Will this ever improve?

[Lightuptheroom]

I have been married for 2 years. Dss is now 25 years old. He lives like a slob. He blames me for his mental health problems. His mum passed away in 2016 and apparently it's all my fault that his dad now has a life and isn't 'sitting in the corner rocking' as this son and the older son who is 30 (thankfully doesn't live with us) told him in front of me that is what he should do.
I'm so tired of DH doing everything for the one who lives here like he's 10 years old. There have been a couple of times where I thought he was allowing DSS to grow up, then DSS would make another suicide attempt and we're back to DH doing everything (laundry, cooking ,cleaning etc) I can't be that wrong that an adult 25 yr old should be able to clear up his own mess? He arranges to see friends, doesn't say anything and then an hour before hes due to go out he stands in the hallway looking at DH until DH offers him a lift. Surely a 25 yr old should be able to travel independently? I just don't know what to do, I 've contacted mental health charities, he doesn't engage with go or any service or take the medication he's prescribed. He doesn't speak to me, ever. It's like something is draining the light out of the room when he is in the same room.
My ds is due to go to university in September. How on earth do I live with this 25 yr old. I've been on my own with him today, he has walked past me and ignored me, he has gone into the kitchen and ignored the dog even though she kept asking him for attention. He has made his meals and as usual left the mess everywhere. Just what do I do? DH tends to treat anything remotely normal he does as a reason for a round of applause, it's wearing me down and I feel like I didn't sign up for this

Do you think you are a 'rescuer' type?

Because you'll get no thanks for it. Meanwhile your own DS is probably bewildered and aware on some level of your unhappiness, but feeling guilty for going along with it.

You really are allowed to leave, you know.

I lost my first husband very young, I was mid 20's. We didn't have children and I can't comprehend the speed at which your husband moved on.

While you think there were no issues I wonder if your husband was just blinkered to them. In all honesty I think the dynamic with his son shows your husband is still deeply grieving and is compensating.

Their pain is real and they both need help. But your life is your life, you deserve somebody who is capable and ready to be your husband. This isn't your fault, but probably isn't something you can or should fix.

For your own sake I would question if you really want this from your life.

I have quite an opposing view, I think, because this MAN is 25. This isn't a 12yr old who needs the moschildhood parenting.

By no respect am I diminishing the anguish of losing his mother. Simply that he is an adult. Legally for 7+ years now. He is his own responsibility. Of course DH should support him in the best way he can, that goes without saying. But this is not a minor who's best interest is determined by a parent. This is an adult refusing to take the help he needs.

OP I'm not sure what you're supposed to do here. You can't frog march a grown man to the doctors. You're quite clear that in no way are you trying to replace his mother, and you encourage respecting her memory. You can only do what you can.

Moschildhood?? Childhood.

I am not a rescuer, we met at a time neither of us was looking for a relationship. DH grieves every day, it doesn't stop or diminish because he met someone else, there are lots of memories that I have no part in that he talks about all the time, we remember his wife daily, he didn't move on and forget her.

Thanks @Lightuptheroom I can see that now.
Could dh and ss go to counselling together?
And then eventually you all as a unit have counselling together ?
If you do feel like you need to move out though please do.
or if you just need to take a break from it all.
lockdown has been particularly hard on people with mental health issues.
And living with it all I can understand would be tough.

@PinkCrayon we have tried to set up counselling for DH and as, nothing to do with me, as refused to get in the car and ran away, disappeared until after the appointment, turned his phone off and was effectively missing. We rang the crisis line and were told as he's an adult there is nothing they can do, all we could do was phone the police, who wouldn't do anything, yet again because he's an adult , and they didn't believe he was enough of a risk to himself.

Sorry, that should say DH and ss

OP this sounds horrendous.

Your problem is with your DH as he enables your SS to treat you and the house as he does. If DH isn't prepared to change how he handles it I don't think there's much else you can do, other than leave, sadly.

Does your DH pull his weight?

