Say no to the haters of step parents.

[Feelthefear01]

After posting a thread in a popular chat i have come to realise us step parents are not very highly thought off. This was made me obvious when I went through older step parenting posts.
So thought I would start a thread with just stories, support and tips for all us step parents out there.

@RyanStartedTheFire do you not think that's because they didn't really know what it would entail? How things would be?

There is no way if knowing whether you'll be good at it or not. I am (was?) A good step parent. But as hard as I have tried, the shit still hit the fan as such and there was nothing I could do about it.

It's a thankless task mainly and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone if I am being totally honest.

But if you asked my step dad he'd say the opposite. It's all down to the situation I think.

I got involved with a man with a child when I was 19. It didn’t bother me at the time and I thought “how hard can this be?” And I thought it was lovely he was a dad. If I could go back in time I would slap myself and tell myself to wake up.

I would be quite sad for my daughter if she gets with a man with a child when she is older. Especially at 19. It’s not a life I would want for her.

Yes Trust that is what I think, but that's why I think people need to carefully consider what it entails before committing themselves to someone else's children ideally for the rest of those children's lives. I know my ex and his DW split up previously because she had second thoughts about the enormity and lack of control over their life being tied to DD and her location. I still appreciate her as a SM, she is beyond excellent.

We've been very lucky and my DD is not in her teens yet so I might be back in ten years completely changing my tune but DH has been in her life since she was six months old. The shit has yet to hit the fan and he loves her equally as our DD together, although we're now having to consider what "fair" is when my DD has another families resources available to her. I agree, it's all down to the situation though. Me and ex are amicable, split up almost a decade ago and there's no arguing which must help somewhat.

You can carefully consider what it entails until you're blue in the face but it makes no difference. I considered it a lot. And I knew that kids come first, plans wouldn't be as easy, bla bla.

I couldn't have known how things would actually go though. If I did I'd have walked away years ago.

I think this is the case for a lot of step parents.

I didn't realise how easy I have it. I have never had any issues with DH ex, however they where only together because she got pregnant do don't think there is any love lost there. My partner, DSS and I go for days out together and holidays and his Mum will always thank me for having him, although to me I don't need thanking as it wouldn't occur to me not to take him. I think she is unsure now I'm having a baby, but I'll just keep my distance for a while until she come round to the idea and I appreciate it must be tough for her. It's agreed all round if he is in my care, I have a right to discipline as I see fit, and have done the same as I would my own child. Mum will ask us to have him sime times if she wabts to make plans with friends or her partner, and she is happy for us not to have him if me and my partner had plans. I don't agree with some of her views, but then I don't agree with some of my best mates views, does not mean I'm against the woman. I never actually realised how lucky I am with the situation, although I'll come back in a few years when he reached the dreaded teenage phase

feelthefear that sounds very similar to our family dynamic. When it works, it's truly lovely and my DD benefits from every SP and their families so much.

Trust Totally respect that as you'll have a completely different scope and probably a wider viewpoint than I can as someone never being a SP. I've probably summed it up by saying we've been incredibly lucky, which we have and is probably what it all comes down to if it works out or not.

Ryan to be fair I imagine if I'd been the step parent of your child it would have been a very different experience! You're right. That's how it should be. Amicable. Nobody has to be friends but all the adults involved being amicable is what makes it work imo.

Unfortunately not everybody can manage it.

To be fair OP, you come across as a completely different person here than you did on your other thread.

Here, I would respond to say that you sound like a very caring and considerate SM. You can't across as selfish on the other.

A lot of the time, it comes down to how the posts are written.

I’m a SM, and I have both a stepmum and stepdad. I use “parents” to describe both my sets of parents, though I obviously use DSMum and DSDad’s names when talking to them.
I’ve been in my DSS’s life since he was 9 months old, and I treat him as I would my own.
I always like a nice supportive stepparent thread!!

Step mums get a terrible time on here. They are held to unrealistic standards that we don't hold other mothers too.

What I do think is that some of the women who post on here can't see the cause of their problem. Its not the SC or the ex, if their partner. Or the information they are getting from their DP isn't the full truth, or a very tainted view.

I would say on the whole we're an incredibly well adjust happy blended family. I come on here with an occasional problem and say that I have DSC and generally get told I am a shit mum, but if I leave that part out I get some good advice and sympathy.

