Redundancy and Child Maintenance

[TazSyd]

DP is currently furloughed and found out last week that he is at risk of redundancy. He has been expecting this and thinks that there is a high chance that he will be made redundant. He’s been there less than 2 years, so will only be paid 1 month notice and accrued holiday pay. As he lives with me he will only be entitled to £75 a week contributions based benefits.

We have a DD together and he also has another daughter who lives with her mum but stays with us 2 nights a week (in normal times). One weeknight and also on a Friday night and Saturday day - we pick her up from school on Friday and drop her back at her mum’s after dinner on a Saturday. As DP has been furloughed, we (well he, as I have been working from home so haven’t done much childcare during the day for either DD or DSD) have been having her more often - more like a 50/50 split. Despite his drop in income and the increase in childcare, he hasn’t reduced the maintenance he pays to his ex.

I’ve spoken to a couple of recruiter friends and they’ve said that the employment market has picked up a bit but realistically they aren’t expecting it to pick up properly until September. So DP could well be unemployed for a few months.

DP will pay £7 per week out of his JSA to his ex but this is a lot less than he currently pays (£300 per month). I know I have no legal responsibility for DSD but should I top up the maintenance to DPs ex?

@TazSyd

Yep. Keep doing it beyond August (fat chance) and it would be an even better idea

We’d save a fortune in nursery fees. DPs ex would be worse off though - can’t get any maintenance from 0 income.

Imagine how much you'd love that

Imagine how much you'd love that

Thanks for giving me the idea.

@WhatIsLife20

While he is furloughed then unemployed, if he does 50/50 responsibility, I think paying the £7 a week plus an extra £50 would be fine. Then once he gets a job, he goes back to the 2 nights a week and pays the full £300. See what your DSD's mum thinks about this? I think it would be a fair situation given what is going on and the fact he is losing his job

This only works if he gets a job with a comparable income to the one he lost. If he ends up in a lower paying job, or on nmw then they wont be able to afford to pay the ex £300 per month and it will have to be a reflection of what he actually earns. But this would mean that the ex would still need to find childcare for the days that the OP is having thr DSD as addition to their usual days. This could still leave the ex worse off as shes having to find childcare during a time were a majority of working parents CANNOT find childcare.

And why on earth would he pay the ex £7 + £50 if the care is 50/50. I feel that really highlights the mentality that rp see nrp as money banks.

But when it's money going to the ex, suddenly, it's seen like an outrage to provide it on his behalf. But of course, it's nothing personal...

Yep it’s definitely personal. I don’t see why any woman should support another woman’s household. A car payment is so much different to maintenance. A car is maybe something that will benefit the op’s household as a whole. Paying of debts like loans for a partner will eventually benefit the op’s household. Maintenance paid by the op would just feel dead money that she’s worked hard for, going to a woman she probably doesn’t even like very much.

Yeah it’s for the child, but that’s not very much consolation either. It’s making her own have less in favour of other people. The op doesn’t go out to work to pay maintenance like the child’s father does (when he has a job).

it baffles me that there’s an expectation that the step parent should step up and subsidise the man’s CMS. Like the hit to your own household isn’t enough when you lose income.

I’m baffled too.

@TazSyd

Imagine how much you'd love that

Thanks for giving me the idea.

Oh no, I think you had that idea quite a bit earlier on. This thread was just a 'big reveal'

Oh ... really ... you don't think I should be paying for my partner's child?

Oh ... she gets a million pounds benefit a week?

Oh ... now you mention it she does live in a housing association flat, does barely any work, is crap with money, runs up credit card bills, takes multiple holidays a year, spends the maintenance on the other child, had an affair

Oh ... if we go 50:50 you really think it's ok to not even pay £7 ?

Oh well ... go on then ...

