She spoils every day

[ailmam]

There are no set days for when my partner sees his daughter. She only lives round the corner and phones nearly every day to see us. She's 12. We've only been together 6 months and I feel the dating period is over already . I can't relax knowing the phone can go any minute and she'll want to come over. We get on well but I didn't expect it to be like this . I know I should leave the relationship but I love him 😔
He'd never say no to her he's told me that . I have to go don't I 😔

[birthdaybelle]

It would probably be easier if she actually did live with you all the time as you'd know where you stood. But the last minute is annoying and I think he needs to realise that whilst his dd comes first, it doesn't hurt to put some boundaries in place.

Could she be told that eg. Thursday is your adult time together? Then she knows that day is off limits?

[Callardandbowser]

I would struggle with that but I wouldn't get in any deeper if I were you because it only gets more complicated when you have your own kids etc.

[nubeejinnings]

Perhaps she thinks you spoil every day? Accept it or move on.

[SayWhatNowNow]

Do the decent thing and leave this man to get on with parenting his daughter. It’s only been 6 months and you’re already living together. You are starting to resent his daughter. Not a good start.

[AskOrNoAsk]

@Wearywithteens

Poor kid. Regulated to an ‘approved’ rota to be around her dad.

Approved by someone who has been around 5 minutes.

Oh give over. Most children of separated parents have routines like this. The odd 'can I come over tonight instead' is fine but every day? Dad is entitled to a life and to make plans.

[lockdownbaker]

Separated parents often feel guilt and overcompensate by lack of healthy boundaries. Talk to him.

[AnneLovesGilbert]

See how things go now you’ve had a chat. Given his previous flexible approach I wouldn’t be shocked if the new plan is difficult for him to stick to and things slip. Keep monitoring your feelings.

Remember that the only reason you ever need to end a relationship is wanting to. You don’t owe him anything extra because he’s a parent. If for any reason you realise you’re not happy you can walk away.

[Lillygolightly]

@ailmam well if that’s the case this will settle down in time, the important this is to not let it sit so you become resentful. This relationship is new and having a child in the mix is new too. All this is new dynamic the everyone needs to get used to, and there is always going to be teething problems with these sorts of situations. The issue you’ve said only need become a deal breaker if you can’t work on it as a couple I do see that you have since posted that you guys have discussed it and that’s a good start.

[Bollss]

@Wearywithteens

Poor kid. Regulated to an ‘approved’ rota to be around her dad.

Approved by someone who has been around 5 minutes.

Like most children who's parents are no longer together?

[Magda72]

@Wearywithteens ffs - most kids are regulated around their parents routines! Even in 'normal' families! A bit of routine does no one any harm.

[ailmam]

@Lillygolightly it's definitely the top one. All of that rings true .

[Lillygolightly]

@ailmam as a step parent myself I’m going to say this:

You need to think about what it is that’s making you uncomfortable when your DP’s DD is around.

Is it the fact that you can’t relax, do you feel as though you are watching what you are saying/doing, careful not to hog her dads attentions, not being as affectionate with DP as not wanting to make her uncomfortable? Does she perhaps want a lot of attention from you?

OR

Is it that you don’t like her? Or that there is something about her you find annoying/trying behaviour?

OR

Is is to do with how your DP might change when she is around? Does he baby her? Does he make you feel excluded?

I’m not saying you have to answer these here, just that you should think deeply about what it is that is bothering you. Knowing how you feel and being able to pin point where the negative feeling is coming from will give you a clue on whether it’s a temporary feeling/fixable or if you should cut your losses and move on.

Keep in mind also that it’s been lockdown and the kid hasn’t seen or socialised with her friends and peers like normal. Having other people to spend time with, and a woman who isn’t her mum might be quiet refreshing for her at the moment. Come ages 13+ lots of teens want to spend most of their time with friends and often become less dependent on their parents time as they start to go off and do activities with their mates instead.

Forging step relationships can be hard especially with older children. It’s a very good start that his DD likes you and wants to spend time around you. It can take time to find your groove with it, but it definitely isn’t for everyone, there is a lot of thankless sacrifices that step parents make, but it can be really rewarding too.

[ailmam]

@sitckmansladylove Thankyou

[sitckmansladylove]

I hope it all works out op. I do think think things are not routine for any of us at this stage. I would trust your gut and see how things are over the next few weeks

[ailmam]

Thanks for all your replies.
We had a big talk last night . Long story short she's coming round every Friday night to sleep .
Me and him are having day out tomorrow alone. If we're not doing anything on some days during lockdown he says he'll see her if she wants to. I think he understood . And he said back to school will be every Friday night .which is fine with me .
Thanks again .

