Step-Daughter telling lies about me to BM

[Bella148]

Hi everyone,

I'll try to explain this as best I can but I'm a bit upset so if I'm all over place I apologise!!

My partner has two children from a previous relationship, youngest is 7.

In the last few weeks, we've noticed a significant decline in the youngest one's behaviour such as lack of manners, not doing as she is told etc. We've also noticed a massive regression in the fact she acts and behaves more like a toddler than someone of her age. The last time she was here she defecated herself twice and wet herself, both times she was fully awake and we don't believe it's a medical issue causing it.

It all came to a head when my partner was speaking to his ex today and she told him that the youngest had said that I was intentionally putting things in her food she didn't like and making her eat it. She has then told her mum that she's told me she doesn't like it and I've apparently said 'tough, don't be a fussy eater'.

What really happened was I put some seasoning on some food a few months ago, not knowing that she didn't like it.

She refused to eat it and I made something else and have made a conscious effort not to use the seasoning again. We are having a real battle with her over food at the minute, I've gone as far as to take her shopping with me so she can choose what she likes. I've then made it for her and she's refused to eat it saying she doesn't like it! At this point I have said to her she is being fussy and I won't stand for it.

I know it's only a small lie, but it's hurt me deeply that she's going to her mother making out that I am intentionally putting things she doesn't like in front of her and forcing her to eat it. It also makes me deeply anxious to be left alone with her because if she is going to lie about something like that, what is stopping her from lying about something bigger?

I tried to talk to my partner about it and he got very defensive and told me to sort it out myself and speak to the youngest when she comes here again about it. I've told him I don't feel comfortable and he's lost his temper and said that I'm 'pushing everything on him' because I've asked him to speak to their mother about what's been happening. He has also said that the youngest has lied about things he had said or done and she does lie about things that happened at her mums. He's even acknowledged and described her behaviour as being manipulative, but doesn't want to do anything about it.

I'm now dreading the kids coming because I spend the majority of my time with them on my own and I'm so worried about her coming up with more lies just because I've told her off.

To top it off, I recently found out I am pregnant with my first child and I've had to beg my other half not to tell the kids because I think it's going to cause the youngest's behaviour to worsen.

I'm just so upset and I don't know what to do.

Do you have a civil relationship with the kids mum? Do the three of you talk?

I dislike BM and when you have a DC I bet you would not like to be labelled as BM. That aside, their dads lack of time for them and your dread of seeing the DC will be coming across to them. They are little people not robots.

I don't think you should completely back away as you are a significant part of the new family group (before anyone shoots me I am a mum who shares DC and despite my ex and his partner being twats they are a partnership). He needs to lead though in terms of time and enthusiasm and together you should how adults are fair and supportive together.

There is no way you should be caring for his child whilst he’s off doing whatever. The child’s visits to her dad’s house should fit around his working hours, not yours.
The birth mother comment is pretty offensive. You are a girlfriend, not any kind of mother to this child. It sounds to me like you’re involving yourself too much in trying to parent what is probably a confused child who can’t understand why her dad is palming her off on some random woman. No wonder she’s playing up. Your boyfriend is taking the piss. You should be charging him by the hour for childcare.

They're coming for contact with their dad on days he isn't there? why?! And he's ok with that? What a lazy crap dad he is.

You keep saying you want to "get to the bottom of what is going on".......there's nothing to get to the bottom of, shes 7. All perfectly normal behaviour.

You're not their step-mother. Tell your boyfriend you're unavailable for childcare and he'll need to sort out his arrangements regarding his kids. And lose the birth mother thing. She's their mum and you're dads new girlfriend.

I tried to talk to my partner about it and he got very defensive and told me to sort it out myself and speak to the youngest when she comes here again about it. I've told him I don't feel comfortable and he's lost his temper and said that I'm 'pushing everything on him' because I've asked him to speak to their mother about what's been happening.

This is absolutely appalling. You are "pushing everything on him"?? They are his kids and he is literally pushing the childcare of them onto you. Has he got absolutely no self awareness?

I would stop looking after them on your own OP, and tell him it's because of his entitled and unsupportive attitude towards you doing it. He should be jumping to sort these issues out himself.

