Say no to the haters of step parents.

[Feelthefear01]

After posting a thread in a popular chat i have come to realise us step parents are not very highly thought off. This was made me obvious when I went through older step parenting posts.
So thought I would start a thread with just stories, support and tips for all us step parents out there.

That is so lovely and just shows that not all step parents are the OW /OM and the evil people we are sometimes made out to be.

I'm a stepmother. I met my husband when his boys were almost teens and the eldest moved in with us followed by the other once he left. My husband died over ten years ago and the boys are in their way 30s but we are still part of each others lives, and they are particularly close to my eldest child, their half brother.
I was never a mother figure to them - there mother was nearby. But I was hopefully a supportive and understanding figure for them. They were always respectful and were very helpful when my kids were younger and never expressed any jealousy or resentment.

I was a stepparent. Recently (within the last 12 months) split with my ex, but still feel so strongly about the unfairness and bitterness towards stepparents on this site. So I do stick around and give my opinions ha.
I keep in touch with my ex’s child and we do have a good relationship.

What I have noticed on here is that more importance is placed on first children, which annoys me.

@funinthesun19

I was a stepparent. Recently (within the last 12 months) split with my ex, but still feel so strongly about the unfairness and bitterness towards stepparents on this site. So I do stick around and give my opinions ha. I keep in touch with my ex’s child and we do have a good relationship.

What I have noticed on here is that more importance is placed on first children, which annoys me.

i think they are given a little more importance as the parent has 'moved (on is not the right word but i cant think of the right one) ' and got a shiny new family and the first children need to know they are still important

its like when they talk about visitation etc, its important to remember its for the child not the parent.

@Pipandmum That is so nice to here. If anything happened to my other half I'm hoping his son will still feel welcome in our house and would still want to stay. @funinthesun19, very much appreciate your support on the other thread, was very much an eye opener. I thought at least woth this thread it can be used for positivity for step parents.

Dislike of step parents doesn't happen for no reason you know....

It appears on here that people have their own issues with there own step parents / their children's step parents and this is then reflected to all step parents.

I personally think step mother's have a bad rep (sorry) because we so frequently hear of their complaints against the ex-wife. Ex wife often seems to be described as mental, unfit and/or controlling.
And then we see the threads where step mothers don't seem to care for their partner's children very much and don't seem particularly sympathetic to them, they have their new baby and expect full attention and for their partner to reduce or drop his previous commitment and support of his existing children... etc...
I'm sure there are loads of fantastic, lovely step mums out there but there certainly are some who are not that nice at all. From what I have seen & heard anyway.

I'm a step-child. After 32 years, there's a still a man who can fix everything, has made parent-like sacrifices for us, will drop everything in an emergency , and has been involved in everything significant in my life.

When I speak about my parents visiting, I mean my mum and step dad.
Step parenting is a hard job, and we didn't make it easy in the early days, but it turns out you can't grind down a diamond.

I am sure there are some lovely step parents out there. I just haven't come across them in real life.
I would love to spend some time with my old dad but I can't.

@Susanna85 I totally agree. The same as there are terrible mothers and fathers out there.
One of my worries about my current pregnancy (believe me, I have many) is how this will affect DSS when baby arrives. We have planned with mum he will stay with us for a while so he doesn't feel he is being left out at his mum's. Is that the right thing to do?? Who knows but we will try to do what we all feel is best for him.

i think they are given a little more importance as the parent has 'moved (on is not the right word but i cant think of the right one) ' and got a shiny new family and the first children need to know they are still important

They are still important. Just not more important.

In real life I see mostly very loving step parents whose step children are quite happy that they are part of their lives. In one case the boy decided on his own as an older teen that he wanted to take his step fathers name (real dad neglected him). I think that on MN you mostly see and hear the bad stories, because what's the point in telling the internet that all is well?

i think they are given a little more importance as the parent has 'moved (on is not the right word but i cant think of the right one) ' and got a shiny new family and the first children need to know they are still important

I agree with @funinthesun19, they are not more important but for some reason people on this board think they should be.
I can almost understand being extra careful to include your SCs when new half siblings are born, but the general attitude towards SC is that they must always come first, even if the SMs own children aren’t their dad’s kids and have also gone through their own parents’ divorce / split.

It’s a weird double standard that I’ve only encountered on the MN stepparenting board and I can only assume those perpetuating this weird rhetoric are those posting from the perspective of being the ex wife and mother of DC who’s dad has remarried or had another relationship.

It’s very damaging and bizarre to post so vehemently about a situation that you have never personally been in. And no, having DC who have a SP or having a DP who is a SP to your own child is not the same as actually being stepparent and does not qualify you to make harsh judgements on those who are in that position, trying their best and maybe struggling a bit.

Anyway, back to OP’s originally sentiment. My DP is a wonderful SD to my DC, he’s kind, caring and generally wonderful influence in their lives.
I try to be the same for my SCs and from what I can tell they love me too and I have a lovely bond with both of them.

