Redundancy and Child Maintenance

[TazSyd]

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

Mere supervision is not parenting.

Otherwise my DC have many, many parents. Who incidentally aren’t contributing to their living expenses 🤔

This is the thing isn't it. As a step mother you're expected to keep your nose out because you're NOT a parent. But you're expected to be interested and actively enjoy spending time with the child, but not too much otherwise you're stepping on toes. You're expected to financially contribute, and look after them whilst they're in your care. You're expected to take them on holiday, and prioritize them over your own children. But at all times you must remember you're only dad's wife. I've seen the words "random woman" used more than once on this site.

I know not all experiences are like this, but all that is mine.

If me and dp ever split it would be a cold day in hell before I ever got involved with another man with kids.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Do you have children?
Reason I ask is that I’m a single parent of two. I would one day like to start dating... I think I’d be fine with a new man having children (in fact prefer not as experience of children) but not so sure having read your post! But you may be coming at it from perspective of not having children yourself. Thanks

I was once called “the boss”
Because it was half term and my ex was working and his child was staying with me for the week. His ex wife texted him to ask if she could pinch their child for the day, but my ex said he’ll check to see if I have plans first. She made a snippy comment, “Yeah yeah you ask the boss.”

What makes me even more annoyed though, is the fact that if I made plans and then didn’t include her child she would have gone ape shit.

She back tracked once I messaged her and said, “You can have (child’s name) if you like. You’re the mum and I don’t want to step on toes 😊”
She said, “Ohh no get to make decisions too as an important figure in (child’s name’s) life”

Yeah, but I was just the boss wasn’t I? Convenient babysitter one minute but the inconvenient plan making “boss” that spoils her plans the next. How dare I potentially make plans that include her child? She would’ve soon been going mad if I didn’t and just took my own children out.

@Frankola

* So there you have an RP who actually admits to prevent a dad spending more time with his child as it gets her more money! *

She couldn’t do that. If the father had wanted an overnight and there were so concerns around his parenting from social services - then he would have been granted this. Did he not pursue it legally?

Why wouldn't a mother want to work full time to earn a living to provide her child with a stable life

I think the ex in this case is still on her own?

I don't think this kind of comment is fair without huge amounts of context that often the OP wouldn't really know about anyway. It is easy to say 'oh just work full time' when it's you that has to manage the logistics most of the time and doing so, often with different children in different settings trying to manage transport and getting in between them - not everyone has access to a car. Far easier to manage when there are two of you and you work your lives around the need to manage the children.

It's also difficult if you have an ex, like mine, who simply says 'I have to work' when it comes to managing appointments and illness etc. and for this reason, part-time work can be easier to help with fitting things in. I have always managed to work full time but my ex's reluctance to support illness and the fact that one of my children now has an illness that requires very regular hospital appointments, I reduced my hours to manage that. I have made up the hours with some initiative and self employment in other ways - but that isn't a secure income (and has disappeared with the current situation, although will hopefully increase again as things improve).

And finally, in a job that is genuinely part-time (ie the business you work for only needs you for those hours and doesn't have scope for overtime), it's not easy to just find something full time just because your ex has been made redundant. And even more difficult in the current climate where people are starting to be made redundant en masse. And harder again if you have to find childcare for additional hours which is currently non-existent or your provider simply doesn't have the extra hours to accommodate your needs. I think if you want understanding of redundancy and the inability to pay maintenance, you also have to understand that making up the difference can't necessarily be done simply just by asking for more hours.

There is too much 'lazy, greedy, grabby ex' rhetoric on these forums from women in a relationship who have not had to manage the logistics of single parenthood or, if they have been single, didn't struggle to increase hours, find childcare and had access to a car. It is not something confined to this forum. Rather, any single parent who hints at being in recipet of any benefit other than child benefit and admits to working part time is hauled over the coals.

@DogBowlSpaghetti

* How can it be parenting when your input is limited to a supervisory role? See above re not being respected in parental matter*

So your own partner also asks you have no involvement in his children other than supervisory?

Lostmyshityear9 If she can’t work it’s still not up to the op to help her.

I’m an rp and currently don’t work because of those logistics and childcare issues. Once my youngest is older I will get back in to some form of work though. It’s very hard so I do get it. I get zero maintenance because my ex was sacked a few months ago. So my children have no parents who work. If he had a partner I wouldn’t expect a single penny from her.

@Lostmyshityear9

I think the point was that she (and the child's father) is the only reasonable person to pose the question "why would you not fund this child" to. I don't judge single mothers for struggling to work full time, I myself don't currently work full time, but the fact remains that if more money is needed for the child, it should be the actual parents who are expected to provide it. In my opinion there are far too many single parents who expect their own partner's or their ex's partner's to personally fund their children for the privilege of being in that relationship. That is why arguments like the one you picked up on get thrown about.