@helpmum2003 DH does everything , I've continually had to ask him to realise he is not required to be the housekeeper etc , because I work full time and he's registered disabled, he feels he should be doing all the things in the home that take up time, but in doing so has allowed a 25 yr old to not bother to clean up after himself in any way shape or form . Dss makes it very clear he doesn't want me here and I've got some serious thinking to do about how we go forward, he even does things like not flushing the toilet and leaving the lid up, which to me is pure laziness. At the start of lockdown he decided that he was the only one equipped to care for his dad properly as DH is in the shielding group, when I very gently pointed out that he rarely does anything ( and I mean very gently) and often doesn't leave his room for days or weeks on end , a Facebook post appeared saying how much he hates me and nobody understands his dad like he does. As I say, lots of problems and lots of thinking to do

OP I feel you’re being unfairly treated here, Surely you didn’t force this man down the aisle so how people are blaming you for “replacing” the mother I don’t understand

Yes at 25 the man-child is old enough to look after himself and realistically if you are supporting the entire household paying 90% of the bills you are within your rights to want to be at least acknowledged by your DSC

You could speak with DH regarding this and explain how you’re feeling, maybe if DSC are so enraged you are “replacing” their mother and are pissed at you living in the family home then it needs to be made clear to them that you are literally keeping the family home roof above their heads

It does sound like DSS has severe mental health issues, And I really feel for you all in this situation

What is your DH’s long term plans for this? Is he planning to keep DSS Living with you forever?

@Callingallskeletons when DSS talks to DH, he talks about plans to move out, the perfect job he's going to get etc, yet he does nothing to achieve these things, in some ways its like listening to a much younger person dreaming of being a professional gamer, that sort of thing.
It's so difficult because always hanging over us is if we try to 'make' him do something he threatens suicide, which is then a very real risk and forces his dad to back peddle dramatically over any decisions.

I really do like this young man, he has so much potential, if you heard him talking online to his mates you wouldn't believe the person on the other end is so non functioning. I wish we could find help for him

I think DH is hoping that once my ds has flown then it will somehow give DSS incentive to do something else, but I afraid that the reaction I saw when we were talking about ds moving out was one of elation that he would have his dad to himself, which there is no reason it shouldn't be, but DH also has a life and with DSS actively choosing not to engage with life I can see a lot of problems

Tough one .. I'd say cut your losses LTB DSS. You cannot help someone until they are ready to change.

For myself I doubt that that the current situation is anything to do with the timing of your marriage. Ii do think the death of a parent can have the effect of changing a young persons outlook in that it can be hard for them to think long term when they have been shown how futile that might be. The period of time between university and getting established with a job/career/friends can be one of the hardest times in life when the question of who you are is in the forefront.

Unfortunately the whole set up here is problematic. Depression does
not excuse rudeness and nor should a pattern of "threats" be effective to undermine appropriate boundaries. You and DH should decide together what is acceptable and what is not and this is a test for you as a couple. You cannot be on eggshells in your own home.

he stopped looking after himself, the house looked like a rubbish tip, the garden was inaccessible because of the rubbish piled up he stopped functioning other than cooking and doing his sons laundry.

I'm struggling to see what the attraction was tbh. Especially with the financial issues added to this.

Dss makes it very clear he doesn't want me here and I've got some serious thinking to do about how we go forward, he even does things like not flushing the toilet

I couldn't live this way and I wouldn't have had my own DS having to put up with it like you have done.

I bet your son can't wait to rescale this madness, where his mum gets ignored and his step brother doesn't want you there.

The whole threatening suicide sounds manipulative to me really.

Having said all that...I do think you got married/moved in too quickly.

I think marrying after 6 months when your DH's wife had only been dead 2 years (especially a sudden death) was the wrong move completely and I also wonder at the motivations of you both. Why would you want to marry a man who was going to pieces when you met him?
I also think you've not exactly picked a winner, given you pay for everything and he doesn't seem able to parent in any way.

