Step-Daughter telling lies about me to BM

[Bella148]

Hi everyone,

I'll try to explain this as best I can but I'm a bit upset so if I'm all over place I apologise!!

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, youngest is 7.

In the last few weeks, we've noticed a significant decline in the youngest one's behaviour such as lack of manners, not doing as she is told etc. We've also noticed a massive regression in the fact she acts and behaves more like a toddler than someone of her age. The last time she was here she defecated herself twice and wet herself, both times she was fully awake and we don't believe it's a medical issue causing it.

It all came to a head when my partner was speaking to his ex today and she told him that the youngest had said that I was intentionally putting things in her food she didn't like and making her eat it. She has then told her mum that she's told me she doesn't like it and I've apparently said 'tough, don't be a fussy eater'.

What really happened was I put some seasoning on some food a few months ago, not knowing that she didn't like it.

She refused to eat it and I made something else and have made a conscious effort not to use the seasoning again. We are having a real battle with her over food at the minute, I've gone as far as to take her shopping with me so she can choose what she likes. I've then made it for her and she's refused to eat it saying she doesn't like it! At this point I have said to her she is being fussy and I won't stand for it.

I know it's only a small lie, but it's hurt me deeply that she's going to her mother making out that I am intentionally putting things she doesn't like in front of her and forcing her to eat it. It also makes me deeply anxious to be left alone with her because if she is going to lie about something like that, what is stopping her from lying about something bigger?

I tried to talk to my partner about it and he got very defensive and told me to sort it out myself and speak to the youngest when she comes here again about it. I've told him I don't feel comfortable and he's lost his temper and said that I'm 'pushing everything on him' because I've asked him to speak to their mother about what's been happening. He has also said that the youngest has lied about things he had said or done and she does lie about things that happened at her mums. He's even acknowledged and described her behaviour as being manipulative, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

I'm now dreading the kids coming because I spend the majority of my time with them on my own and I'm so worried about her coming up with more lies just because I've told her off.

To top it off, I recently found out I am pregnant with my first child and I've had to beg my other half not to tell the kids because I think it's going to cause the youngest's behaviour to worsen.

I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do.

Why are you spending the majority of their time in your house alone with you? Surely it's their dad's responsibility?

I hate the term BM It implies that you feel your role is also that of a mother and hence both of you need an additional word to differentiate. She's their Mum. You are their Dad's new partner. You need to step back and stop looking after his daughter all the time. She does not have the same attachment to you, she probably feels rejected by her Dad. He needs to sort this out. I very much doubt that a new baby in this situation is going to help anything.

I dont know what you can do with a partner like that, Is he usually so unsupportive as a partner and so rubbish at parenting?

I've told him I don't feel comfortable and he's lost his temper and said that I'm 'pushing everything on him'

YEA YES YES IT IS ALL ON HIM
THEY ARE HIS CHILDREN.

There is no other way. He's children and his responsibility.
You are 100% right. Do not let it happen again that you are alone with them. Only when their dad is present.
Do not cook, let him cook.
Do not put yourself in this situation that is all his to solve.

Your partner refuses to parent the children he already has and instead dumps them on you. Do you really think he'll be any different with your baby?

I spend the majority of my time with them on my own

Ok stop right there - that really does tell me most of what I need to know.

Your partner's attitude stinks. So basically he's drafted in a new woman to do his parenting for him even to the point of being irritated at the mere though that he might have to take responsibility for issues which are very, very much his business to sort and no-one elses?

Forget your SD. The problem is HIM and I would (especially now with the pregnancy) have a serious think about the future and how you want your life to be.

(This isn't to dismiss the SD issues - but the fact is that situations like this are normal - a little spike of attention-seeking behaviour and acting out, possibly something has upset her, but either way it would be probably quite effectively sorted if her father was at all bothered to fulfil his role as a parent).

You should absolutely not be spending the majority of the time they are there alone with them. You should not, ever, be told to 'sort it out yourself' when it comes to an issue with HIS kids. He sounds like an appalling parent and a pretty appalling partner - lazy, disinterested and the type of misogynist who thoinks kids are womens' work.

Is he? Are you the one who cooks/cleans/sorts/thinks for the kids when they are with you? Does he have them more now that you are there to do the shitwork?

Think hard - if this is his atttiude, how do you think it's going to be with your own baby in the mix? And with this particularly lovely, responsible, caring teamworker as a father...

I would suggest that you sit him down and tell him that his response to you on this has opened your eyes. And things are going to change. No, you will not be speaking to HIS daughter. He'll be taking that responsibility. And the fact he even thought it should be up to you tells you that this is all wrong. You are not their default parent. You are not there to do his parenting slog for him. He will speak to his ex and explain. He will also start spending the time that his children are in his home with them and parenting them, with you making sure that you are not only not responsible for them, but that you are actually out of the home for good chunks of their time. Clearly, he isn't stepping up to the mark and if there is going to be another baby that you will have your hands full with, that's going to change. Pronto.

And if his response to this is anything but aapologetic I would seriously think about whether it is a good idea to stay and have another baby for this man to not pull his weight with.

It's possible that her father's lack of direct input is one of the reasons your SD is feeling insecure/unhappy at the moment.

I'm with them most of the time because we have them when I'm on my days off from work because my partner works awkward hours.

I apologise if I've caused any offence by saying birth mother. I'm fully aware of the fact I'm not their mum and I'm not trying to be hence why I'm trying to get my partner to engage with their mum so we can get to the bottom of what's going on.

Also very hurtful, the comment about not bringing a baby into the situation. I was told I would never be able to have children and finding out I was pregnant was a huge shock and surprise.