We both know you don't want the longer term hassle once the schools start back up again and your partner gets back to his career job, but in the meantime, having a househusband saves you a fortune in nursery fees and is just so much easier all round. Conscience clear etc

My conscience would be clear. I support my DH in his role in parenting my DSS, but I am not a substitute parent should my DH or his Mother find their finances take a drop. Like any child in my house, when he’s here he gets looked after and fed with my own DC. But he’s not my responsibility. I suppose I indirectly support him in that my salary pays the bills and buys the food etc. But that money is spent inside of my household and doesn’t cross the barrier. My conscience is totally clear as should OP’s be.

We both know you don't want the longer term hassle once the schools start back up again and your partner gets back to his career job

But even in normal times they do the school run etc. What's your point? Bitter are we?

It’s just struck me that some posters seem to think step parents are like an overdraft facility.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

We both know you don't want the longer term hassle once the schools start back up again and your partner gets back to his career job

But even in normal times they do the school run etc. What's your point? Bitter are we?

Why would I be bitter? My ex and I are nothing like any of these people. We have enough savings, as anyone on decent salaries would (as we can correctly calculate our tax bills), to not screw over the children with £7 contributions to their upbringing. We don't really mix in those kind of Jeremy Kyle circles so I don't personally know anyone who thinks £7 and refusing to get a minimum wage job is an acceptable contribution to their children's upbringing.

@dogbowlspaghetti @fuschiafox I'm amazed you haven't noticed before now that so many posters on here believe that their ex's spouse should be considered a cash machine.

My DHs ex genuinely once contacted my DH to say she wanted more maintenance because she wanted a new house. To achieve this she wanted me to pay her maintenance. As well as my DH. I am nothing to do with their child biologically and have no legal parental responsibility, but she wants a new house so hey - here's my personal wage...

She had never considered that she or her partner should get a better job

There are so many instances if you look back on here of massively insane and unreasonable requests made by parents to their exs spouse/the step parent.

Yet these are the same people who would be happy to throw a can of petrol over said step parent and set them alight.

The amount of control they believe they should get and the level of entitlement purely for birthing a child is totally batshit.

Why would I be bitter? My ex and I are nothing like any of these people. We have enough savings, as anyone on decent salaries would (as we can correctly calculate our tax bills), to not screw over the children with £7 contributions to their upbringing. We don't really mix in those kind of Jeremy Kyle circles so I don't personally know anyone who thinks £7 and refusing to get a minimum wage job is an acceptable contribution to their children's upbringing

Wow. I mean id rather be skint than be such a horrible cow.

I don't personally know anyone who thinks £7 and refusing to get a minimum wage job is an acceptable contribution to their children's upbringing.

I like how you are insinuating that’s the OPs DPs position. You’ve been on the thread long enough to know very well that’s not the situation at all.

My DHs ex genuinely once contacted my DH to say she wanted more maintenance because she wanted a new house. To achieve this she wanted me to pay her maintenance. As well as my DH. I am nothing to do with their child biologically and have no legal parental responsibility, but she wants a new house so hey - here's my personal wage...

I am utterly gobsmacked by this. The cheek of her! And I thought my DH’s ex was bad expecting me to do pick ups / drop offs...

My DHs ex genuinely once contacted my DH to say she wanted more maintenance because she wanted a new house. To achieve this she wanted me to pay her maintenance. As well as my DH.

So many rps would gleefully take money from their ex’s partner if it was legal. Thank god it’s not and you can tell them to fuck off

My dps ex demanded maintenance off me as soon as we moved in together. She also shouted at me lots "because dp pays for your house and your car and takes you on holiday and I only get maintenance"

I was like a) I work and pay for everything too and b) we are together and he's not with you any more!

She demanded more money every time we went on holiday because obv we are loaded and not giving her enough, same when we got a new car, same when we moved.

Some people are just arses.

My DHs ex genuinely once contacted my DH to say she wanted more maintenance because she wanted a new house. To achieve this she wanted me to pay her maintenance. As well as my DH.

