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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Redundancy and Child Maintenance

999 replies

TazSyd · 08/06/2020 12:23

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
TazSyd · 14/06/2020 14:02

@juliet2014

I am a single parent on a low income and no family support whatsoever.. You posted this on 3rd June.

Then you posted this earlier I receive £2250 a month from my ex.

Your income, plus benefits, plus maintenance. You aren’t doing too badly out of your children.

OP posts:
Bollss · 14/06/2020 14:09

@Juliet2014

* You could equally say well the overwhelming majority of people who alienate the children from their other parent are women.*

Indeed you could
Although - if alienating then the father isn’t going to be buying new schools is he?!

Well I can only speak for dps ex but she tried it and funnily enough she still required us to pay....
Bollss · 14/06/2020 14:10

@Juliet2014

I don’t think that I receive £2250 a month from my ex for two children (high earner) He’s never once defaulted We have a very positive relationship

However I think it’s utterly daft to say that you can’t safely assume that more non-payers are men than women.

Ah right I can understand your attitude now!!
Lostmyshityear9 · 14/06/2020 14:22

Just because we have to shout about the odd idiot that won't pay, that doesn't make them the majority

It's not the 'odd idiot' though, is it. If you look at Gingerbread figures, they suggest around only 40% of maintenance is actually paid and of that, a significant amount is only at the £7 a week level. A lot of maintenance is paid at a very basic level by the self-employed, for example, through the CMS but in no way reflects the maintenance that should be due if there wasn't the opportunity to get your account to reduce your income for you. Still more people - myself included - gave up on the CSA/CMS years ago and no longer have a case open because after many years left hanging on a phone line, you realise that there just isn't the political will to make it happen and so you stop pursuing it. Still more women (and presumably some men) don't pursue maintenance because they prefer to keep their heads down due to abuse. But maintenance is still due and remains unpaid. I think very simply put, there really shouldn't be the need for an organisation such as the CMS to exist. It's a reflection on our society that it needs to and an even bigger reflection that it is unable to effectively do the job it is set up to do. Too many children are growing up in poverty as a direct result of the political will to make a child maintenance service work on behalf of children.

Sadly the fact it affects more women than men, that many women who it does affect consider any other woman asking for maintenance to be a 'money grabbing bitch' and the societal norm that children are only women's responsibility mean it is unlikely to ever change.

Lostmyshityear9 · 14/06/2020 14:32

Well I can only speak for dps ex but she tried it and funnily enough she still required us to pay

I won't pretend to understand the psychology of alienating children against their other parent but suffice to say, just because there are problems of this nature, doesn't mean the children actually stop costing anything. You would not be doing yourself any favours, as the alienated parent, to just stop paying maintenance because you don't see your child. Indeed, it would just give the alienating party something additional to cling onto and use as a reason as to why they are right.

I think with maintenance and contact, you really do have to recognise 'two wrongs don't make a right'. In high conflict situations, children really need one of their parents to behave sensibly and consistently. I spent years watching my children skip off happily with my ex hoping against hope they would never realise just who he really is. Sadly, as they have entered their teens, the inconsistencies, lies, refusal to support them in any way (my ex is the type to refuse to make a packed lunch the morning after they have stayed with him becuase 'you're at school on your fucking mother's time so she has to pay for it', let alone actually pull his finger out and pay maintenance) means they absolutely know who he is. And they are slowly reducing their contact with him. It will be my fault, of course, it always is. People like him are utterly unable to manage even a basic level of introspection to help manage their future actions.

Juliet2014 · 14/06/2020 14:32

Yes I’m on a low income (I work part time)

And yes my maintenance is £2250

The two are very common in high earning marriages where the female has given up her job to become a sahp

Check my history!

Juliet2014 · 14/06/2020 14:34

@TrustTheGeneGenie

* Ah right I can understand your attitude now!!*

Makes no sense
I’m saying my ex husband is very good at paying. Never defaults, which is what you say your partner is to his ex Confused

Juliet2014 · 14/06/2020 14:36

* You aren’t doing too badly out of your children*

And there we have it.

Along with your description of the “free childcare” you are providing the ex with, i will bow out now. It’s been insightful and made me shit scared about the possibility of a step mother in my children’s lives

CayrolBaaaskin · 14/06/2020 14:39

@Juliet2014 - maybe because he hasn’t lost his job as ops dp has.

NoHardSell · 14/06/2020 14:40

I suspect her ex might have more than £7 in his piggy bank. Most high earners don't spunk it all and fuck up their tax returns. Such bad luck for op's dp.