@feelthefear when we had our daughter begot both DSC involved in choosing her first outfit to wear, her comforter etc. I remember sitting in hospital after I had her and their dad was having a chat to them before they met her and one of my DSC said 'this is the best day of my life!'

They all really love each other and get really offended when they are called 'step' siblings

What I do think is that some of the women who post on here can't see the cause of their problem. Its not the SC or the ex, if their partner.

My problem was mainly my ex without a shadow of a doubt. The men in these situations could save a lot of troubles and heartache for the family if they just worked harder in everything. It’s actually that simple!
Some ex wives are bloody awful too though, and the day the ex wife left my life was a day of celebration.

The vitriol/ bias against SM’s on mnet is simply hideous. There are a handful of supportive posters who have been there / got the t-shirt and give helpful/ supportive advice.

The remainder? I can only think are mothers who have children with SM’s in their lives. Hate the fact that these women have any involvement in their children’s lives. And are hellbent on making as many SM’s as miserable as possible. Whilst at the same time propping up their own rhetoric of how awful SM’s are.

I dated a man whose EXW went into ballistic mode on finding out about me. There have been hearings and investigations (based on her complaints) and in one of them she complained to SS that ‘she (me) is with my children and no assessment has been done on her (me).’ When questioned on what her grounds were for thinking I needed one, she couldn’t reply. Staggering really.

Her children are on a pedestal (which as a parent I find hard to understand) and her projection is that everyone should place these children on a pedestal. It wouldn’t surprise me one bit that she is a regular (vitriol) filled poster on here. She cannot stand me around her children and sadly as a result I don’t really spend anytime with her children. When in actual fact they miss me and my children, but when a parent is this hostile and unsupportive, there is very little I can do to build a peaceful, happy home.

Everything this woman has done, continues to do. The only children missing out are hers. I had no idea that women existed like this, with one intent only. To make their exes/ partners lives as difficult as possible when it came to the children.

It’s more common than people realise. And these woman are not being held to account for their behaviours.

@sassbott that is so sad. I have a friend who's partners ex is the same and the only thing it achieves is that the DSC misses out on a relationship with mot only their parent but other siblings.
You say she puts the children on a pedestal, but she doesn't put them first when it comes to her own issues she has with you. However, no one really sees it like that and you have obviously done something wrong to dear children for her to treat you like that

@Feelthefear01 the children still have an excellent relationship with their father. She tried to stop contact (no grounds) and have many years of court proceedings, court ordered contact was implemented. The reality is that most children don’t want to reject their parent (and she tried).

The manipulation / conflict around the children then showed up around me. So I made the decision that for the children to be free from conflict I would remove myself so they could enjoy 121 time with their father. Not because it’s what they wanted (although every child absolutely needs 121 time with their parents), but because the feelings that were clearly being projected onto me, I had no control over.

As many have said (on another thread), it is very easy that when conflict between parents exist, the emotions from the children will very easily be displaced towards the SP. We become easy targets.

Pile on a NRP who doesn’t see their children enough (and therefore simply doesn’t discipline the same way a RP does) and you have very unhealthy dynamics coming into play.

A lot of the problems SM’s have, are about the above dynamics. Hostile/ unsupportive EXW + a NRP who parents with minimal discipline + a SM (who potentially has their own children and parents/ disciplines differently) + children caught in conflict and acting up = a nightmare.

My first step mother was a cow. She didn't like that my Dad had a life before he met her and she couldn't stand us. However she was very sly about it, and I was often called a liar when I told my Dad what she had said, and forced to apologise to her. Fortunately it wasn't long till he clicked onto what was actually happening, because she wasn't as smart as she thought she was.

Current stepmother - absolutely adore her, came into my life when I was a traumatised 17 year old. I was bloody awful to her for the first year as I didn't trust her, my step Dad was also a dickhead so I'd had 2 shit SPs. But she is amazing. My DC adore her. I ring her specifically, I talk to her more than my Dad I'm close to her daughter too, despite the 10 year age gap between us (I'm older).

What I do think is that some of the women on here can't see the cause or their problem

I know what you're saying, I'm often shocked by the cheek of the DH/P in threads on here. But as long as there are pages and pages of comments on any thread where a SM expresses anything other than unfailing positivity about the situation, saying things like "you knew what you were getting into", "you will never be as important as the kids, you known your place", calling her childish for wanting any amount of time with her partner (even if he's currently not spending any with her and it's a perfectly rational feeling), calling her selfish for having subsequent children with him that are just a hindrance to his first ones, saying they would kick her to the curb if they were here partner and she ever dared to tell their child off or didn't love them "as much as her own" - the partner is not the only problem. The attitudes of people in general are a major part of the problem.

