Step-Daughter telling lies about me to BM

[Bella148]

Hi everyone,

I'll try to explain this as best I can but I'm a bit upset so if I'm all over place I apologise!!

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, youngest is 7.

In the last few weeks, we've noticed a significant decline in the youngest one's behaviour such as lack of manners, not doing as she is told etc. We've also noticed a massive regression in the fact she acts and behaves more like a toddler than someone of her age. The last time she was here she defecated herself twice and wet herself, both times she was fully awake and we don't believe it's a medical issue causing it.

It all came to a head when my partner was speaking to his ex today and she told him that the youngest had said that I was intentionally putting things in her food she didn't like and making her eat it. She has then told her mum that she's told me she doesn't like it and I've apparently said 'tough, don't be a fussy eater'.

What really happened was I put some seasoning on some food a few months ago, not knowing that she didn't like it.

She refused to eat it and I made something else and have made a conscious effort not to use the seasoning again. We are having a real battle with her over food at the minute, I've gone as far as to take her shopping with me so she can choose what she likes. I've then made it for her and she's refused to eat it saying she doesn't like it! At this point I have said to her she is being fussy and I won't stand for it.

I know it's only a small lie, but it's hurt me deeply that she's going to her mother making out that I am intentionally putting things she doesn't like in front of her and forcing her to eat it. It also makes me deeply anxious to be left alone with her because if she is going to lie about something like that, what is stopping her from lying about something bigger?

I tried to talk to my partner about it and he got very defensive and told me to sort it out myself and speak to the youngest when she comes here again about it. I've told him I don't feel comfortable and he's lost his temper and said that I'm 'pushing everything on him' because I've asked him to speak to their mother about what's been happening. He has also said that the youngest has lied about things he had said or done and she does lie about things that happened at her mums. He's even acknowledged and described her behaviour as being manipulative, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

I'm now dreading the kids coming because I spend the majority of my time with them on my own and I'm so worried about her coming up with more lies just because I've told her off.

To top it off, I recently found out I am pregnant with my first child and I've had to beg my other half not to tell the kids because I think it's going to cause the youngest's behaviour to worsen.

I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do.

The little girl is trying to get some control over a situation in which she feels powerless.

It probably isn't about food.

It also isn't manipulative in an adult sense, any more than you having a conversation with your boss about something you're unhappy with even though your boss would rather you didn't rock the boat is manipulative. She's showing frustration and unhappiness through unwanted behaviour, but it's not manipulative behaviour so much as the behaviour of a child not coping with something and lacking the means to say so.

She definitely needs something, but it probably isn't a different dinner.

Don't make her eat. Cook, serve everyone stays at the table chatting about other things until the adults finish eating, clear/ allow the children to clear the table without comment.

Ignore the soiling too - it's absolutely classic protest behaviour but she probably isn't applying adult logical thinking to it.

7 year olds see cause and effect and know that actions cause reactions but they are not usually capable of the complex multi part abstract hypothetical planning required to manipulate adult emotions in a calculated way - the thought process which in an adult is manipulative requires an understanding and awareness of how others think, how others see things, and chains of events and feelings leading to a desired conclusion. 7 year olds know they're unhappy or frustrated and that they want help, and they know certain behaviours push certain people's buttons and at least make something happen and get them (negative or concerned) attention, but it's not the calculated process that manipulation is for an adult.

It may well be as simple as her wanting her dad instead of his partner. Or it may be more complex.

If your partner stepped up and acted like her dad that'd be a start...

By ignore the soiling I don't mean don't clean her up, I mean don't comment/ tell/ punish. Deal with it in a very neutral matter of fact way. Obviously her dad should be the one dealing with it... But whoever it is - be kind but unemotional.

Your OH sounds like a massive man child, who needs to grow up and realise he’s soon to be a father of 3. Of course he should be sorting out any problems with the kids and their mother, it’s his responsibility not yours. It’s also unfair for you to be doing all the childcare on his contact time, that is not what it is about.

