Redundancy and Child Maintenance

[TazSyd]

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

Cause it's not actually 50/50. Now, in the past or not likely to be in the future.

It's a temporary solution to a temporary problem according to the OP so not driven by any thought as to what's best for the actual child. Just what's best for them. Right now.

His ex can't and shouldn't be expected to change her life to suit his current households needs. Yes she will need to cut her cloth. But for someone who works 3 days per week and lives in a housing association property I'm fairly confident in saying she will struggle to cut fixed & variable outgoings by £272 per month. 2 of her working days are the responsibility of her ex already. He is offering 1 extra day of 'childcare' and £7.00. Cheers dad.

His previous overpayment is irrelevant. He choose to pay that. He is choosing otherwise now.

But @pinkginny don't forget that's the mums issue as she made such poor lifestyle choices and shouldn't rely on maintenance 🤔

The problem is not really that the op is contributing. It’s because he is looked after and because he is contributing to his new family in unpaid ways that limit his freedom to find work, the dp clearly isn’t desperately scrambling to set himself up to find any work to bring in money,which is what a responsible parent in this situation would do. He’s sacrificing his child but knows he will be ok. I’ve been looking for work, waking up every day and thinking what can I do today to find a job and bring in some money? What would he do if his child said they didn’t get breakfast anymore a couple of days a week? Their shoes had holes and they kept wearing them? Would he think I have to do something or would he think well I’m paying my £7, and have her 2 days a week so she can eat well here so that’s all I can do really?

@PinkGinny

Cause it's not actually 50/50. Now, in the past or not likely to be in the future.

It's a temporary solution to a temporary problem according to the OP so not driven by any thought as to what's best for the actual child. Just what's best for them. Right now.

His ex can't and shouldn't be expected to change her life to suit his current households needs. Yes she will need to cut her cloth. But for someone who works 3 days per week and lives in a housing association property I'm fairly confident in saying she will struggle to cut fixed & variable outgoings by £272 per month. 2 of her working days are the responsibility of her ex already. He is offering 1 extra day of 'childcare' and £7.00. Cheers dad.

Why is it unlikely to be 50/50 when that is exactly what he has offered?

No maintenance is payable if you have your child equally. Id say that ensuring your child was fed, housed clothed and warm half the time was better than paying £7 a week to cover that, don't you?

You obviously think only money counts if you're a man. Sigh.

*We could continue having DSD from Tuesday to Thurs eve and Fri to Sat eve and more, if ex wants us to but maintenance will go down to £7 per week.

He can try and get a minimum wage job to tide things over but he has been advised by recruiters that he will have to do the shitty shifts if he wants to guarantee full time hours. Which means he won’t be able to guarantee childcare, so she would have to look into other options.*

Sigh. The offer to the ex. Not 50/50. And includes the £7. So as I said 50/50 hasn't been offered. Your question is rather moot. You'll need to ask the OP why the £7.00 however.

Current position is not 50/50 either it's 3 nights per week.

Pre-furlough it was 2 nights.

Over the holidays the OPs ex has kindly offered to provide additional 'childcare', just for while it suits of course.

Also I did mention earlier when my children were 50/50 with their dad & I, no money changed hands.

Try again.

It's about responsibility
Why always throwing that word around. Do you ever only do what your responsible for and nothing else?

I have no responsibity for my parents in law, none at all. I don't even like them much. But I do take them to appointments sometimes, buy them presents, text and call them regularly and yes, I once gave them some money when they needed it to fix their boiler.

I do it because they are my OH parents, he loves them and so by extension of my love for him, I care for them too and want the best for them.

I couldn't imagine telling my OH that I would stop doing any of this because well, they're not my responsibility.

Id say that ensuring your child was fed, housed clothed and warm half the time was better than paying £7 a week to cover that, don't you?
Except that he won't be able to, it's OP who will pay for it, and since the child is not her responsibity, she should refuse the 50/50 by your rationale.

@PinkGinny

*We could continue having DSD from Tuesday to Thurs eve and Fri to Sat eve and more, if ex wants us to but maintenance will go down to £7 per week.

He can try and get a minimum wage job to tide things over but he has been advised by recruiters that he will have to do the shitty shifts if he wants to guarantee full time hours. Which means he won’t be able to guarantee childcare, so she would have to look into other options.*

Sigh. The offer to the ex. Not 50/50. And includes the £7. So as I said 50/50 hasn't been offered. Your question is rather moot. You'll need to ask the OP why the £7.00 however.

Current position is not 50/50 either it's 3 nights per week.

Pre-furlough it was 2 nights.

Over the holidays the OPs ex has kindly offered to provide additional 'childcare', just for while it suits of course.

Also I did mention earlier when my children were 50/50 with their dad & I, no money changed hands.

Try again.

But he's offered 50/50 hasn't he? Whilst he can't pay maintenance? Because as it stands he is paying it.

If she accepts and he does 50/50 what is the problem?

@dontdisturbmenow

Id say that ensuring your child was fed, housed clothed and warm half the time was better than paying £7 a week to cover that, don't you? Except that he won't be able to, it's OP who will pay for it, and since the child is not her responsibity, she should refuse the 50/50 by your rationale.

By my rationale? I've already said that when DSS lived with us I paid for him equally and would pay if dp was made redundant. Op is already providing for dsd and is happy with that so what's the problem?

