Redundancy and Child Maintenance

[TazSyd]

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

FFS, where did I say that or even suggest it?

Just in case you were silently thinking it.

my DH’s ex seems to be of the belief that, even though she has a new life and partner, WE (she feels I should financially contribute) should fund her lifestyle to a level she deems acceptable purely because she had a kid with my DH 17 years ago

Sadly this all too common. Some women see there ex’s as a meal ticket for life, way behind normal child maintenance.

Sadly this all too common. Some women see there ex’s as a meal ticket for life

Which isn’t very wise because one day they’ll have to go through life without that money.

Just in case you were silently thinking it

ODFOD.

Right back at you

A step parent is only a PARENT when it comes to paying money, apparently. Otherwise she can stay the hell out of all the parenting decisions because she’s not their real MOTHER.

Unfortunately this has been my reality as a step parent. Child have said that their mother has told them under no circumstances am I part of their family or to be referenced to as their step mum. As far as when they draw their family they are encouraged to include everyone (including my parents) other then myself. Yet when my DH lost his job due to bad mental health a few years ago I was expected to pick up the bill. I'm not even allowed to comfort the kids if they are upset or give them a hug as they run away more upset as "mummy would be angry".

The real kicker... their mum told them they had to call her then boyfriend now husband, daddy after 8 months, and they got told of if they forgot and called him by his name. Yet my DH was completely fair and let his ex change the kids surnames to her new husbands so they could app have the same name. Worse we had to have a covert wedding, with only immediate family involved, couldn't have a big hen do/stag do or tell anyone we where getting married as if she had found out she wouldnt have let the kids be there.

So I agree with @TrustTheGeneGenie, I have no issues with the children, but I would never get involved with a man with children again as honestly his ex has made life hell, and I absolutely hate the fact that she has manipulated the situation to the extent I get severly anxious, stressed and have had breakdowns (I had mental health issues with severe depression and anxiety previously but they were getting better) when we have the kids and can no longer enjoy it. And it's awful as it's not the childrens fault.

@Juliet2014 no we didnt, because unfortunately we did not have the money to do so at the time.

We just had more days.

RP was happy for us to take my SD back at gone 11 at night if we had wanted to. As long as she didnt sleep at our house

I hope my DHs ex has taken into consideration that she will no longer receive maintenance in a couple of years. I dread the fallout if she hasnt.

Mumsnet really frys my brain. There is another thread on step parenting and its sort of a reverse of this. The mum is saying her kids and ex want to move to 50/50 but she doesn't want to as means she won't be entitle to maintenance and the general consensus is she should get up off her arse and get a job and shouldn't ever be expected to rely on living off her ex and that she's a grabby entitled bitch.

How is this thread any different as the Dad is offering 50/50.... Ahhh it's because a step parent posted it. Sorry OP step parent bashing is a mums net favourite. You cant do right for doing wrong being a step parent.

On another side tracked note for the poster asking if it can work with DH ex and kids involved. I am a step parent and I get on very well with DSD mum, so much so that all contact goes through me and she was at my hen do and wedding. She is also very reasonable as a few years ago DH had lung surgery and we had to stop maintenance for a short time but she totally understood as it was case of pay maintenance or our mortgage.

Also to the poster who stated that OPs DP is a loser. Have you heard of the corona virus? How is it his fault he has lost his job? Does this mean all the other thousands of individuals who have lost their jobs due to corona are losers too?

Rant over lol

But if you’re in a ‘second’ family and DH loses his job, then there’s a weird expectation that the ‘first’ family should be shielded from the reduction in income, their status quo preserved, often quite unrealistically, and often at the expense of the ‘second’ family who, don’t forget, are also suffering due to the job loss.
This is such a fake argument. In most cases the first family are getting a moderate to minimal support number. Their needs are not being provided for at all costs and before your own bills mortgage food takeouts holidays and unpaid contributions etc as a family to your second family. It’s ridiculous to assume they are treated for and provided for equally. When you buy the dc a new jumper do you A: stash half that away for the children you don’t live with? Or B: Mentally subtract it from the amount you pay for them so you are confident there’s enough left in your contribution to provide food and bills support after they’ve also been bought a jumper? Or C: is that not your problem?
It’s overwhelmingly C.
I know a lot of companies doing across the board pay cuts right now. BUT, many have set a minimum pay no staff can fall under. This is because it isn’t all equal, at some point you need to pay the bills. And this is the issue for the ‘first family’. They aren’t being prioritised, they are being supported to maintain minimum financial viability just like the second family.