You did not deserve the nasty comments you’ve received for using the term BM though, some people just jump at the chance to be needlessly rude to others!

as a step mum and mum I agree with @SuperMedium. These behaviours are there to convey that the child is upset about something. Battling with her about soiling and meals isn't going to solve the problem, it's going to make things worse.

The child most likely didn't lie about you. she may have conveyed what happened in two situations and got mixed up or didn't explain it clearly. She's 7 after all.

Your DP is her dad, he needs to connect with her and find out what's going on, and discuss it with her mum and come up with a plan. This really isn't your problem to solve OP.

Have you posted before about this? Sounds very familiar with you doing all the parenting and his DC making stuff up to his mum and your OH refusing to get involved

"You did not deserve the nasty comments you’ve received for using the term BM though, some people just jump at the chance to be needlessly rude to others!"

I don't think this is accurate when the language used paints a picture of the expectations put on this little girl who is clearly having a tough time. OP sees herself as a mother figure when she's being used as an unpaid babysitter and these children should be with their parents.

Why did dp break up with his ex?

*Oh I missed that you’re pregnant.

Shouldn’t be surprised, It’s like a script. All these threads follow the same script. Shit father, dumps his kids on the nearest female, despite this she thinks he’s an ideal candidate to father her child. WHY???*

And it's nearly always the case that the female had been told she'd never be able to get pregnant too.

This is a huge mess OP. Take huge steps back. Your boyfriend needs to parent his kids. Cook their meals, deal with the battles, ensure they're needs are met.
This is not your job.

How long have you been together? Do you live together?
If you don't, stay away when he has his kids. A flying visit to say hello and then off again. Don't give him chance to shirk his parenting duties.

If you do, can you go and stay with family while he has his kids? Just for a few weekends. He needs to get them into a routine.

The poor child is confused, anxious and sounding as though she's controlling the only thing she feels she can. Food.
Make it into a battle and it becomes much, much harder to deal with.
This is up to your boyfriend to sort though - not you. He needs to ensure that his daughter feels secure, happy and safe whilst with dad.

The only thing I disagree with is that it is the OP's responsibility to make him parent his children. It isn't. The mother of his children couldn't make him parent, why do you think the OP can?

@Bella148 remember his children are going to be in his life for ever and you need to think if this is the life you want - him being a shithead and dumping his childcare responsibilities on you.

If you were not pregnant I’d say walk away. In fact I’d say run away!

Firstly, I agree that you are being dumped on and your partner must be there ( in every way) for his children. This is for their sake and yours.

Step back and stop shopping and cooking. Let him manage it and encourage him to spend 1:1 time with each regularly.

Even without being pregnant you are getting zero support so you cannot win and trying harder won’t make any difference. So stop trying. And invest in your wellbeing and your baby for a while.

I very much doubt that a new baby in this situation is going to help anything.

THIS

Why are people being so nasty to OP?!

Look, this is all on your DP, don’t let him tell you otherwise. These are HIS children and he has to be the one to resolve any issues. Is he good at parenting them generally? Disciplining them?

I agree sillysmiles, but she can stop carrying the load for him and let him 'fight it out' with his ex.

Such vicious replies here. What's the matter with everyone? This woman needs help as does the child, and multiple people are blaming her for being pregnant because it will damage her SD, or accusing her of lying?

Seriously, this is mumsnet at its worst.

I dont think the op can get help though, at the end of the day her partner is a rubbish Dad, I think Op has had good advice such as stop doing everything.
OP for what its worth you sound like a really caring thoughtful step mum, but he is really treating you like a door mat here. Please dont put up with it.
He is one of lifes takers, and not a giver.
You are a giver you are doing everything you can for his kids whilst he wont even parent them, and then has the absolute cheek to turn on you!
You are writing on a forum because you are getting 0 support from him after all you do.
He should be there for his kids and be there for you.
You deserve better.

My only advice here really is to leave.
He will suck the life out of you. X

Totally agree with saraclara. Many of the replies here are pretty brutal!

