively encourage DH to mark important anniversary's etc

OP posts:

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:42

He's feelings about you are normal there's been many threads about someone's parent dying and their other parent meeting and marrying someone with 2 years, moving in to their family home and basically replacing their mothers memory. If you had any decency you would have taken his mothers death into account and not moved in and married so quickly. Has their inheritance been affected. I hope you're dh has safe guarded it.

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:44

Have you lost a parent? Do you know how damaging that is even more so when you're young and you're df marry ls (replaces his mother) within 2 years and moves her in. How insensitive can you be?

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:45

There is no inheritance. DH was in severe financial difficulty when I met him , which is also why it was logical for us to be in the same house as I now pay 90% of the bills.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:47

No, I haven't lost a parent. It seems like my wording is wrong for the step parenting board. Nobody has sought to 'replace' anybody.

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 05/07/2020 18:49

I lost my dad at the same age and my mum remarried a similar amount of time after: it was very difficult to lose a parent so long and for my mum to move on quite so quickly. I was relieved that she was happy and wanted her to have company but it stung.
It’s not your fault but his dad should have considered that a bit more. I think you have an issue with your DH rather than stepson as until he does a bit more things won’t change. There isn’t much you can do and your stepson may change his behaviour but it may take a long time unless his dad takes firmer action. By that I don’t mean being harsh but consistency and boundaries with love and understanding are possible. Perhaps some family therapy between father and son would help; especially if your DH then gets some guidance on helping his son.

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:50

So you have no idea what he feels then and to add insult to injury in his eyes his father has moved another woman into his home and married in her within 2 years he won't even had time to grieve. Is it any wonder he's struggling you're posts about the boys mother and his suicide attempts were beyond cold you want this boy outta the way.

user1493413286 · 05/07/2020 18:50

So young I meant and in my experience until you lose a parent you can’t understand how jarring it is and to lose one before you’re even really an adult changes so much.

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:52

I have no idea where you have drawn that from. He lives here and continues to live here, I am asking if there is anything his dad or I can do to help him live his life!

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PinkCrayon · 05/07/2020 18:52

18 months isnt long and to marry quickly you honestly thought that he should just get over it? I agree with AllsortsofAwkward i would also find it disrespectful to my parents memory.
Its a massive deal when your parent dies when you are fairly young, in many cases its not something someone can just get over.
You getting together and rushing into it wouldnt have helped things.
You are now facing the brunt of your poor decisions marrying a man you barely knew not thinking about the impacts of your decisions.
He sounds like an inconvenience to you the way you speak of him, like an irritatant with his mental health problems and suicide attempts.
You get annoyed that his Dad helps him because he has poor mental health.
I am a step mum and I could never be so uncaring.

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:54

Thanks user, I know I don't understand how he feels, I just wondered if there is any help available to him because at the moment there seems very little, he won't go to any kind of therapy

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Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:56

His dad does everything. He literally drops clothing on the floor and leaves it there. I have every sympathy, I've sat with him during bad times, not that he wants me there. As for not thinking about his feelings, I'm seriously considering moving out

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AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 18:57

What do you mean you have know idea where I draw it from its obvious. You've been massively insensitive to the young lad in a short time he's had to deal with the death of his mother (maybe illness?) His df dating another woman who also has a son and then getting married and moving in. You need to acknowledge what you've done.

frazzledasarock · 05/07/2020 18:58

You pay 90% of the bills?

You’re treated like shit in your own home?

I understand he has mental health issues but that’s no excuse to treat you like the house elf. Who’s meant to clean up after him?

I get how he was upset his father married fairly quickly after his mother passed away, but that was his father’s decision.

What are you going to do OP? I couldn’t live like that. Do you have your own house? I’d move out personally or kick them out if the house is yours. You can be married and live apart as I wouldn’t be able to live with an adult who treats me like shot in my own house.

I’ve lived in a house where we put ex’s nephew up, it was a horrific experience, expected to run around after a grown man who was really not my responsibility and treated me with utter disdain.

I’d seriously reassess what I could live with, and take steps to be happy.

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 18:59

I've acknowledged it many times. Thanks for the perspective as it's not so clear when living with it

OP posts:

AllsortsofAwkward · 05/07/2020 19:01

Most people with any decency would have been respectful to this late mother and took time and consideration. Especially if he's got depression and suicide attempts he's clearly struggling.

Hanab · 05/07/2020 19:03

OP you will get no sympathy or help without criticism on here by quite a few people .. you’re a step parent .. only good to pay bills, shut up & clean up🤷🏻‍♀️ Hope someone can help or direct you in a positive way.. it cannot be easy dealing with an adult with issues when more doors seem to close than open

Original poster

Lightuptheroom · 05/07/2020 19:04

@frazzledasarock
Yes
His dad does everything and has always done so, I feel like I'm being unfair to even suggest he puts a plate in the dishwasher.
No, it's not my house, we are joint tenants (housing association) it was DH tenancy and seemed logical as I was renting privately and he was getting into problems paying his bills
He doesn't treat me like anything, just completely ignores me and lives his life in a complete mess (his room is disgusting)
All help, therapy, understanding, assistance, has been refused.

OP posts:

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