My uncle is also stepdad to my cousins (his wife’s kids) and has been around since my aunt was 6 months pregnant with her last child. They met as friends through work and she was still in the midst of an abusive relationship.
He helped her find freedom and took care of her as a friend, which turned to love and they have been together for 23 years now.
My cousins just see him as their dad and he loves them as if they were his own.

Another happy tale, my best friend (since childhood) has a wonderful SM. Her own mum was absolutely crap and selfish and waltzed in and out of her life depending on her mood / financial situation / current relationship.
Her SM was there for her always and after years of struggling with infertility was able to give my friend her half sibling when she was 14. My friend and her little brother (now 20 years old) are the closest siblings I’ve ever met.
Thank God for her SM who healed all the hurt her mother her caused her and loved her through the pain. Wonderful woman

The reason step mums get so much crap on here is because most of the non-step mums who choose to comment think that the only way to become a step mum is to have stolen someone's husband and stolen a woman's life. They've either experienced it, or its their worst fear to experience it.

Some step mums have been part of an affair, but many won't have been. My husband had been divorced for years before I even met him for example. But either way, that's what i think causes the ill-feeling. Probably not just on MN but in the general population.

@Tomasinaa I saw a a poignant comment on another thread on here which suggested that some exWs dislike the SM because the resent the fact that their DC are not the centre of their universe and do not come first in the SM’s priorities, but why would they?
I’m both a mother and a SM, and my DC has a SM so I see it from all sides which I think has made coparenting and blending a bit easier as I’m realistic about my expectations from all of the people involved in our set-up.

I’ve also learnt that some people thrive on drama and often try to create issues where most reasonable people wouldn’t find any.

I've complained to MNHQ many times about the unfair treatment of step parents.

There are some very bitter women on this site.

I'm not against all stepmothers, I see some good examples of blended families on here.

But what I mostly see on MN is family strife caused by lazy husbands or Disney dads, then instead of the OP pulling up her husband who conveniently doesn't 'see' issues and isn't parenting his child(ren), she will rant about his child(ren) being the problem. Blaming children for your grown man's shortcomings means rightly not being viewed as a good stepmum.

• Too many blithely don't take into account the hormonal teen years which can be crap to deal with at times (but don't last) & immediately go into enemy mode. That's not what a good parent does.

My DH is a step parent to my daughter and my daughter has a step mother. They're both amazing. My DD is so lucky to have them added to her life and our Co-parenting is pretty seamless, minus a few grumbles here and there. That said, some threads are just outrageous and I think sometimes becoming a step parent is taken too lightly. Not all step parents are great, just like not all parents are great. I don't think it can always be written off as step parent hate.

It sounds like some step parents are just amazing people. Keep them coming.

I think sometimes becoming a step parent is taken too lightly

I don't believe that's true. I think it's much harder than a lot of people realise when they get into that situation. (including me!)

My step dad came into my life when I was 14. He's great. Has done more for me than my dad ever has. My child knows him as grandpa and has no idea he's not my "real" dad (he's 4 I've not lied to him it's just never come up in conversation!!)

Trust It definitely has been taken too lightly by some people I know. It's a lifelong commitment that very often does not work out and for some, it's not a picture perfect relationship. I know I wouldn't make a wonderful step parent myself, I wouldn't enter a relationship where I had to become one as it wouldn't be fair on the DC.

DH met us when DD was less than a year old, he has been her Dad ever since and now as an older teen she often tells me that he is her favourite parent

He has changed nappies, provided hugs, wiped tears, played games, and been a stabilising influence is her life. Not only that but she is also his parents first grandchild, niece to his brothers and sisters, great grandchild to his grandparents

Some families are simply great!

(Before anyone says anything about DH being 'Dad' her biological dad had serious issues and is now deceased but she also has a loving relationship with his family as well - they are also good people and happy that she has such a wide supportive family)

Blaming children for your grown man's shortcomings means rightly not being viewed as a good stepmum

I get this, I really do, but I think some people forget that children aren’t all sweetness and light and can be truly fucking hideous at times.
SMs often throw themselves into family life with the best of intentions, but when met with hostility or ungratefulness it seems to be amplified due to the fact that they get literally nothing back for their own personal sacrifices.
With your own biological children you have a bond based on unconditional love, so even when they’re being tantruming ungrateful little horrors you still know they love you and you adore them.

I love my kids but I’ll honest that at times I don’t always like their behaviour and I’ve become exasperated and worn down. When my kids play up I don’t think it’s a reflection on my “poor parenting”, I think I’m a pretty bloody great mum actually.

Kids can be horrible little shits at times. Selfish, unkind and rude, particularly in their teenage years.

SPs are allowed to feel like this about their SCs and have a moan or ask for advice on how to deal with it rather than just being told it’s not their place to correct the behaviour, their DH must be a crap parent or that the little darlings absolutely must be misunderstood or struggling.

The issue is that people seem to hold SPs to higher standards than they would biological parents and it seems really unfair.

This forum should be a safe space to vent and ask advice during these times instead of being crucified for not totally martyring yourself as SP and finding all the bad behaviour from SCs tolerable.