It is normalised for separated parents to get into relationships with new people and expect them to put up with things they would never put up with in other relationships, without ever struggling with that. It's normalised for them to expect their partner to be down with doing half if not more of the childcare because after all, they should "love them like their own", and if they don't then THEY are the problem. It's normalised to be incredibly defensive of any perceived criticism of the children's behaviour, or of the things the step parent is being expected to put up with for the sake of the children.

Yes you get a lot of Disney dad's, but the problem runs so much deeper than that. The problem is the culture that allows them to act that way, putting step parents at the absolute bottom of the pile, whilst also having the nerve to vilify them for it, when in reality all a step parent is on paper is someone that didn't reject a potential partner on the basis of THEIR past choices. It is incredibly isolating to do that with no malice in your heart, only to find that you are living in a society that hates you. In my opinion, it makes the situation 10x harder to deal with and probably leads to the resentment everyone is so afraid step parents are going to exhibit. I know I would find it much easier to deal with if I wasn't forever railing against the injustice of it all.

ASofaNearYou your post is brilliant and accurate.

I was a bad step parent. Dh was absolutely terrified of his kids and wouldn’t discipline them or refuse them anything. When we spent time with them and my kids too, it was simply hell. I was massively resentful and this ruined my relationship with THEM which is sad.

What I have noticed on here, is that more importance is placed on the first child, and that annoys me

I guess most people think that ‘first family’ children are at risk of being forgotten/left behind if their parents divorce and their Dad remarries, but in reality there’s often so much guilt from the father (relating to the divorce) that the ‘first family’ children are put on a pedestal and their needs eclipse the rest of the family, including the ‘second family’ children, who generally get the lesser deal. Not a healthy dynamic.

There is a thread on here going at the moment about a step mother refusing to wash her 13 year old sdd. She said her clothes stink and she wants to have a ‘frank’ talk with her. No one is helping that child to wash her clothes. She will have no clean underwear which can cause health issues.

It’s threads like these that cause ill feeling towards step parents

@Spillinteas, that’s a deliberately provocative comment designed to inflame this thread.

13 year old can wash own clothes. As can the parent. Not the step mothers responsibility and you know that! Please stop baiting, posters like you are the ones we are calling out.

Oh and if my own children refused to shower/ use deodorant and take responsibility for their personal hygiene? I wouldn’t wash their revolting clothing either (or give them access to wifi or any treats) until they learned to be more respectful of others who have to share their home/ space.

I haven't read it but isn't dad around to wash clothes. Not all step parents are good, the same as not all parents are good, but parents generally aren't all tarred under the same brush like step parents are.

I have had my fair share of negative comments in the past.

I am a stepmum to a 9 year old boy.

I have been in his life since 14 months and living with him since 2.5yo.

He was with my husband full time, used to have supervised contact with his mother.

I am the only mum he knows and he is the child that made me a mummy. I always say to him my love is more special as I chose to love him but I had to love his brother as he grew in my belly (of course lighthearted, more if he is having a down day - he has anxiety and asd). I was the one there day after day parenting him.

He is my son. Most of the parents at the school just assume. Most people I know just assume. I don't explain unless a direct question is asked. It helps that he actually looks a lot like me and funnily enough we actually have the same hereditary condition.

If anything ever happened between my husband and I then I would want 50/50 access same as my biological son.

Of course there are bad step parents out there, the same as there are bad biological parents!

My parents divorced when I was 8. For years my mum was in an abusive relationship so we won't go there. But she is now married to my stepdad. I was an adult when they got together. We always got on very well from the beginning, and never had any problems at all.
People sometimes seem surprised at how well we have always got on. But to me it was normal. I thought there's no reason why we wouldn't we get on so why wouldn't we? (I know that's not always the case but for us it was). My dad will always be my dad and my stepdad never tried to be my dad, but he was always like another dad to me. Same as he was like another grandad to my son.

I love these, keep the posts coming. @00deed1988 I love this, it is true, you choose to love your step children. I also think it's lovely that if you and hubby split you would want to split the access the same as you would any child you have birth to yourself.