She spoils every day

[ailmam]

There are no set days for when my partner sees his daughter. She only lives round the corner and phones nearly every day to see us. She's 12. We've only been together 6 months and I feel the dating period is over already . I can't relax knowing the phone can go any minute and she'll want to come over. We get on well but I didn't expect it to be like this . I know I should leave the relationship but I love him 😔
He'd never say no to her he's told me that . I have to go don't I 😔

MellowBirds85 it's that kind of ridiculous heresy that will get you toasted on MN !

The VERY IDEA that separated parents would even consider a relationship before their children are adults (and only then with the dc/sdc explicit written permission) is absolutely disgusting... as for living with your bf after 6 months - call social services without delay.

I am a heretic. Met DH in December. Met the kids (mine and his) first time 6 weeks later. Moved in a month after that. Married 18 years.

He never put his kids first, me first or my dc.. we ALL deserve consideration depending on the situation. We have a right to couple time . As long as the children have been looked after, loved, fed and watered.

The argument that 'if she lived with you all the time' doesn't hold up. If she lived there all the time you would know that. You would plan together time by hiring a babysitter/sorting out a sleepover with friends. That's what we did when DH , me and my kids were all at home. (Grown up now) .. if we had planned an evening out and DSD called to say 'can I come I over' the answer would be - not tonight, Squirrel and I are going out/busy/working... how about tomorrow'

It's called boundaries. We all need to learn them. Regardless of being a stepchild /child. Sometimes the adults are allowed to come first. It's called being selfless . Not teaching children this , is to do them a disservice.

OP - I don't think you are remotely unreasonable to ask your DP to put in some boundaries, when you have both made plans for either a couples night in or doing something together outside the house.

If he won't entertain it, then you have a Disney dad on your hands and should run for the hills.

If your DP was as keen to spend time alone with you as you are with him, then this wouldn't happen.

So take it as a sign that he is happy with the way things are.

This relationship as it is, isn't working for you. There's no right or wrong....but perhaps a man with children isn't for you.

I agree with recent posters and in fairness I outright refused to look at a house that was a street away from my DPs ex and kids as I knew very well life would become chaotic and we would get zero time without demands from the ex and or kids

I'm not saying that's right but there we have it you have to look at the bigger picture and take everyone into account

And how many people would honestly say they would relish living right next to the ex!

If he won't entertain it, then you have a Disney dad on your hands and should run for the hills.

So him putting his daughter before someone else and seeing her when she wants, which is regularly makes him a Disney dad? Interesting.

@Songbird232018 we actually do live a few streets away from the ex. I wasn't keen at first though dss lived with us at the time so it made no difference in that respect. She has a much bigger issue with it, however and actively walks about a mile longer home from work as not to bump into me on the school run

This isn't the relationship for you.

She's his child. She will be priority, and that's right. If it doesn't work for you, that doesn't make you a bad person but it does mean you should move on sooner rather than later.

@trustthegenie omg that would be the same it's awful but bumping into at supermarkets would be awful as they have very little communication.

It's not really about the kids as we would get that worked out to suit everyone but she clearly had the same idea as me because when the kids brought it up to her that we were looking at the house opposite the road she texted my partner and said don't even think about it 😂😂

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel I think I'm going to get your post made onto a pillow 👍🏻👍🏻 that's perfectly how life needs to go. Kids do not benefit from partners bending to their very desire and want

God people on MN are strange. They get such a smug satisfaction by "putting people in their place" - "you're barely out of the dating stage, you're basically nothing to him, blah blah blah". Such a weird attitude towards people that dare to mention issues during the early stages of a relationship. Even more ridiculous are the people saying you're a terrible person for this 🙄 You're not saying anything radical OP, and it's not unreasonable to want be able to make plans that will be stuck to, and to have a decent life balance. But if he's already failing at this at 6 months it's highly likely it will become an ongoing issue with him. You will probably have a lifetime of this if you stick around.

To be fair it's not a normal time with Covid I'm sure when schools return there won't be so much of this.

I would hope that dc would think that they could drop in and out of both parents houses for visits.
It also doesn't seem unreasonable that you and DP set aside a date night once a week which is for the two of you.
But given how new your relationship is I would be inclined to call time on it and find a better situation for yourself.

If it is every single day, then there is no surprise and it becomes standard, so * expect this is quite an over exageration.

So it comes down to how often it really happens and the quality time spent together and how much effort is put into it.

Whilst I do agree it's better to have set contact days purely to allow everyone to organise their day to day lives better I dont think you should be in a relationship with a man like this if you already see his child coming over as a problem.

My step daughter is 16 and drops in on us all the time. It never bothers me at all.

If you feel like shes encroaching on your time with your partner that wont change and she is very perfectly entitled to be there whenever she wants to.

This is so sad. She's his daughter, it's her home too isn't it? What about when a parent is widowed, as my mother was? They have no choice but to have their children 24/7, and all of those parents, usually mothers, whose partners leave without a backward glance and never see their children - are those parents never able to date because their children are with them 24/7?

