Say no to the haters of step parents.

[Feelthefear01]

After posting a thread in a popular chat i have come to realise us step parents are not very highly thought off. This was made me obvious when I went through older step parenting posts.
So thought I would start a thread with just stories, support and tips for all us step parents out there.

@Spillinteas I see what you’re saying about bad examples, but it’s not fair to assume all stepparents are awful because there are some who are.

In my previous line of work I dealt with hundreds and hundreds of awful and neglectful biological parents, but I don’t assume all parents are crap or evil.

So why do people assume if you’re a stepparent (SMs in particular) that you hate or resent the presence of your SC?

That’s the unfair part.

Great thread. What a breath of fresh air as the board has been pretty civil for a while until the last few days when it’s been overrun with non-SM vitriol.

Some great insights shared here.

If I could change one thing about the SP board it would be everyone to stop and think that every family is totally different and so blasting someone for not meeting your expectations is never going to be helpful.

So many seem to think that SMs must love SDs like their own and never, ever do anything that would make their lives imperfect. It’s not that simple for everyone.

There’s an inability or unwillingness to acknowledge that parents can and do play games at their child’s expense after a split. The mother can do no wrong, the SM can do no right. It doesn’t reflect reality.

Look at 100 divorces and there will be 100 different sets of circumstances. I feel myself hoping for constructive comments and knowing who the aggressors are before I even look at their username. The same handful of bitter ‘one size fits all’ people always lurking, like it’s sport.

There needs to be room to every combination and situation on here and lot more empathy. There are some brill posters. I would just love to hear more from them and a lot less from the bullies.

The thoughts here on MN is:

Step mums= unkind women who never want their SC around, treat them like shit etc.

Step dad= amazing men who have ‘taken on’ another mans children, making sacrifices along the way.

Similar to how single mums and single dads are thought of really.

I’m not a step-parent nor do I have one

My daughter does though and I’m beyond grateful that she is in my DD’s life. Imagine being lucky enough to have a team of three loving parents on your side

@FatalSecrets what a lovely perspective

I am a stepmum and have a great relationship with my stepsons. Though their dad sadly died last year we are still close, they are very close to DS. DH was a single parent with the kids at home full time when we met, they were teens but were just happy to see their dad happy. DSS2 said at DH's funeral in his eulogy that he had never seen his dad so happy and content with life until he met me, which was unexpected and made me very emotional. It must have taken a lot for him to say that because he loves his mum, and spent most of his childhood not allowed to see her because of a court order stating she was a danger to him. Despite that he never showed any resentment towards me at all and I actually get on OK with his mum. I mean she isn't my best friend or anything, but she has looked after DS in the past when he was younger, and we send each other Christmas cards and a small gift. Relationships can improve over time as long as everyone acts in the best interest of all the children, not just the one you share with that person or the other. That's a family, whether biological or not.

These threads always bemuse me. A significant number of the posters who call out shitty step parenting behaviour are step parents themselves.
It’s the nature of the beast. People don’t tend to post about the positive aspects of step parenting.
And generally it is step parents who don’t have children of their own who struggle most with issues of dominance or being ‘most important’ in their partners lives.
And that will continue until time immortal.
There are plenty of fantastic step parents (I’m one ) and there are plenty of crap ones. As there are plenty of great mums and some not so great ones.
And if you post on a public forum you’re opening yourself up to hear feedback that you won’t like but it would be great if MN evolved into a space where the old ‘MN hates step parents’ mantra was rolled out on every thread where a step parents attitudes or behaviour are challenged.

*wasn’t rolled out.....’

And generally it is step parents who don’t have children of their own who struggle most with issues of dominance or being ‘most important’ in their partners lives.
And that will continue until time immortal.
There are plenty of fantastic step parents (I’m one ) and there are plenty of crap ones. As there are plenty of great mums and some not so great ones.

You might be a fantastic step parent but you aren't a fantastic fellow human if you dish out such patronising judgment of step parents who don't have their own children and whose partner has an inadequate life balance to maintain a relationship.

My Ds12 has a stepmum has do for about 6 years son loves her an I think she is lovely she will happily drive the 2 hours it is to pick him up if dad in work an takes her work holidays of same time schools are so she can spend time with my ds aswell her parents treat him like a grandson an if they ever where to split I would happily let my son see stepmum an her family

@aSofaNearYou It’s not a judgement. It’s an observation. My point remains that those issues are widely posted about as problematic and are generally unique to step parents who don’t yet have their own children. Look at the mini wife threads as examples. It’s not a criticism, or a judgement it’s a statement of fact.