So your own partner also asks you have no involvement in his children other than supervisory?

In all honesty my Husbands is excluded in many respects from parenting his DS from a prev relationship. He is not consulted when it comes to decision making. He has to constantly remind any authority dealing with his child (medical, school etc) to correspond with both parents. Else he misses appointments, school plays etc just as he isn’t informed of their existence. Except when he has collected DS and so sees correspondence first. It would be incredibly difficult for my parenting role to extend beyond my husbands in the circumstances.

Hope that helps explain.

Thread is totally derailed now. Whilst I’m sure most women are totally fair and reasonable, you’re misguided if you think it’s all fair between separated parents, let alone step parents.

Odd
Most “authorities” are very used to dealing with two separated parents given the vast numbers of children that are from separated parents.
And yet your DH is ignored by multiple independent authorities. That’s tough.

If she can’t work it’s still not up to the op to help her

FFS, where did I say that or even suggest it?

I simply picked up on what I consider to be a nasty comment around 'why wouldn't she work full time to support her children'. It isn't that simple. Not for everyone. And it's very easy to forget that.

@Lostmyshityear9 absolutely none of that so OPs problem. It's not event her Husbands problem.

In my opinion there are far too many single parents who expect their own partner's or their ex's partner's to personally fund their children for the privilege of being in that relationship

The problem is, if you turn this around and it's the resident mother who is made redundant and isn't eligible for benefits because her other half earns too much, the expectation is there that the step parent steps in and helps out. It would be one shitty step parent who said fuck it, the heating doesn't go on in your kids rooms and they can only eat toast until you are able to make a contribution and if they have holes in their shoes, that's not my problem.

I don't agree that NRP partners have a responsibility in the same way, but you can see why the lines get blurred, particularly when it's you trying to make up the difference financially.

Most “authorities” are very used to dealing with two separated parents given the vast numbers of children that are from separated parents.

I find it’s where their case management systems or IT isn’t very sophisticated so would require someone to manually amend each letter, rather than automatically populate two letters. It’s not really that odd when you consider that’s why. I think many people would share that they have received such correspondence. But it’s easy to see how you can be excluded where that doesn’t happen.

absolutely none of that so OPs problem. It's not event her Husbands problem

sigh. never said it was, did I?

Although it's a pretty poor parent that thinks that dropping maintenance and expecting it not to have an impact on the other household and tries to nothing about it (and again, I haven't said that is the case here).

@AskingforaBaskin**

@Lostmyshityear9 absolutely none of that so OPs problem. It's not event her Husbands problem

If my children’s father lost his job and we were 50\50 that would most definitely be a huge concern and problem for me because my children would be impacted.

It depends how you view parenting. As beginning and ending the moment the child begins “your” 50/50 OR as something that is a part of you and exists beyonds your 50/50

Decent parents see it as the latter

The issue is that there seems to be an expectation it shouldn’t affect the RP’s household but have a completely disproportionate affect on the NRP’s household, which is already the most impacted by the loss of income.

[quote Juliet2014]@TrustTheGeneGenie

Do you have children?
Reason I ask is that I’m a single parent of two. I would one day like to start dating... I think I’d be fine with a new man having children (in fact prefer not as experience of children) but not so sure having read your post! But you may be coming at it from perspective of not having children yourself. Thanks[/quote]
I have one, yes. Its not the actual children that put me off, its the potential ex! I would expect people to be similarly put off me because i have a child too, though i think men as step parents have it slightly easier.

Most schools and surgeries have sufficient IT to have two correspondence details for a child or patient. But for multiple separate agencies not to have sufficient capability meaning your DH is excluded from being involved - that’s... unusual.

Hell, even I do in my paper address book!

@TrustTheGeneGenie. Ah that makes sense - thanks.

So your own partner also asks you have no involvement in his children other than supervisory?

when dss lived with us, i parented. I had no choice, if you live in my house, you live by the same rules as everyone else. So both of us parented.

When he moved back out, i didn't parent. There's no point because i just get shouted and balled at by his mum. Dp agrees that its wise for me to not bother!

I must be lying then.... My Drs surgery has seen my marriage certificate 3x now and still can’t get my salutation and surname right. Clearly we aren’t both dealing with the same chronically underfunded state ran practices....

@Juliet2014

Most schools and surgeries have sufficient IT to have two correspondence details for a child or patient. But for multiple separate agencies not to have sufficient capability meaning your DH is excluded from being involved - that’s... unusual.

Hell, even I do in my paper address book!

This is a huge issue whether you believe it or not, It took us years to be contacted about stuff. With school, when he moved in with us they stopped contacting his mum immediately. And then when he moved back in with her, we let them know and they still couldnt grasp that perhaps she ought to be involved!