Will this ever improve?

[Lightuptheroom]

I have been married for 2 years. Dss is now 25 years old. He lives like a slob. He blames me for his mental health problems. His mum passed away in 2016 and apparently it's all my fault that his dad now has a life and isn't 'sitting in the corner rocking' as this son and the older son who is 30 (thankfully doesn't live with us) told him in front of me that is what he should do.
I'm so tired of DH doing everything for the one who lives here like he's 10 years old. There have been a couple of times where I thought he was allowing DSS to grow up, then DSS would make another suicide attempt and we're back to DH doing everything (laundry, cooking ,cleaning etc) I can't be that wrong that an adult 25 yr old should be able to clear up his own mess? He arranges to see friends, doesn't say anything and then an hour before hes due to go out he stands in the hallway looking at DH until DH offers him a lift. Surely a 25 yr old should be able to travel independently? I just don't know what to do, I 've contacted mental health charities, he doesn't engage with go or any service or take the medication he's prescribed. He doesn't speak to me, ever. It's like something is draining the light out of the room when he is in the same room.
My ds is due to go to university in September. How on earth do I live with this 25 yr old. I've been on my own with him today, he has walked past me and ignored me, he has gone into the kitchen and ignored the dog even though she kept asking him for attention. He has made his meals and as usual left the mess everywhere. Just what do I do? DH tends to treat anything remotely normal he does as a reason for a round of applause, it's wearing me down and I feel like I didn't sign up for this

OP did it ever occur to you your SS could have had mental health problems before you arrived on the scene and his mother's death has now caused them to get worse?

There are still lots of people who pretend their child's mental health problems aren't happening until they are very serious. The fact that your husband refuses to do anything to actively help his son points to this.

Unless your husband decides to act there is nothing you can do. Even then as his son is an adult your husband is limited in what he can actively do if his son refuses to engage.

If you had posted on the relationships board before marrying your husband you would have been warned not to. Now you are just going to have to live with it or get divorced. In your case as you are so cold the latter would be the better option for all concerned.

And your own son lives with you, too, in this unhappy house? He's what, 17 or 18?

My ds is due to go to university in September

It must have been a bloody hard year for your son, too.

Why did you marry and move in so quickly, with so many young people involved?

Ah, he didn't have mental health problems @Redrumthehorse. His dad has tried everything, DSS won't go to the GP and won't allow his dad to go to appointments. He saw a CPN who discharged him as he pulled a hood over his face and wouldn't speak to her. He lives in a world of computer games and Warhammer. I'm not sure how I can be cold when I provide all he needs

You didn't know him long enough to know if he has mental health problems. Alot of mental health problems such as depression go unnoticed.

Personally I wouldn't stay, OP

I'd find this extremely frustrating OP, I think you need to deal with your DA and get him to stop picking up the mess constantly and doing his washing etc, it sounds likes he's compensating for his guilt and prob blames himself for his sons mental health but the current approach isn't making him better. If he can get himself out the house to meet friends he has the ability to act like an adult

DH not DA!

Ds has found it difficult, but he gets on well with DH, we met through a mutual hobby of theirs. Fully accept that he most likely had depression that wasn't diagnosed.

@Lightuptheroom

Ah, he didn't have mental health problems *@Redrumthehorse*. His dad has tried everything, DSS won't go to the GP and won't allow his dad to go to appointments. He saw a CPN who discharged him as he pulled a hood over his face and wouldn't speak to her. He lives in a world of computer games and Warhammer. I'm not sure how I can be cold when I provide all he needs

And you know how? You must have been intimately involved in their family life when his mother was alive.

You clearly aren't providing all he needs as your posts show. I also guess you never lost a parent at a young age as otherwise you would realise you cannot replace that parent. If you are lucky as a step-parent you can be a different trusted, respected and loved adult but you will never be that person's parent.

@flossiegrippiter , DH acknowledges that is what is happening, the thing is each time he stops DSS will threaten suicide, so I feel that they both need help

@RedRumTheHorse I never knew them before. The first suicide attempt came 5 months after we married, there was no indication of it prior to that. No I haven't lost a parent as I've already said. I have never sought to replace his mum at all.

You clearly aren't providing all he needs

As usual the woman gets the blame

It’s the boy’s Dad’s job to care for his son, and he chose to move on and remarry. The boy’s mother is dead. It sounds as if OP has tried to find support for the boy - why aren’t you all piling on to the Dad, who’s probably continued his life in a fairly similar way post-death of first wife?

5 months after you married and moved into his home he attempted suicide for the first time, his mother had been dead just 2 years, he totally ignores you and you can’t see the link?

If you can’t live like this and he won’t accept help or engage with MH services then you need to move out. I suspect your DSS has unresolved grief, both sons feel he moved on too soon and have expressed this. Now whether he did or not it sounds like your DH is trying to over compensate.

Did you wait until you were married to move in or was it quicker?

@HopeClearwater unfortunately his wife died very suddenly, DH got himself into a mess coping afterwards, which didn't help the two boys, who were around 22 and 26. The older one decided to emigrate before I met his dad and was in the process of doing so when we met.