@Spackpocket yes, an observation posted side by side with a comment about there being good step parents and bad step parents. Why mention it if you weren't implying such people are bad step parents? And why put "most imortant" in inverted commas other than to mock them? That is a judgment.

@Spacepocket I see your point that maybe it’s a harder adjustment for those stepparents who don’t have their own biological children.

However, I think a lot of issues I see on this board are caused by dads in particular putting their children on a pedestal and not prioritising their relationship or their partner’s feelings.
For any good parent their child is a priority but to also have a successful relationship they cannot be the only priority.

If you choose to marry or be in a long term relationship with someone who is not the parent of your children then it is important to make them feel valued and cared for too, not “bottom of the pile” below children they are not the parent to.

This isn’t a negative thing by the way, having a happy healthy romantic relationship makes people better parents and also helps stepparents bond with their SC. When there’s a healthy balance then everyone is happier.

A lot of issues are caused by Disney parenting and confusing children’s needs with their wants. Children’s needs should always come first but their wants shouldn’t always take precedence.

The issue is that people seem to hold SPs to higher standards than they would biological parents and it seems really unfair

This. Absolutely I have seen this time and time again. I've seen threads on here where parents have said how they hate their children, can't cope with them anymore etc etc and they've received absolutely nothing but support and kind words, 'you sound at your wits end, poor dear' etc...

If a step parent even posts something remotely negative about step children, or family life in general they 'knew what they were getting into', 'sound vile', should leave, are just generally awful human beings.

Fact is, life with kids is hard. And they aren't all angels and sweetness all of the time. I think a lot of parents don't like it when other people realise this and find their kids hard work some times. But it's the nature of kids, they can be rude, they can be nasty, they can be difficult, they can be irritating and annoying and it's not always because of some deep emotional damage or suffering. They just are that way sometimes.

I've seen threads on here where people have said they'd leave their husband/partner if he ever said he enjoyed some time without them or didn't love them like their own. I think it's delusional to expect step parents to not FEEL or THINK those things. What a ridiculously high expectation to have of someone who is not your child's biological parent and most of the time is not heavily involved in all aspects of parenting, or has been around since said children were babies therefore forming a parental like bond.

The bar is set far too high imo. You should be welcoming, be kind, and don't hinder your partners role as a parent. Expecting all step parents to love SC like their own, never enjoy any time alone with their partner, always accept being bottom of the pile etc... Is where the issues come in.

There are of course bad step parents. But I've seen far more posters who just seemed like they were having a tough time, in a tough situation, being berated and beaten down by posters when all they really could have done with is a listening ear and some support.

I've posted before and left out that the DC in my post were my actually my step children and not my own because I was too frightened of the comments. Funnily all I received then was help and advice.

There's also a lot of twisting and bending I've noticed on here to excuse the ex wife of absolutely anything. She could post a flaming turd through your letter box and someone will still tell you to have some sympathy, she's obviously struggling or you'd get at least 5 'were you the OW?' posts.

Basically, sometimes kids are fucking horrid and difficult, the majority of times the parents (whether it be the mum or the dad) are the ones at fault, it's perfectly okay to not feel the same way as a parent does about their own children, and it's not as simple as 'you knew what you were getting into'

And YY, children should come first when it's necessary. I think the whole family and their needs should be considered at different times though. It's not okay to never prioritise your relationship, it'll never work out. As a PP said, surely having a positive and healthy relationship with your partner often leads to having the same with their children?

A lot of issues are caused by Disney parenting and confusing children’s needs with their wants
I think slot of issues are down to parents rushing things for their benefits rather than that of everyone.

I'm always quite shocked at how quickly the new family has been formed after the previous separation.

Kids have to adjust to parents going through seperation and divorce, this usually in an atmosphere of tension and stress which will inevitably rub on the kids.

They then finally settle in their new life, getting used to seeing their dad they've missed much eow but having all his attention to make up for the lost time. Before they know it, another woman comes into their lives, a woman who is still at the stage of establishing herself in the relationship and therefore still needing herself attention and reassurance.

Again before they get the chance to adapt to that new person in their life, 5hey gave to yet adapt to a new home, very often, sometimes other kids who get to be with their father every day and finally, a new baby who is of course taking massive place in their dad's affection.

When all this happens in just a couple of years, sometimes less, of course the kids are going to have done level.of behavioural issues.

It really saddens me then when all the focus is on the kids being difficult and unreasonable.

Whether in real life or here, it seems that the happiest step parents are those who've accepted that making a happy step-parent family is one that has taken the time to make it so.