Thanks for all your insights, much to think about

I just wondered if there is any help available to him because at the moment there seems very little, he won't go to any kind of therapy
It doesn't work like that sadly. This boy has clearly deep rooted issues that he has probably been dealing with before but overwhelmed him when his mum died.

His dad clearly fell apart and maybe relied heavy on his sons to grieve. Then he meets you, he is happy again, he moves in, and son is left emotionally alone on his pain. He probably felt abandonned again as he suddenly relied on you to feel better when before, he would have got that support from his sons. Marrying so quickly was the nail in the coffin.

He is now doing everything for his son for one out of guilt and to show him he still cares for him and secondly because when you're so deeply depressed, caring after yourself is something you are incapable of. Pushing him to do it is only going to make him spiral downwards again. Its not a priority in his recovery. Yet, he needs to have clean clothes and room, so his dad is helping him taking that pressure from him.

There is no medication, therapy that is just going to make him suddenly better. In all likelihood, it might take quite some time. The only thing that could potentially make him quickly get better us doing the same as his dad and finding someone to love and loves him back.

His attitude towards you is likely not personal. In his eyes, you're just the person who took his dad from him and broke the bond and support net they'd formatter his mum died.

Many thanks @dontdisturbmenow, though his sons were not giving any support, most likely because they couldn't through their own grief. The oldest one sadly I witnessed him being rude, aggressive and very bullying , whilst equally not doing any kind of basic tasks. Maybe that's how the grief hit him. DH recognises that he does all of this out of guilt, he doesn't allow his dad in his room at all. I know there is no suddenly better, I just felt he really needed professional assistance just to start living life again and we keep hitting the brick wall with professionals that unless he self refers they can't do anything, I feel that it's far worse than pamphlets about taking time to talk or whatever they want to call it as he just won't ring and make an appointment. As with lots of situations, professionals can't make him do it, but it seems there is nothing for young people who could do with a peer mentor or similar. We were looking for supported housing for him so that he could take a few steps to independence but there is no such service where we live. I'm stepping away for the time being so that he can see that his dad is supporting him, because I think he does feel that his safety net is being filtered through a third person. I know it's not personal, it's that he needs a clear pathway to his dad at the moment

his sons were not giving any support, most likely because they couldn't through their own grief
Support comes in many forms and during grief can just be a physical presence and just bring there for eachother despite few words. 18 months just the three of them sharing their grief, they would have supported each other.

He lost this from his dad by marrying you so quickly. Now you are taking about him moving into shelter accommodation, another step to make him feel that he is just baggage to be disposed.

8ndeprndence is not what he needs right now. It is what would suit you. What he needs is someone to make realised that he isn't alone in this scary world and lovable.

In his mind, he probably feels like he's been abandoned twice. Your OH feels guilty because he knew that in some ways he has replaced the emotional support he was Sharing with his son with yours.

We started to look at supported accomodation as he asked us to help him look for somewhere to live and we felt he wasn't well enough without support, he responds a lot better to peer support rather than older people. We have never sought to move him out, far from it, again, this is where words on a page make it difficult to describe.
I fully take on board what you are saying. DH felt that he didn't want his son to feel that he had to look after him rather than being his son, so we got that very wrong. It's most likely that his son wanted nothing more than to be his dad's carer and he feels I pushed him out of that role. As I say, lots of thinking to do and stepping away and letting them be a unit.

Yes I think so. My apologies for assuming it was his dad/you pushing for assisted accommodation. The fact it was him is good, unless it was a test to see whether this is indeed what his dad/you want so that can again give him ammunity to his feelings of rejection.

Its a tough situation and as said, the best for him would be to meet someone and start a relationship. Has he ever had a serious one?

He had one very serious relationship, but unfortunately the young lady was seeing multiple people, including one of his friends and when she decided to reject DSS in favour of a friend, DSS other friends kindly called DSS 'a mug' , first we knew about it was DSS taking a knife from the kitchen draw....
Dss seems to have huge problems judging reality and computer world, many of his friends are virtual and he always comes across as mega confident when talking to them.