Nothing will change here. If I were your DH I would be doing everything in my power to facilitate my DS so he doesn’t harm himself and I would want you fully on my side. If you can’t be then you probably should leave.

I didn't move in until we married, I was renting my own house (was divorced for 16 years) and we definitely didn't want to attempt to move his sons into somewhere they would perceive as my house. As I've tried to explain, the older boy had met someone online before I even knew his dad and was in the process of emigrating. We asked both of our sons before we did anything at all and would have waited if either had indicated that they didn't like the idea, in fact DSS kept enforcing how much he wanted us to be together as he didn't want to be responsible for his dad"s welfare once the older son had gone

His mum passed away in 2016 and apparently it's all my fault that his dad now has a life and isn't 'sitting in the corner rocking' as this son and the older son who is 30 (thankfully doesn't live with us) told him in front of me that is what he should do.

We asked both of our sons before we did anything at all and would have waited if either had indicated that they didn't like the idea, in fact DSS kept enforcing how much he wanted us to be together as he didn't want to be responsible for his dad"s welfare once the older son had gone

I’m confused

Op .. YOU have to realise that whilst you thought the 'step parenting' board was for support for step parents it is in fact now completely invaded by people who hate and despise ANY woman in a relationship with a man with children !!

To be ABSOLUTELY CLEAR... YOU have done nothing wrong. The fault lies entirely with the your husband and the way that HE has not considered his sons reaction to the mothers death.

If anything, you have saved the day financially and emotionally for your husband . I really do understand this as I lost my father at 13 and my mother remarried when I was 19 .. and even then it took me a good few years to understand.

It's incredibly common for people who had a GOOD marriage to look for another spouse quickly. Their experience of marriage was good so they want to repeat it .. quickly. You are on the receiving end which is great as a spouse but children of any age will not be in the same need for replacement and rail against it.

There is little you can do at the moment. You love your husband and he loves you. My advice is to carry on and let time do it's work.. Try to develop interests outside your marriage that occupy your mind and take it away from the drudge of domesticity. Let his father do the babying and lay down some ground rules about how the house is kept. Whist you have some other activity to occupy yourself.

If SS wants to live in squalor in his own room - fine - but not in the rest of the house. Tell your husband that you will put up with the behaviour as long as he clears up after him. If he doesn't then you will leave.

Eventually SS will get through it, or meet someone and move out or become civilised. The 'suicide attempts' are almost certainly cries for attention and distress which his father should pay attention to.

This is ALL of his fathers making and his fathers issues to deal with.

@fatgirlslimmer I have an 18 yr old DS, DH sons are 25 and 30, we asked his younger Ds and my ds what they wanted us to do before we married, the older one had already set plans in motion to emigrate

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel , I think you are right, it's come to a head during lockdown as I've been forced to work from home and all outside activity has stopped, which forces us to be around each other

'OP you will get no sympathy or help without criticism on here by quite a few people .. you’re a step parent .. only good to pay bills, shut up & clean up🤷🏻‍♀️ '

I am a step mum myself, I am not going to just agree with OP just because shes a step mum 🙈

' why aren’t you all piling on to the Dad, who’s probably continued his life in a fairly similar way post-death of first wife ?'

Firstly people havent piled on her, her initial post was cold I pointed that out to op as did various others as it was blatently obvious.
secondly he isnt on the thread therefore I cant advise him where hes messed up here, although his current actions now make me think he feels guilty for what he has done.
My mum moved on fairly quickly after my dad died I was a similar age to ops ss, loosing my Dad rocked my entire world, I suffered ptsd, my mum wanted to marry someone after knowing them for a very short period of time and it really messed with my head.
Loosing a parent young is extremely difficult to add on top a quick marriage to a new stepmum into the mix its alot to take on board for someone who is greiving for their parent. And to not even acknowledge what impact that their actions have created here shows a gross lack of empathy.

You're paying 90% of the bills to get treated like crap. Regardless of the reason this needs to stop for your sake. If DSS doesn't want you there then move out and rent your own flat to give him and DH some space. Perhaps DSS will then stop blaming everything on you and find the space he needs. Dh will have to step up to encourage him to engage in real help and not just be his maid and he may be more motivated to do this when he doesn't have you paying his way. It sounds like you made a mistake marrying if he is so poor with money and has left you paying the bills whilst allowing his son to treat you appallingly. Clearly the current situation cannot continue; it sounds utterly toxic all round.

@PinkCrayon
I don't view that people are piling on me, I appreciate the different view points, it's difficult to express in words on a post what is going on here day by day and believe me I have absolute empathy for this boy

DH got himself into a mess coping afterwards

What did this look like in practice?

This comment makes some previous posters’ input look even nastier. You’re trying to look after everyone here but are still being treated poorly. And when you come here for help and advice, you get criticised. Come on other posters, help a woman out!

@HopeClearwater in practise, he stopped looking after himself, the house looked like a rubbish tip, the garden was inaccessible because of the rubbish piled up he stopped functioning other than cooking and doing his sons laundry.