Will this ever improve?

[Lightuptheroom]

I have been married for 2 years. Dss is now 25 years old. He lives like a slob. He blames me for his mental health problems. His mum passed away in 2016 and apparently it's all my fault that his dad now has a life and isn't 'sitting in the corner rocking' as this son and the older son who is 30 (thankfully doesn't live with us) told him in front of me that is what he should do.
I'm so tired of DH doing everything for the one who lives here like he's 10 years old. There have been a couple of times where I thought he was allowing DSS to grow up, then DSS would make another suicide attempt and we're back to DH doing everything (laundry, cooking ,cleaning etc) I can't be that wrong that an adult 25 yr old should be able to clear up his own mess? He arranges to see friends, doesn't say anything and then an hour before hes due to go out he stands in the hallway looking at DH until DH offers him a lift. Surely a 25 yr old should be able to travel independently? I just don't know what to do, I 've contacted mental health charities, he doesn't engage with go or any service or take the medication he's prescribed. He doesn't speak to me, ever. It's like something is draining the light out of the room when he is in the same room.
My ds is due to go to university in September. How on earth do I live with this 25 yr old. I've been on my own with him today, he has walked past me and ignored me, he has gone into the kitchen and ignored the dog even though she kept asking him for attention. He has made his meals and as usual left the mess everywhere. Just what do I do? DH tends to treat anything remotely normal he does as a reason for a round of applause, it's wearing me down and I feel like I didn't sign up for this

@Lighruptheroom I think at this point in time you need to slightly remove the dm's death from the equation & see the relationship/dynamic between your dh & his sons for what it is - toxic & no good for any of them & probably a dynamic that was established well before, but heightened & 'developed' by their dm's death.
I too lost my dad suddenly when I was 22. I was devastated & really struggled to cope, I stared drinking too much & I barely scrapped through my final year of college. However, this stage of grief passed - as it does & I became 'functional' again, one reason being because I had to; I had to get a job & start paying my way. I should have received counselling at the time but I didn't & years later I suffered from pnd which was directly connected to latent grief over my dad. My point here being I had many setbacks but always took responsibility for how I was feeling and at that point got medication & got a therapist. One of the biggest issues for me in grieving both when he died and in later years was that my dm was not there for me & while I loved her dearly her grief & loneliness shut her down as a parent & in truth the day my father died was the day I stopped being a child; it was the day I ceased depending on my mother. In truth I would have loved if she had met someone. She always said she could never look at another man because she didn't need to, but she often commented on male friends who remarried quickly because "men don't cope very well with being alone" (her words not mine ). I'm sure I would have struggled a bit if she'd met someone but I genuinely think I would have been happy for her - because I loved her.
My father's death affected me for years, but because I am a fairly together person with relatively good relationships with extended family & friends I dealt with that grief alone, & when I say alone I mean it in the sense that I didn't make other people responsible for sorting me out which I what I see happening in your situation. My mother was not there for me as her child (my perception) when my father died, but she needed to tend to her own grief which she expected me as an adult (her perception) to respect; she expected me as an adult to help myself. In retrospect this was actually a hard but healthy lesson to learn, with clear boundaries.
I genuinely think that if the dynamics between your dh & his dc had been heathy from the get go they would not now be locked in this cycle of codependent grief which has become a way of life for them all.
I think you were misguided in marrying so quickly because you married into a heightened emotional dynamic (grief) that has since 'settled' & has settled very badly.

As I see it you cannot sort out your dss because (despite what some on here will try make you believe) you are not actually the problem - you became part of a problem which already existed (family disfunction) & you've now become both the prop & the scapegoat.
In all honesty if I were you I'd leave. I don't necessarily mean for good, but I would tell your dh that you are backing out for a while in order to let him & his dss's get some space to work on repairing their dynamics. You could still see your dh if you wanted but I think removing yourself, your own ds who must really not like this situation & your money from this toxic environment is weirdly, the only way your marriage might actually survive. Your dh sounds like he has a huge amount of work to do on himself & also on his relationship to his dc who are ADULTS who are being let take no responsibility for their mental, physical or financial states. And as things stand they don't need to because you're there to blame for everything being shit while your money props up no one having to actually get up if their arses & face responsibilities.