Original poster
TazSyd · 14/06/2020 14:42

If he’s a high earner, he’ll be quite attractive to a lot of women. I’d say a step mother is highly likely. It’s not your children’s lives you’re worried about though, is it?

OP posts:
Bollss · 14/06/2020 14:42

[quote Juliet2014]@TrustTheGeneGenie

* Ah right I can understand your attitude now!!*

Makes no sense
I’m saying my ex husband is very good at paying. Never defaults, which is what you say your partner is to his ex Confused[/quote]
Yes, he is. That's not the point I'm making.

Bollss · 14/06/2020 14:43

@Juliet2014

* You aren’t doing too badly out of your children*

And there we have it.

Along with your description of the “free childcare” you are providing the ex with, i will bow out now. It’s been insightful and made me shit scared about the possibility of a step mother in my children’s lives

Out of concern for your children?

Course not.

Bollss · 14/06/2020 14:44

@NoHardSell

I suspect her ex might have more than £7 in his piggy bank. Most high earners don't spunk it all and fuck up their tax returns. Such bad luck for op's dp.
What's your problem?
Original poster
TazSyd · 14/06/2020 14:48

@NoHardSell

This has been explained to you a few times.

OP posts:
NoHardSell · 14/06/2020 14:53

Yes of course, I know, he can't do his accounts and he can't save. Poor kids having to suffer because of it. Not every father is that useless but at least he can sahp for a few months over the summer so that's nice. £300 a month per child and he still couldn't save, what, £1800 to tide him over the 3 month summer. Good job he has you to look after him hey.

Bollss · 14/06/2020 15:02

@NoHardSell

Yes of course, I know, he can't do his accounts and he can't save. Poor kids having to suffer because of it. Not every father is that useless but at least he can sahp for a few months over the summer so that's nice. £300 a month per child and he still couldn't save, what, £1800 to tide him over the 3 month summer. Good job he has you to look after him hey.
Lots of people cant afford to save Confused

Why are you being so horrible?

Giespeace · 14/06/2020 15:06

It must be lovely in @NoHardSell financial bubble where saving lots of money in a short space of time is sooo easy peasy, nobody ever loses their jobs and accountants never fuck up.
Let’s face it - he’s got years of providing for his child behind him (more than he “had” to, so no sign of him trying to screw his ex over or wriggle out of anything), currently discussing all possible options and scenarios with his ex to make the best of the situation in the short term... he’s not the devils spawn of deadbeat dads, no matter how determined you are to paint him as such.

Original poster
TazSyd · 14/06/2020 15:06

@NoHardSell

For some reason, he hadn’t predicted a pandemic and lockdown. He thought his job was secure and he would have time to put some money into savings again. Unfortunately he doesn’t have a crystal ball.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 14/06/2020 15:11

@NoHardSell

He did have savings? It's just that he then had to pay the tax bill with them. Which is surely what savings are for - unforeseen circumstances. If you have a second lot of unforeseen circumstances in a short space of time, such as COVID and redundancy, what's the magic answer?

funinthesun19 · 14/06/2020 15:24

It’s been insightful and made me shit scared about the possibility of a step mother in my children’s lives

Has this thread shown you that stepmothers don’t like providing childcare out of their own time and money out of their own pockets, and this is what you’re scared of?

Maybe this thread is should be seen as more of a reality check than something to be scared of.

DogBowlSpaghetti · 14/06/2020 15:25

Why should the mother not save maintenance for a rainy day? Why are women exempt from needing to properly manage their finances but men persecuted for not doing so?

DogBowlSpaghetti · 14/06/2020 15:27

Has this thread shown you that stepmothers don’t like providing childcare out of their own time and money out of their own pockets, and this is what you’re scared of?

On that basis I will admit defeat and join the crap Step Mother’s club. I’ll try not to cry at my desk tomorrow, but if I do, it won’t matter because it’s a child of the second family I support and we know those are less expensive.

Original poster
TazSyd · 14/06/2020 15:30

@funinthesun19

The impression I get is that she’s scared of her ex remarrying and having further children, because that may reduce her income. In her mind, male ex DPs are only good for one thing - cash. It would mean she might have to get a harder job / or work more hours and we can’t have that.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 14/06/2020 15:32

Op I think the decision you and your dp make shouldn’t be chopped and changed depending on how the ex feels. I know you’re thinking of her too which is fine. Just don’t forget about your household too.

The cynic in me thinks that she might agree to one arrangement but a couple of weeks later she might want the opposite. So just be prepared for that.