@doesthissoundok

I hate the term BM It implies that you feel your role is also that of a mother and hence both of you need an additional word to differentiate. She's their Mum. You are their Dad's new partner. You need to step back and stop looking after his daughter all the time. She does not have the same attachment to you, she probably feels rejected by her Dad. He needs to sort this out. I very much doubt that a new baby in this situation is going to help anything.

I have to agree. The overstepping is the main reason for this conflict. But we can not blame only OP. I have a feeling she has been pushed to this by her lazy and not responsible boyfriend.

@Bella
Do not look after his children. They are in his house to have a bond with their dad.
He should be grown up enough to know that.

Your step daughter's behaviour is not the problem here. At her age it's normal to tell fibs and be fussy with food. The toileting issue may be because she is unhappy and stressed.

Your partner is the problem. He's shoving all the childcare on to you, and now expecting you to sort this out with his ex too. It is his responsibility, not yours.

7 is a tough age, just ride it out. Don’t sweat over the small stuff (I am a step mum of 11 years). There will be periods of time when things are like this, and there will be times when things are great.
For a child going between two homes it’s tough, especially when so young. I wouldn’t speak to her about it.

A 7 year old interpretation of things to an adults is so different. She wouldn’t have purposely lied but in her head you did put something in her food didn’t you?! And she didn’t like it.
She has probably forgotten everything else as kids do.

A lot of these problems would resolve themselves if your partner was looking after his own children.

I would take a huge step back. Let him cook for her and stop babysitting when he's not around. He can have these difficult conversations. If issues come up simply take a step back and let him know. Then let him deal with it himself.

He's being a cheeky fucker and expecting you to be his nanny. No wonder his daughter is acting up. She probably feels really rejected and let down by him.

In terms of toileting she sound anxious, maybe the food thing in her head has become a huge thing... and she’s got anxious.
Why not involve her in cooking, get her too help. She can pick what she puts in it etc

Your DP sounds like a bit of a shit.

It's his daughter, he should deal with it.

Hi Places,

I've tried that with her, she wanted potato wedges instead of chips a few weeks ago and she helped me make them, seemed to really doing it and then when they were in front of her she refused to eat them because she didn't want them.

BM 🙄. You mean her DM?? You're not her step mum, you aren't married?

I hope it's just your pregnancy hormones making you sound like a bit of a dick.

we have them when I'm on my days off from work because my partner works awkward hours.

Then that has to stop.

The point of them coming for contact is to have contact. WITH THEIR DAD!

But this is really the logical endpoint of you basically alllowing all his responsibilities for parenting to be slowly but surely shifted onto YOUR shoulders. He's now angry when you have the cheek to actually ask him to take any parenting responsibility.

If he were a decent person and a good father to the children he already has, this would never have happened. Because he would not only automatically just take responsibility, he would also want it to be the case that their contact time was when he was there to see them. And he's not actually bothered about that. As long as 'the kids' are in his house with his woman basically doing the interacting, that's good enough. Have a real think about that, OP.

If you want even an attempt to get this dynamic fixed before your baby arrives then start now. Firstly, you tell him you won't be available to babysit his children without him there except for small blocks of time. Yes, he'll have to either change his hours, or change their contact days. And he'll have to arrange that with his ex. No, it isn't anything to do with you.

When/if he goes mad, you calmly point out to him that you are no longer ok with the setup where you have been made default parent. It's bad for the children as they don't see their dad enough and more importantly, are getting to see him choose to NOT be 'the parent' for when they are there. Secondly, it's bad for you, as the division of labour is unfair and deeply wrong - you do not have parental responsibility for them, and you should not be their main carer, and you absolutely should never be put in the position where he dares to get angry at YOU when asked to take on a parenting task. Thirdly, it's bad for him. Right now he's looking like a lazy father and a crappy partner. Not exactly something to aspire to.

For Fucks Sake OP - read that back to yourself.

Your "partner" is upset because you are "pushing it all on him". He is their parent. I'd hazard a guess the wee girl is upset because daddy can't be arsed with her.

Stop being such a mug for goodness sake.

He has shacked up with you so that you can do all the lowly wifework and childcare for him.

REFUSE TO BE HIS UNPAID CHILDCARE!

He's even acknowledged and described her behaviour as being manipulative, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

I'm now dreading the kids coming because I spend the majority of my time with them on my own

What a terrible father he is. I hate to say it, but you know he'll be the same with you and your child, don't you?

Imo move out. Give him a crash course in parenting his own dc.
You are not free child care.

I agree with other PP, you need to take a massive step back here OP, his kids, his problem. Things are about to get even harder with you expecting a baby of your own and I really can't see this ending well with the kids or your DP. Sorry, wishing you well

STOP BEING A DOORMAT

The children come for contact with their dad not you.

If you left tomorrow you would never see them again as it would be their dad's responsibility to facilitate any relationship they have with your child.

She wants to spend time with her dad and probably angry about the situation. Kids who don't have a lot of control of their lives often exert control over what they eat. Your partner needs to step up, you can't fix this on your own.

What would happen if you didn't look after your boyfriend's children? What would he say?

He fell on his feet when he met you didn't he? Assuming you met after they separated. Have you been fed the crazy ex line as well?

Well the whole dynamic is wrong. You shouldn’t be the majority caregiver for his children during his contact. I realise his shifts are awkward but that means he needs to rearrange his contact- not just foist it all onto you. Contact isn’t for spending 48 hours in dad’s house. It’s for spending 48 hours with dad. It’s for him to care for his children, spend time with them, sort out their problems, cook their meals. You are not a baby sitter and you certainly shouldn’t be solely sorting out his children’s behavioural issues. In your shoes I would step right back. Don’t cook any more meals for them, don’t do any more childcare and don’t take on any discipline of the children. It’s all his responsibility.