She spoils every day

[ailmam]

There are no set days for when my partner sees his daughter. She only lives round the corner and phones nearly every day to see us. She's 12. We've only been together 6 months and I feel the dating period is over already . I can't relax knowing the phone can go any minute and she'll want to come over. We get on well but I didn't expect it to be like this . I know I should leave the relationship but I love him 😔
He'd never say no to her he's told me that . I have to go don't I 😔

Wilberforce1 - How will the Dad ever have a new relationship?

Erm...nothing the op has said mentioned the daughter hanging around 24/7. Why is dad so desperate to move his gf in in such a short amount of time?

Do biological parents never say no to their children or is it just stepchildren who have this right to have their every want fulfilled, whether reasonable or not?

Do biological parents never say no to their children or is it just stepchildren who have this right to have their every want fulfilled, whether reasonable or not?

Not really relevant, as this isn’t a child wanting every want fulfilled, it’s a child spending time with her parent. Yes as a biological parent I’m there for my children when they need me.

It is unreasonable if he cancels your plans together for dd (unless she is ill or upset and needs him).

If you are in the house house not doing much his dd should be welcome anytime. It should be her home. If you can't get on board with that I would leave him as asking him to restrict dds access is not fair on anyone.

@AbacabMR

Do biological parents never say no to their children or is it just stepchildren who have this right to have their every want fulfilled, whether reasonable or not?

I dunno, but my children also don't have to phone me and physically walk to my house, so...

And considering her father's house is her home too

(and this child isn't a step child)

Oh and op said She only lives round the corner and phones nearly every day to see us.

So it isn't everyday

Not really relevant, as this isn’t a child wanting every want fulfilled, it’s a child spending time with her parent. Yes as a biological parent I’m there for my children when they need me.

Well it is relevant as there are posters on this thread saying that the child should be able to see her father when she wants and shouldn’t be told no at any time. That children should always come first.

The problem is that you didn't discuss it when you agree to move in with him.

Moving in with someone with children is a step that requires in depth discussion, setting up what both parties are prepared to compromise on and what they aren't.

Maybe if you had, you would have both made the choice much earlier that it wasn't the right thing to do, at least not yet. You could have decided to still see eachother as you were and therefore have more to implement changes or you could have agreed to go your seperate ways before being very much in love.

You are very early in a relationship, if you are dating he should make time for you. But he is being honest, he won't say no to seeing her.

He's a parent and that's fine, but you deserve to be with someone who actually has time to start a new relationship.

Even though it isn't your fault, asking him to say no to her makes you the bad guy which isn't fair to you.

Hi Op - I would second what @chubbyhotchoc, @Wilberforce1 & @chocolatesaltyballs22 have said. You are not being at all unreasonable to expect some alone time with your dp, but, you must realise that the first rule of MN is that a father's partner should expect nothing by way of time or attention - they exist to merely facilitate the sdc & their parents!!!
Leaving sarcasm aside I would say two things to you.

1. if your dp is happy with his dd dropping in like this then that's his perogative & he may not be the kind of parent who wants alone time or he may like the relaxed way he & his dd interact. So if I were you I'd talk to him & see where you both stand on this one. If he doesn't see your pov or doesn't want to compromise you have to accept that & he's probably not the guy for you.
2. you really have to ask yourself if you are happy to be with someone who has kids because even a parent with great boundaries will still have parental commitments & if you aren't on board with this or if you cannot warm to his dd being around alot - run! Parenting is very hard work & stepparenting is even harder!

Together 6 months, lockdown for 3 or 4 - she ain't your stepchild.

@ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal

Together 6 months, lockdown for 3 or 4 - she ain't your stepchild.

this - you're barely past the dating stage...

Sadly you need to find a new bf who doesn't have kids. What happens if she falls out with her mum and comes to live with her dad? You dread the phone ringing? Good grief you are not the right relationship.

Personally I would find a man who is there for his daughter very attractive.

You sound very young OP. How old are you?

Personally I wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t have a routine for seeing their child.

How do you make plans for days out, nights out, holidays etc, if he won’t ever say no to his daughter coming over.

There is nothing wrong with the parent saying No once every now and again, or setting aside 1 or 2 evenings a week for just the 2 of you.

All that being said, it’s very early days between you and I would break it off now so that the emotional fall out isn’t as bad as further down the line.

You can’t expect someone with children to put you first, if they did they’d be an arsehole wouldn’t they? If this isn’t for you that’s fine, you are entitled to have your own feelings and needs but the deficiency here is on your part. It’s not like she’s asking you to drop everything to entertain her, she just wants to be at home with her dad. Would you be whining if he was a widower and she was living with you full time?

Men often see their children more when they have a partner who steps in with free childcare.

@DeeplyMovingExperience

Men often see their children more when they have a partner who steps in with free childcare.

Except there's no indication of that going on here...

I guess living round the corner makes it so there has to be set routine, we live a 15min drive away from the kids so it's always scheduled ish.

When she drops in does she interrupt what you guys are doing ie watching a film or if you are about to go out and she appears so you then not go etc?
Does she stay overnights regularly?

Or does she just come hang out for a bit do her own thing have a chat then go home?

*sorry living so close means there doesn't have to be set routine

It depends how often it is, you don’t say whether she stays the night or goes back to her mums?

I think it’s fair to have a “date” night at least once a month when your partner says no to his dd, the same way married couples do with their joint children, I don’t think his dd would be hurt by one night if she’s welcome all other times.
This is assuming she doesn’t stay up late though and you get time together after her bedtime / she’s gone back to her mum’s. If her being there is the whole evening then I think once a week date night is reasonable.

Also as mentioned by pp’s it won’t necessarily always be like this, these are not normal times, there is normally set routine’s of school, homework, after school clubs, friends, decent bedtime’s to get up for school plus the novelty of having you around may wear off.

You can’t expect someone with children to put you first

Can you not? Because me and dp manage to make time for one another.

It's a sad state of affairs when you can't / don't want to have alone time with your other half.

Op, in your position I'd leave. As a step parent, it's much easier to cope when there is structure. Everyone's on the same page, everyone knows where the kids will be on X day, everyone can make appropriate plans.

Obviously there is a lack of structure here and although mum and dad clearly find it great (or do right now) you don't, and unfortunately you probably don't have the power to change it.

Leave and find someone who does put you first.

Do the guy a favour and dump him, you are awful



God there some spiteful people on this post. @TheMandalorian calling the OP a bitch, really?

OP ignore the frothers.

I think it's unreasonable of him to expect that you'll be fine with having zero adult time. He should have set times with her and set times with you. She only lives around the corner , she's not missing out.

“You knew what you were getting into you horrid woman...” blah blah blah

Well, do you know what? So did he. If he has no intention of carving out a bit of time to nurture an adult relationship he has no business wasting anyone’s time.

I’ll never understand all this coming first / coming second stuff where children and new partners are concerned. It’s immature and pathetic. Obviously children are dependent on adults to meet their needs and look after them but on MN this seems to be taken to some crazy degree where it’s absolutely unthinkable to want a date night, free time, etc. and every decision should aim to suppress the new partner and make clear their place in the pecking order. Here’s a wacky idea - how about everyone’s happiness is insisted upon? It’s all about balance...I’m sure she won’t end up emotionally scarred if her dad says “Sorry me and (OP) are going for a meal tonight but I’ll see you on such n such day”?

If he’s not willing to do that, maybe he should not date and just “dad”!