How do you know what the girl said to her mother?

Her mother told OPs boyfriend.

I hate the term BM It implies that you feel your role is also that of a mother and hence both of you need an additional word to differentiate. She's their Mum. You are their Dad's new partner. You need to step back and stop looking after his daughter all the time. She does not have the same attachment to you, she probably feels rejected by her Dad. He needs to sort this out. I very much doubt that a new baby in this situation is going to help anything.

Bit ironic that you take such offence to the term BM then end the comment by telling a woman she shouldn't be having her baby. One is significantly more rude than the other.

She didn't say the OP shouldn't be having a baby. She said the new baby won't help, which it absolutely won't. It will make things 100 times worse for that poor child.

Thanks school I missed that.

Well just ignore it. Could equally be the mother making it up.

Your DP needs to step up and deal with it. He can't push it all on you ON TOP of all the work you're doing to look after them. I wonder if the issues are in part that she's not getting enough time with her Dad. It must feel strange for her to go and be looked after by her Dad's partner - even though it sounds like you're doing a great job in difficult circumstances. In her childlike brain, it may feel that neither of her parents want her.

In terms of the food, I'd say it's an attention seeking thing - she knows it pushes your buttons and gets her lots of attention even if some of it is negative. If she says she doesn't want something after it's cooked, I'd just be really neutral and say she should eat the things on her plate she does like/want. If she complains she's hungry after - I'd give her toast (or something else super easy for you). Just try not to feed into it at all and be very casual.

In terms of kids eating, the phrase "you decide what and when and they decide whether and how much" helped me a lot! Although I do always give something extra (but plain like toast/porridge) if DS is hungry after dinner.

She didn't say the OP shouldn't be having a baby. She said the new baby won't help, which it absolutely won't. It will make things 100 times worse for that poor child.

The implication is there. OPs baby does not exist to "help" another child, it's disrespectful.

Oh I missed that you’re pregnant.

Shouldn’t be surprised, It’s like a script. All these threads follow the same script. Shit father, dumps his kids on the nearest female, despite this she thinks he’s an ideal candidate to father her child. WHY???

@SailingAwayIntoSunrise did you honestly just post on this thread to make that comment? If so its not the op that's the dick. No wonder this place has such a bad reputation with regards to its attitude towards step parents.

OP hugs, difficult situation for you. I echo others in that I would do less and not be left alone with them. Also congratulations

Does the DCs’ mum know they are coming for contact with you, not their father? Why would she allow or encourage that? Presumably there are any number of actual family members with whom they could spend time ahead of their father’s girlfriend. I’m assuming you’re not a long-standing family friend or pseudo-auntie?
None of this is anything to do with you, they aren’t your children. Step back.

OP are you wiping her after she goes to the toilet? Or is she self sufficient in that? Because I'd say you don't need her mums input here to get to the bottom of what is going on.

The language you've used shows you're acting like you're a stepmother. Her mum and dad are just leaving her with you every week and she feels abandoned and uncomfortable with you. That's not a reflection on her or you, she just doesn't feel safe in the way she does when a parent is there probably.

@SailingAwayIntoSunrise What a nasty response. The OP has already apologised/ explained. She is trying to help and support a young child in obvious distress. Well ell done to her for caring.

I would also take a step back from caring for them OP.
They are there to spend time with their Dad. Plus it is his responsibility to manage the relationship with their mum.
He doesn’t sound very supportive and a bit selfish.

Tough responses here. It’s very difficult to suddenly find oneself in a parenting role. I think you are calling stuff out as lies and manipulation, when it’s actually a normal interpretation of events for a 7 year old, which is not to say it’s not lies and manipulation, but there’s nothing special in that, and no doubt your Much wanted surprise child will be doing it with the best of them in a few years.
It’s really hard, but take a step back from this. You are being criticised and it’s not fair, but getting defensive or blaming the kid is going to make it worse.keeping on with involving the child in choosing and preparing food, and absolutely letting her know that it’s fine to leave food is the way to go. If she doesn’t eat it give her a slice of toast r some cereal, keep the drama low.
And I don’t think you need to leave your partner, but you do need him to see that they are his kids and you are not just free childcare.
It’s definitely his job to get back to the kids mother and explain your joint approach, and ask her if she has any suggestions to help.

