Say no to the haters of step parents.

[Feelthefear01]

After posting a thread in a popular chat i have come to realise us step parents are not very highly thought off. This was made me obvious when I went through older step parenting posts.
So thought I would start a thread with just stories, support and tips for all us step parents out there.

I got the OW comment, was really shocked as it never occurred to me that people may think this. I love my step child here, he keeps me company. However, also enjoy the peace and quiet when he is not. I also love the other half going away for a weekend and bo doubt when the baby comes I will appreciate a bit of time to myself then too. Does that make me a bad person, a bad wife or mum? I like to think it just makes me normal.

@Feelthefear01 no it does not make you a bed person or a terrible stepparent.
I will happily admit I often look forward to my own biological child going off to their dad’s for the weekend so I can have peace and some alone time with my partner
I also sometimes enjoy my partner working nights so I can have the bed to myself and watch all the trashy tv I want!

I think it is partly because people have so many negative experiences in their own personal life, and they project that.

For example, I have a step father who has been in my life since I was 5. I won't go into detail because it's long winded and, frankly, a bit boring, but I will say that my childhood experiences as being part of a blended family were quite negative. I haven't had contact with my step sister in over 20 years but I bet you that she would say that her experience was negative as well.

In light of this experience, I hear about situations and find that I immediately, and very unfairly, associate it with my own experience. Perhaps others are doing the same? I at least recognise this and make an effort to try and be more objective, but plenty of others aren't even aware that they're doing it.

I'm sure that there are plenty of happy blended families out there, but there are enough unhappy ones that people jump to conclusions. Not to mention that the media has historically portrayed so many step parents and step siblings in a negative light.

I'm a step parent. My older steps hate me. Won't engage at all. It's been very very hard. I think part of the issue is I couldn't do all the acts of service that children tend to see as showing you care. We were a 5 person plus three dog household plus I was working a very difficult job so I refused to pick up and clean, and wash after the teenagers ( I did at first but it became too much) This bred a lot of resentment.

I am a step-mother and was a step-child twice.

One of my step-mother's was lovely and my mother respected her, after her initial nastiness. The other was warned by my extended family not to go near myself, my siblings (full/half/step), my mother and my other step-mother. My own SC's mother is currently acting crazy so I have absolutely nothing to do with her. (Like with my second step-mother there is proof of her poor behaviour.)

I also have loads of friends with step-parents the majority of whom are lovely and a minority that are/been crazy to different degrees.

So when people post I can see both sides.

My default is the majority of people aren't nasty but unaware of the impact their behaviour is having on the children in the family.

I’m curious @beforeiputonmymakeup, what is the behaviour you cite that says it’s the Sm’s acting ‘crazy?’. My own SC's mother is currently acting crazy so I have absolutely nothing to do with her

What’s she doing?

I can tell you that my DP’s EW won’t sing praises about me, never has done. As I have previously said going as far as to complain to SS that ‘she (me) has not been assessed before being allowed around her children.’ It wouldn’t surprise me if she called me a myriad of names under the sun in private/ on the internet and also cited ‘proof of poor behaviour.’

You (and others) may be completely justified in having the axe to grind against SM’s. There will be some great ones, there will be some poor ones.

However (as others have cited their multitude of examples about their negative experiences against SM’s), my experience tells me that it is not always straightforward or clear cut. If someone is acting ‘crazy’, I always ask what else is going on? If that human being is normally healthy, grounded and emotionally sound, what is happening in this particular area?

I’m not saying by the way that your DC’s SM isn’t acting crazy, but curious as to what makes you say that? Maybe if we were all more aware of assumptions/ thoughts etc this might become easier for all?

Sorry. Mistype. What is it the SC’s mother is doing? I too have nothing to do my DP’s DC’s mother (sadly). I hate it but see no way of making it any other way.

@sassbott as far as I'm concerned my second step-mother and my SC's mother were/are not normal healthy humans. All I'm really allowed to say in public - particularly as I have lovely half-siblings from the former - is that you don't attempt to harass/attack your DP's other children and provide clear evidence of what you have tried to do.

I also said in my post my own mother was nasty to my first step-mother for a few years and I personally know my mother's behaviour in some situations was wanting. However I haven't heard reports that my mother targeted my dad's and step-mother's other children when she was being abusive. If she had been my first step-mother wouldn't have allowed my mum in her house around her children and they wouldn't have attended family events/parties when they knew each other would be there. I also wouldn't have got a severe telling off the first time my step-mother looked after me and reported back to my mum I misbehaved.

It’s the hypocrisy of mumsnet.

Step parents should always be 2nd class citizens, their wants and needs should always come 2nd and they have no right to be part of a family with step children. Until it comes to childcare and finances of course, then of course they should contribute 50/50.

It concerns me that a lot of 1st wives/partners read these threads and then think they can be as demanding and difficult as possible because a lot of mumsnetters agree with that behaviour.

My DC's step-mum is brilliant. EXH and I have 50/50 residency and she is very involved in parenting and supports them whole-heartedly. At school parents evenings we all go together, the 3 adults and the DC and there has never been any evidence that she resents them. I'm sure at times she does have her moments of finding being a step-parent a pain in the arse (just like us parents do), but there has never been an occasion where she has let it show, which is amazing because DC1 has ASC and can be very challenging with his meltdowns. If I were to pop my clogs tomorrow I'd know that the DC were loved and well cared for by EXH and his DW.

That’s lovely to hear but a lot of the good relationship will be because you are behaving like a responsible, reasonable adult too. A lot of the 1st wives/partners on here are extremely entitled and use their children as a bargaining tool.