@dontdisturbmenow

It's about responsibility Why always throwing that word around. Do you ever only do what your responsible for and nothing else?

I have no responsibity for my parents in law, none at all. I don't even like them much. But I do take them to appointments sometimes, buy them presents, text and call them regularly and yes, I once gave them some money when they needed it to fix their boiler.

I do it because they are my OH parents, he loves them and so by extension of my love for him, I care for them too and want the best for them.

I couldn't imagine telling my OH that I would stop doing any of this because well, they're not my responsibility.

I uphold my responsibilities and help out where I want to. So I pay DSS phone bill for example. I don't have to, it's not my responsibility but I do. I wouldn't want to pay £300 a month for him, though.

If she accepts and he does 50/50 what is the problem?
How is he going to support the child with him on the 7 days out of 14 he is going to have them on £7 a week? He isn't, he will rely on OP. So OP sense of responsibity for the child is dependent on where he is. The issue is therefore with the concept of handing over money to the ex.

That's just the point that I'm making, that the issue for many here is the resentment of money going to the child via the ex.

@dontdisturbmenow

If she accepts and he does 50/50 what is the problem? How is he going to support the child with him on the 7 days out of 14 he is going to have them on £7 a week? He isn't, he will rely on OP. So OP sense of responsibity for the child is dependent on where he is. The issue is therefore with the concept of handing over money to the ex.

That's just the point that I'm making, that the issue for many here is the resentment of money going to the child via the ex.

Or perhaps it's that having dsd a couple of extra nights won't cost op £300 a month? Equally he's providing childcare for both kids allowing op to work which is apparently really important when it's a woman doing it but clearly not when it's a man? Why's that?

If everyone is ok with it, dsd is being cared for properly, what's the problem?

Why always throwing that word around. Do you ever only do what your responsible for and nothing else?

My biggest responsibility in life is my children equally with their father. Nobody else is responsible for them. We chose to have them. What is so difficult to understand about that?
Sure, people help. They have an amazing relationship with their grandad and he’s always offering to pick them up from school or have them round for tea. Sometimes he even offers buy their new shoes. But he’s not responsible for them despite the very close relationship they have. It’s my responsibility to house them, feed them, clothe them, make sure they do their homework, get them to school etc.. .
For all the other people in the lives, it’s optional what they do.

The same goes with the op. She’s not the parent. So paying money to the ex is optional. The parents are the ones who are responsible for their child.
Op is responsible for her DD.
Sure the op will pay towards her sd when she’s there. Just like you wouldn’t have a friend’s child round and not feed them or keep them warm would you?

And ringing your ILS and giving a money as a gift for their boiler isn’t the same as committing to providing for a stepchild.
I’d do the same in your shoes, but I wouldn’t hand over hundreds of pounds in maintenance out of my own pocket each month.

@funinthesun19

Why always throwing that word around. Do you ever only do what your responsible for and nothing else?

My biggest responsibility in life is my children equally with their father. Nobody else is responsible for them. We chose to have them. What is so difficult to understand about that?
Sure, people help. They have an amazing relationship with their grandad and he’s always offering to pick them up from school or have them round for tea. Sometimes he even offers buy their new shoes. But he’s not responsible for them despite the very close relationship they have. It’s my responsibility to house them, feed them, clothe them, make sure they do their homework, get them to school etc.. .
For all the other people in the lives, it’s optional what they do.

The same goes with the op. She’s not the parent. So paying money to the ex is optional. The parents are the ones who are responsible for their child.
Op is responsible for her DD.
Sure the op will pay towards her sd when she’s there. Just like you wouldn’t have a friend’s child round and not feed them or keep them warm would you?

And ringing your ILS and giving a money as a gift for their boiler isn’t the same as committing to providing for a stepchild.
I’d do the same in your shoes, but I wouldn’t hand over hundreds of pounds in maintenance out of my own pocket each month.

And that's why not having a savings buffer of any kind, when on a decent wage, is so irresponsible.

This ex that op is so scathing about has a lot in common with op's partner. I can see why they got together. He now seems to have a new mummy to do all the financial planning and saving for him. Lucky op.

OMFG. Not everyone has savings. Get off your high horse. Your attitude is vile.

Of course people on low wages might not have savings. That wasn't the case here. He just can't plan his finances. Lucky his new partner is more together so he can live off hers instead. Shame for his children though, or mostly for his first child who has two parents unable to save. Apparently.

@NoHardSell

Of course people on low wages might not have savings. That wasn't the case here. He just can't plan his finances. Lucky his new partner is more together so he can live off hers instead. Shame for his children though, or mostly for his first child who has two parents unable to save. Apparently.

People on better wages might have bigger bills? Op has already stated what happened to his savings.

Live off her? Would you say that to a stay at home mum?

No. Thought not.

The only telling in this matter is what will be in 3 months time. If he is still at home, having refused to take on any lower paid job and done not much to get a better paid one because they've worked out that by that they are saving in childcare costs and maintenance, they are not that much worse off and him being a sahd suits them, then that would be the time to be critical.

If they agree on 50/50 until September whilst he does everything to get any reasonable job and he is back working then, there is nothing to judge him about.

So close to the end
Please please not a part 2!

@Juliet2014

So close to the end Please please not a part 2!

Why do you keep coming back if you hate it so much?

She loves it really

* She loves it really*

I do!

I don’t hate it.... makes me chuckle

The commitment!