He's a parent and that's fine, but you deserve to be with someone who actually has time to start a new relationship.

Exactly this. Ignore all the spiteful posters. They are attracted to any step parent posts and gleefully attack step parents. They add zero value and don’t take it personally.

are those parents never able to date because their children are with them 24/7?

Of course they can, but only with people who are comfortable with that arrangement. It will naturally limit their dating field, but not to nothing. It's unreasonable to expect everyone to he perfectly happy in a relationship with someone who lives with their kids full time.

Lots of replies talking about it being important to have evenings together, which is true, but I didn't get the impression this was about evenings - she's 12 and not in school because of Lockdown. Surely these are unusual times and things will change once school starts back and she doesn't have so much time to fill. Also explains why it wasn't like this at the beginning...

YANBU to feel annoyed if you and your partner have plans and he changes them if she calls, but are you just talking about during the day while you're both at home? Because I think that's quite nice she feels she can come round for a bit to break up the day.

Sandybval Yes !!! It does ... if you were in a conventional set up with a mum dad and 12 yr old and you had planned a night out, would you be happy with your husband cancelling it because your 12 year old fancied spending time with you ?

I have my own kids so not just a step parent.. MY answer to that would be 'NO' "dad and I are going out for dinner" we will see you in the morning. .. as long as there was no serious reason why she needed us.

Parents /step parents are ALLOWED a life too. It's not about her being there, it's about her SUDDENLY ARRIVING ..
sorry but co-parenting set ups are not the same as nuclear family set ups. Pretending they are is not going to help anyone.

As a step mother to 4 and mother to 3 it takes a LOT of patience love and understanding. Sometimes the kids needs are most definitely a priority. However sometimes they are t . (This is the bit MN forgets)

The MOST important thing to children is STABILITY . A stable relationship requires work and some alone time together . It does SC no more good for a parent to keep splitting with a partner than it does a biological child. It is also no bad thing to teach children that other peoples needs are also important.

Have I ever cancelled an event with my DH (their DSF ) because there was a genuine need to do so ? You bet I have , God knows how many times. However the need has to be genuine. Not just a 'whim' of wanting to spend time with me.

I have 7 children. That's how I see it. Have been with them since youngest was nearly 3 .. she is now 21. They ALL lived with us between 12 - 19 (uni and part time since) so I am pretty secure in thinking we had it (mostly) right. This was out of choice because their dm (despite marrying affair-partner) spent 10 years trying to denigrate me and DH .. but kids see through it.

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

Am I reading your timeline correctly? You moved in with your boyfriend and your/his kids 10 weeks after meeting?

I couldn’t love a man who DIDNT put his child first

You will find he always always puts his DD first, there is nothing you can do to change that.
I'd cut and run now before you get too involved.

I am with the posters on this that dont agree that it’s unreasonable to expect him to say no sometimes. This would annoy me too. It may have worked to not have set days when he didn’t have anyone else to consider, but now he does so things should adjust. If it has always been this way it is likely to be difficult to change, but I don’t think unreasonable to know when to expect them and when not to at all. Maybe now is the time he needs to think about set days as I can’t think of many people at all that are going to want to be in that situation.

excelledyourself yep...

Sorry to say that I don't subscribe to the MN mantra of not meeting for six months.. neither I nor my children had that time to waste.

If DH had been an arse with my children (or to be fair he thought the same of me with his) it would have been a non-starter and I would have knocked it on the head.

What on Earth is the point of having six months without children. ??? It's a nonsense and not remotely my real life (or his !)

Now the children are grown and we are 18 years on and it's just him and me , of COURSE it's easy . Only have to consider the two of us. ! I only have to consider myself... back then , I needed to know what kind of parent he was and what kind of step parent he would be. Luckily he proved himself at the first meeting and focussed entirely on how his kids were reacting .

This would frustrate me too. DP and I always plan in advance jointly when DSCs are coming over. We've been together much longer than 6 months but I don't think that's necessarily the point. I agree with others who have pointed out the need for a balance - he has a child but he also has a partner. In a nuclear family parents would have planned date nights and make time for each other, I don't think anyone would see this as "wrong" or think it appropriate to cancel this last minute because there child wants to spend time with you (obviously assuming it wasn't an emergency situation). There would be other opportunities for family time, and this should hold equal importance as "couple time". It does make me cringe when people say "the children must come first". Obviously not realising that continually putting children above the needs of adults 100% of the time results in unhappy and burnt out parents/step parents, which in turn will impact on the whole household and family mood and dynamic, thereby inevitably impacting on the children in a negative way. If all family members, adults and chicken included, feel valued and are able to have their equally as valid and important needs met, surely this makes for a more harmonious family set up? Just my opinion. And it works well for us.

Obviously I meant *children and not chicken!! I don't have chickens... and if I did I don't think I'd ask their opinion on family time. 🤣