[Carlottacoffee]

No one is wrong here.

The OP is perfectly in her right to want to date some one have have kid free time

The father has every right to have very flexible access to his child.

The dynamic is wrong for OP so she should move on. Tbf she’s done well recognising it rather than it being 12 months down the line and pregnant and complaining about it then ..

[LouJ85]

Obviously I meant *children and not chicken!! I don't have chickens... and if I did I don't think I'd ask their opinion on family time. 🤣

[LouJ85]

This would frustrate me too. DP and I always plan in advance jointly when DSCs are coming over. We've been together much longer than 6 months but I don't think that's necessarily the point. I agree with others who have pointed out the need for a balance - he has a child but he also has a partner. In a nuclear family parents would have planned date nights and make time for each other, I don't think anyone would see this as "wrong" or think it appropriate to cancel this last minute because there child wants to spend time with you (obviously assuming it wasn't an emergency situation). There would be other opportunities for family time, and this should hold equal importance as "couple time". It does make me cringe when people say "the children must come first". Obviously not realising that continually putting children above the needs of adults 100% of the time results in unhappy and burnt out parents/step parents, which in turn will impact on the whole household and family mood and dynamic, thereby inevitably impacting on the children in a negative way. If all family members, adults and chicken included, feel valued and are able to have their equally as valid and important needs met, surely this makes for a more harmonious family set up? Just my opinion. And it works well for us.

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

excelledyourself yep...

Sorry to say that I don't subscribe to the MN mantra of not meeting for six months.. neither I nor my children had that time to waste.

If DH had been an arse with my children (or to be fair he thought the same of me with his) it would have been a non-starter and I would have knocked it on the head.

What on Earth is the point of having six months without children. ??? It's a nonsense and not remotely my real life (or his !)

Now the children are grown and we are 18 years on and it's just him and me , of COURSE it's easy . Only have to consider the two of us. ! I only have to consider myself... back then , I needed to know what kind of parent he was and what kind of step parent he would be. Luckily he proved himself at the first meeting and focussed entirely on how his kids were reacting .

[Drawingaline44]

I am with the posters on this that dont agree that it’s unreasonable to expect him to say no sometimes. This would annoy me too. It may have worked to not have set days when he didn’t have anyone else to consider, but now he does so things should adjust. If it has always been this way it is likely to be difficult to change, but I don’t think unreasonable to know when to expect them and when not to at all. Maybe now is the time he needs to think about set days as I can’t think of many people at all that are going to want to be in that situation.

[madcatladyforever]

You will find he always always puts his DD first, there is nothing you can do to change that.
I'd cut and run now before you get too involved.

[MrsGrindah]

I couldn’t love a man who DIDNT put his child first

[excelledyourself]

@disorganisedsecretsquirrel

Am I reading your timeline correctly? You moved in with your boyfriend and your/his kids 10 weeks after meeting?

[disorganisedsecretsquirrel]

Sandybval Yes !!! It does ... if you were in a conventional set up with a mum dad and 12 yr old and you had planned a night out, would you be happy with your husband cancelling it because your 12 year old fancied spending time with you ?

I have my own kids so not just a step parent.. MY answer to that would be 'NO' "dad and I are going out for dinner" we will see you in the morning. .. as long as there was no serious reason why she needed us.

Parents /step parents are ALLOWED a life too. It's not about her being there, it's about her SUDDENLY ARRIVING ..
sorry but co-parenting set ups are not the same as nuclear family set ups. Pretending they are is not going to help anyone.

As a step mother to 4 and mother to 3 it takes a LOT of patience love and understanding. Sometimes the kids needs are most definitely a priority. However sometimes they are t . (This is the bit MN forgets)

The MOST important thing to children is STABILITY . A stable relationship requires work and some alone time together . It does SC no more good for a parent to keep splitting with a partner than it does a biological child. It is also no bad thing to teach children that other peoples needs are also important.

Have I ever cancelled an event with my DH (their DSF ) because there was a genuine need to do so ? You bet I have , God knows how many times. However the need has to be genuine. Not just a 'whim' of wanting to spend time with me.

I have 7 children. That's how I see it. Have been with them since youngest was nearly 3 .. she is now 21. They ALL lived with us between 12 - 19 (uni and part time since) so I am pretty secure in thinking we had it (mostly) right. This was out of choice because their dm (despite marrying affair-partner) spent 10 years trying to denigrate me and DH .. but kids see through it.