She spoils every day

[ailmam]

There are no set days for when my partner sees his daughter. She only lives round the corner and phones nearly every day to see us. She's 12. We've only been together 6 months and I feel the dating period is over already . I can't relax knowing the phone can go any minute and she'll want to come over. We get on well but I didn't expect it to be like this . I know I should leave the relationship but I love him 😔
He'd never say no to her he's told me that . I have to go don't I 😔

No one is wrong here.

The OP is perfectly in her right to want to date some one have have kid free time

The father has every right to have very flexible access to his child.

The dynamic is wrong for OP so she should move on. Tbf she’s done well recognising it rather than it being 12 months down the line and pregnant and complaining about it then ..

Thanks for all your replies.
We had a big talk last night . Long story short she's coming round every Friday night to sleep .
Me and him are having day out tomorrow alone. If we're not doing anything on some days during lockdown he says he'll see her if she wants to. I think he understood . And he said back to school will be every Friday night .which is fine with me .
Thanks again .

I hope it all works out op. I do think think things are not routine for any of us at this stage. I would trust your gut and see how things are over the next few weeks

@sitckmansladylove Thankyou

@ailmam as a step parent myself I’m going to say this:

You need to think about what it is that’s making you uncomfortable when your DP’s DD is around.

Is it the fact that you can’t relax, do you feel as though you are watching what you are saying/doing, careful not to hog her dads attentions, not being as affectionate with DP as not wanting to make her uncomfortable? Does she perhaps want a lot of attention from you?

OR

Is it that you don’t like her? Or that there is something about her you find annoying/trying behaviour?

OR

Is is to do with how your DP might change when she is around? Does he baby her? Does he make you feel excluded?

I’m not saying you have to answer these here, just that you should think deeply about what it is that is bothering you. Knowing how you feel and being able to pin point where the negative feeling is coming from will give you a clue on whether it’s a temporary feeling/fixable or if you should cut your losses and move on.

Keep in mind also that it’s been lockdown and the kid hasn’t seen or socialised with her friends and peers like normal. Having other people to spend time with, and a woman who isn’t her mum might be quiet refreshing for her at the moment. Come ages 13+ lots of teens want to spend most of their time with friends and often become less dependent on their parents time as they start to go off and do activities with their mates instead.

Forging step relationships can be hard especially with older children. It’s a very good start that his DD likes you and wants to spend time around you. It can take time to find your groove with it, but it definitely isn’t for everyone, there is a lot of thankless sacrifices that step parents make, but it can be really rewarding too.

@Lillygolightly it's definitely the top one. All of that rings true .

@Wearywithteens ffs - most kids are regulated around their parents routines! Even in 'normal' families! A bit of routine does no one any harm.

@Wearywithteens

Poor kid. Regulated to an ‘approved’ rota to be around her dad.

Approved by someone who has been around 5 minutes.

Like most children who's parents are no longer together?

@ailmam well if that’s the case this will settle down in time, the important this is to not let it sit so you become resentful. This relationship is new and having a child in the mix is new too. All this is new dynamic the everyone needs to get used to, and there is always going to be teething problems with these sorts of situations. The issue you’ve said only need become a deal breaker if you can’t work on it as a couple I do see that you have since posted that you guys have discussed it and that’s a good start.

See how things go now you’ve had a chat. Given his previous flexible approach I wouldn’t be shocked if the new plan is difficult for him to stick to and things slip. Keep monitoring your feelings.

Remember that the only reason you ever need to end a relationship is wanting to. You don’t owe him anything extra because he’s a parent. If for any reason you realise you’re not happy you can walk away.

Separated parents often feel guilt and overcompensate by lack of healthy boundaries. Talk to him.

@Wearywithteens

Poor kid. Regulated to an ‘approved’ rota to be around her dad.

Approved by someone who has been around 5 minutes.

Oh give over. Most children of separated parents have routines like this. The odd 'can I come over tonight instead' is fine but every day? Dad is entitled to a life and to make plans.

Do the decent thing and leave this man to get on with parenting his daughter. It’s only been 6 months and you’re already living together. You are starting to resent his daughter. Not a good start.

Perhaps she thinks you spoil every day? Accept it or move on.

I would struggle with that but I wouldn't get in any deeper if I were you because it only gets more complicated when you have your own kids etc.

It would probably be easier if she actually did live with you all the time as you'd know where you stood. But the last minute is annoying and I think he needs to realise that whilst his dd comes first, it doesn't hurt to put some boundaries in place.

Could she be told that eg. Thursday is your adult time together? Then she knows that day is off limits?