@Smallsteps88 Did you miss the bit where the OP says she thought she couldn't have children, and was surprised when she became pregnant?

This thread is demoralising for the not-so-thinly veiled dislike of stepmothers in general. It seems that some mothers like to sow the seeds of unhappiness in their children by denigrating the father's new partner, rather than encouraging positive relationships.

A great shame.

I do agree, though, that your DP needs to do more for and with his younger daughter, OP, and that he needs to talk to her mother too.

FWIW, the wanting potato wedges then refusing them is just ordinarily tiresome 7 yo behaviour, I think. Though it can be hard to know what's normal and what isn't, sometimes.

There is no point to try to explain to OP that she is overstepping and should let dad parent his children. She wants to do it. She wants to be the marvellous step mum who is better than their real mum in every single way.
So let's put heads together and think about how to minimise the damage this overly keen lady might do.
First fact: this little girl is desperate to spend time with her dad, not with dad's girlfriend who is in their childminder role. She does all those things to deliver her message: I don't want you to do the chores my dad should do!
Possible solution: Ask dad to buy stuff, don't go shopping with her because SHE DOESN'T WANT YOU. Lazy dad or just avoiding his children, surely he is able to get shopping and bring that home???
When you cook, tell her that: you dad asked me to cook this today. Then she can't refuse the food her dad chose. She is refusing YOUR CHOICES.
If she still kicks off (she probably will because dad isn't there to eat with her) tell her calmly: “This meal was your dad's choice. If you do not like it, tell him that and he can fix something else for you!” She can be hungry for a couple of hours until dad is home.
If she is asking for snacks instead of the meal you can answer: “your dad asked that you will not have any snack before he is home.” When he is back, he will decide about the snacks. I am not your parent, so we have to wait for him to make these decisions.”
This will take away her attempt to fight against you. Now all her actions are against his dad (she might choose not to fight back).
Second- you are free from blame. If dad will come home and say: yes she can have snacks and no dinner-fine. It's his child. If now their mum kicks off, it wasn't you, it was him.

Stay safe. Your DP or the mother do not care about your well-being or your dignity.

Did you miss the bit where the OP says she thought she couldn't have children, and was surprised when she became pregnant?

Do you know how many times we’ve heard that on MN?

Yes another man who gets a woman in to do the parenting of HIS DC.

She wants to be the marvellous step mum who is better than their real mum in every single way. - whyyy do people have to be so horrible??!!

This thread is demoralising for the not-so-thinly veiled dislike of stepmothers in general. It seems that some mothers like to sow the seeds of unhappiness in their children by denigrating the father's new partner, rather than encouraging positive relationships. @TheExterminatingAngel - agree with this

Your 'd'P has chosen to abandon his parental responsibilities to you. It is up to you to make him step up to the plate.

Tell him that no, it is NOT your job to make his DD behave (or however one wants to put it), that is his job. That you will deal with the little or immediate things that affect you (ie please don't use my hairbrush, run with scissors, etc) but that he needs to deal with her fussiness and other larger problem behaviours. Tell him that you will cook ONE meal, taking into account things she likes/dislikes as you would anyone else's, but if that she doesn't want to eat it, that will be his problem to sort out. And for God's sake, don't be the one to sort out her toileting 'accidents'. Let him do the dirty work.

That it is also NOT your job to provide childcare, you are doing him a massive favour by doing so. What did he do about childcare during his 'awkward work hours' before you came on the scene? I daresay it was worked out between him and his ex-wife. So actually, you're doing BOTH of them a massive favour. A favour you are seriously considering stopping.

Listen, you are soon enough going to have a child of your own as well as DSD. You certainly aren't going to want a situation where he abandons all child-related responsibilities for both children to you, do you? Time for you to find your steel ovaries and stand up for yourself and demand that he take his responsibilities seriously. By doing so, you will also be standing up for DSD and your baby.

TBH, when I hear of these type things, I often wonder how much his behaviour in abandoning his parenting duties had to do with the breakup of his marriage/relationship.