I personally would have never got with a man with children who had seperated or divorced for less than a year and really ideally two.

The bar is set far too high imo. You should be welcoming, be kind, and don't hinder your partners role as a parent. Expecting all step parents to love SC like their own, never enjoy any time alone with their partner, always accept being bottom of the pile etc... Is where the issues come in.

Exactly! There was a thread the other week where a stepmum said she is enjoying her stepchildren not being there. She also made it clear that she is kind and welcoming towards them when they are there. But people seemed to be really offended that she also liked them not being there too. It gave her some space with her own child which I bet was nice. And yes, extra time with her partner with less children around.

I think a lot of stepparents enjoy the times when their stepchildren aren’t there. Not because they hate them, but it’s just a nice break. Expecting stepparents to sit there feeling sad because their stepchildren aren’t there and also to never take the opportunity to spend some quality time with their own children or enjoy a nice date night with their partner is unreasonable and unrealistic. The stepchildren will be happy at their mums spending time with her so of course the stepmum can enjoy a stepchild-free weekend. Then the next time they come it’s back to enjoying their company. No need for anyone to be offended at all.

If you choose to marry or be in a long term relationship with someone who is not the parent of your children then it is important to make them feel valued and cared for too, not “bottom of the pile” below children they are not the parent to.

Yep I agree with this too! It’s a different relationship to children but just as important in that it needs hard work and nurturing.
If a parent doesn’t want to work hard on their relationship with their partner, which may include their partner coming first sometimes, then they have no place being in a relationship.

Saying all this though, I would absolutely love it if a man had a baby with his partner (her first baby), and after always thinking he’s number 1 in his partner’s affections he’s now “bottom of the pile”. Might make him rethink his attitude.

My children’s step mother has been very influential in their lives. She has given them experiences that I never could. My daughter has recently gone into business with her. She is an important figure to them.

We are not friends but have managed to form a sort of partnership over parenting.

I think slot of issues are down to parents rushing things for their benefits rather than that of everyone

I'm always quite shocked at how quickly the new family has been formed after the previous separation

This is a prime example of projection on this board, you’re assuming people have moved on quickly which in a lot of cases as shown in the posts on here isn’t the case.
I’ve been posting on here for years under various usernames and people have asked whether I was the OW or whether we’d moved in together quickly, none of which is the case and none of those issues were even implied in my OP.

If SPs say they are in the first relationship since splitting / their DP splitting with the parent of their children/ SC then people accuse them of rushing things regardless of how long a gap in between. If they point out that they or their DP have dated others in between then they’re accused of putting the children through “trauma” of multiple break ups.

SPs don’t seem to be able to do much right to be honest.

I loved my mams partner who we always called our step dad unfortunately he passed away 10 years ago. My partner get referred to as my kids step dad and they absolutely adore him, hes brilliant.

@Purleaseee I agree with what you've said, in experience anyway! 🙌🏼

I think slot of issues are down to parents rushing things for their benefits rather than that of everyone
I'm always quite shocked at how quickly the new family has been formed after the previous separation

Another helpful and sweeping comment.
I have posted on here for years. Under different names. I have plenty of issues with my DP’s DC. And my DP and his attitude. Is my relationship rushed? Far from it. Some 5 years later we don’t even live together.

Are our so called issues because we ‘rushed it’ or because our ‘benefits’ came first?

No. Our issues are caused by a vitriolic and vindictive EXW who cannot stand to hand her children over to her exH. Forget the thought of another woman being around them. Even the courts have gotten fed up with her attitude and now (finally) threatened her with a penal notice if she doesn’t settle down.

The children? Caught up on the conflict and acting out as any child caught up in this way would.
My partner? For years, consumed with ensuring he saw his children, causing its own horrible dynamic in our lives.

So no. Problems are not just caused by people moving too fast. Problems are caused by a myriad of reasons, people pushing too fast being just one of them. Horrible ex wives definitely being another (and far too many of them stalk this board in particular for my liking).

The OW question is a real f-ing cheek and immediately shows the poster as having an agenda.

My DC's step-mum is brilliant. EXH and I have 50/50 residency and she is very involved in parenting and supports them whole-heartedly. At school parents evenings we all go together, the 3 adults and the DC and there has never been any evidence that she resents them. I'm sure at times she does have her moments of finding being a step-parent a pain in the arse (just like us parents do), but there has never been an occasion where she has let it show, which is amazing because DC1 has ASC and can be very challenging with his meltdowns. If I were to pop my clogs tomorrow I'd know that the DC were loved and well cared for by EXH and his DW.