@timeisnotaline

Child support isn’t intended to support the needs and bills of an entire household. Just the child . The NRPs wage is to support their household, including the child when they are present, and by the same token the RPs wage is to support their own household.

I don’t mean the entire household. I mean the food the child eats the activities they do the bed they sleep on the clothes they wear the lights and power used for their existence the floor space and garden to give them a better life, the toys and books they use, etc etc etc. if they have all these things someone pays for them. That is their main residence and they have all these things there. We’ve often seen threads arguing it’s fine to have a shared room or sofa bed for EOW, the thinking being they have all their own space and things in their primary home. Not for free, they don’t.

What a ridiculous argument. Most children have two rooms, two beds, two sets of toys at each house. Both of which need paying for and not by one parent twice!

I know my DSD certainly has two rooms/beds/sets of clothes/toys etc. And she does eat and use lots of power when she’s with us too. None of which her mother contributes to, because she is with her mother more and so DH pays maintenance.
If DH lost his job tomorrow DSDs mum would lose £375 per month and we would be losing his entire wage, which is about 60% of our total income. Of course that’s a bigger hit to our household than hers. And her bedroom here would still need paying for, job or no job, just like at her mums.
And no, I wouldn’t be paying her anything, I’d be too busy trying to keep my own household afloat.

I think it’s really important as a second wife to keep your earning ability. I decided to stay at work and not take a career break until DC went to school. Which wasn’t about finances but long term. As this thread shows the second family only have their Mum to advocate for them and are expected to live off the crumbs.

@timeisnotaline

I don’t mean the entire household. I mean the food the child eats the activities they do the bed they sleep on the clothes they wear the lights and power used for their existence the floor space and garden to give them a better life, the toys and books they use, etc etc etc. if they have all these things someone pays for them. That is their main residence and they have all these things there. We’ve often seen threads arguing it’s fine to have a shared room or sofa bed for EOW, the thinking being they have all their own space and things in their primary home. Not for free, they don’t.

It sounds a lot like you think the nrp should provide everything for both households plus maintenance?

Difficult situation.
My ex was sacked a couple of years ago. He didn't contribute to mortgage payments or maintenance during that time. For a period of 5 months.
Nor did he take the children for extra time to accommodate this.

I was left in the shit, waiting on a new job starting. I was run completely ragged. He did not claim job seekers either, but kept his settlement money for his own needs (and the kids to an extent)

Mind you this is the man who stood by when I had to visit a charity for £ to replace a car key after my tax credits were stopped and my work contract ended. He's a prick.

I digress.

It was a horrible time. Consolation for the exW is that your DP is taking the children more. That should definitely count for something.

@timeisnotaline are you suggesting a non resident father should be entirely responsible for funding his ex’s household? Doesn’t the ex have an element of responsibility to contribute towards her own house and children? An ex husband is not a meal ticket for life!

Coffeepot72 "are you suggesting a non resident father should be entirely responsible for funding his ex’s household? Doesn’t the ex have an element of responsibility to contribute towards her own house and children? An ex husband is not a meal ticket for life!"

Exactly! He's only responsible for 50% of their time, the mother is responsible for the other 50- that's why if you have 50/50 you generally don't have to pay maintainance.

50/50 time does not always mean 50/50 spend

Let’s be honest, it is the mother that generally buys birthday party presents, has the child’s friends over for play dates, teacher presents, sanitary items when they start their periods... etc etc
These little costs add up.

And oh yes... there will be some fathers in a 50/50 that do do all this.
But the majority - it will be the mother

Personally I doubt it's anywhere close to the majority in 50/50 situations where the mother ends up paying most. But I guess we're both biased by our own situations and experiences.

On what do you base that thought on?

The basis of mine is fact. Most mothers do sort party presents, sanitary for when starting and early years of periods when sensitive and embarrassed about it, teacher presents etc

It’s very well documented. But you’re saying that this isn’t replicated when divorced?

@Juliet2014 total bollocks IME.

When DSS lived with his mum we paid maintenance and all extras. We paid for school uniforms, trips, pocket money, clothes, hobbies. Everything. We had no choice she just wouldn't buy anything so it was either we bought it or he didn't have clothes or school uniform.

Then he moved in with us and she paid us maintenance (much less than we paid her) and we continued to buy all the extras because again she just wouldn't contribute.

I don't think most mother's are like her but I think there's many more who wouldn't admit they act like this.

@Juliet2014

It’s very well documented. But you’re saying that this isn’t replicated when divorced?

Not in a 50/50 arrangement no.

And more fool you if you do everything in your marriage. I bloody well dont. Dp is as much of a parent as I am.

I’m not married
Divorced