I am really not surprised. My DH’s ex took issue with me keeping horses as that was evidence of my wealth and thus ability to pay extra to her. The fact she has an 11 year old and choses not to work where I went back to work when my own DC was 9 months was apparently immaterial. She said she did not work so she can be present for DSS. Apparently the same notion doesn’t apply to my much younger DC for whom childcare is perfectly acceptable

@TazSyd please read more carefully. I suggested a reversion to previous arrangements which were not 50/50. Your attempt to conflate arguments to suit your agenda is both transparent and risible.

People don't seem to get that OPs partner got a minimum wage job right now, his ex would end up worse off with the maintenance he could pay with those wages, than if he was at home providing childcare on those days she would otherwise have to pay for. In the same way that many families are better off financially with one SAHP so they don't have to pay for childcare. Given that it also adds risk to both households for him to get a (likely customer facing) low paid job right now, it seems foolish to do so based on the knee jerk reaction that a man should have a job, rather than look at how they could be better off with him at home until he is able to get a job with a similar wage to his current one.

She demanded more money every time we went on holiday because obv we are loaded and not giving her enough, same when we got a new car, same when we moved.

The sad thing is, some people would actually see her point. It’s like rps are the only ones who are allowed to be doing well in life and enjoying nice things. People can’t stand it being the other way around and it seems fair enough to some people for the ex to get a maintenance recalculation every time the nrp and his partner spend lots of money on something nice instead of chucking it all the ex’s way.

Op. There are some truly bitter vile women on here who are so resentful of their exes that they will contort any situation to play out in favour of the first wife (always sainted) versus the loser, lazy, pathetic father. The mental gymnastics that these women make up blame the father is illogical and desperate.

And before anyone accuses me of being a harlot second wife. I have two kids from my previous relationship who I pay 100% for as their father had mental health issues and then died. In the ideal world he would have paid but I was a grown up who understood why he couldn’t and so I stepped up with no bitterness. Life is hard for everyone at the moment and adults need to show a bit of pragmatism and make the best out of bad situations rather than throwing insults.

Charming as this thread has become, i think it’s worth remembering that the DSDs mother has been informed that redundancy is likely (nothing yet confirmed) and presented with a few scenarios as OPs DP sees them. She’s been asked to have a think about any other suggestions she may have and work out what would suit her best practically and financially when/if the time comes.

She obviously knows her ex has been paying more than he had to, been paying for extras, has had her daughter to stay more frequently and left maintenance at the current level even though his income has dropped on furlough...
By OPs own admission she has taken this much better than expected.
She clearly doesn’t think her ex is just out to screw her and her child out of money. He’s not done that up to now so why would he suddenly change into the feckless dickhead Jeremy Kyle character as PPs have accused him?

As you all were...

@aSofaNearYou - I certainly get that argument but don't believe it stacks up. With the DP working even minimum wage, covering his childcare responsibilities when working (that is not assuming they all fall to his ex to cover), would certainly be paying more than £7.00 per week. The ex may also have child care costs too but I'm willing to guess would still net more than £7 a week. Without having to change her working days and have to jump to whatever new arrangement suits her ex and his wider household. His issues are not hers. Nor indeed are they the OPs.

But on reflection I call bullshit. A rude and argumentative OP, drip feeding titbits onto the 'ex is a cheating, lazy, spendthrift' bingo board. Not made up as such just playing the board and spinning the story for shits & giggles.

Oh yes we have had some blinders. Non of which surprise me any more.

My DHs ex seems to be of the belief that even though she has a new partner and whole other life 11 years after they split WE (I say that because as above, she believes I should financially contribute) should fund her lifestyle to a level she deems acceptable purely because she had a kid with my DH 17 years ago.

Dont get me wrong, my DH is more than happy to contribute to his daughter as needed but her demands over the years have gotten even crazier as time goes on.

Before my SD got to an age where she decided for herself when to sleep over here she refused to let her do overnights with us because then should could "get more money". She actually admitted this to my DH!

So there you have an RP who actually admits to prevent a dad spending more time with his child as it gets her more money!

OP, I think the best thing to do given your situation is to provide 50/50.You get to see more of your SC and the ex will actually be better off with reduced monthly outgoings and childcare costs than maintenance provides.