It’s not easy being parenting stepchildren ...it’s a huge learning curve. Navigating what sounds like distress on the part of this little girl will require patience and a coordinated approach from all the adults involved in caring for her! My DSSs are now early teens and ten years after I met them I’m still learning how best to deal with tricky situations that crop up from time to time. Being a stepmum is a HARD job - one that requires commitment, love and patience.

Do we even know OP’s circumstances? Sounds as though she may not be working while her partner is, and potentially the bulk of childcare is falling to her while he’s at work?

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. My advice to you is to get your stepchildren involved in preparing for their new brother or sister and for their important new role as an older sibling. Shower them with love and make a big effort to have a good, open relationship with their Mum. Trust me that life will be a lot happier and easier for everyone if all of you adults can get along and work together to address this insecurity and lack of control it sounds like your DSD might be feeling

Why did dp break up with his ex?

Why the fuck does it matter?

People on this thread absolutely disgusting

This is a disturbed little girl who is acting up for some reason. It needs to be looked into until it gets worse.

Food can be a genuine source of anxiety for kids, often because it is associated with comfort but also sadness.

I had two siblings who were a nightmare with food growing up. My mum battled do hard with my siblings it was awful. In the end, both remained fussy eaters all through childhood but started to eat well as a teenager and now as adults, will eat just about anything. It's not worth the battle, especially if she's going to associate you challenging her on it as an assault. If she doesn't want to eat fine, let her be.

I am sure she posted before about similar stuff.
Also complaining that her SD did not celebrate their engagement with enough enthusiasm. She was dissapointed that SD did not day that their engagement is her (SD) happiest day ever. SD was not upset, just wasn't "happy enough".
OP was angry and said that SD's lack of enthusiasm ruined her happiness about the engagement.

@SailingAwayIntoSunrise

BM 🙄. You mean her DM?? You're not her step mum, you aren't married?

I hope it's just your pregnancy hormones making you sound like a bit of a dick.

Oh go away. What is the point?

You don't exactly sound lovely either!!

Op I would step back. They're his kids. He needs to look after them. He needs to cook for them. This is not your problem;

the poor 7 year old child's behaviour makes a lot if sense - she comes to see her dad, instead she spends time with a person she didn't grow up with. her distress and feeling powerless results in regression.

you are enabling your DP to be a shit dad by taking over his JOB as a father, like a pp said:

It’s for him to care for his children, spend time with them, sort out their problems, cook their meals. You are not a baby sitter and you certainly shouldn’t be solely sorting out his children’s behavioural issues.

Will you be referring to your partner as ‘birth dad’?

Does the DCs’ mum know they are coming for contact with you, not their father? Why would she allow or encourage that?

It is not up to the children’s mum to stop contact with their dad and his family. Nor is it her responsibility to say who can and can’t look,after the children when in their father’s care.

The term birth dad doesn't make logical sense as men can't give birth. Biological father or sperm donor would be the equivalent of birth mum...

And in fairness, I have seen many women on MN who have new partner's refer to the kid's dad as their biological father.

It also makes me deeply anxious to be left alone with her because if she is going to lie about something like that, what is stopping her from lying about something bigger?

I would feel like this too and personally I wouldn't put up with it. No man is worth it. & Life's too short. Your H isn't on your side. & It doesn't sound as if he's doing much real parenting. He's a nerve to lose his temper and be defensive. I can never understand what can possibly be attractive about men who opt out of looking after and spending quality time with their own child.

I know you'll get the usual advice amounting to bend yourself into shapes and hopefully you'll eventually be rewarded by Dad n Daughter bestowing beatific smiles, grace and understanding upon you. But you matter too.

You also have martyr syndrome or you wouldn't have been roped into looking after his DD when it's supposed to be his contact time with her. So what if he has awkward work hours, he has to find a way to spend time with his DD, that's it. He doesn't have to try to work anything out tho as he's got a ready-made babysitter & maid of all work.

I still wouldn't put up with it tho. but if you're going to then please set some ground rules, and stick to them.