You've summed it up very well @Magda72, so sorry for what you went through.

Oh dear, so betrayed by the one person he loved. Its no surprise he feels abandoned left right and centre. The poor guy must have such attachment issues.

Do step back and don't focus on the mess and lack of looking after himself. This behaviour is totally typical of someone with self-esteem issues. The focus needs to be on him learning to live and trust again and thereat will follow.

Could your DH's refusal to stop enabling his DS be left over guilt with DH dealt with his wife's death?
You seem to have entered his life at a time DH hadnt learnt to be on his own and supporting his children and you have yaken on the job of looking after them all.

You deserve better. The son is 25, it is unfortunate his mum died, but he has to learn how to function moving forward and his father isnt helping him do that.

You are not there to save them all. You deserve to get as much back from the relationship that you put in.

Its all well talking about learning. When you are in such a deptessed mood that you want to end your life, learning is not the fore front of needs, surviving is, and he needs to have something to make him want to for a start.

First of all, you are not step mother or any kind of mother to this young man and therefore have no responsibility over him.
I wouldn't stay in the house with someone who ignores my presence let alone other rudeness what ver mental health issues he has.
Tell your DH how it makes you feel, if no plan to move this young man is offered then I would move out /make them move out. You can date but don't live together.
It is horrible he lost his mother, but it is not your fault. He is not a child and you shouldn't allow anyone to ruin your life and make you so unhappy on daily basis

I'm sorry but this is silly. He's 25. Not a kid, an adult. Whether you married too early or not is not your fault, it lies on DH to consider HIS children, your responsibility at that time was DS. And him grieving his mother and needing counselling etc is NOT an excuse for horrible behaviour. It is not acceptable that a 25 year old plays video games all day, doesn't work, doesn't let anyone in his room, doesn't help out at home and treats the person that puts a roof over his head and food on the table like that!! Absurd that some think this is OK. You wrote at some point that because he is an adult and because he isn't considered a threat to himself, he can't get forced to get help. It says a lot actually that professionals don't deem him a threat to himself. Suicidal people don't threaten to commit suicide. It seems to me he is clearly manipulating your DH. Enough babying of this man child. I would put my foot down to your DH and say either you move out and its over, or he deals with his son. Ground rules for the house, everyone treats each other with respect and he should keep things civil with you. SS is to do x, y and z house chores and start pulling his weight. He is to get a job and start saving for an independent future. He is also to start therapy, with or without DH. If he doesn't agree then kick him out. Do not work full-time and spend another cent on SS. That money can go towards DS's future, your retirement or anything else worthy of it. Bonkers to think you have to put up with this because he lost his mum. I would however question if you think staying married to DH is even worth it, it's clear he has some issues on his own and I doubt he will be able to step up and PARENT his child, which he has clearly failed at

And for what it's worth, you don't seem cold to me, I think you are someone who is fed up which might appear as cold/not caring. Somewhere over time it's gone from being supportive of their grieving and trying to hold the fort, into babying and enabling SS to the point that you and DH have become hostages to his manipulative behaviour that because he lost his mum he can act whatever way he wants. And now you've had enough, hence no longer having empathy for him. We all struggle when we lose someone and it must have been horrible for SS, but it's one thing braking down and needing time to sort yourself, it's another to be disrespectful and manipulative. I might be completely wrong of course but I feel much more sorry for your own son who is caught up in all of this

He is being vile and there is no excuse. My mother died when I was aged 20. I would of loved my dad to have met someone else. Would of took some of the responsibility off my shoulders feeling I needed to look after him. Also at that age I was too old for someone to take over the mother figure and I would go hoped I could of seen them as a friend and a companion for my dad. I think you may just need to have a chat just you and him so he can get his problems with you out in the open.