Taz you do realise that a lot of the step parents on here are also ‘first wives’ ? The two are not mutually exclusive?

Hi👋👋 I'm another SM . I have known my sd since she was 5 years old she is now 17 going on 27 😂. We have a great relationship, she lives with me and my dh full time .
Her relationship with her mother broke down a few years ago due to her choice of partners , and yes her mother chose her partner over my sd and kicked her out but that's another story .

I think you can be best step parent in the world , but just having the label step parent puts a dark cloud over your head . You cant do right for doing wrong either .

Being a step parent is a bloody hard job , But in saying that I've helped to raise a lovely young lady if I say so myself , yes she sees her mum but my sd knows she can always come to me for anything too .

Refreshing thread. I was always quite surprised at the harshness and expectations that SM shouldn't complain despite the disproportionate sacrifices many make. I wonder if it's sneaking envy in some cases in acknowledgement that it is a tough job. There is definitely sexism at play too in that a SM is fair game but a SD is a saint.

In my case DSD was f/t resident, so I did the giving, emotional support, financial provision (house, hols etc) and bore stiff upper lip against occasional rudeness. Not perfect just my best, like most parents. As many have said if the resident parent ignores poor behaviour it undermines everything. And this has made things increasingly difficult over the years, esp now we have younger DS and DD, since DSD has become more vocally rude when visiting (living with bf the last couple years). DH will not confront her but rips a strip off our DC (15 years younger!) if they're rude to me.

I became a stepchild at the same age as DSD did, 11, and although my DSF (and mum) have their grumbles about each other, my mum and I always big up my DSF in our conversations. They're not an overly PDA couple but they respect and love each other and although I was a little shit at times in my earlier years, I never got the impression I could come between them or diss DSF. My DH also was raised by his mum and DSF from a much earlier age and it was v rocky and DH has admitted his over protective attitude towards DSD is due to not wanting to repeat that cycle, but it really hasn't served her well.

So I've come here for support just a handful of times over the last few years, posting as positively and child centred as possible, and although I've not received aggression, there's been a polite sense of, so what?

Step parents should always be 2nd class citizens, their wants and needs should always come 2nd and they have no right to be part of a family with step children. Until it comes to childcare and finances of course, then of course they should contribute 50/50
This is very true but sadly the other end of the sprectum is also very common. SMs with children from a previous relationship and/or new children who consider that the children of the partner is 'baggage' that you just have to tolerate. Nothing nasty, nothing that is poor treatment per se, but a constant reminder that they are not actually party to the new family bubble and that the expectation is for them to adjust to all the changes that comes it regardless of their individual needs. Then when the child gets to the age of realising that they have just always felt rejected or second best, and decide they don't want to go any longer, the only reason considered is that of mother's alienation.

I really believe that both case scenarios happen all too often. Ex who dont accept the seperation and that the ex has moved on and hangs on to her and her child being the centre of his world, and the new partner considering that her and her kids are the centre of his new world and the scs should just accept coming second best because they'rere not resident.

Problem is when one is pointed out, it is always fired back with the other, when ultimately, they are two different issues and don't take away the former.

I would hazard a bet that it works out best when the legal parents are able to be grown up with each other and new partners, have appropriate responsibility for and authority with their children. Unfortunately many people live in a blame / guilt / fear reality. In the film secrets and lies, there's a showdown about family secrets and a main character shouts, why can't we share our pain? I do believe that's critical but we usually don't do it effectively.

I am a child of step parents and I am a step parent!

My Mum was married 3 times 🙄 and I don't see my Dad but I still see my first Stepdad and his wife (my kids call him grandad), he is lovely and has gotten me out of many scrapes (he married my Mum when I was 5 and they divorced when I was 13). My 2nd stepdad is married to my Mum now and they married when I was 16, he is lovely and is Grandad.... to my kids. I also had a step mum (married to my idiot Dad) and she was the most amazing woman and I adored her, she passed away when she was 52 and am gutted that my kids will never know her. My daughters middle name is her name though.

I am a stepmum to two grown up children and my god it's been so hard with my SD especially! We now have an amicable relationship but I'm not sure we will ever be close which is a shame but that's how it's worked out. It's a hell of a lot better than when she was a teenager though!!!

I can't believe what a rough deal stepparents get on MN.

@feelthefear I'm not very far into your thread but just wanted to say that when DD was born we had DSS for a few extra weeks (usually 50:50 week on/off) so he didn't feel left out. We wanted to involve him in as much as possible. Ther is an 11 year age gap which helps.

Also we had him for the first two months of lockdown exclusively and it did wonders for his relationship and bond with DD. Her face would light up when she saw him and he really learnt to interact with her now she's a little bigger and starting to be a bit more interactive.

Dislike of step parents doesn't happen for no reason you know....

Yes, and many of those reasons are often entirely outside the step parent's control, such as simply existing in many cases.

I'd be fascinated to know how people deal with constantly not being backed by their partner. Dad's are notorious for minimalising or ignoring their children's disrespectful behaviour. Has it been a deal breaker for anyone? I really struggle with it, feels like a constant betrayal to have my feelings disregarded, no apologies (and I'm not exactly a soft touch), whilst adult DC and DH put each other on a pedestal and can see each other doing no wrong. Meanwhile our younger kids 4 and 5 are pulled up no end for small things

I was just slammed on another post for complaining about the abusive behaviour my husband's ex has. There are A LOT of haters in this site, that's for sure!